SO, I am like all neurotic & stuff; or just scared.

I guess I am not a very good blogger..
I haven't posted in a while, mostly because of the stuff I am trying to sort out in my life.
Still things are kind of a mess and I feel like I am on the brink of total destruction.
I mean I found an add today, for a dishwasher( at a steakhouse) that was for $7.50 an hour and specified that you have NO CRIMINAL BACKGROUND.
Seriously folks, this is a crappy job. What the hell?
Are things really as bleak as this? Just because someone has made a few mistakes (or even one) they can't get a crappy dish washing job at a steakhouse?

I am really hopeful about the future of our country. But speaking as an ex-felon I really hope that all employers don't get this fearful and never hire anyone who has a conviction.
I mean let's just consider the natural consequences of this type of thinking.
If we all say that people who have committed a crime in the past are too risky or not worthy of employment, what will happen?
You take people who have crossed the line in the past and you stigmatize them to the point that they can't support themselves and what, don't we realize that eventually it will be too much for that person to bare?
Isn't that a form of discrimination? Sure, I can see when laws are in place that make it illegal for a violent convicted felon to do certain jobs. I can understand that. But if they can't get a job even doing dishes, what will they do? What is to keep them from turning to crime to try to survive?
I guess I take it personally when people shut me down before they even really talk to me. Hey I will be the first to admit that I made some mistakes, but I'm no threat to anyone and I have a family to support.
What if I lose my job, I am glad I haven't but I have evidence that points to the fact that at least one person wants me to lose my job, and I really don't know why.
I don't know what I have done wrong to this person and the way they are trying to get rid of me seems very underhanded.
Today I put in about 10 applications to various jobs. I have not one good lead on a new job or even a part time second job. Well, maybe one but that's about it and I don't know what it will pay yet.
I had been very fortunate, I worked hard and was promoted shortly out of prison and I was able to get a really good job, then leave that one and go right into another. I really thought that this was the best choice for me, this last job I took. I am home every night, it's a very peaceful environment and the pay isn't bad. Now it's all about politics (something I have never been good at). I hate games, this is my life not a game. I am so worried about getting laid off or fired for no good reason and not being able to find something else. I also worry about losing this place, My wife & kids love it here and I like it. We got out of the neighborhood that made my wife nervous because of the drug and gang activity, this is such a better place for the boys. If I lose the job, it's pretty likely I won't be able to stay here and that sucks. But I am trying really hard to trust that what is best will happen and if that means we have to leave then I will try to make the best of it. But I won't like it, and I will try really hard not to hate the people who are making it their personal business to sabotage my life and my families well being.
Because I feel like I have put much love into my work and I have grown into a relationship with several of the monks that I work for. I know that most of them are happy with the job I am doing. But what ever happens happens.
I hope you all have a great night.
Peace

I am really tired

I need this day off. I mean I really need it. People keep telling me that I look tired. I am.
Too bad I have to be in court for my second felonious son. I hope this is going to turn out ok. I hope it will but I doubt it. This is only an arraignment but I am a little worried because I don't know what to do. I just want my kids to all be successful (not in a ,"I'm all rich & stuff" way but in a ,"look I can totally take care of myself in a semi-responsible way" kind of way). I really hope that works out for all of them not just the second one. The thing is I can't see past my own fear right now about any of this. I have an older kid who has managed to completely ruin his young adult life in a few short years and I just keep seeing the same thing happening with the second son and frankly, it scares the crap out of me. Not to mention the issues we have had pretty much since I got custody of these boys.
I made lots of mistakes when the were young. Lots. Heck I was 18. I was also a high school drop out. I had no idea what I was doing, I just knew it was important. I mean not important enough to listen to my mother, but really important. Still it is very clear now that I had no idea what I was doing and I am sure that fact weighs heavily on the choices they have made.
But I have been better, I am much better than I was and I know they see that and still they are both angry with me. Angry enough to make really bad decisions while I beg them not to be stupid. It's really frustrating and I feel like I have no control at all.
So bring it. I will face it, again. I will look at my own humanity again and I will see how powerless I am, even before they show me. Again.
I wish I could save him, But I think he has to want to be saved.
I'm pretty sure that's how that works and the only thing that I know of that makes people want to change, is consequences of their actions that no one can save them from. When you experience enough pain you will change, I think. I hope. I hope he has a low tolerance for pain, but I doubt that too.
Peace..


p.s. If you feel like saying a prayer for me/son#2 or the rest of my family, feel free.