Thinking today about what I have to live for. Mostly because I don't feel like I have much. There are my kids, I guess that's a reason although it seems like they don't care too much.
        I am on vacation, a sort of unexpected one. I did want it but I thought I had to move it so I wasn't planning on it then I got it, and I am getting paid but I am pretty broke for this vacation, makes it a lot more boring.
 So I need to find something else to live for.


8/26   I am still in a dark place, not as bad as a few days ago and it will get better.
     I have to remember I do have my kids and a few good friends. At times it seems really pointless though. I mean like everything. I want to be better, but for what?  I want to organize my life, but no one will notice or care. I want to go back to school and it looks like I am, even though it seems futile to start on a degree at this age. It's the past, I can't completely let go. All the broken promises and pain, makes me feel old, makes me wonder if I will ever really be happy. There are moments, times when I can let go of everything and be "in the moment" as cliche as that sounds I find it to be true.
 I guess that's the trick really. I still believe in God, but in my faith I feel misunderstood. There are very few people I can ever discuss God with and be honest about it. Well maybe that's not the way to put it, there are few I can talk to about God and not have to bite my tongue, a lot.
           So there it is man, the good thing is, Blogging is pretty much dead, so not many people will read this

Ode to Zeke

Ode  (owed) to Zeke

You were just a child of five,

When you came into my life.

I didn’t know what I wanted

That day that you arrived

But you saw right through me,

Wisdom beyond your years

Heartbreak and sorrow

                                                      Realized all your fears.

You had eyes of fire,

Olive skin & Coal black hair

A smile to blind the sun

And a calculating stare

It wasn’t you,

It wasn’t me,

It was the way it had to be,

My only consolation.

Is hoping now you’re free

Not fighting in your flesh

How  you were meant to be

Life is never easy

Not yours’ to say the least

You lived a constant battle

Fighting with the beast.

The beast that lived outside,

The beast that lived within

The beast that so entangled

The child that was my friend

I just want to say ,

I’ll love you till my end

I’ll have a void inside me

Until I see you once again

Till I see you once again,

Till I see you…

Once…

again

And then

Yeah so there is this thing.. I keep thinking about..
   Turns out, my marriage, my life, the future I thought I had.. It was a lie..
 so sad..
  That is all

Pressure

Times are pretty tough all over, I know that.
 I have worked hard pretty much always kept a job and yet, we are living leaner than ever before.
 Sure there are things we still get to do, but sometimes it just seems like  all the work never pays off.
Yeah I guess it's a little whiny, We did go to sea world this summer, but not because we could really afford it.
 We just wanted to give the kids a special fun time to remember about the summer, because most of it was pretty hot & boring.
       I feel bad because I was able to work less and give my older kids more back in the 80's.
I'm at a loss for what to do right now, I have lots of ideas but the only way I can guarantee I will make more is to work more. I am considering getting a part time job, if I can find the right gig.
 Every other idea I have involves risking money I can't afford to risk right now. Maybe when business picks up for Johanna we will be in a better position to take a risk. I do know of one job I can probably get if I try, but it is even farther away from here than my regular job and I'm not sure what hours they want and I have to keep my regular job. I am finding out more about it, but I have doubts that it will be what I need although it's a job as a line cook & I will probably get paid well ( plus that is my favorite thing to do in the world).
   I have thought about going back to school, maybe getting a business degree ( since what I really wanted to study is totally not an option at this point in my life) .
     What ever happens, it will all work out. I have to believe that. Been getting a little depressed lately
nothing to bad but some days it's hard to function. There are so many people in the world worse off, we have food, we have a home. Plenty of people would envy where we live.It is just still such a day to day struggle to make everything work. I guess I'm just tired.
 There is still the issue of my older kids, they are both causing me some stress lately.
 I worry about them both. I wonder if they will even outlive me. At least one of them I seriously doubt.
 I hope they both do though and are able to be happy, have peace in their lives.
 For them but also for my mom and for my own well being.
 So, I'm a mess, nothing new really same old crap.
     I wonder sometimes if God really has a plan for my life, it seems like all I ever do is damage control.
Peace

Summertime

This summer is turning out to be ok, at least I have been working the whole summer except for a couple of days off that I took.
I'm struggling with some personal issues that are all mine, my fault & my problem. It does get pretty hard not to stay focused on those even when things are going really well, but I'm working on it.
Our mini vacation was pretty cool, we took the boys to Sea World in Orlando, but I think they liked the Hotel better than Sea World.
I got some pretty cool pictures too. Calvin Me and A.J. Near the entrance to Manta.

and some sea lions.
I also got one good Shamu shot.


I think this is the same whale that was involved in 3 separate deaths, the last one he drowned his trainer.
They are pretty amazing animals.
there was a lot of cool stuff to do and see.
But man was it hot.

It's been super hot here all summer, thank God we got a new ac unit right near the beginning of the season. It cut our electric bill down quite a bit as well as freakin rockin at keeping this place cool.

The boys all want to go back to regular school this year and Mike is super excited because of the clubs and things that he will be able to go to in middle school.
The other 2 are only upset by this.
My job is going ok but they are sort of forcing me to go to a different unit.
I'm not really upset by it as long as I get the promotion I am angling for. We shall see.
I know I am lucky to have a job, especially with my personal.. uh .. drawbacks?

Well, that's it I guess. Just a summer update, over all we are all good here.
Peace

You can call it what you like

I've been pretty busy and pretty broke, because gas is like $3 billion a gallon now.
But I think life is pretty good. I really like it at my new job(although I have heard rumors that they want to move me to another campus) I don't make nearly enough money but the place is pretty nice and the people & students there are great.
I miss real cooking a lot, this place is mostly burgers and chicken tenders, plus I rarely cook when the fall semester is in. I will be doing basically everything there for the summer.
I am just hoping that I can either get a nice raise or find a unit to transfer to for a promotion where I can make more, because I was making this much a long time ago and I am doing a lot more work for it.

Apart from work life is pretty good, Johanna got a job as a server at a local BBQ place ( the same company I used to be a manager for) and so far she loves it there. As a friend once told me," restaurant work is like an addiction" Ain't that the truth?
She is making a little cash there and I think it's going to work out ok as long as I can get a raise.
The kids are doing pretty well, they have a few friends that we meet pretty much every week for play dates and the are all working on taking on more responsibility at home for their own things and messes.
The heat is almost here for real, today when I came home there were millions of love bugs every where, it's like you can smell them there are so many. I guess the heat and the rain we had today woke them up.
I've been playing my guitar more in my spare time ( what little I have) and I keep trying to write songs, but I guess it doesn't really matter that much and I can escape for a few minutes into my mind when I play music. So that's pretty much why I play any way.I'm certainly not trying to break into the music business or anything.
The one really cool thing about the long drive to work is I can listen to music the whole ride.
Our babies are doing ok, we have bunnies and pigs( not so small now) and the baby goat is bigger and eating well but still can be fairly annoying.We also have a few chicks that will probably end up as food for coyotes, but oh well.
So I guess that's it, Just hoping that things will continue to improve and that my older boys will be ok at some point and my mom won't be so angry with me.
isn't it strange the way the dynamics of relationships change as we get older?
there was a time that in my mother's eyes, I could do no wrong. I think she mostly tolerates me now.
And I Still lover her very much, but I never call her after about 8:00 p.m. and I go weeks without talking to her because I don't want to feel guilty. Not that I really think I have anything to feel guilty about (at least not what she thinks I should feel guilty for)it's all just so different than it once was between us.
everything changes I guess.
Peace

Bitches ! it's a celebration!! Enjoy your selves..

Not doing that great these days .. I am trying to stay positive about life, but life gets in the way..
My job is ending with the company I have been working for because they lost the account at the school where I work.
As far as I know I won't be hired by the school because of my felony conviction.
I guess that's the way it goes.
Also lots of tension in my house lately because, well I'm not completely sure. I know my wife is really tired and so am I and it seems like every time I am in a job crisis she wants to start talking about how we need to split the bills as if we were room mates.
I feel pretty alone at this point, but I am working on it. I know things aren't always bad, but it seems like not one person is actually happy with me. I don't think I have taken advantage of Johanna but in some way she must think I have. Or at least that's what it feels like.


Darkness, that cold embrace.
Into her bosom I fall.
I never can see her face,
the cold consuming my all.
In a life I once lived there was joy.
A life filled with wonder and security.
the darkness has taken the dreams of the boy,
there remains a void filled with futility.
Pain makes lets me know I'm alive,
And I think that's what I want to be.
against all the sorrow I strive,
but I feel her icy fingers clawing me.
And her cold glower is drawing me.