Yeah

I thought I was slow the last time between posts, I guess I beat that one this time.
My life is going ok I guess, I could complain but I'm not sure it would do any good.
The kids are all doing ok in school, Calvin is reading and sounding out almost everything he sees, hears or says.
It's really cool to watch kids grow up, even though I have a certain amount of anxiety about that.
That's mostly due to some bad choices by my oldest 2 kids. My 17 year old is in jail, again; I can't believe it.
But I love him and he didn't hurt anyone. So I hope he just doesn't end up going to prison or something. I can't believe how stupid people can be ( especially when they are my kids).
So once again, things could be better, but they are what they are and I will live and hopefully we will all learn to be productive members of society. Hmm, maybe I would settle for well adjusted and content.
I think that the 3 younger boys are pretty well adjusted, hard to say really what they will choose though. We try to do our best for our kids, I think sometimes that really pays off and sometimes they will go on to wreck every life that touches theirs with complete disregard for every one around them.
I was pretty selfish & stupid when I was young and I understand that it's harder than ever for kids to make the right choices. Things that were little mistakes for me can be huge setbacks for my kids, life changing even.
I wish I could change so much of my life, I have a load of regrets for the life that I have lived
I have caused a lot of pain for people who loved me, some of them still do (shocking I know) and my life is nothing like what I though t it should end up like.
But, there is still joy; there is still passion. There are still moments that I wouldn't trade for any thing, so I guess it was worth it, sort of.

Hope

This is going to be short because I am up too late once again. It seems like weeks since I have slept an appropriate amount. So many thoughts and my own emotions keeping me up at night. Not to mention the internet. Not that I have been productive in any way on the net. I just read a bunch of blogs go through a bunch of crap on ebay & craigslist that I don't need and don't buy .
I haven't posted in quite a while and the last one was kind of negative . I apologize for that. My Sister-in-law made me realize today that I am being a jerk. Yes my life is kind of screwed up, my son wants me to kill him and I feel at least 100 years old, but I am alive and I have people who love me and we had a London broil for dinner( with my wife's recent vegetarian-esqe diet that is a feat) .
I am struggling with my everyday life, but I am not giving up. My son is probably going to a house , normally for run-aways but for kind of a relax and regroup session. Actually it is a definite, he will go tomorrow. I am sad that this is what it takes , but our family counselor said that this is good and a sign there are still things here to work with. I hope he's right, because I feel like I am going to snap on my kid and that is not a good feeling. Maybe this time will be good for us all.