Comfort

It's about 9:30 a.m. here , I woke up not feeling very good , but it's normal.
I did spend some time reading devotions and the Bible and I am feeling better than I was.I was reading John 14 , Jesus promises that he won't leave us as orphans.
I was looking at the way verse 8 was translated in other versions and here is what I found :comfortless, orphans, alone, fatherless, desolate & bereaved.
I thought this was an interesting set of words and was thinking about the times when I have felt most alone. There have been plenty, sometimes it was just my perception, others I was truly alone. The thing that I remember most is how much worse it was to just perceive that I was alone and fatherless. the thoughts in my head seem to always be the biggest obstacles in my life.
Far worse are my imagined dangers that ever present fear that can grip me seemingly out of nowhere.
The biggest change in my life is that the fear takes hold much less often than it used to , and now when I do feel that icy grip , I have this assurance that I am not alone I know who I need to talk to, I know where my help comes from . Even though I see that for the most part nothing changes. Most of the people I pray for never change or things do not get any better for (them that I can see), but this peace inside (seems crazy to describe it) but it's there for no explainable logical reason. Still I am comforted beyond reason.
Maybe I am crazy , there is a distinct possibility that I am chemically imbalanced. Or, perhaps; Jesus meant what he said and even though I don't deserve it , he gives it to me anyway. Could happen.
Peace

DOGS , CHILDREN AND SLEEP

the reason I am getting on here in the middle of the night is , my dog won't sleep . I don't know why he is so lively in the dead of night , but man I wish he would just go lay down somewhere. He keeps doing this random patroly thing (while atop my bed ) Now he is out here lying in front of the couch since I'm not in the bed any more. Oh well I guess I will give him a few minutes before I try to do it again.
The thing that makes it hard is , I was already sound asleep and he woke me with this marching doggy cadence around the bed .So, now I'm up. Not happy but up.
It has been a while since I posted anything, not too many people ever read it any way. So I guess it doesn't really matter , I just started this blog for my own personal use any way.I don't have a lot of time to write these days , I work a lot for little pay . But you know there are lots of people who are doing a lot worse . There are people in the world who don't have the essentials of life who are hungry right now and worried about just surviving .
I am extremely blessed ,I have all of these kids who are pretty healthy , a good job , a wife who loves me , a roof over the heads of my family. There is a lot of love here. There are also moments when it looks as if it will all come apart, but I think it is that way for most families.
I had the day off today ( technically it was yesterday ) and it was an uneventful day . I had to take my now 15 year old to his doctor appointment and later I had a personal appointment I had to go to. after that we went & got some hamburger buns so I could make health food for dinner. Burgers and fries may not be that good for you , but at least they all eat when we make them. Other times the smaller kids just move food from one area of the plate to another.Oh and not to mention the comments. Mostly I can let the comments sail on by , but "BLECK!!" is a common one , I heard that one from the 3 year old this very evening. Another one is ,"I HATE THAT!!" without ever even putting a morsel near any taste or olfactory apparatus . I hate developed a fairly thick skin when it comes to comments on my cooking . My lovely wife is also very complementary most of the time , counteracting the abuse of the small ones :)
Well tomorrow is another day, I should go try it again the dog seems to have relaxed for now.
Peace

He gave me a good life

I started reading this new book. It's called "Praise Habit " by David Crowder.
I have only read a little bit but so far I really like it. I am probably biased because I think his bands cd is one of my favorites in like 10 years. Oh, it's the one called "A Collision( Or 3+4=7 ) " . I think he has some really good insights .
The whole book is basically about letting Praise ( of God The Father ) become not just something we do but a way of life . He suggests that it could be possible for us to worship, honor , Praise Him in every aspect of our lives. Seems like a pretty tall order. It has me thinking , that is good .
There was a time when I thought I knew what I was doing . I was walking so closely I thought. I would spend all this effort on focusing on God and talking to Him
constantly. Then I hit real life. As those who do know me already know, I was in prison for something I am not proud of , it was a terrible thing, it changed my life permanently and destroyed much of it. But, at my lowest point, God was there. He Kept me from giving up , even after I had given up. He gave me a peace in the midst of what I saw as the end of my life , and I guess it actually was. I am not the same, my life is so much different and I lost a lot in this ordeal.
I lost my wife , my kids , my house ,some friends, my right to vote ,years of my and my children's lives and my dog ran away. Believe me when I say it was the end of that life.
But, like Job , God has brought it back. I have not one more son but 3 more than I had. Two are not my biological sons , but I will give you three guesses who they call Daddy? ( He asked him knowingly ).Being a bleeding heart artist I find that music often says it perfectly. there are 2 songs that describe the way I feel about what has happened in my life . The first is a song by Audio Adrenaline called " This is The Good Life" . The second is for the second part of my life it's "Family Man " by Andrew Peterson (the Cd is "Love and Thunder") it spells out for me the way God has restored me . This was not my plan, it's so much better than.
I can feel the Love when I come into my house. I also feel it when things are tense and I forget about this life that God gave me . God did this ,with no help at all from me. If anything I have stood in the way of any real progress He would have with me . Just one more demonstration of God's Love and His power.
With all the opposition I gave Him , He gave me a good life .
I need to remember that .
Peace

Monday

Monday !!
Today was a really great day, not much spectacular happened but it was a nice relaxing day off with my wife .
Her mom took the baby and we had a couple of hours to our selves . We even got to go out for lunch.
Early in the day we went to look at a house where , who knows ? We could end up moving.
It is just shy of an acre and is zoned agricultural, so we could have as many animals as we want. That is a really good thing because I am pretty sure we are in violation of some county code right now with 15 chickens and 2 turkeys in the back yard.
The owner sounded fairly positive when my wife spoke to him , I am planing on trying to talk to him tomorrow.

Sushi

I love sushi!
I don't know if anyone reading this does , but man I am addicted to it .
I started out with some beginner stuff, but the last time my wife & I went out for sushi we tried Sea Urchin. Man ! was it good too . An oriental man I know told me it tasted like " the ocean" . You know what is strange? That's really what it tasted like , it is very hard to describe but I think " the ocean " is the best description of it .
I also make my own now . A while back my wife bought me a rice cooker and did that ever make it easier . I love having a rice cooker. I made some just yesterday and the day before for lunch .

Here is what I made 2 days ago . One is crab, scallion, cuccumber and avacado . One is a really basic California roll and one is salmon, cream cheese cuccumber & fresh peach. I like the blend with salmon(smoked or raw) cream cheese and some thing sweet. I think they go very well together . I have made one in the past with strawberries, also very good . I just thought I would share a picture and a passion of mine , Sushi!
I'm getting hungry now .
Peace

How about that?

I don't know how any one else feels about this , but I am hoping that soon we won't have to hear any more crap from George Bush. I think he has said enough to last us all a life time .

BBC NEWS | Americas | Bush marks two years from Katrina

Last Updated: Wednesday, 29 August 2007, 16:11 GMT 17:11 UK
E-mail this to a friend Printable version
Bush marks two years from Katrina

US President George W Bush observes a minute's silence
The president still faces anger over his handling of the crisis

President Bush
US President George W Bush has praised the people of New Orleans and insisted the city will fully recover, two years after being hit by Hurricane Katrina.

"Better days are ahead," the president told an audience at a school in one of the districts flooded in 2005, before heading to neighbouring Mississippi.

In the wake of the storm Mr Bush vowed to "do what it takes" to rebuild the city, but he has since faced criticism.

Katrina killed 1,600 people in the states of Louisiana and Mississippi.

The storm made landfall as a strong Category Three hurricane at 0610 on 29 August 2005 and flooded some 80% of the city after levees broke under the pressure of the storm.


Maybe he does have a sense of duty to address these people , But I would rather see him actually do something than talk some more . George, actions speak louder than words, or so I've heard .
Peace

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Loss For Words

Tonight is a tough night . Not much to say , I really love my family . I wish they could get along .

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THE GOOD LIFE

Yesterday Was my Birthday. I feel old , but not that old . I do feel extremely loved now , because my kids went out of their way ( with Grandma Sue's help) and got me some small , but very thoughtful presents.
My wife also made it clear to me that she does still love me very much and I am going to try from now on not to take that for granted . This life together isn't easy and can be pretty frustrating at times , But man has God blessed me beyond what I ever thought possible .
Just a few years ago I thought that I was done , I had nothing to look forward to I had lost my kids, I had lost every thing.
But it really is just like that song by Audio Adrenaline " The Good Life" I really did lose every thing , I could ever want ever dream of . But just like the song I found every thing I could ever need , here in your arms.
Here are some of the lyrics.

I've watched my dreams all fade away & blister in the sun,
every thing I've ever had has unraveled & undone.
I've set upon a worthless stack of my ambitious plans,
the people that I've loved the most have turned their backs & ran.
This is the good life ,
I've lost every thing ,
I could ever want ever dream of .
This is the good life ,
I found every thing ,
I could ever need here in your arms.

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Discontent

I am going to have a three year old again!
Calvin is turning three in a few days and it seems like he was just a little tiny baby such a short time ago .
This combined with my foot pain makes me feel very old . I know I'm not that old yet but , I am feeling it none the less.
I am really excited about this week with the boys.
A.J. turns five on Thurs . and Calvin will be three on Sat. ( Did I mention I got BOTH DAYS OFF!!!) . I am not hating my job quite as much today.
I think I am in sort of a rut and I need to get out of it . It is kind of hard with my job, because most days work is all I really have time to focus on. My family suffers some for this , not to mention my internal life ( the one in my head , where I mostly wear boxers all day ) and my relationships. All of my relationships.
So lately I find myself focused on my unhappiness and I really think it is counter productive , So far it has not helped me one bit to spend so much time on dread and dissatisfaction .
I wrote a poem that is sort of related to this attitude I have had lately and it is posted on my other blog Emancipated .
I hope that any one who reads this will read my poem and coment on it .
Any way , I hope you all have a great night .
PEACE.

OPERATION FAT BOY: update

So far I have done absolutely nothing about my belly.
I am disgusted but I have had very little time to work out . Maybe after I get off of here I will go do something . The only problem is , I am so tired right now . I worked from noon till about 10 p.m. . It is very hard to get motivated , I did avoid pork for the most part today. I think if I could afford to eat sushi every day for lunch I would probably be doing a bit better. The whole BBQ thing is not working to my advantage, it's just too easy to get a sandwich and call it lunch . Another obstacle is we have like my favorite French fries in the world (THEY ARE SOO GOOD!!) I think if anything gets me it will be the fries .
Any prayers would be much appreciated because I don't think I can do this .
Sincerely ,
Exasperated

My Workout Plan

Time is a killer.
I realize today that I am getting older (38 ) and I am getting fat. ok I have been fat , but it wasn't all that long ago I was in pretty good shape ( like 4 years ago ) . Between work , & family I don't have much time to work out or much desire to . So what do I do? I could go on a diet , which I am planning on cutting back on certain things any way ,because I don't want to die, But I am not good at diets . In the past I have always been more active , but I had more time too & it seems like Florida just gets hotter . It is so hard to get motivated when you are facing a 90 degree day and you would like to go running , but if you go outside for like 5 minutes & stand still the sweat pours off of you .
I think I need a colder climate , & frankly Global warming scares the crap out of me especially when it is so hot here I can barely stand it. I should add to my list my own lethargy & an appetite for pork sandwiches.
I guess I am going to have to find a way to get some exercise ; tomorrow.
Peace

Good Night

As usual I am awake a lot later than I need to be . Given the present time, I am probably not going to make it to church this week either (it is a bit of a challenge anyway because Johanna has been going to a later service since the first one is at 8:30 a.m. ) I haven't made it to a service in weeks.
The odd thing about it is , I used to equate my church service attendance with my closeness to God , I don't really feel that way any more. Maybe this is just my way of absolving myself of any guilt over skipping . But I work mostly nights , I definitely have some sleep deprivation issues going on and the only service I can make it to I am going to have to go to alone , because no one else is going to get up to go with me & then I will not see my family for the entire day because I close almost every Sunday night.
So , are these just excuses? Probably. Will I make to church in the morning? I doubt it . I could go to a slightly later service at the church I used to attend , I will keep that in mind , but once again the issue of not even seeing my family for the whole day. Sounds silly probably , But I hate that .
any way I should sleep . Good night .

Date Night

Last night Johanna & I got a night out for the first time in a while . Grandma kept the kids overnight so we went back home , had a nap and then went out to dinner. We went to a new sushi place that just opened up about 5 weeks ago , it was awesome.
Johanna got this roll called "Deep Rising" that had spicy octopus salad & shrimp inside and I ordered the "Godzilla " with spicy tuna,crab asparagus, avocado,cream cheese,scallion ,massago and a spicy mayo mixed with eel sauce . They roll it then fry it tempura style, cut it and garnish with the mayo massago & scallion. I can't remember when I had a better sushi roll.
The company was excellent as well . We have had our problems recently, but I really do enjoy spending time with my wife . She is beautiful ,funny ,gentile ,kind and really smart. She is probably much smarter than I am in a lot of ways.
It was a really relaxing evening then we watched a movie she got from the library about two Italian brothers who are failing with their restaurant even though the older brother is a really fantastic chef .
It kind of resonated something you learn after being in the business for a while , you can serve crappy food and be successful. You can also have the best food in the world and fail. There are a lot of factors but ,mostly it is 1 accommodating people and giving them what they want 2 advertising . You could have terrible food but a prime time television add can bring lots of business.
Any way , I had a much needed date with my wife & I think she liked it too . I am really glad we get to do that every once in a while .
PEACE

Ungrateful ME

It's late , Johanna is asleep , little kids are all at Grandma's tonight . I am starting to feel better about life . I think that I have been taking things a little too seriously . My life is not that bad , there are so many people in other places even in this country who are doing so much worse than me , I have been very ungrateful for all that I do have. I have a wonderful family , they may not always like each other but I love them all . I also have food for myself and my house , heck we even have air conditioning when it isn't frozen up . I have a good job (there are people with degrees who aren't doing as well as I am ) I may not make a lot of money , but I make a lot more than I did a while back . Just a couple of years ago I was a dishwasher making $6.50 per hour & going home at night to a work release center . I was able to work , but I slept in prison every night. So things have come a long way for me in a few short years. I never thought I would have another girlfriend , much less another child. Here I am Calvin is truly a gift from God ,as are all of the kids that live here and for the most part Johanna and I have a great relationship. It's not perfect , but we do really enjoy each other most of the time.
I was at work tonight ( I closed ) and after every one was gone I was thinking about these things & praying asking God to help me to love my job , to really be grateful for it.. I have had some pretty lousy jobs, when I was in prison I was so happy to work for free, for something to do, now I am paid pretty well and I let it really aggravate me at times . It is so strange how your perspective changes the way you feel about things. I remember getting out of prison and not feeling free at all. I was under tremendous stress from the moment I got out . I almost wanted to stay in , but it is a lot better now . Even if I am depressed I am glad I'm not there anymore .
So God has done a lot in my life . He has changed me , He has given me a life that I never thought I would have. He has changed my view on so many things ,the way I talk the way I act the way I think(most of the time , I still wrestle with anger & violent thoughts ) there are so many people in the world who don't have it nearly as easy as I do . So , I am going to try to keep an attitude of gratitude .
Lord , thank you for all you have done in my life . Thank you for the ways that you have changed me, and for all you have given me . I could not achieve any of this on my own. I love you as unfaithful as I am at times I know where my help comes from and I just want to take this time to thank you again for the love and the favor you have poured out on me and on my family . I lift up all of my kids I lift up Johanna that you would pour out your love on each of them in a way that they would know that you are real and they would all come into a closer walk with you . I also ask that you would heal Tim, that he could stay out of the hospital and find a treatment program that would keep him , so he can be a productive member of society. Lord wrap you arms around him and surround him with your angels. I know he feels lost and alone , let him know you are there . And lastly Lord I ask that you would change my heart , help me to love more purely , more blindly ,more ; to be more like you Lord so I will know peace . Thank you . Amen

HELP!!

I just would like to apologize for the post I did have up here . I am going through a really rough time & getting kind of depressed about my life . I am thinking about trying to go for more counseling ,but I'm not too sure I can afford it or if it will really do me any good . I am a lot better than I was a few years ago , but I suppose that there are still times when I am fairly paranoid and neurotic. I am having trouble dealing with the separation in my family , more like division . Any way it seems I am always at odds with some one . Now my jealousy, because of the past betrayals I have dealt with is causing me & mine even more problems . I don't want to lose my family . I love all of my kids (even the ones that I didn't provide any genetic material for ) and I can't stand the thought of losing them or my wife who I believe to have been sent to me directly from God .
Why would He let me have all of this just to take it away?
So here I sit ,paralyzed by my own fear of the unknown and of my own inadequacy.
I don't think that anyone can really know what another person is thinking , and I know that we have our own individual life experience that shapes us . For me , just not losing it and hitting some one or something is a pretty good sign. But I am still far from where I want to be .
Still, I can't always be wrong can I?
I can't be the blame for every thing that's wrong in every one's lives .
Probably that is not what is meant by the icy demeanor of my favorite woman in the whole world . But , that sure is what it feels like .
I can't help the way I feel about some things and when people try to belittle me or mock me because they feel they are better or smarter , there is a little boy inside me that wants to lash out . I still have some real issues with the well of anger that erupts inside me . The good thing is I can control it now more than ever. I try to censor my words and actions , for the most part it works. I am not screaming or hitting or breaking things. I can be logical for the most part . Inside I still feel like a little kid , powerless .
What ever this post is , I hope that God is hearing me when I say ," I can't fix this ! or me! or anything!!" HELP!!

Yeah

It's been a few days since I posted anything , so I figured it was time . I was off yesterday and I didn't accomplish much but that's ok I guess. I came home 2 days ago to a new puppy.
I really didn't want another dog right now ,but Johanna wanted it and it is half Great Dane (my all-time favorite breed) . So I guess we are keeping it . She named him Pinkerton(after the children's books ) not all that cool with the name either but hey , I can deal with it .
We didn't do much as I said , we did end the evening with some backyard splashing around in the pool . It was so hot , I can't believe how hot it was outside yesterday and from what I see this morning it is going to be another smoker today . Any way I have to work again today @ noon & I close again ( pretty much how it's going to be ) so I will have to leave them all behind for the rest of the night . I don't suppose it matters very much because no one here seems to like me much these days anyway . I hope I can get through tonight with relatively few problems .
I think I may need to take just a few days for me , disappear for a while , go fishing do something I want to do for a change . It gets pretty discouraging when no one approves of you . Not that I need it that much, but it is nice from time to time .
Peace

update

Well , I am back @ work today ,trying to figure out how I can be happy& support my family . I think I am just kind of burnt out on a lot of this restaurant stuff . I am thinking maybe I should have been like a ditch digger or something .
Any way , I had an awsome day off yesterday . We all went Blueberry picking & came back home for a few hours . Later we went over to my brothers house & swam for a couple of hours .
Nothing extraordinary happened , but it was a very relaxing night with my family & every one got along pretty well I think maybe that is the key , just to make the most of the time I don't have to work . But , great days off also make me wish I was at home when I am working . So who knows ? I am going to try to have the best attitude I can & see where that gets me
Peace

it's me

Ok , I give up .I want to apologize for the post I did have up here . I was feeling really sorry for myself and was pretty much just venting . The fact is, a lot of the time I feel pretty powerless an I an one heck of a placation artist not to mention a pretty decent enabler. So every once in a while when it looks as if things might fall apart I get kind of despondent.
Things could be worse than they are & I think Johanna is not going to leave me now . But one can never really be sure can they ?
I guess I have been hurt one too many times to believe that any one is all that devoted to me.
Today I went back to work after yet another day off. It wasn't a bad night . I wish I didn't work so many nights but it wasn't bad .
I also learned tonight that the guy who got my promotion at the job I recently left, got fired.
I am not happy that he got fired, I really like him and he is more qualified for the job than me .I am really pissed off though that they did this . First of all, I was told I had this job. Second , They told me they couldn't promise me that I would be able to get a raise in the semi near future. So I left , on good terms , but I did leave .
I plan on just dropping by to see what they are doing for a kitchen manager now , maybe they will come with some sort of offer for me . but then again , at this point I would need a really good offer to go back . I do miss it , that place was mine . I had my recipes on the menu and I had moved up from a cook to a supervisor to assistant KM . Any way I feel really bad that they fired the man . Even though I am kind of upset about the way they handled this whole thing , there is a tiny part inside me that wishes they would try to get me to go back . But for now , I am still a BBQ man .
Oh God , please forgive me for my selfish , self centered attitude and for not trusting you . You have provided so much , more than I need and all my family needs . I pray Lord you won't take them from me or let me be so pig headed that I lose them on my own.
Help me Lord , to focus on you , not like I have been (in my despair) but to just acknowledge you and to give you the credit that you deserve . Thank you for your unbelievable patience with me Lord .
Amen

Fantasy

Yesterday was a Pretty good day . We went to Key Vista park & just played around . The water was really high so the beach was pretty much under water . We did find some crabs & interesting rocks for little boys to investigate . There was also a peacock wandering around in the front of the park all day . I am pretty sure it must have come from a nearby home since peacocks are hardly indigenous to central Florida. It wasn't a bad day then we found out that a store near here had Key West shrimp for $2.99 lb so I went & got some & Johanna made her famous Spring Seafood Stew . It was (as always ) delicious & very filling . After that we went away to never never land & lived in peace & harmony for a thousand years. Oh yeah it was great .
Peace