Some thoughts for Sunday

Here it is Sunday,
I have been out of work for 2 weeks now and I am worried, But I'm not freaking out yet.
I will get unemployment, but it isn't enough and I am putting out plenty of resumes and filling out applications in 3 towns. I have an interview tomorrow at what I believe is an ALF and I just hope they don't need a clean background check. Apparently this is one of my main obstacles in finding work. Even for cooking jobs lately a lot of people want you to pass a background check, for low pay and a crappy job. It's like a bad dream to me. I have seen more than one dish washing job where they wanted a clean record.
What ever.
Johanna is also looking and filling out apps but so far we have nothing. Day labor really sucks too. I did it before (for one day) and I told myself ,"never again!" now I am considering it.
I do have this interview and a really good prospect with this steakhouse not far from here.
I may not be able to do a lot of things, but I can throw down in the kitchen. All I need is a chance to prove it and I am in, these days the chances are just a little more scarce.
The job I will go for tomorrow is for an assistant dining services director. I have never done that exactly, but I think my experience at the abbey and my management experience will give me a little leverage. I hope anyway. I am more hoping to get the steakhouse job. If it pays well that is.
I have been looking on Craig's List for jobs a lot and people are starting to upset me with what they are willing to pay for skilled labor. It's kind of sick. I actually got aggravated enough to send a guy an email about what he was expecting for $9 Per hour.
It was for like 25 hours a week too. I mean I think an owner or GM should at least be realistic.
In this business you definitely get what you pay for, sometimes you can get a deal; but not for that long.
Anyway I guess my situation is making me extra sensitive about what I perceive to be predatory hiring practices in such hard economic times.
because there are more people than jobs many are trying to take advantage of people who are in a tough spot.
makes me a little angry.
enough of that,
in other news;
we went to church today. It was cool, I guess. But being there today kind of solidifies my opinion about attending a weekly gathering.
I thought it was nice, but it bothered me that my youngest was off in another room so he didn't cause any problems. I also have a problem with the continually attractional tactics of institutions.
The sermon was really ok, about love being an action word and not being too internally focused as a church. I thought that was all pretty good the the pastor said something about sharing Christ's love with others so we could ge them to come to the church. That was where he lost me.
I mean really, is that the bottom line? Is the gathering place so important?
I don't think that should be our motive at all.
I don't see how learning to sit still for a service is such an important lesson.
I don't see how listening to someone speak for 30 minutes is going to change my life.
I also like things just a little more chaotic than the follow the program, shush, sit down, stand up, read this and do that model.
What is so strange to me is that I used to be that person that was dedicated to a place, a gathering, a pastor or a certain style of worship, so much so that I allienated people I really cared about.
Sometimes it seems like being a Christian is more about "Christianity" than it is about Christ.

Holidays

Today was a really incredible day.
I got up & went to church by myself. It wasn't that bad, but I find myself really distracted and distant today in church. I think that's not really normal for me , especially on Easter.
There are many issues in my life at this moment that keep my mind occupied most of the time and I am not really focusing well on anything. But, it is getting better.
I did my best to spend some time with people that I love today. I wish they could love each other. Sometimes it seems like they do, then at others it's like being caught in between warring factions.
My life is pretty chaotic, sort of fitting for Easter I guess. How Chaotic must it have been for the early believers on that day? I am sure they were happy at the prospect of Christ being raised from the dead, but at the same time I bet they were afraid to let their hearts guards down and just believe it .
I am at this place personally where I know that God has spoken something to me about the situation, but I am always looking with my eyes and trusting my feelings . I have been lead down that path before, I find myself fighting it and giving in to it only to realize I am giving in again then trying to stand with more resolve than before.
This is really hard for me and frankly,
it sucks!!
I am realizing more that a "church" may not be the place for my worship. I mean I know that.
My life has to be worship, today only strengthened that need for change in me. I want to do the easy thing, I want to just go to a church and get preached to and get filled , maybe prayed for and go back to my life of ease.
If it were only that easy.
As I drove from the service this morning , I found myself in this dialog with God about what just happened. So what now? I'm not an organizer or a really charismatic leader of men. How and where do I find fellowship with people I can interact with and relate to? It seems very far from here. I am in like church mecca (Central Florida) you can't throw a rock without hitting a church building here. The thing that makes this even more real to me is the fact that I don't see people changing because of all the religion in this town. It seems very much out of context and ineffective to keep doing the same thing. Even personally, where I was once feeling like a church addict and I was getting fresh revelations every week, now it is leaving me kind of flat,kind of empty . Like it is just going through the motions and trying to be correct.
Maybe being right doesn't matter that much , or maybe it only matters when it comes to your heart.
Mine is breaking, but I am hopeful.

I still believe Romans 8:28 is true and in context with all times in history and all places and all circumstances.
This is ALL for my good and for all of us.
Happy easter I hope it was a really wonderful day for you all,
Peace Be With You