RIse & SHine

Pressure

2011-09-05T19:42:00.000-04:00

Times are pretty tough all over, I know that.
I have worked hard pretty much always kept a job and yet, we are living leaner than ever before.
Sure there are things we still get to do, but sometimes it just seems like all the work never pays off.
Yeah I guess it's a little whiny, We did go to sea world this summer, but not because we could really afford it.
We just wanted to give the kids a special fun time to remember about the summer, because most of it was pretty hot & boring.
       I feel bad because I was able to work less and give my older kids more back in the 80's.
I'm at a loss for what to do right now, I have lots of ideas but the only way I can guarantee I will make more is to work more. I am considering getting a part time job, if I can find the right gig.
Every other idea I have involves risking money I can't afford to risk right now. Maybe when business picks up for Johanna we will be in a better position to take a risk. I do know of one job I can probably get if I try, but it is even farther away from here than my regular job and I'm not sure what hours they want and I have to keep my regular job. I am finding out more about it, but I have doubts that it will be what I need although it's a job as a line cook & I will probably get paid well ( plus that is my favorite thing to do in the world).
   I have thought about going back to school, maybe getting a business degree ( since what I really wanted to study is totally not an option at this point in my life) .
     What ever happens, it will all work out. I have to believe that. Been getting a little depressed lately
nothing to bad but some days it's hard to function. There are so many people in the world worse off, we have food, we have a home. Plenty of people would envy where we live.It is just still such a day to day struggle to make everything work. I guess I'm just tired.
There is still the issue of my older kids, they are both causing me some stress lately.
I worry about them both. I wonder if they will even outlive me. At least one of them I seriously doubt.
I hope they both do though and are able to be happy, have peace in their lives.
For them but also for my mom and for my own well being.
So, I'm a mess, nothing new really same old crap.
     I wonder sometimes if God really has a plan for my life, it seems like all I ever do is damage control.
Peace

Summertime

2011-08-13T12:40:00.007-04:00

This summer is turning out to be ok, at least I have been working the whole summer except for a couple of days off that I took.
I'm struggling with some personal issues that are all mine, my fault & my problem. It does get pretty hard not to stay focused on those even when things are going really well, but I'm working on it.
Our mini vacation was pretty cool, we took the boys to Sea World in Orlando, but I think they liked the Hotel better than Sea World.
I got some pretty cool pictures too. Calvin Me and A.J. Near the entrance to Manta.

and some sea lions.
I also got one good Shamu shot.

I think this is the same whale that was involved in 3 separate deaths, the last one he drowned his trainer.
They are pretty amazing animals.
there was a lot of cool stuff to do and see.
But man was it hot.

It's been super hot here all summer, thank God we got a new ac unit right near the beginning of the season. It cut our electric bill down quite a bit as well as freakin rockin at keeping this place cool.

The boys all want to go back to regular school this year and Mike is super excited because of the clubs and things that he will be able to go to in middle school.
The other 2 are only upset by this.
My job is going ok but they are sort of forcing me to go to a different unit.
I'm not really upset by it as long as I get the promotion I am angling for. We shall see.
I know I am lucky to have a job, especially with my personal.. uh .. drawbacks?

Well, that's it I guess. Just a summer update, over all we are all good here.
Peace

You can call it what you like

2011-05-07T00:09:00.002-04:00

I've been pretty busy and pretty broke, because gas is like $3 billion a gallon now.
But I think life is pretty good. I really like it at my new job(although I have heard rumors that they want to move me to another campus) I don't make nearly enough money but the place is pretty nice and the people & students there are great.
I miss real cooking a lot, this place is mostly burgers and chicken tenders, plus I rarely cook when the fall semester is in. I will be doing basically everything there for the summer.
I am just hoping that I can either get a nice raise or find a unit to transfer to for a promotion where I can make more, because I was making this much a long time ago and I am doing a lot more work for it.

Apart from work life is pretty good, Johanna got a job as a server at a local BBQ place ( the same company I used to be a manager for) and so far she loves it there. As a friend once told me," restaurant work is like an addiction" Ain't that the truth?
She is making a little cash there and I think it's going to work out ok as long as I can get a raise.
The kids are doing pretty well, they have a few friends that we meet pretty much every week for play dates and the are all working on taking on more responsibility at home for their own things and messes.
The heat is almost here for real, today when I came home there were millions of love bugs every where, it's like you can smell them there are so many. I guess the heat and the rain we had today woke them up.
I've been playing my guitar more in my spare time ( what little I have) and I keep trying to write songs, but I guess it doesn't really matter that much and I can escape for a few minutes into my mind when I play music. So that's pretty much why I play any way.I'm certainly not trying to break into the music business or anything.
The one really cool thing about the long drive to work is I can listen to music the whole ride.
Our babies are doing ok, we have bunnies and pigs( not so small now) and the baby goat is bigger and eating well but still can be fairly annoying.We also have a few chicks that will probably end up as food for coyotes, but oh well.
So I guess that's it, Just hoping that things will continue to improve and that my older boys will be ok at some point and my mom won't be so angry with me.
isn't it strange the way the dynamics of relationships change as we get older?
there was a time that in my mother's eyes, I could do no wrong. I think she mostly tolerates me now.
And I Still lover her very much, but I never call her after about 8:00 p.m. and I go weeks without talking to her because I don't want to feel guilty. Not that I really think I have anything to feel guilty about (at least not what she thinks I should feel guilty for)it's all just so different than it once was between us.
everything changes I guess.
Peace

Bitches ! it's a celebration!! Enjoy your selves..

2010-09-22T22:53:00.003-04:00

Not doing that great these days .. I am trying to stay positive about life, but life gets in the way..
My job is ending with the company I have been working for because they lost the account at the school where I work.
As far as I know I won't be hired by the school because of my felony conviction.
I guess that's the way it goes.
Also lots of tension in my house lately because, well I'm not completely sure. I know my wife is really tired and so am I and it seems like every time I am in a job crisis she wants to start talking about how we need to split the bills as if we were room mates.
I feel pretty alone at this point, but I am working on it. I know things aren't always bad, but it seems like not one person is actually happy with me. I don't think I have taken advantage of Johanna but in some way she must think I have. Or at least that's what it feels like.

Darkness, that cold embrace.
Into her bosom I fall.
I never can see her face,
the cold consuming my all.
In a life I once lived there was joy.
A life filled with wonder and security.
the darkness has taken the dreams of the boy,
there remains a void filled with futility.
Pain makes lets me know I'm alive,
And I think that's what I want to be.
against all the sorrow I strive,
but I feel her icy fingers clawing me.
And her cold glower is drawing me.

Hello again

2010-04-12T00:33:00.002-04:00

It's me,
been a while I know but I am pretty self absorbed most of the time so really it was to be expected.
So since this is all about me I thought I would mention my new dilemma.
I apparently have no empathy for my fellow humans or something like that.
I seem to be lacking in a particular area of my life.
Let me explain: My ex-wife recently passed away. I am not surprised really by this , I do feel sad for our 2 children, but I personally have almost no feelings at all about her death.
So (since it's all about me) this fact has really bothered me. Like, shouldn't I feel something?
I mean I was married to her for 15 years (we were separated for the last 3 years) and we dated (sort of ) for 2 years before that.
We married way too young and we grew apart over the years (we never really had a healthy relationship to begin with) and things got really crazy towards the end of our trying to make it work (actually since it is all about me I should point out that i felt & still do that I did most of that trying to make it work for my kids & my own security).
We had two kids together and a house and many experiences, I feel nothing.
Is that like even normal?
am I almost a psychopath?
I feel like I should feel something , but I don't I haven't spoken to her in probably a year and I never missed it at all.
I have to basically adult sons who have just lost their mom and I have barely spoken to either of them.. In fact my younger son I have tried to call and left messages for I still haven't talked to and she actually passed away on the first of April.
so I have lost some sleep over the fact that I haven't really been there for them in this. I don't know what to say or do to help..
It makes me think that there is a part of me that is damaged.
I shared a life with her and I feel no sense of loss, no empathy for her pain no anger only a tiny bit of self loathing that was already there actually.

I can say, I'm sorry she died. I am not sad, but I don't want anyone to die.
so I don't know how to end this but I will say that we had a lot of chaos & a lot of pain & we had some fun. We had to gorgeous boys who hopefully will end up being good and content men some day..

I guess I will see you on the flip side Diane Rest in Peace

Diane Calico

CALICO, Diane 38, of Hudson, died April 1. Survived by sons, Tim & Jacob; 1 brother, Terry; 1 sister, Ruth; grandmother, Ruth. Dobies F.H.-Hudson dobiesfuneralhome.com

Yeah

2009-11-07T22:59:00.002-05:00

I thought I was slow the last time between posts, I guess I beat that one this time.
My life is going ok I guess, I could complain but I'm not sure it would do any good.
The kids are all doing ok in school, Calvin is reading and sounding out almost everything he sees, hears or says.
It's really cool to watch kids grow up, even though I have a certain amount of anxiety about that.
That's mostly due to some bad choices by my oldest 2 kids. My 17 year old is in jail, again; I can't believe it.
But I love him and he didn't hurt anyone. So I hope he just doesn't end up going to prison or something. I can't believe how stupid people can be ( especially when they are my kids).
So once again, things could be better, but they are what they are and I will live and hopefully we will all learn to be productive members of society. Hmm, maybe I would settle for well adjusted and content.
I think that the 3 younger boys are pretty well adjusted, hard to say really what they will choose though. We try to do our best for our kids, I think sometimes that really pays off and sometimes they will go on to wreck every life that touches theirs with complete disregard for every one around them.
I was pretty selfish & stupid when I was young and I understand that it's harder than ever for kids to make the right choices. Things that were little mistakes for me can be huge setbacks for my kids, life changing even.
I wish I could change so much of my life, I have a load of regrets for the life that I have lived
I have caused a lot of pain for people who loved me, some of them still do (shocking I know) and my life is nothing like what I though t it should end up like.
But, there is still joy; there is still passion. There are still moments that I wouldn't trade for any thing, so I guess it was worth it, sort of.

Trust

2009-08-24T22:44:00.005-04:00

Wow,
I am really slow with the posting, but I have been doing other things lately and I really have to be in the mood to write a new post.
I guess I am in the mood now :D
I have been following Grace's posts lately and she has me thinking about my own story after I read her post tonight.
She is talking about being more secure in Father's love these days and about honest issues she is still having.
I can completely relate to that. My image of God has changed so much from year to year and I have lived in a space of utter uncertainty for about 4-5 years now.
The thing that made me doubt in the first place ( I was so sure about what I believed a few years ago) was the fact that things were still going wrong, very wrong in my life and in the lives of people I love.
I was assured that when I got my act together things would be better. No one overtly said exactly that to me in the Charismatic church where I used to attend, but the implications were everywhere.
Seems like every testimony I heard was about fasting, praying, getting into the word, living a more Holy life or praying in just the right way and it would all fall in to place.
After hearing about how God had healed diabetics in the congregation probably 200 times it started really getting under my skin. It started making me angry when this was the focus of our message or even a part of it. I have two sons who are both type1 diabetics and they have gone through a hell that you wouldn't wish on you worst enemy. After a while it started sounding like they did something wrong that God wasn't healing them. Lets face it, they were 18 months and 2 years when they were each diagnosed and there was no way they did anything to deserve that.
Those word of Faith people can be so inspiring sometimes. They can really encourage you that everything will be alright. But then you go home, or your teenager decides to cause a scene in the sanctuary after a service where you were an usher.
Suddenly it seems like a bunch of B.S. frankly.
I have come to a realization: my expectations mean nothing. All my expectations do is drive a wedge between God and me. Trusting some one isn't about putting expectations on them, it's about believing that they have your best interest at heart. I can look back and see that God has indeed had my best interest at heart, but I could never see it when it was happening.
Sometimes it seemed( and still does) that He had left me to fend for myself.
Something I am not really that great at, as it turns out.
The really hard thing for me, and I think for a lot of people who are believers is finding a way to start removing those expectations we place on Father God.
I think I am still trying to get rid of some of that old way of thinking, at least in my knee jerk reactions to the daily situations I find myself in.
The one thing that has helped me to begin ( and I mean begin) to remove those is, letting the reality of His great love for me; remove some of the self- imposed expectations of God on me.
How does that song go?Just as I am... There is no hope of self justification, I realize that now. I have always believed that in my head, but I didn't trust that. Surely there were things I needed to do.. a huge pile of shoulds. My family and I walked away from church, pretty much. It was actually for selfish reasons like: I had to work on Sundays this wasn't an option at the job I had.
I also like to sleep in on Sunday because it's one of two days that we could.
So us walking away from a church service on Sunday morning was a source of guilt and shame, briefly.
I still miss going sometimes and every once in a while we do go to a service. But it has very little to do with my walk with God on a daily basis. In fact I would say it really has nothing to do with the daily walk.
I miss corporate worship, I always liked that part of any service I ever attended.
I love to sing praise to God, I think we should; I still do.
what I no longer do is pledge allegiance to a local church or denomination.
I have found that everywhere you go , depending on who you talk to; you will get a different set of black and white answers to a life that is filled with gray area.
I am not as sure of my theology these days and much much more sure of Father's love for me.
I really think it has been a natural progression that I needed to go through( and still need to) to come to this place. I can't pin God down to a set of rules or a mold of my own creation.
As Lewis said about Aslan , He is wild.
I love that, I hate not controlling my spiritual growth( as if) and trying to trust that Father God does really care about me.
There have been things in my life that I know when they happened it was Him. I know. Details that only someone who knows my heart would fulfill out of fondness for me. Little things that seem inconsequential but to me meant so much, like a letter from home or someone making your favorite meal just because they want you to know that they care. He has done those things in my life and I can't deny that it was Him. It wasn't coincidence.
As I think about those things it makes me wonder why He would care so much.I may never fully get it, but I believe it. Trusting my current problems to Him, not so easy.
I guess I still have a long way to go, But that's ok I think..
Any way, I am getting tired and not sure where this post is going anymore.
If you are reading this I hope you will realize today that Father God does care for you , exactly where you are. Like think about someone who has been really kind to you, He cares way more than that and judges you way less than that.
That's what I believe now. We look at the exterior stuff but God looks at the heart. I have heard that in so many churches, but then they will turn it around on you with conditions. Or they will tell you ways to curry favor. I say that's a load of crap. Not the part about God looking at the heart, but the fact that people will tell you ways to improve your life with God when all you can really do is sit at his feet and thank Him.
I think it's a lot less complicated than we make it.
Peace be With You

Summer Heat

2009-08-06T10:08:00.002-04:00

So, this has been what seems like a long summer for me. I think the kids are faring pretty well.
My wife is working and loves her new job, there are challenges for her but I think she really likes the company that she works for and feels they do an excellent job caring for people.
I have had way too much time on my hands to think. I have had time to question my own abilities
and the decisions I have made in the last 2 years.
We are barely making ends meet here and I am shouldering most of that blame. I start thinking I should have stayed at a management job or at least tried to find another management job instead of taking a pay cut.
I question my ability as a parent, I get the boys out on a fairly regular basis to go have some mandatory fun, but I lose patience with them and then the old familiar guilt cycle begins again. Seems like I've been on this wheel for my whole life, trying to do the right thing then failing, then becoming paralyzed and being unable to fix the situation.
I am very different than I once was , I know that God has changed me a lot; my life is completely different than it used to be. But, inside my mind is still a treacherous place to be.
I am still damaged and I'm not so sure that will ever get better.
I mean, after all I am 40 years old (at least for a few more days ) and I still feel like a kid.
At least I'm not angry any more. That was a lot of work. I don't use drugs any more, also a lot of work. I do have a beer now & then but I don't think that's really too bad.
I fail at taking control of my own life. I tend to allow things to happen until I can no longer take it then I take action but it seems like it's never enough.
So here it is. I guess this is the reason I haven't been posting.. I just don't have much good to say.

OK actual conversation at breakfast.

2009-07-09T10:03:00.006-04:00

C: name your favorite star wars character
A.J.:can it be my own creation?
C: A.J.! Amerigo isn’t in any of the movies!
A.J.:AHHH! Well, then I don’t have my second answer, I only have one.
C:What is it?
A.J: Luke
C:What about Mace Windu?
A.J.: Hate Him , purple light saber.

I think we can all learn a valuable lesson here.
If you figure it out will you let me know?

Common front yard activity

2009-07-07T12:03:00.003-04:00

These are the normal sounds out in my front yard on any given day.
I was playing around yesterday for a little while and made this. I hope you enjoy :D

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-21T22:07:00.005-04:00

Today was a good day for me and I hope it was for all the fathers out there.
My brother took me out to the woods where we acted like kids and rode 4 wheelers for a few hours.
It seems my body doesn't like this kind of activity the way it used to, but I had a blast.
I came home looking like I work in a coal mine and sore from head to toe.

So, for me today was a little selfish but I don't think anyone suffered for me taking a few hours for myself.

Fathers day has been kind of bittersweet for me for most of my life. My father and I had a pretty bad relationship and he died when I was young so we didn't resolve any issues that we had with each other. I was very relieved when my dad passed away and I decided that no one would tell me what to do from that time forward.
In some ways it was good in others it was a self destructive path that I stayed on for many years.
I was angry at my dad for the way he treated me and I was angry for him not being there for me. I was angry at the whole world sometimes.
I tried to live my life the best way I knew how(or did what ever I felt like ). I got married , had a child ( I was only 18 when Tim was born) and tried to take care of them the best I could.
It took me until 1997 to forgive my father and let go of the anger that I harbored towards him.
When I did, it was like a 2000 lb. weight was lifted off of me. I found that it really is a lot of work to stay angry.
Sometimes now I even miss him, I didn't miss him for 16 years and then suddenly I was able to give myself permission to wish he was here.
And today I wish he was here to see my sons. To meet my wife and be as taken by her as I am.
I know now that just like me, he was doing the best he could. Sometimes that's not good enough.
I am sorry for imparting some of that legacy on to my children, I hope that they can see a better way sooner than I did. I don't think that we have to make the same mistakes our parents made. Not that all mistakes are even bad, but I don't want my boys to think that violence is the answer to anything. I don't want them to live inside a little box that they are afraid to move outside.
I now have hope, I didn't used to have that.
And I wish my dad could see that. I wish he was here so I could tell him Happy Father's Day Dad.
I miss you dad, sometimes.
Peace

Update on us. My monthly post :D

2009-06-13T13:18:00.001-04:00

Things are better than they were. I had a pretty good lesson in swallowing my pride and we didn’t have to move. I want to apologize to anyone who may be reading this who we seemingly imposed ourselves on during the last month. I will try to never do anything like that again.

Two really great things happened in that past couple of weeks: 1) Johanna got a job at a group home/day program for people with Cerebral Palsy 2) I worked a full week @ the University and I am really confident that they do want me back and went out of their way to offer me work for fear of losing me.

So we are on semi-solid ground with finances for now and I am less emotionally tapped than I was a few short weeks ago.

I think Johanna is too and even though our new schedules are going to be tough to work out, we will figure something out and start to get back into the black again.

Life is just a little too complicated for me some days. I have never been out of work before and I really don’t like that feeling, but I think I can learn from it and I can’t help but think that God is going to use this to grow something a little in me.

Meanwhile, I am trying to make plans (ha!) and relax and love my wife and kids.

It sounds uncomplicated but really for me it’s not.

I find that I am still a very self centered and selfish person, but I am a work in progress.

All in all, life is really good. The pool is almost clean and it is really hot here now, but life is good.

I hope yours is too.

Peace

Some thoughts for Sunday

2009-05-17T23:46:00.003-04:00

Here it is Sunday,
I have been out of work for 2 weeks now and I am worried, But I'm not freaking out yet.
I will get unemployment, but it isn't enough and I am putting out plenty of resumes and filling out applications in 3 towns. I have an interview tomorrow at what I believe is an ALF and I just hope they don't need a clean background check. Apparently this is one of my main obstacles in finding work. Even for cooking jobs lately a lot of people want you to pass a background check, for low pay and a crappy job. It's like a bad dream to me. I have seen more than one dish washing job where they wanted a clean record.
What ever.
Johanna is also looking and filling out apps but so far we have nothing. Day labor really sucks too. I did it before (for one day) and I told myself ,"never again!" now I am considering it.
I do have this interview and a really good prospect with this steakhouse not far from here.
I may not be able to do a lot of things, but I can throw down in the kitchen. All I need is a chance to prove it and I am in, these days the chances are just a little more scarce.
The job I will go for tomorrow is for an assistant dining services director. I have never done that exactly, but I think my experience at the abbey and my management experience will give me a little leverage. I hope anyway. I am more hoping to get the steakhouse job. If it pays well that is.
I have been looking on Craig's List for jobs a lot and people are starting to upset me with what they are willing to pay for skilled labor. It's kind of sick. I actually got aggravated enough to send a guy an email about what he was expecting for $9 Per hour.
It was for like 25 hours a week too. I mean I think an owner or GM should at least be realistic.
In this business you definitely get what you pay for, sometimes you can get a deal; but not for that long.
Anyway I guess my situation is making me extra sensitive about what I perceive to be predatory hiring practices in such hard economic times.
because there are more people than jobs many are trying to take advantage of people who are in a tough spot.
makes me a little angry.
enough of that,
in other news;
we went to church today. It was cool, I guess. But being there today kind of solidifies my opinion about attending a weekly gathering.
I thought it was nice, but it bothered me that my youngest was off in another room so he didn't cause any problems. I also have a problem with the continually attractional tactics of institutions.
The sermon was really ok, about love being an action word and not being too internally focused as a church. I thought that was all pretty good the the pastor said something about sharing Christ's love with others so we could ge them to come to the church. That was where he lost me.
I mean really, is that the bottom line? Is the gathering place so important?
I don't think that should be our motive at all.
I don't see how learning to sit still for a service is such an important lesson.
I don't see how listening to someone speak for 30 minutes is going to change my life.
I also like things just a little more chaotic than the follow the program, shush, sit down, stand up, read this and do that model.
What is so strange to me is that I used to be that person that was dedicated to a place, a gathering, a pastor or a certain style of worship, so much so that I allienated people I really cared about.
Sometimes it seems like being a Christian is more about "Christianity" than it is about Christ.

Update on Us

2009-05-08T10:19:00.004-04:00

Due to comments I wanted to post something about Johanna.
So far so good, she seems pretty good but we haven't been back to the doctor since her surgery.
We should know more next Wed. because they are supposed to have results from the tissue they took during the procedure.
We definitely need any one who can to pray about her health because I need her & her children need her a lot. She does really seem pretty good, there is more of an emotional thing going on than any physical ailment.
We are also both looking for jobs right now because I was laid off from the college for the summer and I haven't found anything yet. I did apply for unemployment, but that will take weeks to kick in, if they give it to me. I am really new at the unemployment thing so it is pretty scary to me.
if things get bad enough I will get a job doing anything at all before I let us go completely broke.
Johanna did take a class for her CNA test prep. But her test isn't till the end of this month and she hasn't found anywhere that will hire her without having the certification already.
All of that said, kids are all doing well. They are a bunch of wieners and they know it.
There has been a lot of playing in the pool and WII competition in our house.
I am actually amazingly calm about life right now, even though I have never been out of work before, except for when I was in prison.
I also know that I will find something soon or she will and maybe we both will.
I don't believe that God has brought us this far to leave us or let us fail out here. But who am I? It seems like a great place for us to raise these kids, But we do have to be able to pull it off or it won't happen.
At least we still could move back to NPR if we needed to. But neither of us wants that.
Well, I need to make some calls and I have an application that I need to fill out.
I hope you all are doing well. I think we are going to be ok.
Peace

Long time no see

2009-04-02T18:57:00.006-04:00

Wow! I can't believe it's been a month since I last posted. But that's ok I have been pretty busy. My new job is going well & I am pretty happy here so far.
I am mostly writing this because I was talking with a family member on IM & I said that I was going to post this chicken video. Only, it's not chickens, it's eggs; being candled. So it is chickens, they just aren't finished yet. ok so here it is:

SO I hope those are entertaining. I was really amazed to see them moving around like that in the egg. We still have not successfully hatched any chickens, but we are getting closer & in the next few days we should get a few at least. We shall see.
if our incubation fails we do have one hen who is setting now and hopefully she will be a good mom. we may just take the chicks from the beginning anyway. or cage them all together.
Out here we have more problems with losing babies than we did in the neighborhood.

********************************************************************
On the job front, things are pretty good right now. I really like working at the university and I think they like having me there. We are getting lots of complements on the food and it seems like I will be able to stay here for a while ( as long as we can figure out what we are doing over the summer).
Not much farm action going on here except that we have a bunch of seedlings that will be ready to go in the ground soon. We also have a hive of bees but not a hive I set up, they just showed up. I try to keep the kids away from them(which isn't really hard, all you have to say is,"there's bees over there" and they pretty much avoid that area) but I love just going up and watching them. I have always been fascinated with bees and I really want to start keeping them. Right now it's just money holding me back, but I do already have some bees! I should post some pictures of them, they're really cool. At least I think they are, they are such amazing little animals.
I have been working every Sunday and we have pretty much stopped attending a church. The boys will go on Easter with grandma, and I guess that's cool. I think we sort of agree that "attending" a service is not the most important thing we can do. We pray together as a family and we teach our kids about God and we talk about Jesus, but we don't make them go to church every week because frankly, I for one think the effort involved in making it to a church meeting was not really worth the strain that it puts on us as a family. We all believe in God, We love Jesus, we just don't go to a "church" building all the time. I'm not saying it's the way to be or anything, but I think it's the right thing for us right now.
Any way, I hope you are all doing well.

Jobs and other enigmas

2009-02-28T00:35:00.003-05:00

I haven't had a lot to say lately, so I haven't been posting.
I don't want to get into a negative state of mind so I am just going along, doing the best that I can.
I have changed jobs, I really like the new gig and I think there is some growth potential there. But, I work for a college. We get laid off in the summer and I'm not sure what to do about that. Times have been tough here until recently but we are pretty much caught up with all of our bills and we are considering getting a pony. Mike and AJ have started taking riding lessons and it seems like it would be a really great thing to do. I'm not completely sure, but I know where I can get a really great pony, for pretty cheap and it's close by. Besides, we are living on 5 acres now and that is enough room to have at least one horse, maybe even a few that are the size of this one.
I am worried though, Johanna is planning on taking a CNA course and I am quite sure she can get through that with no problem. But it's the actual working that I am concerned with. I hope she will be able to get a job that can fill the gaps. I think this new job could really pay off for me in the future, but I don't know if we will be able to pull of the summer thing unless Johanna can land a pretty good job in the time that I am off.
I don't take time off, I am not used to just working 40 hours anymore either. I am so tempted to try and get back into a management job, but that will ruin my family life and Johanna will be extrememly frustrated because it's like you are married to the job and you have to always be there.
There is the chance I could get into school during my time off too. It would be great to learn something else that can make me money over the summer.
It all seems like a pipe dream to me right now. I was talking to a guy that is opening a place that I used to work (that I really loved) and I could maybe try and work something out with him, but I have a few people telling me what a bad idea it is to even consider working at this place.
I just wish something was simple in my life, nothing ever is.
Other than that I am doing great.

Employment issues, one more time

2009-02-02T22:34:00.005-05:00

Well,
it has been a while again since I posted, sorry if I let anyone down but I doubt that I really have.
I have had a pretty interesting time since my last post. I have confirmed that the person who was sabotaging my job ( or trying to) is pretty confident that I can be easily replaced, and in a way I hope I can. Because even though I have been told that I have nothing to worry about as far as my job is concerned, I am leaving .
I have put in at least a dozen applications and emailed probably a hundred resumes, with no response. Then, a job that I didn't apply for came to me.
I was worried about taking it & had to think & pray for a couple of days. I also had two conversations with key people in this situation that made up my mind for me.
So I am changing jobs again and I am a little afraid of what could happen.
I still wish there was a way that I could relax and stay at the abbey. I love it there and most of the monks do like me and they think I do a good job. But the fact is they put out an add for my job. I only found it because I was looking for a second job & it was a pretty anonymous add. I looked up the address to find out if it was a company or what it was and it turned out that it was my new boss. They had put an add out for my job after talking with me and I felt the conversation went very well and I could possibly work with this person.
Now I feel like I just can't risk this situation with 3 small kids at home while I am the only steady income.
It is amazing the way this job just surfaced though. I was thinking of going to the university to apply, but I hadn't yet and I'm not sure I would have. Then they came and offered me a job, while I was at work. Yeah that was pretty cool.
So I gave my notice last Wednesday, and I will work my first shift at the university next Sunday. I am pretty excited about the new environment and I feel like it will be far less likely that I will be randomly fired because some one thinks I have disrespected them.

Honestly, this is feeling a lot like a test of my faith and I don't mind admitting that , I FREAKIN HATE IT!!!!!!!!
But, as a very wise woman told me tonight,"I don't believe that God brought us this far just to bring us to ruin".
So I am try9ing to remember that He has been there, when there was no hope; He was there. When I was far from home and alone in prison with not even a letter from home for comfort, He was there teaching me, molding me and making me go through things that would help me after they were over even though they really sucked when I was going through them.
You know that the most important thing I learned was?
He loves me. Even when I am afraid, even when I doubt, even when I have the wrong answers or the wrong responses, when I am completely self centered and being as un-Christlike as I can possibly be, He loves me still.
Peace

SO, I am like all neurotic & stuff; or just scared.

2009-01-22T23:00:00.005-05:00

I guess I am not a very good blogger..
I haven't posted in a while, mostly because of the stuff I am trying to sort out in my life.
Still things are kind of a mess and I feel like I am on the brink of total destruction.
I mean I found an add today, for a dishwasher( at a steakhouse) that was for $7.50 an hour and specified that you have NO CRIMINAL BACKGROUND.
Seriously folks, this is a crappy job. What the hell?
Are things really as bleak as this? Just because someone has made a few mistakes (or even one) they can't get a crappy dish washing job at a steakhouse?

I am really hopeful about the future of our country. But speaking as an ex-felon I really hope that all employers don't get this fearful and never hire anyone who has a conviction.
I mean let's just consider the natural consequences of this type of thinking.
If we all say that people who have committed a crime in the past are too risky or not worthy of employment, what will happen?
You take people who have crossed the line in the past and you stigmatize them to the point that they can't support themselves and what, don't we realize that eventually it will be too much for that person to bare?
Isn't that a form of discrimination? Sure, I can see when laws are in place that make it illegal for a violent convicted felon to do certain jobs. I can understand that. But if they can't get a job even doing dishes, what will they do? What is to keep them from turning to crime to try to survive?
I guess I take it personally when people shut me down before they even really talk to me. Hey I will be the first to admit that I made some mistakes, but I'm no threat to anyone and I have a family to support.
What if I lose my job, I am glad I haven't but I have evidence that points to the fact that at least one person wants me to lose my job, and I really don't know why.
I don't know what I have done wrong to this person and the way they are trying to get rid of me seems very underhanded.
Today I put in about 10 applications to various jobs. I have not one good lead on a new job or even a part time second job. Well, maybe one but that's about it and I don't know what it will pay yet.
I had been very fortunate, I worked hard and was promoted shortly out of prison and I was able to get a really good job, then leave that one and go right into another. I really thought that this was the best choice for me, this last job I took. I am home every night, it's a very peaceful environment and the pay isn't bad. Now it's all about politics (something I have never been good at). I hate games, this is my life not a game. I am so worried about getting laid off or fired for no good reason and not being able to find something else. I also worry about losing this place, My wife & kids love it here and I like it. We got out of the neighborhood that made my wife nervous because of the drug and gang activity, this is such a better place for the boys. If I lose the job, it's pretty likely I won't be able to stay here and that sucks. But I am trying really hard to trust that what is best will happen and if that means we have to leave then I will try to make the best of it. But I won't like it, and I will try really hard not to hate the people who are making it their personal business to sabotage my life and my families well being.
Because I feel like I have put much love into my work and I have grown into a relationship with several of the monks that I work for. I know that most of them are happy with the job I am doing. But what ever happens happens.
I hope you all have a great night.
Peace

Employment issues

2009-01-07T23:10:00.003-05:00

So,
I know I haven't posted anything in a while.. Mostly, because; I AM SPENDING EVERY FREE SECOND OF MY LIFE TRYING TO FIND A SECOND PART TIME JOB OR A BETTER PAYING FULL TIME JOB.

So, maybe that was a bit uncalled for, sorry for that.
But, it's true.
I have sent out more resumes in the past few days than collectively in my entire life.
of course I didn't used to send out anything, I just went to the place that looked like I might be able to get a job and viola I got a job. Things have changed. Now, everyone wants you to apply online, and send a resume, and submit to a background check. Oh I also forgot the part about not wanting to pay crap.
Well, slight exaggeration on my part; they actually do want to pay crap(sorry about that too)
I should feel very blessed to still have a job, actually I do. I just really was hoping that I would be doing a little better than I am now and things are really tight. We do have this great house and live out in the country now (adding another challenge to my "part time " job hunt)
And our lifestyle changes have been pretty wonderful (except for the fact that I can't get high speed internet in any form other than satellite) and I am really grateful for the way things have worked out so far. Even my somewhat estranged son is doing pretty well living apart from us for now. I am happy about that and sad that he couldn't do better living here, or at the other house. But he is doing better and may be out of trouble soon and (Hopefully) on his way to being a productive , well adjusted member of society.
But I am still stressed over money and the fact that it has recently come to my attention that my job could disappear without much warning.. Or at least that is how it feels, maybe this is about trusting God..
I still feel the need to look for other options while trying really hard not to worry and trust that we will be ok and God has not brought us this far to abandon us.
But many people have lost jobs and homes and money.
The whole world is worried about what will happen next. So what should I do?
I wish I had some deep spiritual truth to talk about but what is on my mind is money & the lack there of. We are fed, we have enough and I guess I should be really thankful for that..
I hope you are all doing well and not worried in the least about your job security or money.
Peace

My abusive life

2008-12-20T23:04:00.005-05:00

Molly at Adventures in Mercy
wrote a really great post about abuse called: Letters to an Abused Soul: When Love is “No”.
I felt kind of inspired by what she wrote here and even though I know many people have dealt with much worse than I have, I have been in abusive relationships almost my entire life.
She talked in her post about how sometimes stopping the destructive behavior can be the most loving thing for all parties involved. She also made great points about how abusive people are not pure evil, how true repentance can make that person safe to be around again and how rarely that happens.
I was the one who turned into an abuser because of my helplessness to fix my situation and in an attempt to change the people in my life.
Abuse didn't work, not for me anyway and it finally led to me almost completely ruining my whole life and losing everyone I cared about.
I did ( after some very extreme consequences and a prison sentence) learn that stopping my abuser from hurting me was the most loving thing for me to do for everyone involved.
I remember when after many visits from my then estranged wife I finally wasn't angry at her for the things she said. I had been praying about it because I had visitation many times while I was in prison and I almost always got very angry with her and she ruined every visit with my kids up until that day. I was just asking for God to help me with my emotions and to help me be strong for my sons. That day I saw her, not as a manipulating emotional abuser; but as a fellow human being with weakness and fears and I actually felt sorry for her. From that day forward the whole dynamic of our relationship changed. There was no healing for the marriage(it was irreparably broken) but for me as a broken twisted child and I think in some sense for her too. After years of giving up my power, I suddenly had control over myself back ( or for the first time) just because I chose not to get angry with her.
I wish I had that chance with my dad.
I don't think I will ever be what some people call normal, but I am better than I was and I hope that my children never have to go through the self inflicted hell that I went through. I actually thought that was normal, it can still be hard to tell when some one is trying to manipulate me, but I do know what it's like to have someone in my life that cares about me and isn't abusive or manipulative.
It's almost like having a new life, one that is a lot more bearable.
Yeah I bought into the prosperity gospel stuff and I was so sure that God would heal my old life.
But you know, maybe my old life was never what God intended. Maybe, fixing my old marriage wasn't God's will. Maybe we all need to let people in these types of situations have just a little more grace and just love them instead of looking at them with advice about waiting for God to change the other person.
One thing I have learned about those kinds of prayers is, God rarely changed the other person because of our prayers; but He does change us if we let Him.
Peace

Crap

2008-12-20T00:56:00.002-05:00

Maybe it's just Christmas blues, but I feel like crap.
I am trying not to let it get to me, so far I'm not doing so well.
This is going to be a pretty good Christmas I hope . I have plenty of family to spend it with and I am really happy about that.
But this is probably the all time poorest I have ever been (financially speaking) at Christmas ever.
I know I am missing the point of Christmas, I know. What I mean is, I'm not missing the point as much as it is blurred by my feelings of inadequacy.
I am sure my family will love me even though I can't give them much for Christmas, I also can't really afford to help anyone else out, and that makes me feel bad.
I know this is just a passing phase, I have been here before and I made it out. I'm pretty confident I will make it out again.
No matter how broke I am, at least I am not in prison for Christmas. Not much has been worse than that for me.
Anyway, I hope it is a really great Holiday for all of us and we all feel loved and needed.
Peace

Monkees

2008-12-10T00:23:00.003-05:00

Monkees,
We made monkees tonight(well mostly Johanna

& the boys)And they came out pretty good I

think.
Actually they are just cookies, but the kids

wanted to make Christmas cookies for the monks

that I work for and that is how they got the

name Monkees.
(Hey I thought it was pretty cute)

Life is so good here.Not to say that all in

my life is fixed but things are pretty good. I

really love living out here, even though I

don't get enough daylight hours to get a lot

done here right now.
We haven't gone to a church since we moved

though and that bothers me a little, but not

that much. This week I would have gone to our

old church but I had to work because we had an

extra 112 people to feed over the weekend and

I couldn't just let that go on without me

there.
I am exhausted and a little cranky.
I am slightly frustrated with work. It just

seems that I get stressed and everything seems

bad to me. Things aren't as bad as they seem.

I do love working at the abbey and I really

love living here, but I feel like I am being

somewhat taken advantage of.But Things could

be worse, many people have lost jobs and I

quit my last one before this, because I felt

like I was being targeted as the next to be

let go as soon as they found someone to fill

my position.
This job was offered just at the right time

and I was so happy and scared at the same time

to make this change. It has been tough but not

all that bad and we aren't homeless yet :D
We also have this great place and wonderful

kids and too many cats(including one that was

here when we got here) unruly chickens and

even though things are hard at times, this

place and this lifestyle are worth trying to

keep. The kids and Johanna deserve it and we

think we can turn this into a really great

life. I hope so and I hope that every one of

my children (biological and otherwise) will

KNOW that I love them and will remember me

with warm fond thoughts.
I guess I should get some sleep now, Hope

you all have a great night.
Peace

Update

2008-12-03T07:00:00.001-05:00

It’s been a couple of pretty uneventful days (except for a small problem at work that I think is resolved for now) . We are closer to being at home in the farmhouse and we have many plans that will take time to realize, but I can see things slowly coming together.
One thing that has happened is I am having lots of computer problems. I am thankful that my laptop is still working ok (as of today) but my desktop that has most of my stuff on it has fried 2 power supplies and I am hoping that it can be fixed fairly inexpensively. I also had this old beast of a P3 that was running fine before the move but I haven’t been able to get it to boot up tonight & I just gave up on it a few minutes ago. I think I may have messed up the PS on it as well, but I am sure I can scab an old one to work in it pretty easily.
After all, this is one of 2 that I had from like 1999 when I got my first computer.
So I am not as aggravated with this one not working as my newer one that was pretty much the house computer until it died.
I have invested way too much in this machine already but I have a pretty new 320 gig HDD and a 160 gig HDD that have pretty much all of my photos and music on them and it seems that now almost everything is going to SATA instead of IDE and of course my 2 drives are the latter. Frustrating. Combine that with not much money and Christmas is coming WAY TOO SOON! Adds up to I may have an aneurism at any moment. (ok I am kidding about that, I mean I couldn’t really just cause myself one could I?)
Things are good though. We are working out how to handle this move and finances and it seems like we will be able to pull this off.
All in all life is good.
Peace

Thanks Giving

2008-11-28T14:49:00.002-05:00

Our Thanks Giving day was pretty cool.
Johanna made a 22 lb turkey and I think we have almost half of it left.
My family all came out here to the new place ( the farm house) and we rode 4 wheelers and ate and drank coffee and the kids played and fought and in the end it was a great night and day.
I got to spend more daylight hours here than I have in a week and we got to explore a little more. We discovered a fire pit that we plan to utilize tomorrow night and we found that some Bees have taken up residence in the old shack that is down in front of the main house(this is sort of exciting to me since I am very interested in bees in general and I would like to start a couple of hives myself).

I think that in spite of all of the pressure and worry that consumes my thoughts lately, I have many things to be thankful for.
We have this new place and we can have as many animals as we like here, not to mention that everyone has their own bedroom and plenty of space to get away from each other if we need to.
I also am thankful that my second son(the recently troubled one) has a better attitude and seems to be doing better in general.
My oldest son is safe, for now.
All of the other kids are getting over colds, but they all seem to be doing ok including liking the new schools.
My wife is living in the same house as me for the first time in months.
She is also blissfully happy to be living here in the middle of nowhere with all of these cows around us ever day.
I have a pretty good job that doesn't pay enough but it is a job and unlike so many Americans I have not been out of work at all.
My brothers and sister are doing well and their kids all seem to be fine too.
I will not be rich ( at least in the next few years and probably never) But my family has what they need and we love each other.
I am really thankful that my life is what it is right now. I will do my best to enjoy this place and the ones I love.
I will try to remember why it is I work as hard as I do and treasure the people in my life, because that is what I am most thankful for.
As I look around me, I realize that God really does love me, it's so evident because I don't deserve this and yet here I am hopefully realizing a dream and staying here for years to come.
If not I will be ok, but I am very thankful today

I am really tired

2008-11-12T21:42:00.004-05:00

I need this day off. I mean I really need it. People keep telling me that I look tired. I am.
Too bad I have to be in court for my second felonious son. I hope this is going to turn out ok. I hope it will but I doubt it. This is only an arraignment but I am a little worried because I don't know what to do. I just want my kids to all be successful (not in a ,"I'm all rich & stuff" way but in a ,"look I can totally take care of myself in a semi-responsible way" kind of way). I really hope that works out for all of them not just the second one. The thing is I can't see past my own fear right now about any of this. I have an older kid who has managed to completely ruin his young adult life in a few short years and I just keep seeing the same thing happening with the second son and frankly, it scares the crap out of me. Not to mention the issues we have had pretty much since I got custody of these boys.
I made lots of mistakes when the were young. Lots. Heck I was 18. I was also a high school drop out. I had no idea what I was doing, I just knew it was important. I mean not important enough to listen to my mother, but really important. Still it is very clear now that I had no idea what I was doing and I am sure that fact weighs heavily on the choices they have made.
But I have been better, I am much better than I was and I know they see that and still they are both angry with me. Angry enough to make really bad decisions while I beg them not to be stupid. It's really frustrating and I feel like I have no control at all.
So bring it. I will face it, again. I will look at my own humanity again and I will see how powerless I am, even before they show me. Again.
I wish I could save him, But I think he has to want to be saved.
I'm pretty sure that's how that works and the only thing that I know of that makes people want to change, is consequences of their actions that no one can save them from. When you experience enough pain you will change, I think. I hope. I hope he has a low tolerance for pain, but I doubt that too.
Peace..

p.s. If you feel like saying a prayer for me/son#2 or the rest of my family, feel free.

The Winning Pumpkin

2008-11-02T07:45:00.005-05:00

Here it is in all of it's 3 day old glory

So if you are in any way related to me you probably have already heard about our winning pumpkin I thought I would post a picture of it before it goes the way of the compost (or chicken feed).
We were very surprised to win this contest since it was done quickly and we really just had fun.
In fact we had a blast. His face is a little caved in but he is getting a bit soft. there are things carved out all the way around this is just that face that I carved. Johanna carved out most of the rest of it . The evil genius drew a face on the other side and Mom helped him carve it out. Then she took requests for items to put on the rest of the pumpkin, a bat, a spider, the moon a ghost and the word BOO! .
The real winners of this contest did a great job carving out the Headless Horseman, but they left before the judging and could not be located. So a second vote from the crowd made our kids the proud new owners of a Wii ! It was a really great night, even if we hadn't won we had a great time just carving pumpkins and getting hot chocolate spilled all over me. it was a party for sure, and it was to benefit the playground fund where my boys go to school.

Another thing that has been going on is we are probably moving. We found this really great place that is owned by the abbey that I work for. There is enough room there for us to have what ever animals we want and very private. our only close neighbors will be cows. It is so much closer to my job (I could get home in about 5-6 minutes) and it's like a dream come true for us.
This is a picture of the house

We really love this place and it is a great set up for our chickens plus we can add to the menagerie.
I wish I could say I will miss this neighborhood. I will miss some people here and I know we will be coming around here from time to time. We also plan on continuing to go to the same church that we have been near here. But that will mean 1 or 2 22 mile drives a week instead of at least 5. I am kind of stressed out and worried (even though I know that doesn't help) because we will be leaving my 16 year old son here, sort of.
We have had many many issues lately with him and he is in trouble with the law at present. I don't want to get rid of my son, but he has been acting extremely foolishly and we are waiting to see what is going to happen. Some good news we just got is that he is being charged as a juvenile, we were worried that he was going to get charged as an adult because he is 16 and they do it a lot thense days. So at least he won't end up in prison over this, he may end up in a residential program, but there isn't any help in prison. I also have a referral in to a local mental health facility where I hope to get a psych exam for him & possibly medication. This has been in the forefront of my thoughts for weeks now and the main reason I haven't posted anything much in weeks. Because I can't really focus on much and I am exhausted most of the time, feeling like I may just snap from the pressure. I haven't had anything good to say so I have been following Thumper's Mom's advice and saying nothin at all.
I am tired, I am sad that my boy who I love so much seems to be destroying his own life over nothing. I also know that God is good and all of this is somehow going to work for our good but it sure is hard to see sometimes.
I also am sad that when I set it up so the troubled boy can stay with his friend's family he was surprised that I was willing to let him and happy to go live with them. It made me feel not very important to him. But, I really think this could be a good thing for us and him. we shall see how it works out. I am worrying way too much and it's not like me really, but as my wife pointed out, I fear change. I do I admit it, even though I know change is good, I am almost comfortable in a crappy trailer in a crappy neighborhood with a kid on a self-destruct mission.
SO I guess that's it, sorry it takes me so long to post anything but I have a lot going on at the moment.
Peace

2008-10-25T23:09:00.000-04:00

I am not feeling so good right now.
But hey, nothing lasts forever, right?

Soon & Very Soon

2008-10-13T21:26:00.004-04:00

It just hit me that I am extremely inappropriate at times.
I live with a bunch of little boys & that in it's self seems to exacerbate the problem.
I am extremely tired as well tonight, but after inappropriate story time with my youngest son and a very inappropriate song sung at the top of my lungs in the shower combined with 2 cups of coffee, I think I could stay up for a little while.
I think that the problem is, I am very much a little kid most of the time(that is, when I'm not a frustrated adult) and I like to have fun; even when it's not appropriate.
SO I came dragging my butt in after like an 11 hour work day and about 1.5 hours in commute and my kids are watching a video that grandma made for them that includes a Canadian remake of a Japanese cartoon, Discovery Jones and a lot of commercials for a 3 cd set of hymns sung by a black choir. This inspired my shower version of "Soon and Very Soon, You're Going to Bite My Butt".
This was followed by coffee and alsmost falling asleep in the chair watching said video. But then, alas "snicker" I realised that my Wife was missing. She was putting the youngest child in bed. I know that at this time of day, her deepest sesire is to KILL THAT BOY, so I jump in his bed to read him one of his altime favorite books ( in the past two weeks) "One Small Poop by the Poop". I think he kind of liked it but it did make me think about what I might be teaching this young mind about the seriousness of bed time.
Anyhow, in the immortal words of Forest Gump,"That's all I have to say about that".

This video changed my life

2008-09-27T23:25:00.002-04:00

I came across this a couple of days ago and I really want to share it with the world.
I got it from this guy's Xanga site.. this is their version of the song..
I hope you enjoy I know I did ..

Crappy Parenting

2008-09-27T23:05:00.003-04:00

Yes,
I am referring to myself. I haven't been writing at all because when I last wrote something for this blog, I was in really good spirits. I can't say that I am now, although I am not really depressed or anything.
I have been a pretty bad example in the past for my kids and I exposed my older boys to lots of thing they should never have been exposed to. I know the past is gone, but it haunt's me.
My fifteen year old son just went to juvenile detention about 2 weeks ago.
I am reminded of my weakness and mistakes when ever something like this happens.
I am really worried about this kid. I try not to worry about anything. But this one has me worried.
His older brother has many issues including a pretty bad drug problem.I am afraid this kid will give in to the hopeless outlook his brother has and completely ruin his life.
Not to mention the other kids and the effect he will have on them.
So, right now I have 2 sons in jail. Not a shining testimony for how wonderful of a parent I am. I also didn't get a birthday card in the mail fast enough because I haven't mailed one yet and the 15 year old's B day is the 29th. I think I dropped the ball on this one.
I did visit him once and he seems ok. But I'm not and I am afraid this isn't serious enough for him to make an actual change. He sounded good and said he will do better when he gets out, But I am skeptical. I have heard my oldest give me a complete line of crap and do what ever the hell he wanted with no concern for anyone else around him. This is what worries me, that my younger boy will follow in his brother's footsteps.
God Help Me, and them,
Peace

Alright Already

2008-09-09T09:45:00.006-04:00

Well here's the deal.
It's been a while since I posted and I am kind of behind (good thing I didn't actually make any sort of commitment about posting to anyone) so I am going to try to post something today, even though I have many other things I should do today.
I have been kicking around several ideas for the past few months, maybe not so much ideas as thought processes. Any way, my thoughts about church and what it means to BE the church and what roll institutions play in said roll. Mostly due to some blogs that I regularly read and a couple of books I have read combined with my own discontent in my current position spiritually (if that makes any sense at all). So a few months ago I start questioning things, things that I believe or have believed. Through this process I have come to some new conclusions about what it means to be the church, but I am still pretty clueless as to how I fit into that and where to start.
This has been an issue of some debate in my house and caused a few misunderstandings.
Especially since my wife is a confirmed Lutheran and feels most comfortable in a liturgical setting and I was brought up as a Southern Baptist where the main focus is getting people saved and Hell-fire and brimstone preaching. We have had a few disagreements on certain issues But mostly I think it's mis-communication.
Which brings me to Sunday, at the as-of-yet-unnamed-consolidation-of-five-Lutheran-churches. This is the building where we were married and we both really love the people there(most of them anyway) and it is where my wife wants to take the kids. So I can accept and embrace that.
I really do and almost always did like it there, we stopped going there over some incidents that involved our kids, no one was injured or anything though.
The point to this is we have gone back for the past 2 weeks and I still have my issues with just being in an institution that is more like an exclusive club than a part of the body of Christ.
There are also now 2 pastors at this new church we heard each one last week and one this week. Oh did I mention that the first is Female? That is a different experience for me, not hearing women preach but having them be a pastor. That is not the reason I am writing this at all, although it does add to my story.
I have had all of these conflicting thoughts about returning to a "church" at all and when my wife asked me if I wanted to go with her and the kids I just said yes because I like to be with them and it is my day off now that God put like the best job ever right in front of me.
So as we were there and we came to the part of the service where there is a sermon (something I have sort of decided is not really necessary for people who are the CHURCH) the male pastor (Jerry something) is talking about living the gospel about being outward focused and about the research he has done on what the Lutheran churches that are surviving are doing.
What he found is that the ones who are able to hold things together are the ones who are the most accepting and outward focused. Those churches that are more concerned with the community around them and the needs of those people than they are about the survival of the "EXCLUSIVE CLUB"(his actual words there).
It was God, once again confirming something that I think and pushing me in that direction. So,
will I become a confirmed Lutheran? I doubt it, but I have been a member of that church since the pastor who married us told me I was. I also think that if this is the way we are going to be led then this may be the place for me to start. For me to find what part I actually play in this ministry. God is showing me that maybe the building isn't a must, but fellowship with believers is. Blog land is great and I can bounce ideas off of others safely here. It's easy here, most of the people I dialog with here I have never met in person. But real relationship is different and that is what God is calling us all to. Not that I am going to stop questioning, I think that is actually an important part of growing in Christ. But I also need to accept some things and with all of it's limitations, the institution is doing more together than I can do on my own and I desperately want to do something more than talk about what we need to do.
Not that I do nothing, but I know God wants more of me, more than I want to give and I believe that this is the place that He wants me to start Living out my faith in new ways. Who knows? Maybe I will have a subversive influence in this group too, you never know. Heck, God can use a donkey, right?
So that's it, God has spoken to me and I am giving in. SO THERE. Peace

Back in church

2008-09-01T20:52:00.002-04:00

So,
We just show up this Sunday for a more traditional Lutheran service than I am used to attending. In fact 'm not used to attending much right now, I haven't been going to a church service at all in a few months. It was much of the same old stuff that you would expect.It was kind of nice and comfortable and I think that's ok. I still have issues with some of the institutional trappings such as clergy and laity separation and how for many people, showing up there is their Christian duty (and nothing else is). I am trying to reconcile this stuff in my head and figure out a way that I can have fellowship with other believers outside of an institutional setting. People just tend to get so uncomfortable talking about God outside of "church". For me there needs to be something more than serving in a church. I have no problem doing that (as long as it doesn't take away from my family) but what I really desire is something with more meaning, something real.
I have grown tired over the years of the alter-egos that so many people have on Sunday when they are surrounded by people they perceive to be judging them. Why does it have to always be some sort of show?
One thing I really like about the Lutheran church is the lack of a "show" in services. While I loved the music in the Charismatic church I used to attend, the professionalism in the music combined with what ever else happened in the service (including the teaching/preaching of the pastor) tends to create more of a mask for everyone to put on that has little to do with who they are.
My wife thinks I like to just create an issue with authority. I guess the the truth is, as time goes on it's not that I have a problem with authority, I just don't view some of the people as authority that I used to.
Jesus said that the spirit will teach us all we need to know. He also said that the whole law was summed up in only two commandments. So why do we make it so complicated?
My wife thinks that no questioning is ok, I think questioning is ok. Luther certainly questioned.
Sorry not really sure where I am headed with all of this. I guess I am just sort of processing my thoughts here.
Any way, we went to church, it was kind of cool, and I would like to do something more than that. I guess that's what I am saying..

Back To Reality

2008-08-19T12:03:00.004-04:00

Vacation was awesome,
My wife's sisters and mom and all of the guys were awesome too.
I think we all had a great time. I don't think I have ever had such a relaxing time off in my life.
The beach was absolutely beautiful. I got some pretty cool pictures I think.
Now dealing with reality is I really couldn't afford to take the time off so now I must pay. I was even thinking of trying to get a second job somewhere just so I could sort of recover.
times are kind of hard in this town where we live, many people out of work (I'm sure we are not alone in that) and the jobs that are out there are getting harder to get and seems like they are paying less.
I felt kind of guilty when we were away, one for missing work and not earning money when I could have been. I also get this undercurrent of guilt because of the fact that we got to go do this and I could never afford to get such a house as this (even for a week) while there are people in this neighborhood who are really struggling. I mean we are too to a certain degree, I took a pay cut to take my new job, which is really cool and less stress than I have had in a long time. But we still have the same bills, I was getting sort of comfortable ( not that I was financially set or anything, but I had enough to pay for almost everything ) and now I am back to an earlier time, when it was week to week for real.
I really can't complain because almost all of my hardships have to do with my own life choices.
Had I not gone to prison, I would likely still be at the same job and I would still have the house that I lost to foreclosure. Life would probably look quite different than it does now. But the fact is I can't change the past and I need to get the things done that are in front of me.
I will get back on track eventually, it's just going to be hard.
Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing leaving my last job. But when I think back about the tension and stress and just the situation I was in, it was the right thing to do.
I also need to remind myself that God has made a way every time for me that I can't explain or begin to deserve. I'm not sure why He loves me, but it's fairly evident if I look back over the past 20 plus years. I also need to remind myself that, had I not lost everything to do with my old life, I might have never met Johanna and I would not have Calvin or Mike or A.J. and I wouldn't want a life without any of them now.
Things are still pretty rocky with my marriage and statistically, we shouldn't make it. We both tend to fall back into this defensive mode from being hurt so much and we act like nothing matters. But the fact is, neither of us wants a life without the other. Yeah when I am acting stupid at say 6:00 a.m. I'm sure it sucks to even be in the same house as me. But She loves me, I know it, like no other human ever has. Sometimes I get hurt too (although I am sure it is far less frequent) and I start trying to act tough and I want to just give up. But, I can't imagine a life without this family. Even though she says we aren't when she is freaked out about what is happening with kids or finances or both. But we are, we don't make sense and we are not an easy fit. All of us are so different, But there is love here. I hope I never have to live without that again.
Feeling so alone really stinks, even though I know God is with me, I really like it when my family is with me too.
Peace

Vacation

2008-08-12T09:41:00.006-04:00

I am on vacation. I really can't afford the time off, but I needed it. This has been the most relaxing couple of days I have had in a long time. We have been here since Saturday night and I can only stay till Thursday night but it is so nice. My wife's family is so nice, all of them. I have these moments where I feel like an intruder but for the most part I feel pretty at ease here with them. We are staying in a beach house that I could never afford right on the beach in Saint Augustine, Florida. I live in Florida, but we don't have beaches like this down South on the West coast. I have taken some pretty cool pictures I will post a couple.
Sea oats in the morning

the morning sun on the beach

the board walk from the house to the beach

It's really pretty quiet and peaceful (except for the occasional screaming child) and I think this has been really wonderful so far. I am so glad I didn't decide to stay home.
Well I need to go rest some more,

Peace

"Sermonetts"

2008-08-05T05:55:00.005-04:00

I want to Give a quiet shout to GRACE for the inspiration for this post. It's been a while since I wrote anything and I guess this as good a time as any. She posted about her latest experience in a small unorganized church that she attended Sunday. It was sort of amusing and kind of disturbing at the same time. But, one thought that came to my mind was about how we judge others when we are the outsider looking in.
It really started me thinking/remembering about one similar experience that I had.
As most people who have read my blog at all know, I was in prison for 2 1/2 years. I am not proud of that fact, but it has helped to form who I am. So, it is just a fact. Any way, this experience took place while I was in prison.
I had gone to work release (which was actually at the same camp I was doing time in) and one of the so-called benefits of that status was to attend outside church. Well at first in this program (because it was brand new, and we were dealing with guards on a work camp who now had to run a work release as well) there was no service we could attend. But there was a man sent to find us and to eventually get them to bring us to one church service a week . Some times we got to go on Sunday mornings and sometimes it was a night service during the week. There were even a few times when we were able to do both. But it was a very unusual experience to say the least.
We attended this tiny church that was dubbed a "mission" in a very small country town in North Florida. It was in a store front that was probably a laundry mat in a previous life. It was divided into two main sections with plate glass in the front of both places and no connecting door, you had to go outside to go into the other room. Any way, it was small, there were kids from the surrounding area that the volunteer youth leader and his young wife would drive around and pick up. They would drive around, see kids in the street and ask them if they wanted to go to Sunday School.
The pastor was a short little fella with an unbelievable southern twang accompanied by a full on high nasal tone. The Congregation was a mix of White, Black and Hispanic, mostly poor people from the now almost ghost town where the church and work camp were located.
Now, I was raised in the Southern Baptist Church, and I had many reasons for not attending church for a long time, once I was of an age where I could refuse to go. I was 16 I think when I told my mother one Sunday morning that I didn't want to go and (much to my surprise) she said,"ok". Before that day it was never an option, and I had not gone at all from the age of 16 to 29. I had spent every Sunday up until that day in a church somewhere and I was tired of doing what was expected of me. It was one of my first attempts at freedom (at least in my eyes).
Any way, I had been attending a Charismatic church before I actually went to prison, and what got me going there was the love that I sensed from God after I was charged, with a very serious crime and thought my life was over. God had showed me that He loved me in a very personal way and spoke directly to my heart and changed me forever when I was sitting in a county jail cell. So as soon as I could, I went to church and I kept going every chance I got, because that is how I understood I was supposed to honor God for his love for me.
I did however still have huge problems with the Southern Baptist denomination. I was very much against going back to a Baptist church.
Well, when you are in work release, you go to what ever church you can, if you want to go to church. So I went to an Independent Baptist Mission in a tiny broken down country town where most of the people you meet are dirt poor or corrections officers. Oh there were cotton and peanut farmers as well, they seemed to do ok for the most part.
It was quite superficial to me the way the order of service went. The pastor gave what some in my past have called a "sermonette" and we sang some old songs, and we usually had some food after the service. It was mostly a really nice gesture by some folks trying to ,"visit the prisoner".
I liked getting out from behind the fence, but I didn't see this as a spiritual feeding ground really, I sometimes had a problem taking it seriously at first.
Until, I think it was the third time I went to this mission and it was the first Sunday morning service we had gone to since I had been able to go. This seemed very much the same old thing with a sermonette and some hymns, along with a really nice group of people trying to do something good for the cause of Christ. Then there it was, the slap in the face. It was time to take up the offering. Now I will remind you that this was a group of people not exactly marked by wealth. There were maybe 15 people including about 6-8 prisoners in every service. They had abundance of pretty much nothing.
When it was time for the offering they didn't pass the plate around, much to my surprise. The pastor asked every one to come and bring their offering to the altar where there was a single offering plate that sat on a small pedestal . One by one, people went up and knelt around that plate and gave up what small offering they had to bring, including the short, ineloquent, full time construction worker/contractor, 60 year old pastor and his wife, holding hands.
I, never felt so convicted in my life about casting judgment on anyone as I did that morning. It changed me. God changed me that moment and opened my eyes to how real those people were. I never saw anything so beautiful in a church service before or since.
I guess I was wrong. I thought they were just going through the motions, I saw this as religion and as just an act that most of them were putting on, I didn't think it had anything to do with God; not really.
Then as I kept going they showed me how, in an unsophisticated way that some might discount as small meaningless gestures, to love people where they are. Sure, they were in an attractional model of church, so was I before and after attending there. But they got to know the kids they picked up off of the street and bought them school clothes and one night I remember every kid there got a new pair of shoes. And they would have celebrations for us prisoners when one of us was leaving or getting out. Even on our birthdays, we were treated like people who mattered to them. We were drug dealers, and thieves and violent criminals and they treated us like men. Not just men, family. We ate home made fried chicken and cakes and every bite tasted like the love of God for us. I never had it so good. I never saw Jesus in another person until my misconceptions were shattered by grace. And, even in the process of showing me how wrong I was about His people, God gently told me over and over that I am His, and He loves me right where I am , right now. I guess I should do the same.....
Thanks Grace, you really got me remembering something very important. The race is not given to the swift or the strong, but to he that endures to the end.
Thank You Jesus.
Peace

The New Job

2008-07-20T18:37:00.008-04:00

So far so good, my new job seems to be working out pretty well. It is extremely odd that the job that God would put before me is in an abbey. But, that's cool I can deal with it.
The hours are really awesome I am home every night with my family (something I haven't done in a while). I am also back to cooking (something I actually love doing) and my stress level has dropped by at least 200%. I was barely sleeping anymore and that was getting really old (not to mention exhausting). I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it or not, but I really hated management. It was actually ok when I worked during the day for a casual dining place where I did all of the opening stuff and placing and receiving all of the orders. I was ok at it too, I think sometimes I am not so good at dealing with employee issues. But, I had to to have a stable paycheck that I could count on. That was pretty much the only reason I went into management. I was never in love with the idea of being on salary. I may try to get salary where I am, I am not completely sure if that would be good or not. I don't want to go back to doing 50+ hours a week, I am really enjoying having a life outside of work. Like today, I was off (2 weeks in a row I got Sunday off woohoo!!!) so I slept late , even though Johanna really wanted to check out this other church, we all over slept. then we did some stuff around the house and later went to the beach. It's a lake near here and so far they have not closed the water this summer, that is really awesome we had a great time just playing around at the playground then in the water.
I have also been able to have dinner every night with my family and that means a lot to me. Yes I took a pay cut. Do I think it was worth it? So far YES!!! I just hope I don't fall behind in my bills, but I think if I am careful we can do this. Besides, how am I supposed to Follow God's plan for my life if I am always working for some corporation to make them the maximum profit. At times it seemed that Sonny's might consume my whole life. I would do things for the business when I was off (which infuriated Johanna by the way) and the days I worked there was no time left in the day for family or anything but work. Even on my days off I would be so spent that I wouldn't be much fun most of the time and I really wasn't doing much work around the house.
Plus there is just the environment of this place that is sort of calming in it's self. I will post a picture or 2 so you can get an idea (not that I can do it justice).
This is the view of Lake Jovita that I see every morning right before I walk into work

and this is looking up at the bell tower just before I walk in the door of the abbey

Finally this is the front of the church that is on the other side of the bell tower picture.
Well I think that is enough for now I hope that this goes well for me because I really like just being at this place. But, I know that even if this goes bad, God will make a way, He always does.
Peace

Regrets My Version

2008-07-13T00:40:00.001-04:00

Jeff posted today about regrets. He really got me thinking and man I have a lot of thoughts racing around right now. I Can't help but think that who I am is the sum of my regrets.
I almost posted/said some things today that I would no doubt regret. I am really glad it didn't go quite like that and I am feeling fairly good about life right now.
What that doesn't mean is that I have no regrets. I have a ton. I have hurt the ones I love numerous times and ruined my own life several times as well. I almost lost my freedom for good a few years back.
Mostly I am not a great big brainy guy who reads tons of books or even has a detailed theology that I follow. I was fairly immersed in the Southern baptist traditions as a child an I have a pretty good grasp on the basics of their theology. But mostly I write from my personal experience. I am probably never going to be the one who can link all of these historical events to what is happening now. I think my attention span is too short for that any way( I am amazed that I can actually finish a book that is more than 100 pages ).
Any way , sort of the point of this is getting lost here. some of my regrets are constant reminders to me, of grace. Grace that was given to me once I understood how undeserving I am.
Before, I was proud. Sometimes I still am even with everything that has happened. But thank God He is patient and kind and loves me any way. I can't really prove it, most people would look at my life and think I am far less than privileged and things aren't really that great. But things could be a lot worse than they are. Yeah I live in a crappy trailer in a crappy neighborhood where there are gang symbols painted on the street. I have had to deal with a lot, but I deserve nothing.
God has given me a chance right now to treasure what is important and to try to take care of the ones I love and not just get by. It is so cool the way God makes himself known to me. Like this job I just got. I wasn't planning on changing jobs
But because of certain events at my job my Supervisor and Store manager were both fired and I was marked to be fired. The only thing that kept me from being fired was the guy who was supposed to still have a job, walked out just minutes before I went in on my day off to confront them about why they were firing me and why the staff knew even though I didn't.
But the crazy thing is, I had a job offer before I even knew that I was supposed to be fired.
And it turns out that starting out , this job is a pay cut, but it's only 40 hours a week and I am home every night and I have tomorrow off. I haven't had Sundays off in some time.
This job also comes with health insurance, that's something I haven't had in a while either.
The strangest thing about this is it is for the Catholic church. I am cooking for monks at an abbey. I think it's really odd that this would be the job offer I get. After all I have just about stopped going to church at all lately and I have no faith any more in institutional churches, so I get a job working for the great grand dad of all of those western denominations. Pretty cool huh?
God is amazing!!

Just an update

2008-07-06T00:58:00.005-04:00

I don't have anything really important to blog about that I want to make public knowledge (yet). So I figured I would just say that some recent events have been pretty chaotic and nerve rattling.
The situation with my 15 year old gets better then worse( hopefully we will be on an upswing very soon) He is not taking the diversion program very seriously at all right now but I plan to give him a wake up call when we have to report on Tuesday.
That is just about all I have to say about that , except that this really hurts me that after all of this and his seemingly changed attitude, that he would start to take advantage of the situation again just because he feels there won't be any repercussion. I plan on making sure that he takes this seriously, because I really love my son and I really do want him to succeed in this program and have no criminal record at all. But I don't want him to merely get through it, I want him to do the program and become a better person because of it. I know that he has the potential to be a really great man and there is a lot of good in him. He just hides it really well sometimes.

The other stuff I really want to write about that is in the forefront of my thoughts almost all of the time I don't feel at liberty to post because of the extremely minute chance that the wrong person might read it. I do plan on laying out the whole story sometime in the not so distant future.
In other news, we gave Otis to the county 2 days ago. I felt like crap (still do) and I know that in some way I failed him and that is why this happened. He was such a good dog in so many ways and he absolutely freakin loved me for pretty much no reason at all. I did almost nothing for this dog and Johanna joked about what a huge betrayal it was that he would want to come home and sleep with me most nights. I also loved Otis. I am still trying to process the incident and what I could have done to change the way it happened. But the harsh truth is, He was a huge risk. This was the third bite. This was technically "provoked" because of the food issue. I was a little surprised to hear that when the dog officer came to the house.
But the other bites made no sense what so ever and just the fact that he was nervous and was easily frightened into biting was really risky with a dog that weighed more than 3 of our 4 kids at home.
I am vaguely familiar with the theology that points animals not being eternal (beings that is) but deep down I hope I get to see Otis some day again and am able to apologize and tell him how much I loved him and how much joy he gave me.
I hope he wasn't too afraid when they did what they had to do.

A little hope

2008-06-29T10:46:00.002-04:00

Yes, true story. I have just the smallest amount of hope for my relationship with my 15 year old son (and a little for his life not being ruined) .
I found out the other day that in spite of the judge's recommendation they are putting him in a diversion plan anyway. I am so glad because this means that if he can complete it,. he won't have a record at all and what he was arrested for, while illegal was not horrible.
I am so glad they are giving him this chance but he still has a ways to go, we shall see what happens now. The ball truly is in his court now, the results will depend solely upon him .

Also I got to spend a few hours with him yesterday,which is rare these days especially since he has not been coming home in like 2 weeks. He brought his friend with him and they helped us kill and dress16 chickens. They were the last of what my wife calls "the Bubbas" because they are freakishly huge and fast growing. These girls( we ordered all pullets) dressed out to like 6-7 lbs. each. Try finding those in your grocery store. If you do I bet they will be expensive ( since every thing is now).
So it was a great day and night. After we were done killing and cleaning up the mess, I asked them if they would want to go out to dinner with us ( I know neither of us wanted to cook after that) and they accepted . We went to a buffet A pretty good one actually( I have a real aversion to buffets in general) a Chinese place with not a lot of Chinese food. It was ok, and every one ate(very rare indeed).
So, I guess while we aren't out of the woods yet, there is some hope and a little bridge mending going on in my family. I know I should not be saying this stuff really , but I am very hopeful and no matter what, I love my son. I love them all and I want them all to know it. I am still only one man and I can't be everything to everyone or have unlimited time to spend with everyone. But I do with all my heart love all these kids. I hope they can see that and learn that they can depend on me.
My oldest is still waiting to be moved to a drug treatment center, but I am trying to keep up with letter writing. I know how important those are when you are locked up. It's solid evidence that someone does love you and is thinking about you. Phone calls are nice, but letters, you can pull them out and read them again and again.
So if you are reading this please join me in a little thank you prayer, because God gave me these kids and He can take them away. My life is meaningless without them.
Lord, Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you
AMEN

I'm not really a very good example right now

2008-06-23T23:43:00.002-04:00

I have had approximately 4 beers ( a lot for me ) And I have the slightest buzz but I am going to post this any way.
Please forgive me if you are one of those people who can't drink alcohol.
the last few days have been a little chaotic and I am teetering on a for real depression.
My son 15 ( the idiot) has been home twice as far as I know, I did get to talk to him and touch him last night , but it still doesn't look too good. He is at a friend's house tonight as well. He has barely been home in 2 weeks. I feel powerless in the situation, seems that the state can't make him do any more than I can. so that is one issue.
Then there is Otis. Otis is the dog that my wife and I got on our 1 day honeymoon because we had a whole day and no one to take care of , so we needed a dog.
The day before yesterday, he bit one of the kids. not like a nip on the hand ( the boy is fine) but a for real bite, aggressive conflict over food bite. Like this is serious. If it was someone else's dog, I would just say kill him & be done with it. But this is my dog that loves me like you would not believe. He is one of 2 best dogs in the whole world. I can't stand the thought of putting him to sleep and I am afraid he will be scared and bite a stranger that tries to take him. So here we are. Johanna asked me if I would help pay for it if we found a vet to pull all of his teeth out. I am actually thinking that this is a way I can keep my dog, I know it is a selfish thing and The kid didn't deserve to be bitten. I also wonder about putting Otie through this much pain and what his quality of life will be without teeth. He loves rib bones.
There are other contributing issues to my depressed state,Like my wife living in a different house to get away from the kid who refuses to come home.
Ah yes life is grand at times.
I am still hopeful that things will get better and I am sure they will eventually.
I sure hope so.

Towers

2008-06-19T01:15:00.002-04:00

I am now thinking about this and I can't shake it so easily,
I read 2 blog posts that got me thinking and after a really long comment on one I decided that I should just write my own post.
So, here goes.
Jeff was talking about the difference in ascending and seeking. We need to seek God and His kingdom, but not try to ascend to it. Only God can make that connection successfully. He has to initiate it, He has to bring it about. We can build all the towers or temples we want but we
will never get to God on our effort.
My personal journey has been one of my effort giving way to grace , repeatedly over the years. Just when I think I've got it down, the rug gets pulled out from under my feat and my tower comes crashing down.
I see things a lot differently than I did a few years ago.
Some things have not changed: I believe that Jesus is The only son of God and our only hope in this life. I believe that he was crucified, died, buried and rose again on the third day.
I pretty much believe all of the stuff I learned as a small child in a Baptist Sunday school (except for that sinners prayer crap).
Now I do believe that we make a decision for Christ, but I think saying some words has little or nothing to do with it and certainly not just repeating what some public speaker is saying.
I think that good theology is important, but not the key. I think we can be very wrong and still make it to heaven and likewise very right and miss Heaven. I also question what has been ingrained in me about Heaven and wonder if God didn't mean something entirely different than what we reduce it to. Sure pearly gates and streets of gold sound good but that could just be the best description that John could come up with ( since he was just a man like me) .
I think that claiming to have all the answers is a sure sign of how far off the mark we are. At least in my life this has been true.
I have pretty much stopped attending "church" services because it doesn't help me do what is important. Because I feel like those same services ,for me are my golden calf.
I used to attend a large church in the area. I would serve as an usher, stay late, come early Put my kids and wife through hell because it was that important to me.
My efforts, how stupid.
I still ended up divorced, I still went to prison, I still ruined my own life and adversely effected the lives of the people that I said were the most important to me, my kids.
My effort is shit.
God has made all of the real changes that have taken place in me. There are a few like, I grew a heart. Like the way I feel when I see a small child now. Like the way I can't take the news any more. I just can't deal with it. I will never forget the look on my mom's face when she asked me if everything was alright because I was crying watching the news. There is too much weight in this life when it is just what you know about around you. the weight of the world can crush you if you let it. I also see the importance of loving those around me, that I didn't choose. My family my neighbors the people I meet at work or the grocery store. Trying to be Jesus all the time is really hard. It's kind of a relief to know that my efforts are pointless. Takes off a whole lot of pressure.
It also allows me to give someone else the benefit of the doubt. Turns out , their efforts don't matter either.
Peace

Dad

2008-06-15T07:31:00.003-04:00

Happy Father's Day!
I know I let you down sometimes, I know that I would be ashamed to call me son. But, You are always so patient with me and I want to thank you for that.
For always being there in my times of weakness and need. When I am just acting stupid and rebelling against you, your love is still constant.
Many times over you have proven yourself to me, not that you ever owed me an explanation but you are just so understanding of what it's like for me. You know how it is to be where I am.
I could never deserve the love you give me but you love me just the same because I am yours.
Thanks for that, I think you are really cool for that. Some people may look at you and see something different, they say you don't understand or that you are cruel or angry. Obviously they don't know you like I do. Because if you had cause to be angry, you certainly would have it with me. But every time come back having spent everything, dirty and ashamed, you never worry about getting dirty giving me a great big hug. You look past the filthy rags and matted hair, the incredible stink that must be on me that I can no longer smell from wallowing in it, and you see your precious son who you love who you would not let go. Ever.
Yeah,
Thanks for that .
Oh, uhh . I love you too.

My day off

2008-06-12T15:35:00.002-04:00

Today Is my day off , so I will make this short so then I can go back to spending time with Johanna and the kids.
This morning we got up slow, had some coffee, I helped with watering and feeding of animals and then we watched Bella together.
I thought this was a really well done picture with really incredibly powerful imagery.
In some ways I can relate to the story. We all have broken lives in some sense. Events in my life were similar ( though I think the main character's was worse than my own) but I have done time in prison, wrecked my own life and continue to deal with the consequences of the injury I have caused.
My family has paid as well, my mom, my oldest sons all paid a price for the decisions I have made. The good news? God is bigger than all of that. I can do stuff differently than I used to. I can choose love I can choose grace.
I could use some now and then too, But I think what is most important for me, is the way I freely give what has been given.
A lot of days my life really stinks. But I can still love someone or show them that they have some value.

update

2008-06-09T23:56:00.004-04:00

Well,
Just to update the people who have read this blog recently, my son has come back.
I think I will hold off the celebration because we still have some distance to go.
I just hope that he will see that I am for him and not against him.
When you are 15 no one understands you, I remember that. But the main reason no one understands is because we don't make any freakin sense.
I hope this will all turn out ok & I will get my whole family back. I don't count on it, I don't think I could take the let down if I let my self believe that God will repair my family & then it doesn't happen. I already did that once and nearly lost my mind( I did lose my freedom and my right to vote and my right to bare arms{not that I did any way} And that wasn't pretty or fun) I also lost years of my oldest boys lives and I think that had a major part in creating the monsters that rage inside each of my older son's hearts.
Granted, their mother did not help the situation. But I still bare some of that responsibility.
I am tempted ( but I refuse ) to trash their mom right here. She is still actively not helping.
I think God that in the end , we are all accountable for our own actions or lack there of. He will judge each of our hearts( and does I believe) we will all answer for our own lives.
You know it sure would be great though if some bolt of lightning came down hit us all and we just "got it" that instant. If we could all just love each other the way we should.
I guess it's not just the problem with my family, but with the whole world.

oh , oh ..
Check out the hyacinth that is blooming in the little pond that Johanna built.. it's real pretty.

Reality

2008-06-06T23:40:00.003-04:00

this is the most real thing I think about right now. My 15 year old has run away. He may just be staying away for a little while, but I haven't seen him in 2 days. I wish he would come home.
I reported him as a run away this morning with the sheriffs department.
Maybe I am completely wrong in the way I am going about this whole thing. But, I honestly don't know what to do about a son who will come in whenever he feels like it and not go to school or just skip a lot of classes.
I wish I could write about some spiritual truth that was revealed to me, but all I have in my head is this. My son who I love , is gone. He is probably ok, but I have no way of knowing.
I hope he is alright and will come home soon. I hope .

Wisdom

2008-05-31T11:15:00.008-04:00

Prayer,
that's one thing I am slacking in.
Not that my efforts are what matters. I think I know enough now to say that my efforts are squat. But that doesn't mean I should stop doing everything.
Not that my lack of spiritual discipline is the reason things continue to go pretty bad in my life. Things went bad when I was extremely disciplined. The big difference being I felt the right and almost the need to be morally/ spiritually superior(in my mind) and in turn condescending to people I should have been loving.
Now, especially in my lethargy (spiritually speaking) I feel like have no right to consider myself higher up than anyone. I do in some ways feel enlightened, but only because of the process of humiliating myself over and over again. Every thing I once considered concrete, turns out was shifting sand. But, I'm ok with that now. I can say I don't know and I can try to just love people instead of imparting some profound wisdom to them. Yeah, as if I ever was in a place where I could point to me as an example.
The thing is right now I feel a bit like I'm adrift on an unknown sea. Like I used to have something solid to stand on, but now every thing is kind of changing constantly and swirling around me, I feel a little sea sick I guess. I'm not sure what lurks in the shadows down there, I am intrigued and apprehensive about looking down there. Do I really want to know?
My whole life feels pretty chaotic and it seems like I am working really hard to get nowhere.
I wish I knew what I need to do to come out of this ok. For my kids to be ok. For my marriage to make it and for life to come back to some form of normal that I can count on. Is that a lot to ask? I don't feel like I really want a lot out of life. I want to be loved for who I am, I want to see our kids grow up to be healthy happy men who can adapt and handle life as it comes to them. I want to meet my grandchildren and have time to spend with them. I want to be able to live and enjoy the ones I love right now, not someday far away when I am too old to jump on a trampoline & not go to the hospital. I want to play my guitar loud and sing loud and chase little kids around with a box on my head. I want to live and it seems like life gets in the way a lot.
Maybe I am expecting too much. Maybe my effort is too little. I feel like it will never be ok and things will just continue to go wrong and I will never have peace, because this is what I have earned. A life of chaos and discontent and sad self loathing. Nothing seems to go right, for long.
I suppose that's reason enough to pray.
Oh I did take a couple of cool pictures yesterday, that wasn't so bad...

This really sucks

2008-05-28T00:54:00.004-04:00

I'm feeling kind of unsatisfied with my life right now. I know that there are lots of people in the world who have it much worse than me and I tend to not do a lot about my circumstances, but still.
I feel like my relationship with my 15 year old son is broken beyond repair. Probably not , I mean God can fix anything right? But I'm not even sure why it is so broken to begin with. All I want is for us to have a happy family and to live together in peace. But he has seemingly checked out of family life. Maybe that is sort of normal but I hate it. I hate that my son doesn't trust me or want to spend any of his time with me. I have very limited time to spend and he is always gone, even when he is grounded. I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this..

This was the kid who wanted to spend time with me. This was the kid who loved me so much. I don't understand. I understand his brother's rebellion. But not this.
Where did I go wrong? What can I do to fix it? Can it be fixed? Is this how it will be forever?
All I know is, this really sucks..
Night

Oh Yeah

2008-05-20T01:24:00.001-04:00

I also found this really good beer. Just thought I would mention it. I have never seen it before today, but I am pretty impressed. I think I could really get to like this stuff..
Have a great night.

T'was a long night

2008-05-20T00:38:00.002-04:00

Ok so, that said I decided that I have not been writing enough so i am writing this now before I go to sleep. That is pretty much the time that I have most of my computer time. I use one at work sometimes but mostly for like , you know; work related stuff.
Yes ever since the time change, nights have been pretty special.
What I have found is that people's stomachs are not subject to time changes. Because the restaurant I work for closes @ 9:00 on week nights and during the winter business is mostly over after about 7:30 , not so now. We have been getting a nightly rush @ about 8:15 or so, really messing up my routine.
I can look forward to getting out at about 10:00 when the end is nice and slow. but this crap lately has me there later and later.
I suppose I should be happy I have a job, and I am. But man would I love to have a day job, not just a day and night job, but always nights. The thing is, we only have 3 managers and someone has to be there all the time. So, for now that is how it is.
Did I mention that I am very thankful for this job? I am , really. My boss is a good man that is very honest with me I think. Sometimes he seems a bit outdated in his thinking, but he is a good honest , hard working man (much more than I could say for my last boss).

I am also here now to express my concern for my son, again. I am planning on going to court tomorrow to have an ex-parte' put on him. It is pretty much like a Baker act. I am hoping to get him a mental evaluation through this.
I can't explain why he has been acting the way he has for the past few months. But, I am pretty sick of it and I think that loving my son is not letting him do what ever he wants at that moment. I am really frustrated right now with him. He always seems so distant and angry. The fact is I didn't do anything that he should be this angry.
I know life is not a bowl of cherries. But no one's is. I am just hoping that we can get things turned around for him before too long. I would so much rather be extending privileges to him. But I really can't right now. I am really sleepy now I think i need to go.. Good night all.
Peace

What a day

2008-05-12T00:17:00.005-04:00

Happy Mother's Day!!!!
I know by the time anyone reads this MD* will be over, but I figured I would get that out of the way at least.
I had a hard day, not that work was that hard , but man was I tired and felt like crap all day.
It was really pretty slow for such a holiday. When I was working for a very well known restaurant chain MD* was the busiest day of the whole year. Apparently not for my current job.
It seemed like an excruciatingly long day and I felt as if I was caught between two dimensions all day to boot!
In layman's terms," it sucked" .
part of it was fatigue because I have barely slept in like two weeks and tomorrow I go to an interview about my 15 year old son with juvenile justice . It's gonna be a party!!! WOO HOOO!!!!!
So iam trying to make myself sleepy ( because of course I am wide awake now) by drinking beer and eating some frozen chimichangas with mole' all over them. They are delicious ( for frozen Mexican food) I just hope this combination works it's magic on me and I sleep soon.
As far as I know the women who I love the most in this whole world are having a fairly favorable opinion of me today ( I sure hope it didn't change) and that was a comfort.
Still is in fact, I do love my mom and my wife so very much. Most of the time they even like each other. I like that too.
God must have smiled on me a little any way.
Good night..

Tagged

2008-05-09T02:20:00.002-04:00

OK, Sarah Tagged me for this meme (could some one tell me how to say that?) so here is my response.
It's called " The six word memoir" any way here are the rules:

1. Write the title to your own memoir using 6 words.
2. Post it on your blog.
3. Link to the person that tagged you.
4. Tag five more blogs.

Hmm.. Six words. ok here goes..

"Shaun: Trapped within his own mind"

I think I will leave it at that..
I tag:
Tera Rose

WaynO

Kristen

Erika

Johanna

You're it !!!!!!

GOATS, GOD & LOVE

2008-05-05T09:23:00.005-04:00

This is Cocoa, he is a Nigerian dwarf goat and hopefully will be the father of coming Nigerian dwarf goats. We shall see what happens.
We also just got this other goat, as far as I know she is not named as of yet . I guess we are still working on a name. But, she is beautiful.

I am extremely happy to report that Cocoa has calmed down a lot ever since this baby girl arrived. There are a couple of female goats on the property across from us and I think this scent has partially driven him mad along with the fact that he came from a place where he had other goats to do goat stuff with. Cocoa has been a lonely boy for a couple of months(Oh he has dogs, but I don't think he really likes them much) and then there are a bunch of chickens ( more of an annoyance to him than companionship) .
So this is on our quest to live a slightly greener life by growing some of our own food and such. Hopefully baby girl goat will provide us with precious milk and we may or may not keep more goats. Also something still to be determine.

My wife is off with our neighbor this morning, being Jesus to people in need again.
One thing I love about her, she does this incarnational God thing kind of naturally. She would probably deny it, but to me that is what it is. She is always talking about being spiritually inferior to other people ( or eluding to their low opinions of her) but she just does it. She has her problems, but don't we all? Even those spiritually superior people ( of which I may be included in at times) are guilty of not loving her when they are looking at her as less than them.
Jesus said it so simply , as you have done unto the least of these. I think it's too simple for us sometimes. We are like," that can't be it" but, that's it... Love, That is all..

exhaustion

2008-05-04T01:28:00.002-04:00

This is getting really stupid. I am barely sleeping and man is it catching up with me.
I am going to go try and sleep in a few minutes.
My son is getting more out of control , my marriage is iffy at best right now.
( the good news is my mom likes me this week)
oh yeah , we also got a goat this morning, I am not sure if this will benefit me at all , but what ever. We already had one, but we aren't getting any milk from cocoa ( be cause cocoa is a HE ) so we got a SHE. so I guess wee shall see what will be. SEE?

It's late & I'm lonely

2008-04-26T01:47:00.003-04:00

Hi,
My name is Shaun.
I'm 39 I have grey & redish brown hair, I am 5'9" tall with a stocky build. I could use to lose a few pounds.
I also ( contrary to popular belief ) am not depressed..
I have my moments, my life is really hard and I tend to just let what ever is on my mind flow right out onto the page. But, I am not suicidal or even thinking about hurting myself or anyone else( except for my 15 year old son who frustrates me pretty much on a daily basis, But I do love him so).

So, if you were worried about me, I apologize, really.

I am not sure my life will ever be easy.I am not sure I would appreciate the good times if there weren't so many bad times.

There are people in my life that think my venting on this blog is a dangerous red flag for what is really going on under the surface. Good news!!! Nothing ( and I mean absolutely nothing) is going on here. Yeah I get sick of dealing with people's crap. Yes I get aggravated and impatient with people. Yes I get my feelings hurt and I am very disappointed.
But I am not without hope.
This should actually be really good news for you ( whom ever you may be) because, if I have hope, How much better off so many people in the world are.. Of course, I know there are so many that are so much worse off than me.
I guess that is one reason I am so hopeful. I believe that God is doing something that I can't fully understand in my life & the lives of many many people around me.
Maybe that is just a part of the mystery.. I think so , what do you think?

I'm glad God's not mad that I didn't go to church today..

2008-04-14T00:43:00.004-04:00

Yeah, uh , I didn't make it to church (again) today...
I did have an ok day, I had to work ( as usual ) but, I didn't have to pick up one tract or defend my belief in Jesus as the Christ.. I did get pretty aggravated at one point and used some unsavory language. Actually , twice ( the second time was when I was alone though ) ..
I did get to see my wife and kids this morning ( all but my 15 year old son who was at his mom's and my 20 year old who is in jail but was just sentenced to 6 months in Cardinal house which is a drug treatment , life skills and psychiatric treatment center in ST PETE. )
But my 15 year old was here when I got home , I was really glad about that.
It was a long day , I am pretty tired. I will have to do it again tomorrow, only it will be worse.
But, that's ok. I'm used to this I guess.. Right now work is easier than home, not that home is all that bad , I'm just never quite sure where I stand and it seems like most of the people I really care about would probably just walk away from me if they didn't depend on me to help meet their needs.
I wonder how I got here? How do I get out of here?
This is not the life I want. But do any of us really get that? I mean does that happen really?
I'm not convinced, they nod & say yes, but I doubt it.
My ex-wife thought she would have the life she wanted ... Sad long story , but not what she wanted..
I don't know personally very many people who are actually happy.. Do these people exist?
I'm not sure..
I'm just glad that God understands and is with me. Because frankly, right now, this sucks and if I didn't believe that God is with me and does love me and has a purpose for my life that I just can't see right now because of all the crap, I would consider just blowing my brains all over this keyboard..

Yeah, I'm glad God's not mad that I didn't go to church today..

2008-04-10T00:32:00.003-04:00

Relationships are really hard
They seem to be especially hard for me. I'm not sure if it is just my unrealistic expectations or if I am just socially challenged. But when I get close to someone(any one) it always seems to get complicated and messy.
I think a lot about what the future of my children is. I also think about my marriage and wonder if it will last even 1 more year. I really can't answer those either , I don't feel like I have a reference point that I can rely on to guide me in any of this chaos.
I have a son I have almost written off. He walked away from me and I let him and now he would like to come back and live with me, but I can't trust him. So, I have almost no contact with him.
I seem to wrestle every day with my gut reactions and preserving my relationships. If I just react the way I feel like reacting, I will have no one .
Sometimes though, it seems like I am losing myself because I stifle my emotions and reactions.
how do I avoid all of the pain I see coming? Can I? I hope so, doesn't really look good right now.

I think about God , I think about Jesus and the way he reacted while he was walking this earth.
Can I do that? Can I keep my passions and tell the truth without demolishing my entire life? I'm not really sure at this point. I often wonder what is most important, I am afraid even at almost 40 I still feel ill-equipped to deal with life at times.
I know I am a survivor, and I will find a way to live. But I also question that and whether that is even right in God's eyes. I really do want to please God and I really do love my family and I wish things didn't always have to be so hard. It seems it's my lot in life for stuff to just be hard and messy and complicated.
Most days I can barely pray lately. I used to pray as a discipline every morning for at least 30 min. followed by devotions and bible study. I don't think all of that is necessary , but I did think I was doing some stuff right then. Of course that could just be my own pride too. I remember just before I stopped doing this morning devotion that I would also look at the clock when I was done praying that morning, kind of like a little pat on my own back .So now I question even the motivation I had for doing it in the first place.
Maybe I was looking for protection or favor or that things would get better( which they did not by the way at least during that time in my life) . I was in a pretty broken place at that time , so maybe it wasn't all bad motives. But I did begin to get a sense of spiritual superiority because I was doing it. The key object in that sentence I think is "I". I was doing it, I felt it I studied it I prayed on it, I I I ....
Still even in my efforts to do for other's benefits It all seems to come back to I .
Maybe I am really that selfish and self- centered .. It could be what keeps ruining my life. Or it could be my big fat mouth?
Who knows?

Work

2008-03-30T01:23:00.001-04:00

Tonight was good . Stressful, but good.
Things aren't really any different at home but I am in a good
mood. I am pretty tired but wide awake. Why is it that I can be so tired
and so wound up after working all night? I don't think I'm alone in this.
For now, I will read a few more blogs, check some email and have some
semi-decent beer. Maybe I will be sleepy in a little while . I hope so
I would like to go to church again tomorrow I think. I'm not completely
sure about it but I do like it in this church at least I like some of
the things I have heard there. I wish I could find some more people to
really "Be" the church with , but I have yet to find those types of
relationships ( at least in a group setting ) .
I hope tomorrow will be good in some ways I dread it because
Sunday is usually bad at work. We shall see.
Peace

Holidays

2008-03-23T22:39:00.004-04:00

Today was a really incredible day.
I got up & went to church by myself. It wasn't that bad, but I find myself really distracted and distant today in church. I think that's not really normal for me , especially on Easter.
There are many issues in my life at this moment that keep my mind occupied most of the time and I am not really focusing well on anything. But, it is getting better.
I did my best to spend some time with people that I love today. I wish they could love each other. Sometimes it seems like they do, then at others it's like being caught in between warring factions.
My life is pretty chaotic, sort of fitting for Easter I guess. How Chaotic must it have been for the early believers on that day? I am sure they were happy at the prospect of Christ being raised from the dead, but at the same time I bet they were afraid to let their hearts guards down and just believe it .
I am at this place personally where I know that God has spoken something to me about the situation, but I am always looking with my eyes and trusting my feelings . I have been lead down that path before, I find myself fighting it and giving in to it only to realize I am giving in again then trying to stand with more resolve than before.
This is really hard for me and frankly,
it sucks!!
I am realizing more that a "church" may not be the place for my worship. I mean I know that.
My life has to be worship, today only strengthened that need for change in me. I want to do the easy thing, I want to just go to a church and get preached to and get filled , maybe prayed for and go back to my life of ease.
If it were only that easy.
As I drove from the service this morning , I found myself in this dialog with God about what just happened. So what now? I'm not an organizer or a really charismatic leader of men. How and where do I find fellowship with people I can interact with and relate to? It seems very far from here. I am in like church mecca (Central Florida) you can't throw a rock without hitting a church building here. The thing that makes this even more real to me is the fact that I don't see people changing because of all the religion in this town. It seems very much out of context and ineffective to keep doing the same thing. Even personally, where I was once feeling like a church addict and I was getting fresh revelations every week, now it is leaving me kind of flat,kind of empty . Like it is just going through the motions and trying to be correct.
Maybe being right doesn't matter that much , or maybe it only matters when it comes to your heart.
Mine is breaking, but I am hopeful.

I still believe Romans 8:28 is true and in context with all times in history and all places and all circumstances.
This is ALL for my good and for all of us.
Happy easter I hope it was a really wonderful day for you all,
Peace Be With You

it is really late

2008-03-18T02:31:00.000-04:00

I think I don't sleep enough...
I should work on that.

What's important? Really.

2008-03-11T23:23:00.003-04:00

That's what I am asking myself today.
I did take some time for myself and with my 15 year old today I think it helped me to clear my mind somewhat. I am thinking about this Question," What would Jesus tell me to do right now?"
I really don't know for sure, but I think it has to do with love.
One thing that keeps coming into my mind the last few days is how to love. What do I need to do to love? How is that even possible? It seems really hard to not react with the urge that is inside me. An urge that pushes me toward an agenda of self-preservation. The urge that tells me to defend myself. No one can do that to me , they must not know who I am. I have been to the land of Killas & Gorillas and I lived, thrived even. I can be strong I have had to, don't make me prove it.
My natural reaction. My Flesh?
I think this is NOT what Jesus would do. I could try and justify what I want to do, in the ears of most people that I know pretty much anything I would do would be justified. But then there were people who told me I was justified in the Severe injuries I gave to the man I went to prison over .
That is another reminder as well, of how strong I was, how self sufficient how PROUD.
I am a living testimony of how pride comes before a fall. Check it out it's in proverbs somewhere.

Maybe If I can love , just simply love and not react in some irrational, emotional way I will get my family back. Maybe not.
Maybe My ends aren't the purpose of this at all. Maybe I will lose them all for good .
but , maybe, I might; learn something.
How to love. in the face of adversity, in the middle of my personal crisis I might learn to let that go and actually rely on God.
I mean I doubt I will actually learn ( given my track record) But, it could happen. ....

there is nothing good to say

2008-03-06T22:36:00.002-05:00

Right now , I totally hate my life. I wish it wasn't like this . But, it is.
I know it could be worse, Not having an easy time seeing that right now. I guess today is just one more shining example of how much I miss the mark, my laziness, my inadequacies, my general lack of life skills.
Yeah so I'm not the greatest parent, Who is? Show me some great example of the perfect parent and I'll show you some one who knows how to lie pretty good and has some skeletons in their closet. I feel pretty hurt and pretty mean right now. I guess for me they go hand in hand.
Maybe some sort of defense mechanism?
Yeah , you know I dropped out of high school, did a bunch of drugs, got married to young ,ended up in prison, alienated my kids, family and everyone else that mattered to me. Looks like I have finally screwed things up here until my new wife is pretty sick of me too. Well , I guess that is how my life is going to go.
I really thought that we had something that would endure, we are so strangely suited for each other. But I have one skill and that is messing everything up. So here I go again. The one woman who was Just nuts enough to want to make it with me through this life is tired of my crap too. Can't say as I really blame her.

Tagged?

2008-02-25T08:32:00.000-05:00

Hmmm.
I'm not completely sure how I feel about this Kristen
tagged me for this meme and I haven't done this before , so I will probably screw it up(disclaimer aside let's begin!!)
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Here are the rules:
(1) Link to the person that tagged you.
(2) Post the rules on your blog.
(3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
(4) Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
(5) Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website

Seems simple enough Let's PARTY !!! WOO HOO!!!

Ok now for the six Non-Important things about me :

1. I am a high school dropout.
Yes it's true , here I am a real life statistic on my very own blog(isn't technology wonderful?).

2. I love to fish!! Yes I know , you can't believe it, seems surreal . Well ; almost

3. I am married to Kristen's sister !! OOps!! strike that that is IMPORTANT!! I knew I would mess this up. Sheesh.

3 #2. I am in close proximity to people who regularly use the word LOOPTID. Now that is what I call non-important.

4. it's 2:47 a.m. oh hold on that's not about me... ummm ( Quiet buzzing sound accompanied by burning smell) oh oh I know , I am baffled and at the same time infatuated by/with Linux .
I keep trying to break my old 450 mhz computer ( made by a company that no longer exists) by re-partitioning the disc and seeing what version of Linux I can actually run on it. So far Zenwalk is the winner, but I cannot for the life of me get my wireless adapter to work.

5. I love sushi!! I mean love like in a passionate , personal way. It has captivated me since I first tried some about 2 years ago. I know am the proud owner of a rice cooker and there are always at least a few sheets of nori seaweed in my kitchen cupboard. Sushi to me is like eating art. When it is done right , it is just as pleasing to look at as it is to eat it . Yes in my opinion Japanese people are strange( at least the ones I have met ) but I now look at a raw piece of salmon and start to salivate.

6. I play the guitar ... sort of ..
I really like to play worship music ( if & when I can find a song that I can learn in less than an hour) and when I was in prison I used to play during our chapel service sometimes.
I used to try to learn all of this lead crap , complicated riffs that hurt my fingers and my head, but I decided a while ago that it was a lot more fun to just be a hack. So a hack is what I am , but I do enjoy it and I make up songs on-the-fly for little boys with no pants on to run around the house to . Yep this is the life.

ok so now: I am supposed to tag some people not sure who yet but I will try it and see if they like block all future comments from me. I will tag a couple of Opera people
I am tagging 1.Cheryl because I am so jealous of her farm life and 2.Bev because I can I will also tag my new compadre via the internet 3.Wayno
Well that is all that I can come up with for now so I broke the rules a little * .

Hope you all have a great day and are increadibly blessed by my pointless post .
Peace

Hope

2008-02-20T00:57:00.004-05:00

This is going to be short because I am up too late once again. It seems like weeks since I have slept an appropriate amount. So many thoughts and my own emotions keeping me up at night. Not to mention the internet. Not that I have been productive in any way on the net. I just read a bunch of blogs go through a bunch of crap on ebay & craigslist that I don't need and don't buy .
I haven't posted in quite a while and the last one was kind of negative . I apologize for that. My Sister-in-law made me realize today that I am being a jerk. Yes my life is kind of screwed up, my son wants me to kill him and I feel at least 100 years old, but I am alive and I have people who love me and we had a London broil for dinner( with my wife's recent vegetarian-esqe diet that is a feat) .
I am struggling with my everyday life, but I am not giving up. My son is probably going to a house , normally for run-aways but for kind of a relax and regroup session. Actually it is a definite, he will go tomorrow. I am sad that this is what it takes , but our family counselor said that this is good and a sign there are still things here to work with. I hope he's right, because I feel like I am going to snap on my kid and that is not a good feeling. Maybe this time will be good for us all.

a stinky poop place

2008-02-04T00:45:00.000-05:00

Tonight seemed like a pretty long night. I was at work from about 12:30 today( I was supposed to go in @ 4 but I was asked to come in early when one cook whined and cried about being there or being sick or something and another one just outright called in). So ( especially after sleeping too late and missing church ) I had a real attitude when I got to work. Did I mention that my wife seem ALOT less than pleased when I left. Add to this that when I got there it wasn't all that busy.
But, we did end up doing a pretty good business for the day. I can't believe I missed church today. Although I think Johanna has all but given up on the idea of going to church with little kids anymore. I really wanted to go today and I missed it. No huge loss I guess, I am sure God will forgive me for a few missed church services. But I really like it there and they have sort of a Sunday school after the main service(which I can never attend because I always work on Sunday) and I was going to go to it this morning because I didn't have to go in till 4, Yeah right.
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So I guess I am wondering, what is going on with me? I have stress, we all do.
I am tired a lot of the time, pretty normal for me. I am just in this funk, seems like no one can see the good in me right now. Maybe that is just my perception of how things are, but it makes for a crappy week if you ask me.
Basically, I feel disconnected. Disconnected from God, my family, other people around me, like I just accidentally cut the tether between myself and the mother ship, I am slowly drifting away and there isn't anything to grab or push off of to send me back in that general direction.
It's dark and cold and lonely, you would think by now I would be comfortable in this place.
I'm not. It's a stinky poop place.
The very odd thing about this is, the more isolated I feel , the more of a tendency to isolate myself. Isn't that strange? I really want to go fishing , alone but I am way too tired right now.
Peace

The journey

2008-01-11T23:58:00.000-05:00

Today was a good day. I mean it could have been worse. I was at work all day and I guess it was ok. I pretty much just deal with my job right now . I never really had a dream f being a restaurant manager I just ended up doing it so I could use what skills I do have to make a little more money than I was making. Since we have a household of 6 people right now and was 7 at one time, I felt we needed the security of that salary.
I guess there is no real point to this dialog except that I feel more and more that maybe there is something else I should be doing. The problem I guess is that I have made so many bad choices in my life that I don't have a lot of options.
I keep getting this sense that I'm not living out my faith the way I am meant to. I try to be as real as I can, not easy in the restaurant biz. It's actually part of the job to kind of fake like you love every person that comes in with money. Sometimes I really like my job, sometimes I really hate it.

I wonder how contextual my role in this place is. Does what I do every day make any difference at all in the world? Does my life make any sense in relation to the kingdom of God? I wonder.
I know that God is real, I know from personal experience that He cares about me. While He owes me nothing, not even an explanation or any kind of demonstration, He has taken the time and initiative to show me certain things , like for instance, love. So here I am , I find my self in a place where for the most part I did not plan on wondering if in fact God can use this mess that is my life. I think I already know He can, it just seems impossible to me sometimes. I wonder how many people feel the same way I do right now? I am confident that this is not the end of the story and that there are great things ahead. I just have really bad vision at times.
Peace

I SUCK

2008-01-06T10:13:00.000-05:00

Yes that's right folks you heard it here , ummm... well just now. I really do ask anyone, I am no good . Just thought I would let you guys know , thanks .

New Year

2008-01-01T23:00:00.000-05:00

Man am I tired .
Last night we stayed up way too late ( watching Mystery Science Theater) and I had to work all day ,I did get to sleep in a bit though , so that was cool.
I am really hopeful for this year, I am trying not to put any huge expectations on any of us for this year but I am extremely hopeful.
I think it's going to be good, we have pulled all 4 of our (still living at home) kids out of public school. Johanna And I both agree that the way things are going here in public school is not what we want for our kids. So far so good , we haven't really done that much in the way of school yet , but they were going on vacation any way so we let them have a break. In the next few weeks we will see what unfolds in our home.
I also made a resolution to make no resolutions, usually they are just a set up for failure and why put yourself through that? I really don't see the point. I think that if I want to something about me or the way I do something the answer is not to wait for a new year, but to take that moment and decide to change it right then.
I am also very hopeful about my oldest son , who is in jail right now. I hope that God will apprehend him similar to how the police did. I know God has been working on him because prayers have been going up for some time for Tim. I just want him to be able to live a good life and to be able to look back and say it wasn't just a waste. I know inside he wants a good life , he has just been buying into the lies of the enemy and has royally screwed up his life, but I believe that it can change.
There are a lot of things that I would like to change in my life , not all are easy to do for instance I would like to work less. But, this seems extremely far fetched right now. I would have to change jobs( a very scary prospect for me) and I don't really have any great marketable skills. Sure I have a lot of good general knowledge and i can cook pretty good. But cooking is not the best occupation when you have 4 kids at home. I am a manager not because I love to manage or I like to tell people what to do, but because I can count on that paycheck to be at least so much every time. it's a trade off I guess. Of course if I could find a job with 401k, insurance and make like $15 per hour I would probably take it , especially if I could work days.
When I was younger I used to work for a pretty good company and work like 35-40 hrs per week. I really didn't know how good I had it. I had so much more free time, people often times don't realize how valuable that free time is. I used to take my canoe to work with me in the morning and if I got off early I would go fishing or just paddling around the mangroves for a couple of hours. Yep that part was pretty cool.
Any way I am looking at this year with optimism and trying to think about what I would like to see happen in this upcoming year. I know that my spiritual journey (and ours) is taking some new turns. The way I think about Church has been evolving for some time and my wife agrees with me for the most part. We didn't go to a church for a while just because of the difficulty we had getting there for an 8:30 a.m. service , plus the pastor that made us feel so welcome as a couple left and they still have no pastor.
I feel kind of like we gave up on them, but not really it was mostly just really hard for me to get there when I am usually working on Sat. night and @ noon on Sundays.
So, we found a church and we both think God has led us there. It has been a process and if a year ago some one had told me they were thinking the way I have been thinking , I would question their salvation, so much can change in a year.
So I guess that's where I am at. Big changes for our family , for our church, hopefully they will be good. Either way, we will press on and try to live the best way we know how.
Peace

Yeah , that would be cool

2007-12-28T07:19:00.000-05:00

I am up really early today , not sure why I just woke up @ 5 & I can't go back to sleep . So , that's ok, I would really love it if this very noisy cat would go somewhere though .
I haven't been getting that much sleep, but for some reason I can't sleep any more today. I guess I am thinking too much. I have been thinking a lot about different things. About my family about God about all the things that are wrong in this world. I guess if I let them my thoughts could just take over my life, some days they do.
Maybe I should think less, you know the old cliche ,"less is more" . Yeah .
Christmas was awsome, I really enjoyed my whole family except for my oldest son who is still in Jail. But I did get to hear from him that day and he sounded so much better than he has in a long time. Man I tell ya, when he is clean he is a completely different person. But the drugs take over. He is the kind of addict that you can't leave alone, you have to watch him every second and you never know what he is going to do next. He must be a real hoot to get high with.
The one thing that has caused me the most pain has been my inability to reach Tim. I used to make him go to church with me when he lived with me. I don't think it made a difference for him at all, maybe planted a seed in him, but over all I doubt that my forcing him to go to a place he hated was doing him any good.
Now he is in jail. I know how that is , it really sucks. Especially if you are like him and have no money and medical problems. They basically keep him in solitary confinement(it's the medical ward ) 23 hour lock down 1 hour out a day to go out to rec or make phone calls, no tv not much to do at all. The one thing this has done for Tim is made him stop and think . One thing about being locked up, you are forced to be alone with yourself. You can't drown your thoughts out with music or activity. Some times in prison you can get drugs, but I would estimate that this is fairly rare. Tim is in county, he is really extremely bored, I know.
He told me that he has been reading the bible, I hope he has , I mean I believe him, I just hope it is making some sort of sense or at least making him ask some reality questions. I don't think my son is well, mentally that is. At least when he is using (which was all the time) he shows all of the major signs of being a psychopath. He has no regard for anyone else. He hasn't thought about the ways he hurts people in a long time. I believe that somewhere in that boys head there is still a good person, I hope so. And you know as a dad , I can never shake that image of him as a child . My heart breaks for him because even though I know it is largely self-inflicted, he has a lot of pain in his life. I want it to stop, or at least become manageable for him.
I ask that if you read this , you would pray for Tim, Because you know what?I'm not ready to give up on him. I know he thinks I have , I know my mom and probably his mom think I have, but I haven't . I have come close , he can't live with me. But I will always love him , if he killed hundreds of people or became the most evil thing I could imagine (a lawyer) I would still love him. ( the lawyer thing was a joke, I was getting way too serious there) . Bottom line , I love my son. He is no different than any of the rest of my kids (including the one I did not provide any DNA for ) and I will always love him. I hope that some day we can have him around on holidays and maybe even some other times too. Yeah , that would be cool .
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I do also want to say that Christmas was really great in spite of the Tim thing and the fact that I was pretty broke (still am, I need to pay my electric today by 5 to keep the luxury of electric light). Because of some act of God in my favor I was able to provide my kids with the second coolest Christmas toy you can receive ( A drum roll would be appropriate here ) ************
*********** AIR HOCKEY!!!!!**************** and here it is in all of it's awsome wonder

I hope your Christmas was this cool.
Peace

Saturday night/ Sunday morning rambling

2007-12-23T01:31:00.000-05:00

Today was a strange day for me. I'm not sure what is going on with me, but I feel like God is pulling on me in some way that I can't really figure out yet. What is it I am supposed to be doing?
I know that Something is going on here, I just don't see what my role is in this place where God has placed me. I can feel it , there is some thing , there is a purpose in all this madness. I have been listening to this series of talks about being missional and incarnational. This Michael Frost from Australia has been saying some things that are ringing true in my spirit. I can't deny that a lot in my own life must change and I find myself asking this question ,"Who am I?" . I don't really know, I know God has changed me I know that He has shown me favor in this life and has allowed some really hard (but maybe necessary) things to happen in my life.
So, I find myself here. Not a lot of planning went into this on my part. I am just trying to make ends meet the best I can I am not in love with my job , I wish I were but I do try to always remember that I am supposed to be holy and sinless. Really tough stuff.
I'm not good at being holy I am not sinless and I find that I really do want for more of the old sinful lifestyle I used to live.Who the hell am I kidding? I am still pretty sinful.
I can say , I love Jesus . I want to be more like him. I can say that I feel a burning passion to help , who ever it may be at different times with the things they need. I guess there are just times when I feel paralyzed, by my own guilt and shame, by my shortcomings. I am so not like Jesus, how am I supposed to be him to someone else? I really don't know, I pray that God will give me some direction in that.
Seems really complicated , but it's not it's just really hard.
Well , I am going to go get ready for church then I will go to work and try to be like Jesus . Especially on Sunday's it can be really tough to do with all that "church" crowd coming in leaving tracts and giving servers $2 tips for a $30 check. I am supposed to say ,"hey we aren't all like that , I don't look down on you ." But to follow actions that solidify the not yet Christian's position about Christianity or "church " people is pretty hard and it can get tiring
Peace be with you

HeartAche

2007-12-16T23:57:00.000-05:00

Tonight I am not feeling very well.
I met a man today , his name is Randy. Well that is what he told me it was anyway.
He doesn't look good at all and came into my workplace to warm up. He seemed desperate and ashamed , but he also had an element of pride about him. I tried to talk to to him twice today. The second time I was able to talk to him more, but both times he ended up walking away from me as if I was just trying too hard or coming too close, like with a wild animal, you can get so close but the moment they feel threatened they run. Randy ran . Once he ran with a cup of coffee and a cigarette, the second with a few dollars. I drove home crying , I don't know why other than I can see my self or one of my children or parents being like him. He was kind of dirty , but aren't we all? What was so threatening to him about me? Am I trying to hard? do I really care about this man? I don't know him, have never seen him before today. But I cried because of him and I got kind of angry at another person at my workplace for calling him a bum. Randy didn't ask me for one thing. He did say he came in to warm up because it is kind of cold outside tonight. It's not that cold, but Randy doesn't look well and he is very thin. I don't know when or if I will get this man off of my mind.
I'm not sure I want to.
Peace

Old Souls

2007-12-10T09:45:00.000-05:00

I just learned of this girl who ,in my opinion, has a very old soul. Amy Winehouse is a jazz/contemporary singer that I had never heard of before today.I am sort of out of the loop so to speak(I really don't watch t.v. and I mostly listen to christian radio when I do) I don't learn about a lot of trends until some one else tells me about it , or like today I stumble upon something that piques my interest.
I saw this article, about her mom issuing a plea for her to come home and they would help her get well.
Mrs. Winehouse, I can relate. I Have a son, 20 years old. that's him in the foreground. He has a drug problem,further complicated by his diabetes. He was diagnosed at 18 months old , so it has nothing to do with anything he (or we ) did or didn't do about his health. He was just chosen to have diabetes. It has been a heartbreaking road. I still find myself dealing wit conflicting emotions about him. I love my son, I really wish I could trust him. I wish I could take the desire to get high away from him. He has stolen from every member of his family and gotten himself into trouble and seems to have no concern for anyone around him. I watched this video and it made me sad. Because I see my son in those eyes. Amy is 4 years older than my son Tim , I think their generation is crying out for help that we aren't sure how to give. I can't wave a magic wand and make this world less sad. I can't fix every broken thing. I can't change the past , I know that we as parents hurt our kids(I know I hurt Tim) but we can't change the past, we can only move forward.
I know that I have failed my kids in many ways over the years. I have always loved them and I have always wanted a good life them, yes even for Tim , even now.
How did these kids get to this point? How does such despair grip someone so young ? What is it that hurts this bad? It hurts me to see the pain in my son's eyes or to hear the pain in the voice of such a beautiful young girl. Why can't they see that they have a future? It's not over yet, there is a life out there for you.
PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP

A Church Home?

2007-12-02T22:55:00.000-05:00

I think we may be onto something here. Today was the second week in a row that I attended Beacon Community Church . I had been there before a long time ago , my wife and I went there and for what ever reason we didn't keep going. We did attend a church where her Mom goes ,a Lutheran Church. So any way I have not been attending any church in months, I felt that it was just too hard to try after working Sat. night to get up for an 8:30 a.m. service and , ever since the pastor that married us left the church, things have not been the same. He really made us feel welcome as a family. There was utter & complete acceptance for our sometimes annoying bevy of children. In this one man I think we saw a demonstration of grace that we wanted to emulate and that made "me "want to be there anyway. It was always different after he left and I don't want to sound like I am following after a man, I really try not to fall into that trap.
At any rate we all went to church together this week and it was really good. God spoke to me last week in a way that made me want to come back for more this week and I prodded the other members of this household to go this week,which we did. And this week God spoke to my wife and myself in a special way. We both had the same thought(even though I didn't say it to her) that,"This is the right place for us". Let me explain a little:
One thing that we have both been thinking about is,community and what that might look like here ,now or maybe in the future. How can we play a role in that?
We also have been thinking about what we can change here , in our home to make a difference in our children's lives and our own.
I have started reading a lot of stuff about the Emerging Church, New Monasticism and Post Modernism.
I think that God has put it on our hearts to change the way we think about everything and we have found evidence that this is really what God is doing.
I say ,"I think" not because I doubt what God is telling me, but only because I don't want to make assumptions about what God is telling Johanna, she is her own person unique and different from anyone else .
I know for sure that we agree on much of this stuff. We also went to a David Crowder Band concert for our anniversary and we both love his work and message(especially "Remedy" their new cd) which also talks a lot about works, not that our eternal salvation is about works, but we need to change things. This world is not going to last for our children's children the way we are living and doing business.
So today we went ,the first Sunday of Advent and it was a communion service. I have not taken communion in months (in the Lutheran church we take it every service) and I really needed to be a part of that again, I need to be in a body of believers and be fed with God's word. So any way the "conversation" was about Hope and how that relates to the Christmas story. How we have made it some fairy tale where there is all of this awe & wonder but no despair , no fear. We celebrate Jesus' birth but miss the reason for celebration.
So it was about moving into truth , not denying there are problems or trying to ignore our circumstances but facing fears and and loss and grief . Going head on , hoping in God knowing He loves us and is with us and we will be ok. That God will not fix everything for us but we will be ok. because he cares about us . He will not race to stop every perceived injustice that makes us uncomfortable,on our time table for our whims. But he will rescue us. He may have a different plan than what we think , but his is better anyway.
Also , during communion the guitar player played a song that spoke to both of us . It was familiar , a song by David Crowder "surely we can change" that will tear your heart out and show it to you (especially if you are in the same shape I am in lately)and if you are a lover of God , at some point you will have tears welling up (if you listen to the words).
So , I look over at my wife and she is sobbing. And I could tell that she was Not just distraught but she was feeling like I was and that maybe this is a good place for us. Because our walk with God (I believe ) MUST be personal, and our focus should be outward,but we also need that rest ,that encouragement we get from a corporate worship experience. I don't think that this should be my focus (any longer) but I think I need to be strengthened by that setting ,by others who are trying to walk this path and live the way God wants us to.
So, maybe ; we have found a church home.
PEACE BE WITH YOU

The Weight : Noun 1. The vertical force exerted by a mass as a result of gravity.

2007-12-02T00:53:00.000-05:00

I feel it pulling me , compelling me . I see darkness and I see light I wrestle with both compulsion and revulsion, disgust and hope.
I'm not sure where I stand.
I feel lost, but I feel like I can't be lost.
The need of immense love to fill the unfathomable depth of the sorrow.
The theme of this planet seems to be a slow funeral dirge that stabs humanity in our collective soul, bleeding , feeling faint, we are all like ashen statues empty lifeless shells of people with purpose, people who loved , people who hated now it is nothing. Abyss. The darkness is growing , this place is cold, the love is dying .
Why?
What will we do ?
What will I do?
Could I fly? Could we? Are we just men and women, fleeting ,temporary?
Is this it? Where is this kingdom we seek & why does it elude us?
Are we blind? Deaf? Dumb? What the hell is the problem exactly?
And why,
as introverted and selfish as I am,
is this heaviness pulling me down so?

HAPPY THANKS GIVING

2007-11-23T23:00:00.000-05:00

I thought I would share what our Thanks Giving Day was like .
Quite different from what it has been in past years (a change for the better)

We had a really good day in spite of Calvin freaking out somewhat.
We went to both parents houses (mine & Johanna's) and it was pretty good at both places, plus we didn't really have to cook. Calvin decided each time we arrived somewhere new that he did not want to be there. I think he really wanted to be at home. At Grandma Sue's house it was a little hectic until he fell asleep, when he woke up later , he was in a much better mood. I did get a picture of the 15 year old sleeping next to him at Sue's.

When we got to my mom's house It was the same story .
He wanted to go home and told me so . But, after we were there for about a half an hour he was fine and playing with all the other kids. My sister and brother were there with their kids . My mom's house is pretty small and it got loud and chaotic, but a good time was had by all. My mom also proved once again that she is one of the best cooks to come out of Appalachia. She made a ton of food and I think an army could have been fed with the leftovers. Then we had "special coffees" and sat around and talked for a long time. It was a really good day all in all.

In the morning we did something that I think we will try to make a tradition in our family. We have thought much about establishing family traditions with our kids that they will find some meaning in and hopefully pass on and keep alive in their own families when they are grown.
We decided that we should do something with some meaning on this holiday. So we cooked 2 turkeys and some mashed potatoes, got some tea, paper plates and took Thanksgiving dinner to a colony of homeless people who live in the woods nearby where we live now. My wife and I were both a little nervous about it , but it turned out pretty good. I also think this made an impression , not only on the men who we left the food with , but even more on our kids.
I was fairly restrained in what I said to them and just told 2 of the men that I just wanted them to know that they do matter and they are not just forgotten.
My 15 year old complained about being part of this, but he didn't have to be prompted to help with the unloading of food and some clothing , toiletries ,sheets and blankets (that Grandma Sue sent with us). I also saw him shake hands with one of the men and wish him a happy thanksgiving( he also told my mother that it was pretty cool ) . I really hope this was what God would have us do, some people would say it was risky and we could have put our children in danger. But, I think this made what will be a lasting impression on them. So yeah , it was a really great day and I felt slightly guilty for having so much , sad for those people who are living out in that little section of woods and so incredibly blessed To be surrounded by such love .
Thank you Lord
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On a sadder note, I found out my oldest son is back in jail.
But at least he is alive and he will not sleep on the street tonight and I will probably not get that phone call I have been expecting in the back of my mind to tell me he was found dead. Maybe this will be the time that he will save his own life. I hope that God Gets a hold of him and he can see that he is destroying his life . I so want my son back , he was such a good boy and I was always so proud of him.
I ask any one who reads this to please pray for him. I don't want to bury my son .
Peace

We Made It Back ALIVE

2007-11-17T22:38:00.000-05:00

Well, Johanna and I went to Orlando on Thursday to see David Crowder in concert.
We made it , really had a great time and after getting somewhat lost we made it home.
We totally agree on David crowder , we both love his music and just the person he seems to be. I think the fact that he was not just playing music but challenging people to go out and love others, to provide things that are needed , and to live justly speaks volumes.
I also got another thing from this concert(besides the increased endearment of my wonderful wife) I was also affirmed in the way my own thoughts have been running as of late. I actually heard of Brian Mclaren on Kansas Bob's blog. I read a little of what he was talking about on the web and then I got "A New Kind Of Christian"from the library.
The more I read the more I see that this is what I am missing , a real tangible faith that I work out with acts of kindness . With living justly.
I love the general theme of the new CD by DC*B ,that we are supposed to Be Remedy . Yes, God is the remedy for all that is wrong in this world. But, we are supposed to be His hands and feet, we are supposed to act out our faith in hopes of a life on earth that is worth living , with Justice. You know when you are in a town like Orlando, you really don't see the pain in the world. It is a place that exudes of the affluence of this nation. People spend so much there, almost everyone you meet is dressed nicely and many are on vacation. David and band played at the Hard rock live, basically a club setting with a complete circular bar and cocktail waitresses. I think they picked these places on purpose. to kind of infiltrate the world. I think that is what we are called to do , to go out to go where they may not have heard the good news and to treat people the way Jesus would .
How is it we can say a little prayer, have a so-called spiritual awakening and become instant preachers and judges of the rest of the world? Why do we spend so much time , money and effort on "church"activities and have no time for the crazy haired homeless guy we pass 15 times a week?
WHAT THE HELL MAKES US SO SPECIAL?
I can tell you this , the homeless guy could be closer to God than our pastor, we may never know until we actually invest in some people , not "saved" people, but the people that Jesus would have been interested in. People don't need another tract or to say a prayer, they need towels and socks. I for one want to move away from worrying about the "spiritual condition " of the people I meet and move into action. The word agape comes to mind and these verses :
Isa 58:5 Is it such a fast that I have chosen? a day for a man to afflict his soul? is it to bow down his head as a bulrush, and to spread sackcloth and to spread sackcloth and ashes under him? will you call this a fast, and an acceptable day to the LORD?
Isa 58:6 Is not this the fast that I have chosen? to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that you break every yoke?
Isa 58:7 Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and that you bring the poor that are cast out to your house? when you see the naked, that you cover him; and that you hide not yourself from your own flesh?
Isa 58:8 Then shall your light break forth as the morning, and your health shall spring forth speedily: and your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
Isa 58:9 Then shall you call, and the LORD shall answer; you shall cry, and he shall say, Here I am. If you take away from the midst of you the yoke, the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness;
Isa 58:10 And if you draw out your soul to the hungry, and satisfy the afflicted soul; then shall your light rise in the darkness, and your darkness be as the noon day:
Isa 58:11 And the LORD shall guide you continually, and satisfy your soul in drought, and strengthen your bones: and you shall be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not.
Isa 58:12 And they from among you shall build the old waste places: you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; and you shall be called, The repairer of the breach, The restorer of streets to dwell in.
So much for concert talk .
Peace

Marketing

2007-11-12T02:51:00.000-05:00

Today I saw something that I thought was kind of disturbing. There was a tract that someone left on a table for a server along with a very small tip.I admit I didn't actually read it , I found it to be so offensive that I wouldn't have read it , ever.
This particular tract was printed to look like a wallet with a $100 bill sticking out of the top. I don't mean that it had a picture of a wallet , it was basically a photo, printed on a wallet shaped piece of paper,obviously meant to deceive someone.
I just looked at it and said,"Why?" . What are we trying to prove with that?
Are we showing how cleaver and conniving we can be? That we are just as cunning as the rest of the world? Why would anyone think they would get a positive response for this kind of tactic?
I often feel as if I am being judged by "good christians" who don't work on Sunday because, well you know it's church day.
I freely admit that I haven't been attending a church for a little while now. I am not making any excuses for that. I really would like to get back into a church and I have plans with my wife and kids to try out a few churches that are in the area. The smallest child had a fever this morning so we put off our plans to visit a local church today. I really think though, if any church is teaching members to leave tracts everywhere, be condescending and presumptuous about what spiritual state the people who are bringing them food are in , I don't think I can be a part of that.
Thanks to Sarah for getting me going on this .
I hope that we can move past this commercialization of the Gospel . People don't need to be tricked into saying some prayer that will likely do nothing as far as making their lives better. It seems to me that often times that we remove God, with our actions and our words .
Peace

Post Modern?

2007-10-30T10:47:00.001-04:00

So,
I am beginning to realize as I look around me ,
that I am not the only person thinking about this new era of ideology concerning Christ and the church. Even though my thoughts have been going in this direction for some time, I had decided that just not really voicing my opinion was the best thing. As you will hear some post modern thinkers say," some people get it and some don't " was what I was thinking to my self. Especially as far as accepting people for who they are and on issues of judgment and my perception of someone else's situation. We are all different , we ALL have a unique experience in life. We all fall short.
Peace

Revolution? whatever

2007-10-20T21:40:00.000-04:00

Tonight I am tired, not sure why but I have had sinus problems all day sine I woke up. But, I was off today and I am really happy about that !
The real subject here is about something I am not sure what to call.
I first heard of Brian McLaren on Kansas Bob's blog. Since then I have been watching videos, reading stuff {including scripture} and thinking.
I can't say that church has no place in my life. But for me it has become less relevant as far as what I actually do in my spiritual walk with God. I love going to church, I think fellowship is very important , even vital to the believer.
What I don't see is the fruit of all of this work that goes on in churches , I know many people sacrifice to work or give to the church they attend.
I guess the point of all this is to say , I'm not sure where I am as far as being fixed in a certain statement of faith according to a certain denomination. I have felt for a long time that no one religious sect has it all right. I think we are all fallible and that religion is very much a human effort to reach God.
I have been in this mode of questioning for a while, Not that I doubt the fundamental truths (yes I said truths) of Christianity. I absolutely believe that Jesus was fully God and fully man . I believe the apostle's creed.
I feel like I have actually grown away from a lot of religious activity. I mean is activity what God wants from us? And if it is , what kind? Where? What is the motivation? Are we supposed to give 10% of our gross income to a church then drive right past homeless people standing on street corners or ignore the neighbors we have had for 2 years? Should we spend all of our time doing "church work" and sacrifice the relationship with our own families? Should I Force Christianity down my 15 or 20 year olds throat and expect them to just blindly accept what I say even though for years I acted worse that they do?
What does all of this mean ? Why are we here? How can I best be a representative of Christ to those who need Him most in my day to day?
Honestly , I'm not always sure. But one thing that church has taught me about that is what not to do. As a child my family attended a very popular unnamed denomination.
This was the place where I first learned about Jesus and first had that desire to know Him. Also it was the place where I was first alienated by "Church Folks" because I didn't fit in their mold of what a young Christian should be ( funny they didn't either ). I decided back then (when I was 16 ) that I didn't want to be a part of this group ( see unnamed ) .
Is that what God wants from me? To drive people from my presence ( and His ) with a set of rules or beliefs that don't allow them selves to be questioned?
Jesus may have spoken in riddles to some people, but he didn't refuse to be questioned . Why should I be above that ? What is wrong with saying that I don't know , I don't have it all together , I may be wrong?
So , I suppose I am asking for input and wondering what others are thinking or if , you know , I might be coming to some unrealistic conclusions .

Oh yeah I also finished the David Crowder book ,
I really enjoyed it and laughed a lot . I highly recommend it to any one .
Peace

quiet time

2007-10-15T00:15:00.000-04:00

It is very quiet here right now , I am pretty sure everyone else is asleep.
It can be really nice at times, all this quiet, but I feel some loss for the day that has gone by and I can't get it back . I wish I had more time with my family or maybe if I had gone to the park this morning I wouldn't feel like this. I usually have a blast with all of them and I want to be anywhere that Johanna is, I don't feel complete without her. I can be alone and do things alone( sometimes that's great ) but I really love being with or even just sharing space with all of them .

My other blog

2007-10-11T00:32:00.001-04:00

I am not a huge reader. I really only read a couple of books a year and they have to interest me greatly for me to finish them.
Well I recently read a book that was written by one of my favorite musicians David Crowder . That book is called "Praise Habit , finding God in sunsets & sushi ". It was really good and I got some good insight from it. It focuses on making praise a habit rather than something we do at church . The theme is pretty much that God is ever present in the mundane every day things we do and His desire is that we praise Him in those things realizing that God is the center of everything, everything we are everything we see everything we do. Anyway I really like David Crowder and I think he is very genuine (especially for such a public figure) in a world where even the religious leaders or others we would refer to as "Spiritual" seem to be selling something just like the rest of the free market we call society.
So I go to work , where I am a manager of the restaurant variety, and start telling the only other openly christian person I know there about this book and how funny it is & the unique perspective that he puts on things . She tells me that her son has been reading a book by the same guy! (Whoda thunk it?!) Then she asks me if I would consider a swap ( of the temporary variety ) and I was like ,"yeah of course".
So now I am reading ( and almost done with ) "EveryBody Wants To Go To Heaven, but Nobody Wants To Die,or (The eschatology of bluegrass) " .
This Book is really amazing , I find myself laughing out loud then a few minutes later almost in tears. It's a strange layout for a literary work , but it works so far And I am almost done with it. I told my wife tonight that I will be sad when it's done. But maybe that is part of the reason for the book in the first place.
I am thinking more about the permanence of death and maybe how it might not be , but who really knows?
I mean I don't know any one that has died that I can ask about it. It seems to me that, while we are living we keep ourselves kind of separated from it and don't admit it is there. Until ,we are faced with someone else's or our own mortality, then we can't deny it any longer.
we say," tomorrow" but what if tomorrow never comes?
Peace

Comfort

2007-10-06T09:29:00.000-04:00

It's about 9:30 a.m. here , I woke up not feeling very good , but it's normal.
I did spend some time reading devotions and the Bible and I am feeling better than I was.I was reading John 14 , Jesus promises that he won't leave us as orphans.
I was looking at the way verse 8 was translated in other versions and here is what I found :comfortless, orphans, alone, fatherless, desolate & bereaved.
I thought this was an interesting set of words and was thinking about the times when I have felt most alone. There have been plenty, sometimes it was just my perception, others I was truly alone. The thing that I remember most is how much worse it was to just perceive that I was alone and fatherless. the thoughts in my head seem to always be the biggest obstacles in my life.
Far worse are my imagined dangers that ever present fear that can grip me seemingly out of nowhere.
The biggest change in my life is that the fear takes hold much less often than it used to , and now when I do feel that icy grip , I have this assurance that I am not alone I know who I need to talk to, I know where my help comes from . Even though I see that for the most part nothing changes. Most of the people I pray for never change or things do not get any better for (them that I can see), but this peace inside (seems crazy to describe it) but it's there for no explainable logical reason. Still I am comforted beyond reason.
Maybe I am crazy , there is a distinct possibility that I am chemically imbalanced. Or, perhaps; Jesus meant what he said and even though I don't deserve it , he gives it to me anyway. Could happen.
Peace

DOGS , CHILDREN AND SLEEP

2007-10-03T01:38:00.000-04:00

the reason I am getting on here in the middle of the night is , my dog won't sleep . I don't know why he is so lively in the dead of night , but man I wish he would just go lay down somewhere. He keeps doing this random patroly thing (while atop my bed ) Now he is out here lying in front of the couch since I'm not in the bed any more. Oh well I guess I will give him a few minutes before I try to do it again.
The thing that makes it hard is , I was already sound asleep and he woke me with this marching doggy cadence around the bed .So, now I'm up. Not happy but up.
It has been a while since I posted anything, not too many people ever read it any way. So I guess it doesn't really matter , I just started this blog for my own personal use any way.I don't have a lot of time to write these days , I work a lot for little pay . But you know there are lots of people who are doing a lot worse . There are people in the world who don't have the essentials of life who are hungry right now and worried about just surviving .
I am extremely blessed ,I have all of these kids who are pretty healthy , a good job , a wife who loves me , a roof over the heads of my family. There is a lot of love here. There are also moments when it looks as if it will all come apart, but I think it is that way for most families.
I had the day off today ( technically it was yesterday ) and it was an uneventful day . I had to take my now 15 year old to his doctor appointment and later I had a personal appointment I had to go to. after that we went & got some hamburger buns so I could make health food for dinner. Burgers and fries may not be that good for you , but at least they all eat when we make them. Other times the smaller kids just move food from one area of the plate to another.Oh and not to mention the comments. Mostly I can let the comments sail on by , but "BLECK!!" is a common one , I heard that one from the 3 year old this very evening. Another one is ,"I HATE THAT!!" without ever even putting a morsel near any taste or olfactory apparatus . I hate developed a fairly thick skin when it comes to comments on my cooking . My lovely wife is also very complementary most of the time , counteracting the abuse of the small ones :)
Well tomorrow is another day, I should go try it again the dog seems to have relaxed for now.
Peace

He gave me a good life

2007-09-21T10:39:00.000-04:00

I started reading this new book. It's called "Praise Habit " by David Crowder.
I have only read a little bit but so far I really like it. I am probably biased because I think his bands cd is one of my favorites in like 10 years. Oh, it's the one called "A Collision( Or 3+4=7 ) " . I think he has some really good insights .
The whole book is basically about letting Praise ( of God The Father ) become not just something we do but a way of life . He suggests that it could be possible for us to worship, honor , Praise Him in every aspect of our lives. Seems like a pretty tall order. It has me thinking , that is good .
There was a time when I thought I knew what I was doing . I was walking so closely I thought. I would spend all this effort on focusing on God and talking to Him
constantly. Then I hit real life. As those who do know me already know, I was in prison for something I am not proud of , it was a terrible thing, it changed my life permanently and destroyed much of it. But, at my lowest point, God was there. He Kept me from giving up , even after I had given up. He gave me a peace in the midst of what I saw as the end of my life , and I guess it actually was. I am not the same, my life is so much different and I lost a lot in this ordeal.
I lost my wife , my kids , my house ,some friends, my right to vote ,years of my and my children's lives and my dog ran away. Believe me when I say it was the end of that life.
But, like Job , God has brought it back. I have not one more son but 3 more than I had. Two are not my biological sons , but I will give you three guesses who they call Daddy? ( He asked him knowingly ).Being a bleeding heart artist I find that music often says it perfectly. there are 2 songs that describe the way I feel about what has happened in my life . The first is a song by Audio Adrenaline called " This is The Good Life" . The second is for the second part of my life it's "Family Man " by Andrew Peterson (the Cd is "Love and Thunder") it spells out for me the way God has restored me . This was not my plan, it's so much better than.
I can feel the Love when I come into my house. I also feel it when things are tense and I forget about this life that God gave me . God did this ,with no help at all from me. If anything I have stood in the way of any real progress He would have with me . Just one more demonstration of God's Love and His power.
With all the opposition I gave Him , He gave me a good life .
I need to remember that .
Peace

Monday

2007-09-17T21:38:00.000-04:00

Monday !!
Today was a really great day, not much spectacular happened but it was a nice relaxing day off with my wife .
Her mom took the baby and we had a couple of hours to our selves . We even got to go out for lunch.
Early in the day we went to look at a house where , who knows ? We could end up moving.
It is just shy of an acre and is zoned agricultural, so we could have as many animals as we want. That is a really good thing because I am pretty sure we are in violation of some county code right now with 15 chickens and 2 turkeys in the back yard.
The owner sounded fairly positive when my wife spoke to him , I am planing on trying to talk to him tomorrow.

Sushi

2007-08-29T22:34:00.000-04:00

I love sushi!
I don't know if anyone reading this does , but man I am addicted to it .
I started out with some beginner stuff, but the last time my wife & I went out for sushi we tried Sea Urchin. Man ! was it good too . An oriental man I know told me it tasted like " the ocean" . You know what is strange? That's really what it tasted like , it is very hard to describe but I think " the ocean " is the best description of it .
I also make my own now . A while back my wife bought me a rice cooker and did that ever make it easier . I love having a rice cooker. I made some just yesterday and the day before for lunch .

Here is what I made 2 days ago . One is crab, scallion, cuccumber and avacado . One is a really basic California roll and one is salmon, cream cheese cuccumber & fresh peach. I like the blend with salmon(smoked or raw) cream cheese and some thing sweet. I think they go very well together . I have made one in the past with strawberries, also very good . I just thought I would share a picture and a passion of mine , Sushi!
I'm getting hungry now .
Peace

How about that?

2007-08-29T17:21:00.001-04:00

I don't know how any one else feels about this , but I am hoping that soon we won't have to hear any more crap from George Bush. I think he has said enough to last us all a life time .

BBC NEWS | Americas | Bush marks two years from Katrina

Last Updated: Wednesday, 29 August 2007, 16:11 GMT 17:11 UK
E-mail this to a friend Printable version
Bush marks two years from Katrina

US President George W Bush observes a minute's silence
The president still faces anger over his handling of the crisis

President Bush
US President George W Bush has praised the people of New Orleans and insisted the city will fully recover, two years after being hit by Hurricane Katrina.

"Better days are ahead," the president told an audience at a school in one of the districts flooded in 2005, before heading to neighbouring Mississippi.

In the wake of the storm Mr Bush vowed to "do what it takes" to rebuild the city, but he has since faced criticism.

Katrina killed 1,600 people in the states of Louisiana and Mississippi.

The storm made landfall as a strong Category Three hurricane at 0610 on 29 August 2005 and flooded some 80% of the city after levees broke under the pressure of the storm.

Maybe he does have a sense of duty to address these people , But I would rather see him actually do something than talk some more . George, actions speak louder than words, or so I've heard .
Peace

Loss For Words

2007-08-27T23:45:00.001-04:00

Tonight is a tough night . Not much to say , I really love my family . I wish they could get along .

THE GOOD LIFE

2007-08-10T10:24:00.000-04:00

Yesterday Was my Birthday. I feel old , but not that old . I do feel extremely loved now , because my kids went out of their way ( with Grandma Sue's help) and got me some small , but very thoughtful presents.
My wife also made it clear to me that she does still love me very much and I am going to try from now on not to take that for granted . This life together isn't easy and can be pretty frustrating at times , But man has God blessed me beyond what I ever thought possible .
Just a few years ago I thought that I was done , I had nothing to look forward to I had lost my kids, I had lost every thing.
But it really is just like that song by Audio Adrenaline " The Good Life" I really did lose every thing , I could ever want ever dream of . But just like the song I found every thing I could ever need , here in your arms.
Here are some of the lyrics.

I've watched my dreams all fade away & blister in the sun,
every thing I've ever had has unraveled & undone.
I've set upon a worthless stack of my ambitious plans,
the people that I've loved the most have turned their backs & ran.
This is the good life ,
I've lost every thing ,
I could ever want ever dream of .
This is the good life ,
I found every thing ,
I could ever need here in your arms.

2007-08-03T08:43:00.000-04:00

40%

Paris Singles from Mingle²

Discontent

2007-08-01T00:17:00.000-04:00

I am going to have a three year old again!
Calvin is turning three in a few days and it seems like he was just a little tiny baby such a short time ago .
This combined with my foot pain makes me feel very old . I know I'm not that old yet but , I am feeling it none the less.
I am really excited about this week with the boys.
A.J. turns five on Thurs . and Calvin will be three on Sat. ( Did I mention I got BOTH DAYS OFF!!!) . I am not hating my job quite as much today.
I think I am in sort of a rut and I need to get out of it . It is kind of hard with my job, because most days work is all I really have time to focus on. My family suffers some for this , not to mention my internal life ( the one in my head , where I mostly wear boxers all day ) and my relationships. All of my relationships.
So lately I find myself focused on my unhappiness and I really think it is counter productive , So far it has not helped me one bit to spend so much time on dread and dissatisfaction .
I wrote a poem that is sort of related to this attitude I have had lately and it is posted on my other blog Emancipated .
I hope that any one who reads this will read my poem and coment on it .
Any way , I hope you all have a great night .
PEACE.

OPERATION FAT BOY: update

2007-07-31T00:03:00.000-04:00

So far I have done absolutely nothing about my belly.
I am disgusted but I have had very little time to work out . Maybe after I get off of here I will go do something . The only problem is , I am so tired right now . I worked from noon till about 10 p.m. . It is very hard to get motivated , I did avoid pork for the most part today. I think if I could afford to eat sushi every day for lunch I would probably be doing a bit better. The whole BBQ thing is not working to my advantage, it's just too easy to get a sandwich and call it lunch . Another obstacle is we have like my favorite French fries in the world (THEY ARE SOO GOOD!!) I think if anything gets me it will be the fries .
Any prayers would be much appreciated because I don't think I can do this .
Sincerely ,
Exasperated

My Workout Plan

2007-07-28T21:40:00.000-04:00

Time is a killer.
I realize today that I am getting older (38 ) and I am getting fat. ok I have been fat , but it wasn't all that long ago I was in pretty good shape ( like 4 years ago ) . Between work , & family I don't have much time to work out or much desire to . So what do I do? I could go on a diet , which I am planning on cutting back on certain things any way ,because I don't want to die, But I am not good at diets . In the past I have always been more active , but I had more time too & it seems like Florida just gets hotter . It is so hard to get motivated when you are facing a 90 degree day and you would like to go running , but if you go outside for like 5 minutes & stand still the sweat pours off of you .
I think I need a colder climate , & frankly Global warming scares the crap out of me especially when it is so hot here I can barely stand it. I should add to my list my own lethargy & an appetite for pork sandwiches.
I guess I am going to have to find a way to get some exercise ; tomorrow.
Peace

Good Night

2007-07-22T00:59:00.000-04:00

As usual I am awake a lot later than I need to be . Given the present time, I am probably not going to make it to church this week either (it is a bit of a challenge anyway because Johanna has been going to a later service since the first one is at 8:30 a.m. ) I haven't made it to a service in weeks.
The odd thing about it is , I used to equate my church service attendance with my closeness to God , I don't really feel that way any more. Maybe this is just my way of absolving myself of any guilt over skipping . But I work mostly nights , I definitely have some sleep deprivation issues going on and the only service I can make it to I am going to have to go to alone , because no one else is going to get up to go with me & then I will not see my family for the entire day because I close almost every Sunday night.
So , are these just excuses? Probably. Will I make to church in the morning? I doubt it . I could go to a slightly later service at the church I used to attend , I will keep that in mind , but once again the issue of not even seeing my family for the whole day. Sounds silly probably , But I hate that .
any way I should sleep . Good night .

Date Night

2007-07-17T14:23:00.000-04:00

Last night Johanna & I got a night out for the first time in a while . Grandma kept the kids overnight so we went back home , had a nap and then went out to dinner. We went to a new sushi place that just opened up about 5 weeks ago , it was awesome.
Johanna got this roll called "Deep Rising" that had spicy octopus salad & shrimp inside and I ordered the "Godzilla " with spicy tuna,crab asparagus, avocado,cream cheese,scallion ,massago and a spicy mayo mixed with eel sauce . They roll it then fry it tempura style, cut it and garnish with the mayo massago & scallion. I can't remember when I had a better sushi roll.
The company was excellent as well . We have had our problems recently, but I really do enjoy spending time with my wife . She is beautiful ,funny ,gentile ,kind and really smart. She is probably much smarter than I am in a lot of ways.
It was a really relaxing evening then we watched a movie she got from the library about two Italian brothers who are failing with their restaurant even though the older brother is a really fantastic chef .
It kind of resonated something you learn after being in the business for a while , you can serve crappy food and be successful. You can also have the best food in the world and fail. There are a lot of factors but ,mostly it is 1 accommodating people and giving them what they want 2 advertising . You could have terrible food but a prime time television add can bring lots of business.
Any way , I had a much needed date with my wife & I think she liked it too . I am really glad we get to do that every once in a while .
PEACE

Ungrateful ME

2007-07-07T00:03:00.000-04:00

It's late , Johanna is asleep , little kids are all at Grandma's tonight . I am starting to feel better about life . I think that I have been taking things a little too seriously . My life is not that bad , there are so many people in other places even in this country who are doing so much worse than me , I have been very ungrateful for all that I do have. I have a wonderful family , they may not always like each other but I love them all . I also have food for myself and my house , heck we even have air conditioning when it isn't frozen up . I have a good job (there are people with degrees who aren't doing as well as I am ) I may not make a lot of money , but I make a lot more than I did a while back . Just a couple of years ago I was a dishwasher making $6.50 per hour & going home at night to a work release center . I was able to work , but I slept in prison every night. So things have come a long way for me in a few short years. I never thought I would have another girlfriend , much less another child. Here I am Calvin is truly a gift from God ,as are all of the kids that live here and for the most part Johanna and I have a great relationship. It's not perfect , but we do really enjoy each other most of the time.
I was at work tonight ( I closed ) and after every one was gone I was thinking about these things & praying asking God to help me to love my job , to really be grateful for it.. I have had some pretty lousy jobs, when I was in prison I was so happy to work for free, for something to do, now I am paid pretty well and I let it really aggravate me at times . It is so strange how your perspective changes the way you feel about things. I remember getting out of prison and not feeling free at all. I was under tremendous stress from the moment I got out . I almost wanted to stay in , but it is a lot better now . Even if I am depressed I am glad I'm not there anymore .
So God has done a lot in my life . He has changed me , He has given me a life that I never thought I would have. He has changed my view on so many things ,the way I talk the way I act the way I think(most of the time , I still wrestle with anger & violent thoughts ) there are so many people in the world who don't have it nearly as easy as I do . So , I am going to try to keep an attitude of gratitude .
Lord , thank you for all you have done in my life . Thank you for the ways that you have changed me, and for all you have given me . I could not achieve any of this on my own. I love you as unfaithful as I am at times I know where my help comes from and I just want to take this time to thank you again for the love and the favor you have poured out on me and on my family . I lift up all of my kids I lift up Johanna that you would pour out your love on each of them in a way that they would know that you are real and they would all come into a closer walk with you . I also ask that you would heal Tim, that he could stay out of the hospital and find a treatment program that would keep him , so he can be a productive member of society. Lord wrap you arms around him and surround him with your angels. I know he feels lost and alone , let him know you are there . And lastly Lord I ask that you would change my heart , help me to love more purely , more blindly ,more ; to be more like you Lord so I will know peace . Thank you . Amen

HELP!!

2007-06-25T08:38:00.000-04:00

I just would like to apologize for the post I did have up here . I am going through a really rough time & getting kind of depressed about my life . I am thinking about trying to go for more counseling ,but I'm not too sure I can afford it or if it will really do me any good . I am a lot better than I was a few years ago , but I suppose that there are still times when I am fairly paranoid and neurotic. I am having trouble dealing with the separation in my family , more like division . Any way it seems I am always at odds with some one . Now my jealousy, because of the past betrayals I have dealt with is causing me & mine even more problems . I don't want to lose my family . I love all of my kids (even the ones that I didn't provide any genetic material for ) and I can't stand the thought of losing them or my wife who I believe to have been sent to me directly from God .
Why would He let me have all of this just to take it away?
So here I sit ,paralyzed by my own fear of the unknown and of my own inadequacy.
I don't think that anyone can really know what another person is thinking , and I know that we have our own individual life experience that shapes us . For me , just not losing it and hitting some one or something is a pretty good sign. But I am still far from where I want to be .
Still, I can't always be wrong can I?
I can't be the blame for every thing that's wrong in every one's lives .
Probably that is not what is meant by the icy demeanor of my favorite woman in the whole world . But , that sure is what it feels like .
I can't help the way I feel about some things and when people try to belittle me or mock me because they feel they are better or smarter , there is a little boy inside me that wants to lash out . I still have some real issues with the well of anger that erupts inside me . The good thing is I can control it now more than ever. I try to censor my words and actions , for the most part it works. I am not screaming or hitting or breaking things. I can be logical for the most part . Inside I still feel like a little kid , powerless .
What ever this post is , I hope that God is hearing me when I say ," I can't fix this ! or me! or anything!!" HELP!!

Yeah

2007-06-19T09:57:00.000-04:00

It's been a few days since I posted anything , so I figured it was time . I was off yesterday and I didn't accomplish much but that's ok I guess. I came home 2 days ago to a new puppy.
I really didn't want another dog right now ,but Johanna wanted it and it is half Great Dane (my all-time favorite breed) . So I guess we are keeping it . She named him Pinkerton(after the children's books ) not all that cool with the name either but hey , I can deal with it .
We didn't do much as I said , we did end the evening with some backyard splashing around in the pool . It was so hot , I can't believe how hot it was outside yesterday and from what I see this morning it is going to be another smoker today . Any way I have to work again today @ noon & I close again ( pretty much how it's going to be ) so I will have to leave them all behind for the rest of the night . I don't suppose it matters very much because no one here seems to like me much these days anyway . I hope I can get through tonight with relatively few problems .
I think I may need to take just a few days for me , disappear for a while , go fishing do something I want to do for a change . It gets pretty discouraging when no one approves of you . Not that I need it that much, but it is nice from time to time .
Peace

update

2007-06-12T14:15:00.000-04:00

Well , I am back @ work today ,trying to figure out how I can be happy& support my family . I think I am just kind of burnt out on a lot of this restaurant stuff . I am thinking maybe I should have been like a ditch digger or something .
Any way , I had an awsome day off yesterday . We all went Blueberry picking & came back home for a few hours . Later we went over to my brothers house & swam for a couple of hours .
Nothing extraordinary happened , but it was a very relaxing night with my family & every one got along pretty well I think maybe that is the key , just to make the most of the time I don't have to work . But , great days off also make me wish I was at home when I am working . So who knows ? I am going to try to have the best attitude I can & see where that gets me
Peace

it's me

2007-06-04T23:34:00.000-04:00

Ok , I give up .I want to apologize for the post I did have up here . I was feeling really sorry for myself and was pretty much just venting . The fact is, a lot of the time I feel pretty powerless an I an one heck of a placation artist not to mention a pretty decent enabler. So every once in a while when it looks as if things might fall apart I get kind of despondent.
Things could be worse than they are & I think Johanna is not going to leave me now . But one can never really be sure can they ?
I guess I have been hurt one too many times to believe that any one is all that devoted to me.
Today I went back to work after yet another day off. It wasn't a bad night . I wish I didn't work so many nights but it wasn't bad .
I also learned tonight that the guy who got my promotion at the job I recently left, got fired.
I am not happy that he got fired, I really like him and he is more qualified for the job than me .I am really pissed off though that they did this . First of all, I was told I had this job. Second , They told me they couldn't promise me that I would be able to get a raise in the semi near future. So I left , on good terms , but I did leave .
I plan on just dropping by to see what they are doing for a kitchen manager now , maybe they will come with some sort of offer for me . but then again , at this point I would need a really good offer to go back . I do miss it , that place was mine . I had my recipes on the menu and I had moved up from a cook to a supervisor to assistant KM . Any way I feel really bad that they fired the man . Even though I am kind of upset about the way they handled this whole thing , there is a tiny part inside me that wishes they would try to get me to go back . But for now , I am still a BBQ man .
Oh God , please forgive me for my selfish , self centered attitude and for not trusting you . You have provided so much , more than I need and all my family needs . I pray Lord you won't take them from me or let me be so pig headed that I lose them on my own.
Help me Lord , to focus on you , not like I have been (in my despair) but to just acknowledge you and to give you the credit that you deserve . Thank you for your unbelievable patience with me Lord .
Amen

Fantasy

2007-06-04T08:22:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a Pretty good day . We went to Key Vista park & just played around . The water was really high so the beach was pretty much under water . We did find some crabs & interesting rocks for little boys to investigate . There was also a peacock wandering around in the front of the park all day . I am pretty sure it must have come from a nearby home since peacocks are hardly indigenous to central Florida. It wasn't a bad day then we found out that a store near here had Key West shrimp for $2.99 lb so I went & got some & Johanna made her famous Spring Seafood Stew . It was (as always ) delicious & very filling . After that we went away to never never land & lived in peace & harmony for a thousand years. Oh yeah it was great .
Peace