Due to comments I wanted to post something about Johanna.
So far so good, she seems pretty good but we haven't been back to the doctor since her surgery.
We should know more next Wed. because they are supposed to have results from the tissue they took during the procedure.
We definitely need any one who can to pray about her health because I need her & her children need her a lot. She does really seem pretty good, there is more of an emotional thing going on than any physical ailment.
We are also both looking for jobs right now because I was laid off from the college for the summer and I haven't found anything yet. I did apply for unemployment, but that will take weeks to kick in, if they give it to me. I am really new at the unemployment thing so it is pretty scary to me.
if things get bad enough I will get a job doing anything at all before I let us go completely broke.
Johanna did take a class for her CNA test prep. But her test isn't till the end of this month and she hasn't found anywhere that will hire her without having the certification already.
All of that said, kids are all doing well. They are a bunch of wieners and they know it.
There has been a lot of playing in the pool and WII competition in our house.
I am actually amazingly calm about life right now, even though I have never been out of work before, except for when I was in prison.
I also know that I will find something soon or she will and maybe we both will.
I don't believe that God has brought us this far to leave us or let us fail out here. But who am I? It seems like a great place for us to raise these kids, But we do have to be able to pull it off or it won't happen.
At least we still could move back to NPR if we needed to. But neither of us wants that.
Well, I need to make some calls and I have an application that I need to fill out.
I hope you all are doing well. I think we are going to be ok.
Peace
Friday, May 08, 2009
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Long time no see
Wow! I can't believe it's been a month since I last posted. But that's ok I have been pretty busy. My new job is going well & I am pretty happy here so far.
I am mostly writing this because I was talking with a family member on IM & I said that I was going to post this chicken video. Only, it's not chickens, it's eggs; being candled. So it is chickens, they just aren't finished yet. ok so here it is:
SO I hope those are entertaining. I was really amazed to see them moving around like that in the egg. We still have not successfully hatched any chickens, but we are getting closer & in the next few days we should get a few at least. We shall see.
if our incubation fails we do have one hen who is setting now and hopefully she will be a good mom. we may just take the chicks from the beginning anyway. or cage them all together.
Out here we have more problems with losing babies than we did in the neighborhood.
********************************************************************
On the job front, things are pretty good right now. I really like working at the university and I think they like having me there. We are getting lots of complements on the food and it seems like I will be able to stay here for a while ( as long as we can figure out what we are doing over the summer).
Not much farm action going on here except that we have a bunch of seedlings that will be ready to go in the ground soon. We also have a hive of bees but not a hive I set up, they just showed up. I try to keep the kids away from them(which isn't really hard, all you have to say is,"there's bees over there" and they pretty much avoid that area) but I love just going up and watching them. I have always been fascinated with bees and I really want to start keeping them. Right now it's just money holding me back, but I do already have some bees! I should post some pictures of them, they're really cool. At least I think they are, they are such amazing little animals.
I have been working every Sunday and we have pretty much stopped attending a church. The boys will go on Easter with grandma, and I guess that's cool. I think we sort of agree that "attending" a service is not the most important thing we can do. We pray together as a family and we teach our kids about God and we talk about Jesus, but we don't make them go to church every week because frankly, I for one think the effort involved in making it to a church meeting was not really worth the strain that it puts on us as a family. We all believe in God, We love Jesus, we just don't go to a "church" building all the time. I'm not saying it's the way to be or anything, but I think it's the right thing for us right now.
Any way, I hope you are all doing well.
I am mostly writing this because I was talking with a family member on IM & I said that I was going to post this chicken video. Only, it's not chickens, it's eggs; being candled. So it is chickens, they just aren't finished yet. ok so here it is:
SO I hope those are entertaining. I was really amazed to see them moving around like that in the egg. We still have not successfully hatched any chickens, but we are getting closer & in the next few days we should get a few at least. We shall see.
if our incubation fails we do have one hen who is setting now and hopefully she will be a good mom. we may just take the chicks from the beginning anyway. or cage them all together.
Out here we have more problems with losing babies than we did in the neighborhood.
********************************************************************
On the job front, things are pretty good right now. I really like working at the university and I think they like having me there. We are getting lots of complements on the food and it seems like I will be able to stay here for a while ( as long as we can figure out what we are doing over the summer).
Not much farm action going on here except that we have a bunch of seedlings that will be ready to go in the ground soon. We also have a hive of bees but not a hive I set up, they just showed up. I try to keep the kids away from them(which isn't really hard, all you have to say is,"there's bees over there" and they pretty much avoid that area) but I love just going up and watching them. I have always been fascinated with bees and I really want to start keeping them. Right now it's just money holding me back, but I do already have some bees! I should post some pictures of them, they're really cool. At least I think they are, they are such amazing little animals.
I have been working every Sunday and we have pretty much stopped attending a church. The boys will go on Easter with grandma, and I guess that's cool. I think we sort of agree that "attending" a service is not the most important thing we can do. We pray together as a family and we teach our kids about God and we talk about Jesus, but we don't make them go to church every week because frankly, I for one think the effort involved in making it to a church meeting was not really worth the strain that it puts on us as a family. We all believe in God, We love Jesus, we just don't go to a "church" building all the time. I'm not saying it's the way to be or anything, but I think it's the right thing for us right now.
Any way, I hope you are all doing well.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Jobs and other enigmas
I haven't had a lot to say lately, so I haven't been posting.
I don't want to get into a negative state of mind so I am just going along, doing the best that I can.
I have changed jobs, I really like the new gig and I think there is some growth potential there. But, I work for a college. We get laid off in the summer and I'm not sure what to do about that. Times have been tough here until recently but we are pretty much caught up with all of our bills and we are considering getting a pony. Mike and AJ have started taking riding lessons and it seems like it would be a really great thing to do. I'm not completely sure, but I know where I can get a really great pony, for pretty cheap and it's close by. Besides, we are living on 5 acres now and that is enough room to have at least one horse, maybe even a few that are the size of this one.
I am worried though, Johanna is planning on taking a CNA course and I am quite sure she can get through that with no problem. But it's the actual working that I am concerned with. I hope she will be able to get a job that can fill the gaps. I think this new job could really pay off for me in the future, but I don't know if we will be able to pull of the summer thing unless Johanna can land a pretty good job in the time that I am off.
I don't take time off, I am not used to just working 40 hours anymore either. I am so tempted to try and get back into a management job, but that will ruin my family life and Johanna will be extrememly frustrated because it's like you are married to the job and you have to always be there.
There is the chance I could get into school during my time off too. It would be great to learn something else that can make me money over the summer.
It all seems like a pipe dream to me right now. I was talking to a guy that is opening a place that I used to work (that I really loved) and I could maybe try and work something out with him, but I have a few people telling me what a bad idea it is to even consider working at this place.
I just wish something was simple in my life, nothing ever is.
Other than that I am doing great.
I don't want to get into a negative state of mind so I am just going along, doing the best that I can.
I have changed jobs, I really like the new gig and I think there is some growth potential there. But, I work for a college. We get laid off in the summer and I'm not sure what to do about that. Times have been tough here until recently but we are pretty much caught up with all of our bills and we are considering getting a pony. Mike and AJ have started taking riding lessons and it seems like it would be a really great thing to do. I'm not completely sure, but I know where I can get a really great pony, for pretty cheap and it's close by. Besides, we are living on 5 acres now and that is enough room to have at least one horse, maybe even a few that are the size of this one.
I am worried though, Johanna is planning on taking a CNA course and I am quite sure she can get through that with no problem. But it's the actual working that I am concerned with. I hope she will be able to get a job that can fill the gaps. I think this new job could really pay off for me in the future, but I don't know if we will be able to pull of the summer thing unless Johanna can land a pretty good job in the time that I am off.
I don't take time off, I am not used to just working 40 hours anymore either. I am so tempted to try and get back into a management job, but that will ruin my family life and Johanna will be extrememly frustrated because it's like you are married to the job and you have to always be there.
There is the chance I could get into school during my time off too. It would be great to learn something else that can make me money over the summer.
It all seems like a pipe dream to me right now. I was talking to a guy that is opening a place that I used to work (that I really loved) and I could maybe try and work something out with him, but I have a few people telling me what a bad idea it is to even consider working at this place.
I just wish something was simple in my life, nothing ever is.
Other than that I am doing great.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Employment issues, one more time
Well,
it has been a while again since I posted, sorry if I let anyone down but I doubt that I really have.
I have had a pretty interesting time since my last post. I have confirmed that the person who was sabotaging my job ( or trying to) is pretty confident that I can be easily replaced, and in a way I hope I can. Because even though I have been told that I have nothing to worry about as far as my job is concerned, I am leaving .
I have put in at least a dozen applications and emailed probably a hundred resumes, with no response. Then, a job that I didn't apply for came to me.
I was worried about taking it & had to think & pray for a couple of days. I also had two conversations with key people in this situation that made up my mind for me.
So I am changing jobs again and I am a little afraid of what could happen.
I still wish there was a way that I could relax and stay at the abbey. I love it there and most of the monks do like me and they think I do a good job. But the fact is they put out an add for my job. I only found it because I was looking for a second job & it was a pretty anonymous add. I looked up the address to find out if it was a company or what it was and it turned out that it was my new boss. They had put an add out for my job after talking with me and I felt the conversation went very well and I could possibly work with this person.
Now I feel like I just can't risk this situation with 3 small kids at home while I am the only steady income.
It is amazing the way this job just surfaced though. I was thinking of going to the university to apply, but I hadn't yet and I'm not sure I would have. Then they came and offered me a job, while I was at work. Yeah that was pretty cool.
So I gave my notice last Wednesday, and I will work my first shift at the university next Sunday. I am pretty excited about the new environment and I feel like it will be far less likely that I will be randomly fired because some one thinks I have disrespected them.
Honestly, this is feeling a lot like a test of my faith and I don't mind admitting that , I FREAKIN HATE IT!!!!!!!!
But, as a very wise woman told me tonight,"I don't believe that God brought us this far just to bring us to ruin".
So I am try9ing to remember that He has been there, when there was no hope; He was there. When I was far from home and alone in prison with not even a letter from home for comfort, He was there teaching me, molding me and making me go through things that would help me after they were over even though they really sucked when I was going through them.
You know that the most important thing I learned was?
He loves me. Even when I am afraid, even when I doubt, even when I have the wrong answers or the wrong responses, when I am completely self centered and being as un-Christlike as I can possibly be, He loves me still.
Peace
it has been a while again since I posted, sorry if I let anyone down but I doubt that I really have.
I have had a pretty interesting time since my last post. I have confirmed that the person who was sabotaging my job ( or trying to) is pretty confident that I can be easily replaced, and in a way I hope I can. Because even though I have been told that I have nothing to worry about as far as my job is concerned, I am leaving .
I have put in at least a dozen applications and emailed probably a hundred resumes, with no response. Then, a job that I didn't apply for came to me.
I was worried about taking it & had to think & pray for a couple of days. I also had two conversations with key people in this situation that made up my mind for me.
So I am changing jobs again and I am a little afraid of what could happen.
I still wish there was a way that I could relax and stay at the abbey. I love it there and most of the monks do like me and they think I do a good job. But the fact is they put out an add for my job. I only found it because I was looking for a second job & it was a pretty anonymous add. I looked up the address to find out if it was a company or what it was and it turned out that it was my new boss. They had put an add out for my job after talking with me and I felt the conversation went very well and I could possibly work with this person.
Now I feel like I just can't risk this situation with 3 small kids at home while I am the only steady income.
It is amazing the way this job just surfaced though. I was thinking of going to the university to apply, but I hadn't yet and I'm not sure I would have. Then they came and offered me a job, while I was at work. Yeah that was pretty cool.
So I gave my notice last Wednesday, and I will work my first shift at the university next Sunday. I am pretty excited about the new environment and I feel like it will be far less likely that I will be randomly fired because some one thinks I have disrespected them.
Honestly, this is feeling a lot like a test of my faith and I don't mind admitting that , I FREAKIN HATE IT!!!!!!!!
But, as a very wise woman told me tonight,"I don't believe that God brought us this far just to bring us to ruin".
So I am try9ing to remember that He has been there, when there was no hope; He was there. When I was far from home and alone in prison with not even a letter from home for comfort, He was there teaching me, molding me and making me go through things that would help me after they were over even though they really sucked when I was going through them.
You know that the most important thing I learned was?
He loves me. Even when I am afraid, even when I doubt, even when I have the wrong answers or the wrong responses, when I am completely self centered and being as un-Christlike as I can possibly be, He loves me still.
Peace
Thursday, January 22, 2009
SO, I am like all neurotic & stuff; or just scared.
I guess I am not a very good blogger..
I haven't posted in a while, mostly because of the stuff I am trying to sort out in my life.
Still things are kind of a mess and I feel like I am on the brink of total destruction.
I mean I found an add today, for a dishwasher( at a steakhouse) that was for $7.50 an hour and specified that you have NO CRIMINAL BACKGROUND.
Seriously folks, this is a crappy job. What the hell?
Are things really as bleak as this? Just because someone has made a few mistakes (or even one) they can't get a crappy dish washing job at a steakhouse?
I am really hopeful about the future of our country. But speaking as an ex-felon I really hope that all employers don't get this fearful and never hire anyone who has a conviction.
I mean let's just consider the natural consequences of this type of thinking.
If we all say that people who have committed a crime in the past are too risky or not worthy of employment, what will happen?
You take people who have crossed the line in the past and you stigmatize them to the point that they can't support themselves and what, don't we realize that eventually it will be too much for that person to bare?
Isn't that a form of discrimination? Sure, I can see when laws are in place that make it illegal for a violent convicted felon to do certain jobs. I can understand that. But if they can't get a job even doing dishes, what will they do? What is to keep them from turning to crime to try to survive?
I guess I take it personally when people shut me down before they even really talk to me. Hey I will be the first to admit that I made some mistakes, but I'm no threat to anyone and I have a family to support.
What if I lose my job, I am glad I haven't but I have evidence that points to the fact that at least one person wants me to lose my job, and I really don't know why.
I don't know what I have done wrong to this person and the way they are trying to get rid of me seems very underhanded.
Today I put in about 10 applications to various jobs. I have not one good lead on a new job or even a part time second job. Well, maybe one but that's about it and I don't know what it will pay yet.
I had been very fortunate, I worked hard and was promoted shortly out of prison and I was able to get a really good job, then leave that one and go right into another. I really thought that this was the best choice for me, this last job I took. I am home every night, it's a very peaceful environment and the pay isn't bad. Now it's all about politics (something I have never been good at). I hate games, this is my life not a game. I am so worried about getting laid off or fired for no good reason and not being able to find something else. I also worry about losing this place, My wife & kids love it here and I like it. We got out of the neighborhood that made my wife nervous because of the drug and gang activity, this is such a better place for the boys. If I lose the job, it's pretty likely I won't be able to stay here and that sucks. But I am trying really hard to trust that what is best will happen and if that means we have to leave then I will try to make the best of it. But I won't like it, and I will try really hard not to hate the people who are making it their personal business to sabotage my life and my families well being.
Because I feel like I have put much love into my work and I have grown into a relationship with several of the monks that I work for. I know that most of them are happy with the job I am doing. But what ever happens happens.
I hope you all have a great night.
Peace
I haven't posted in a while, mostly because of the stuff I am trying to sort out in my life.
Still things are kind of a mess and I feel like I am on the brink of total destruction.
I mean I found an add today, for a dishwasher( at a steakhouse) that was for $7.50 an hour and specified that you have NO CRIMINAL BACKGROUND.
Seriously folks, this is a crappy job. What the hell?
Are things really as bleak as this? Just because someone has made a few mistakes (or even one) they can't get a crappy dish washing job at a steakhouse?
I am really hopeful about the future of our country. But speaking as an ex-felon I really hope that all employers don't get this fearful and never hire anyone who has a conviction.
I mean let's just consider the natural consequences of this type of thinking.
If we all say that people who have committed a crime in the past are too risky or not worthy of employment, what will happen?
You take people who have crossed the line in the past and you stigmatize them to the point that they can't support themselves and what, don't we realize that eventually it will be too much for that person to bare?
Isn't that a form of discrimination? Sure, I can see when laws are in place that make it illegal for a violent convicted felon to do certain jobs. I can understand that. But if they can't get a job even doing dishes, what will they do? What is to keep them from turning to crime to try to survive?
I guess I take it personally when people shut me down before they even really talk to me. Hey I will be the first to admit that I made some mistakes, but I'm no threat to anyone and I have a family to support.
What if I lose my job, I am glad I haven't but I have evidence that points to the fact that at least one person wants me to lose my job, and I really don't know why.
I don't know what I have done wrong to this person and the way they are trying to get rid of me seems very underhanded.
Today I put in about 10 applications to various jobs. I have not one good lead on a new job or even a part time second job. Well, maybe one but that's about it and I don't know what it will pay yet.
I had been very fortunate, I worked hard and was promoted shortly out of prison and I was able to get a really good job, then leave that one and go right into another. I really thought that this was the best choice for me, this last job I took. I am home every night, it's a very peaceful environment and the pay isn't bad. Now it's all about politics (something I have never been good at). I hate games, this is my life not a game. I am so worried about getting laid off or fired for no good reason and not being able to find something else. I also worry about losing this place, My wife & kids love it here and I like it. We got out of the neighborhood that made my wife nervous because of the drug and gang activity, this is such a better place for the boys. If I lose the job, it's pretty likely I won't be able to stay here and that sucks. But I am trying really hard to trust that what is best will happen and if that means we have to leave then I will try to make the best of it. But I won't like it, and I will try really hard not to hate the people who are making it their personal business to sabotage my life and my families well being.
Because I feel like I have put much love into my work and I have grown into a relationship with several of the monks that I work for. I know that most of them are happy with the job I am doing. But what ever happens happens.
I hope you all have a great night.
Peace
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Employment issues
So,
I know I haven't posted anything in a while.. Mostly, because; I AM SPENDING EVERY FREE SECOND OF MY LIFE TRYING TO FIND A SECOND PART TIME JOB OR A BETTER PAYING FULL TIME JOB.
So, maybe that was a bit uncalled for, sorry for that.
But, it's true.
I have sent out more resumes in the past few days than collectively in my entire life.
of course I didn't used to send out anything, I just went to the place that looked like I might be able to get a job and viola I got a job. Things have changed. Now, everyone wants you to apply online, and send a resume, and submit to a background check. Oh I also forgot the part about not wanting to pay crap.
Well, slight exaggeration on my part; they actually do want to pay crap(sorry about that too)
I should feel very blessed to still have a job, actually I do. I just really was hoping that I would be doing a little better than I am now and things are really tight. We do have this great house and live out in the country now (adding another challenge to my "part time " job hunt)
And our lifestyle changes have been pretty wonderful (except for the fact that I can't get high speed internet in any form other than satellite) and I am really grateful for the way things have worked out so far. Even my somewhat estranged son is doing pretty well living apart from us for now. I am happy about that and sad that he couldn't do better living here, or at the other house. But he is doing better and may be out of trouble soon and (Hopefully) on his way to being a productive , well adjusted member of society.
But I am still stressed over money and the fact that it has recently come to my attention that my job could disappear without much warning.. Or at least that is how it feels, maybe this is about trusting God..
I still feel the need to look for other options while trying really hard not to worry and trust that we will be ok and God has not brought us this far to abandon us.
But many people have lost jobs and homes and money.
The whole world is worried about what will happen next. So what should I do?
I wish I had some deep spiritual truth to talk about but what is on my mind is money & the lack there of. We are fed, we have enough and I guess I should be really thankful for that..
I hope you are all doing well and not worried in the least about your job security or money.
Peace
I know I haven't posted anything in a while.. Mostly, because; I AM SPENDING EVERY FREE SECOND OF MY LIFE TRYING TO FIND A SECOND PART TIME JOB OR A BETTER PAYING FULL TIME JOB.
So, maybe that was a bit uncalled for, sorry for that.
But, it's true.
I have sent out more resumes in the past few days than collectively in my entire life.
of course I didn't used to send out anything, I just went to the place that looked like I might be able to get a job and viola I got a job. Things have changed. Now, everyone wants you to apply online, and send a resume, and submit to a background check. Oh I also forgot the part about not wanting to pay crap.
Well, slight exaggeration on my part; they actually do want to pay crap(sorry about that too)
I should feel very blessed to still have a job, actually I do. I just really was hoping that I would be doing a little better than I am now and things are really tight. We do have this great house and live out in the country now (adding another challenge to my "part time " job hunt)
And our lifestyle changes have been pretty wonderful (except for the fact that I can't get high speed internet in any form other than satellite) and I am really grateful for the way things have worked out so far. Even my somewhat estranged son is doing pretty well living apart from us for now. I am happy about that and sad that he couldn't do better living here, or at the other house. But he is doing better and may be out of trouble soon and (Hopefully) on his way to being a productive , well adjusted member of society.
But I am still stressed over money and the fact that it has recently come to my attention that my job could disappear without much warning.. Or at least that is how it feels, maybe this is about trusting God..
I still feel the need to look for other options while trying really hard not to worry and trust that we will be ok and God has not brought us this far to abandon us.
But many people have lost jobs and homes and money.
The whole world is worried about what will happen next. So what should I do?
I wish I had some deep spiritual truth to talk about but what is on my mind is money & the lack there of. We are fed, we have enough and I guess I should be really thankful for that..
I hope you are all doing well and not worried in the least about your job security or money.
Peace
Saturday, December 20, 2008
My abusive life
Molly at Adventures in Mercy
wrote a really great post about abuse called: Letters to an Abused Soul: When Love is “No”.
I felt kind of inspired by what she wrote here and even though I know many people have dealt with much worse than I have, I have been in abusive relationships almost my entire life.
She talked in her post about how sometimes stopping the destructive behavior can be the most loving thing for all parties involved. She also made great points about how abusive people are not pure evil, how true repentance can make that person safe to be around again and how rarely that happens.
I was the one who turned into an abuser because of my helplessness to fix my situation and in an attempt to change the people in my life.
Abuse didn't work, not for me anyway and it finally led to me almost completely ruining my whole life and losing everyone I cared about.
I did ( after some very extreme consequences and a prison sentence) learn that stopping my abuser from hurting me was the most loving thing for me to do for everyone involved.
I remember when after many visits from my then estranged wife I finally wasn't angry at her for the things she said. I had been praying about it because I had visitation many times while I was in prison and I almost always got very angry with her and she ruined every visit with my kids up until that day. I was just asking for God to help me with my emotions and to help me be strong for my sons. That day I saw her, not as a manipulating emotional abuser; but as a fellow human being with weakness and fears and I actually felt sorry for her. From that day forward the whole dynamic of our relationship changed. There was no healing for the marriage(it was irreparably broken) but for me as a broken twisted child and I think in some sense for her too. After years of giving up my power, I suddenly had control over myself back ( or for the first time) just because I chose not to get angry with her.
I wish I had that chance with my dad.
I don't think I will ever be what some people call normal, but I am better than I was and I hope that my children never have to go through the self inflicted hell that I went through. I actually thought that was normal, it can still be hard to tell when some one is trying to manipulate me, but I do know what it's like to have someone in my life that cares about me and isn't abusive or manipulative.
It's almost like having a new life, one that is a lot more bearable.
Yeah I bought into the prosperity gospel stuff and I was so sure that God would heal my old life.
But you know, maybe my old life was never what God intended. Maybe, fixing my old marriage wasn't God's will. Maybe we all need to let people in these types of situations have just a little more grace and just love them instead of looking at them with advice about waiting for God to change the other person.
One thing I have learned about those kinds of prayers is, God rarely changed the other person because of our prayers; but He does change us if we let Him.
Peace
wrote a really great post about abuse called: Letters to an Abused Soul: When Love is “No”.
I felt kind of inspired by what she wrote here and even though I know many people have dealt with much worse than I have, I have been in abusive relationships almost my entire life.
She talked in her post about how sometimes stopping the destructive behavior can be the most loving thing for all parties involved. She also made great points about how abusive people are not pure evil, how true repentance can make that person safe to be around again and how rarely that happens.
I was the one who turned into an abuser because of my helplessness to fix my situation and in an attempt to change the people in my life.
Abuse didn't work, not for me anyway and it finally led to me almost completely ruining my whole life and losing everyone I cared about.
I did ( after some very extreme consequences and a prison sentence) learn that stopping my abuser from hurting me was the most loving thing for me to do for everyone involved.
I remember when after many visits from my then estranged wife I finally wasn't angry at her for the things she said. I had been praying about it because I had visitation many times while I was in prison and I almost always got very angry with her and she ruined every visit with my kids up until that day. I was just asking for God to help me with my emotions and to help me be strong for my sons. That day I saw her, not as a manipulating emotional abuser; but as a fellow human being with weakness and fears and I actually felt sorry for her. From that day forward the whole dynamic of our relationship changed. There was no healing for the marriage(it was irreparably broken) but for me as a broken twisted child and I think in some sense for her too. After years of giving up my power, I suddenly had control over myself back ( or for the first time) just because I chose not to get angry with her.
I wish I had that chance with my dad.
I don't think I will ever be what some people call normal, but I am better than I was and I hope that my children never have to go through the self inflicted hell that I went through. I actually thought that was normal, it can still be hard to tell when some one is trying to manipulate me, but I do know what it's like to have someone in my life that cares about me and isn't abusive or manipulative.
It's almost like having a new life, one that is a lot more bearable.
Yeah I bought into the prosperity gospel stuff and I was so sure that God would heal my old life.
But you know, maybe my old life was never what God intended. Maybe, fixing my old marriage wasn't God's will. Maybe we all need to let people in these types of situations have just a little more grace and just love them instead of looking at them with advice about waiting for God to change the other person.
One thing I have learned about those kinds of prayers is, God rarely changed the other person because of our prayers; but He does change us if we let Him.
Peace
Crap
Maybe it's just Christmas blues, but I feel like crap.
I am trying not to let it get to me, so far I'm not doing so well.
This is going to be a pretty good Christmas I hope . I have plenty of family to spend it with and I am really happy about that.
But this is probably the all time poorest I have ever been (financially speaking) at Christmas ever.
I know I am missing the point of Christmas, I know. What I mean is, I'm not missing the point as much as it is blurred by my feelings of inadequacy.
I am sure my family will love me even though I can't give them much for Christmas, I also can't really afford to help anyone else out, and that makes me feel bad.
I know this is just a passing phase, I have been here before and I made it out. I'm pretty confident I will make it out again.
No matter how broke I am, at least I am not in prison for Christmas. Not much has been worse than that for me.
Anyway, I hope it is a really great Holiday for all of us and we all feel loved and needed.
Peace
I am trying not to let it get to me, so far I'm not doing so well.
This is going to be a pretty good Christmas I hope . I have plenty of family to spend it with and I am really happy about that.
But this is probably the all time poorest I have ever been (financially speaking) at Christmas ever.
I know I am missing the point of Christmas, I know. What I mean is, I'm not missing the point as much as it is blurred by my feelings of inadequacy.
I am sure my family will love me even though I can't give them much for Christmas, I also can't really afford to help anyone else out, and that makes me feel bad.
I know this is just a passing phase, I have been here before and I made it out. I'm pretty confident I will make it out again.
No matter how broke I am, at least I am not in prison for Christmas. Not much has been worse than that for me.
Anyway, I hope it is a really great Holiday for all of us and we all feel loved and needed.
Peace
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Monkees
Monkees,
We made monkees tonight(well mostly Johanna
& the boys)And they came out pretty good I
think.
Actually they are just cookies, but the kids
wanted to make Christmas cookies for the monks
that I work for and that is how they got the
name Monkees.
(Hey I thought it was pretty cute)
Life is so good here.Not to say that all in
my life is fixed but things are pretty good. I
really love living out here, even though I
don't get enough daylight hours to get a lot
done here right now.
We haven't gone to a church since we moved
though and that bothers me a little, but not
that much. This week I would have gone to our
old church but I had to work because we had an
extra 112 people to feed over the weekend and
I couldn't just let that go on without me
there.
I am exhausted and a little cranky.
I am slightly frustrated with work. It just
seems that I get stressed and everything seems
bad to me. Things aren't as bad as they seem.
I do love working at the abbey and I really
love living here, but I feel like I am being
somewhat taken advantage of.But Things could
be worse, many people have lost jobs and I
quit my last one before this, because I felt
like I was being targeted as the next to be
let go as soon as they found someone to fill
my position.
This job was offered just at the right time
and I was so happy and scared at the same time
to make this change. It has been tough but not
all that bad and we aren't homeless yet :D
We also have this great place and wonderful
kids and too many cats(including one that was
here when we got here) unruly chickens and
even though things are hard at times, this
place and this lifestyle are worth trying to
keep. The kids and Johanna deserve it and we
think we can turn this into a really great
life. I hope so and I hope that every one of
my children (biological and otherwise) will
KNOW that I love them and will remember me
with warm fond thoughts.
I guess I should get some sleep now, Hope
you all have a great night.
Peace
We made monkees tonight(well mostly Johanna
& the boys)And they came out pretty good I
think.
Actually they are just cookies, but the kids
wanted to make Christmas cookies for the monks
that I work for and that is how they got the
name Monkees.
(Hey I thought it was pretty cute)
Life is so good here.Not to say that all in
my life is fixed but things are pretty good. I
really love living out here, even though I
don't get enough daylight hours to get a lot
done here right now.
We haven't gone to a church since we moved
though and that bothers me a little, but not
that much. This week I would have gone to our
old church but I had to work because we had an
extra 112 people to feed over the weekend and
I couldn't just let that go on without me
there.
I am exhausted and a little cranky.
I am slightly frustrated with work. It just
seems that I get stressed and everything seems
bad to me. Things aren't as bad as they seem.
I do love working at the abbey and I really
love living here, but I feel like I am being
somewhat taken advantage of.But Things could
be worse, many people have lost jobs and I
quit my last one before this, because I felt
like I was being targeted as the next to be
let go as soon as they found someone to fill
my position.
This job was offered just at the right time
and I was so happy and scared at the same time
to make this change. It has been tough but not
all that bad and we aren't homeless yet :D
We also have this great place and wonderful
kids and too many cats(including one that was
here when we got here) unruly chickens and
even though things are hard at times, this
place and this lifestyle are worth trying to
keep. The kids and Johanna deserve it and we
think we can turn this into a really great
life. I hope so and I hope that every one of
my children (biological and otherwise) will
KNOW that I love them and will remember me
with warm fond thoughts.
I guess I should get some sleep now, Hope
you all have a great night.
Peace
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Update
It’s been a couple of pretty uneventful days (except for a small problem at work that I think is resolved for now) . We are closer to being at home in the farmhouse and we have many plans that will take time to realize, but I can see things slowly coming together.
One thing that has happened is I am having lots of computer problems. I am thankful that my laptop is still working ok (as of today) but my desktop that has most of my stuff on it has fried 2 power supplies and I am hoping that it can be fixed fairly inexpensively. I also had this old beast of a P3 that was running fine before the move but I haven’t been able to get it to boot up tonight & I just gave up on it a few minutes ago. I think I may have messed up the PS on it as well, but I am sure I can scab an old one to work in it pretty easily.
After all, this is one of 2 that I had from like 1999 when I got my first computer.
So I am not as aggravated with this one not working as my newer one that was pretty much the house computer until it died.
I have invested way too much in this machine already but I have a pretty new 320 gig HDD and a 160 gig HDD that have pretty much all of my photos and music on them and it seems that now almost everything is going to SATA instead of IDE and of course my 2 drives are the latter. Frustrating. Combine that with not much money and Christmas is coming WAY TOO SOON! Adds up to I may have an aneurism at any moment. (ok I am kidding about that, I mean I couldn’t really just cause myself one could I?)
Things are good though. We are working out how to handle this move and finances and it seems like we will be able to pull this off.
All in all life is good.
Peace
One thing that has happened is I am having lots of computer problems. I am thankful that my laptop is still working ok (as of today) but my desktop that has most of my stuff on it has fried 2 power supplies and I am hoping that it can be fixed fairly inexpensively. I also had this old beast of a P3 that was running fine before the move but I haven’t been able to get it to boot up tonight & I just gave up on it a few minutes ago. I think I may have messed up the PS on it as well, but I am sure I can scab an old one to work in it pretty easily.
After all, this is one of 2 that I had from like 1999 when I got my first computer.
So I am not as aggravated with this one not working as my newer one that was pretty much the house computer until it died.
I have invested way too much in this machine already but I have a pretty new 320 gig HDD and a 160 gig HDD that have pretty much all of my photos and music on them and it seems that now almost everything is going to SATA instead of IDE and of course my 2 drives are the latter. Frustrating. Combine that with not much money and Christmas is coming WAY TOO SOON! Adds up to I may have an aneurism at any moment. (ok I am kidding about that, I mean I couldn’t really just cause myself one could I?)
Things are good though. We are working out how to handle this move and finances and it seems like we will be able to pull this off.
All in all life is good.
Peace
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thanks Giving
Our Thanks Giving day was pretty cool.
Johanna made a 22 lb turkey and I think we have almost half of it left.
My family all came out here to the new place ( the farm house) and we rode 4 wheelers and ate and drank coffee and the kids played and fought and in the end it was a great night and day.
I got to spend more daylight hours here than I have in a week and we got to explore a little more. We discovered a fire pit that we plan to utilize tomorrow night and we found that some Bees have taken up residence in the old shack that is down in front of the main house(this is sort of exciting to me since I am very interested in bees in general and I would like to start a couple of hives myself).
I think that in spite of all of the pressure and worry that consumes my thoughts lately, I have many things to be thankful for.
We have this new place and we can have as many animals as we like here, not to mention that everyone has their own bedroom and plenty of space to get away from each other if we need to.
I also am thankful that my second son(the recently troubled one) has a better attitude and seems to be doing better in general.
My oldest son is safe, for now.
All of the other kids are getting over colds, but they all seem to be doing ok including liking the new schools.
My wife is living in the same house as me for the first time in months.
She is also blissfully happy to be living here in the middle of nowhere with all of these cows around us ever day.
I have a pretty good job that doesn't pay enough but it is a job and unlike so many Americans I have not been out of work at all.
My brothers and sister are doing well and their kids all seem to be fine too.
I will not be rich ( at least in the next few years and probably never) But my family has what they need and we love each other.
I am really thankful that my life is what it is right now. I will do my best to enjoy this place and the ones I love.
I will try to remember why it is I work as hard as I do and treasure the people in my life, because that is what I am most thankful for.
As I look around me, I realize that God really does love me, it's so evident because I don't deserve this and yet here I am hopefully realizing a dream and staying here for years to come.
If not I will be ok, but I am very thankful today
Johanna made a 22 lb turkey and I think we have almost half of it left.
My family all came out here to the new place ( the farm house) and we rode 4 wheelers and ate and drank coffee and the kids played and fought and in the end it was a great night and day.
I got to spend more daylight hours here than I have in a week and we got to explore a little more. We discovered a fire pit that we plan to utilize tomorrow night and we found that some Bees have taken up residence in the old shack that is down in front of the main house(this is sort of exciting to me since I am very interested in bees in general and I would like to start a couple of hives myself).
I think that in spite of all of the pressure and worry that consumes my thoughts lately, I have many things to be thankful for.
We have this new place and we can have as many animals as we like here, not to mention that everyone has their own bedroom and plenty of space to get away from each other if we need to.
I also am thankful that my second son(the recently troubled one) has a better attitude and seems to be doing better in general.
My oldest son is safe, for now.
All of the other kids are getting over colds, but they all seem to be doing ok including liking the new schools.
My wife is living in the same house as me for the first time in months.
She is also blissfully happy to be living here in the middle of nowhere with all of these cows around us ever day.
I have a pretty good job that doesn't pay enough but it is a job and unlike so many Americans I have not been out of work at all.
My brothers and sister are doing well and their kids all seem to be fine too.
I will not be rich ( at least in the next few years and probably never) But my family has what they need and we love each other.
I am really thankful that my life is what it is right now. I will do my best to enjoy this place and the ones I love.
I will try to remember why it is I work as hard as I do and treasure the people in my life, because that is what I am most thankful for.
As I look around me, I realize that God really does love me, it's so evident because I don't deserve this and yet here I am hopefully realizing a dream and staying here for years to come.
If not I will be ok, but I am very thankful today
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I am really tired
I need this day off. I mean I really need it. People keep telling me that I look tired. I am.
Too bad I have to be in court for my second felonious son. I hope this is going to turn out ok. I hope it will but I doubt it. This is only an arraignment but I am a little worried because I don't know what to do. I just want my kids to all be successful (not in a ,"I'm all rich & stuff" way but in a ,"look I can totally take care of myself in a semi-responsible way" kind of way). I really hope that works out for all of them not just the second one. The thing is I can't see past my own fear right now about any of this. I have an older kid who has managed to completely ruin his young adult life in a few short years and I just keep seeing the same thing happening with the second son and frankly, it scares the crap out of me. Not to mention the issues we have had pretty much since I got custody of these boys.
I made lots of mistakes when the were young. Lots. Heck I was 18. I was also a high school drop out. I had no idea what I was doing, I just knew it was important. I mean not important enough to listen to my mother, but really important. Still it is very clear now that I had no idea what I was doing and I am sure that fact weighs heavily on the choices they have made.
But I have been better, I am much better than I was and I know they see that and still they are both angry with me. Angry enough to make really bad decisions while I beg them not to be stupid. It's really frustrating and I feel like I have no control at all.
So bring it. I will face it, again. I will look at my own humanity again and I will see how powerless I am, even before they show me. Again.
I wish I could save him, But I think he has to want to be saved.
I'm pretty sure that's how that works and the only thing that I know of that makes people want to change, is consequences of their actions that no one can save them from. When you experience enough pain you will change, I think. I hope. I hope he has a low tolerance for pain, but I doubt that too.
Peace..
p.s. If you feel like saying a prayer for me/son#2 or the rest of my family, feel free.
Too bad I have to be in court for my second felonious son. I hope this is going to turn out ok. I hope it will but I doubt it. This is only an arraignment but I am a little worried because I don't know what to do. I just want my kids to all be successful (not in a ,"I'm all rich & stuff" way but in a ,"look I can totally take care of myself in a semi-responsible way" kind of way). I really hope that works out for all of them not just the second one. The thing is I can't see past my own fear right now about any of this. I have an older kid who has managed to completely ruin his young adult life in a few short years and I just keep seeing the same thing happening with the second son and frankly, it scares the crap out of me. Not to mention the issues we have had pretty much since I got custody of these boys.
I made lots of mistakes when the were young. Lots. Heck I was 18. I was also a high school drop out. I had no idea what I was doing, I just knew it was important. I mean not important enough to listen to my mother, but really important. Still it is very clear now that I had no idea what I was doing and I am sure that fact weighs heavily on the choices they have made.
But I have been better, I am much better than I was and I know they see that and still they are both angry with me. Angry enough to make really bad decisions while I beg them not to be stupid. It's really frustrating and I feel like I have no control at all.
So bring it. I will face it, again. I will look at my own humanity again and I will see how powerless I am, even before they show me. Again.
I wish I could save him, But I think he has to want to be saved.
I'm pretty sure that's how that works and the only thing that I know of that makes people want to change, is consequences of their actions that no one can save them from. When you experience enough pain you will change, I think. I hope. I hope he has a low tolerance for pain, but I doubt that too.
Peace..
p.s. If you feel like saying a prayer for me/son#2 or the rest of my family, feel free.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
The Winning Pumpkin
Here it is in all of it's 3 day old glory
So if you are in any way related to me you probably have already heard about our winning pumpkin I thought I would post a picture of it before it goes the way of the compost (or chicken feed).
We were very surprised to win this contest since it was done quickly and we really just had fun.
In fact we had a blast. His face is a little caved in but he is getting a bit soft. there are things carved out all the way around this is just that face that I carved. Johanna carved out most of the rest of it . The evil genius drew a face on the other side and Mom helped him carve it out. Then she took requests for items to put on the rest of the pumpkin, a bat, a spider, the moon a ghost and the word BOO! .
The real winners of this contest did a great job carving out the Headless Horseman, but they left before the judging and could not be located. So a second vote from the crowd made our kids the proud new owners of a Wii ! It was a really great night, even if we hadn't won we had a great time just carving pumpkins and getting hot chocolate spilled all over me. it was a party for sure, and it was to benefit the playground fund where my boys go to school.
Another thing that has been going on is we are probably moving. We found this really great place that is owned by the abbey that I work for. There is enough room there for us to have what ever animals we want and very private. our only close neighbors will be cows. It is so much closer to my job (I could get home in about 5-6 minutes) and it's like a dream come true for us.
This is a picture of the house
We really love this place and it is a great set up for our chickens plus we can add to the menagerie.
I wish I could say I will miss this neighborhood. I will miss some people here and I know we will be coming around here from time to time. We also plan on continuing to go to the same church that we have been near here. But that will mean 1 or 2 22 mile drives a week instead of at least 5. I am kind of stressed out and worried (even though I know that doesn't help) because we will be leaving my 16 year old son here, sort of.
We have had many many issues lately with him and he is in trouble with the law at present. I don't want to get rid of my son, but he has been acting extremely foolishly and we are waiting to see what is going to happen. Some good news we just got is that he is being charged as a juvenile, we were worried that he was going to get charged as an adult because he is 16 and they do it a lot thense days. So at least he won't end up in prison over this, he may end up in a residential program, but there isn't any help in prison. I also have a referral in to a local mental health facility where I hope to get a psych exam for him & possibly medication. This has been in the forefront of my thoughts for weeks now and the main reason I haven't posted anything much in weeks. Because I can't really focus on much and I am exhausted most of the time, feeling like I may just snap from the pressure. I haven't had anything good to say so I have been following Thumper's Mom's advice and saying nothin at all.
I am tired, I am sad that my boy who I love so much seems to be destroying his own life over nothing. I also know that God is good and all of this is somehow going to work for our good but it sure is hard to see sometimes.
I also am sad that when I set it up so the troubled boy can stay with his friend's family he was surprised that I was willing to let him and happy to go live with them. It made me feel not very important to him. But, I really think this could be a good thing for us and him. we shall see how it works out. I am worrying way too much and it's not like me really, but as my wife pointed out, I fear change. I do I admit it, even though I know change is good, I am almost comfortable in a crappy trailer in a crappy neighborhood with a kid on a self-destruct mission.
SO I guess that's it, sorry it takes me so long to post anything but I have a lot going on at the moment.
Peace
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Soon & Very Soon
It just hit me that I am extremely inappropriate at times.
I live with a bunch of little boys & that in it's self seems to exacerbate the problem.
I am extremely tired as well tonight, but after inappropriate story time with my youngest son and a very inappropriate song sung at the top of my lungs in the shower combined with 2 cups of coffee, I think I could stay up for a little while.
I think that the problem is, I am very much a little kid most of the time(that is, when I'm not a frustrated adult) and I like to have fun; even when it's not appropriate.
SO I came dragging my butt in after like an 11 hour work day and about 1.5 hours in commute and my kids are watching a video that grandma made for them that includes a Canadian remake of a Japanese cartoon, Discovery Jones and a lot of commercials for a 3 cd set of hymns sung by a black choir. This inspired my shower version of "Soon and Very Soon, You're Going to Bite My Butt".
This was followed by coffee and alsmost falling asleep in the chair watching said video. But then, alas "snicker" I realised that my Wife was missing. She was putting the youngest child in bed. I know that at this time of day, her deepest sesire is to KILL THAT BOY, so I jump in his bed to read him one of his altime favorite books ( in the past two weeks) "One Small Poop by the Poop". I think he kind of liked it but it did make me think about what I might be teaching this young mind about the seriousness of bed time.
Anyhow, in the immortal words of Forest Gump,"That's all I have to say about that".
I live with a bunch of little boys & that in it's self seems to exacerbate the problem.
I am extremely tired as well tonight, but after inappropriate story time with my youngest son and a very inappropriate song sung at the top of my lungs in the shower combined with 2 cups of coffee, I think I could stay up for a little while.
I think that the problem is, I am very much a little kid most of the time(that is, when I'm not a frustrated adult) and I like to have fun; even when it's not appropriate.
SO I came dragging my butt in after like an 11 hour work day and about 1.5 hours in commute and my kids are watching a video that grandma made for them that includes a Canadian remake of a Japanese cartoon, Discovery Jones and a lot of commercials for a 3 cd set of hymns sung by a black choir. This inspired my shower version of "Soon and Very Soon, You're Going to Bite My Butt".
This was followed by coffee and alsmost falling asleep in the chair watching said video. But then, alas "snicker" I realised that my Wife was missing. She was putting the youngest child in bed. I know that at this time of day, her deepest sesire is to KILL THAT BOY, so I jump in his bed to read him one of his altime favorite books ( in the past two weeks) "One Small Poop by the Poop". I think he kind of liked it but it did make me think about what I might be teaching this young mind about the seriousness of bed time.
Anyhow, in the immortal words of Forest Gump,"That's all I have to say about that".
Saturday, September 27, 2008
This video changed my life
I came across this a couple of days ago and I really want to share it with the world.
I got it from this guy's Xanga site.. this is their version of the song..
I hope you enjoy I know I did ..
Crappy Parenting
Yes,
I am referring to myself. I haven't been writing at all because when I last wrote something for this blog, I was in really good spirits. I can't say that I am now, although I am not really depressed or anything.
I have been a pretty bad example in the past for my kids and I exposed my older boys to lots of thing they should never have been exposed to. I know the past is gone, but it haunt's me.
My fifteen year old son just went to juvenile detention about 2 weeks ago.
I am reminded of my weakness and mistakes when ever something like this happens.
I am really worried about this kid. I try not to worry about anything. But this one has me worried.
His older brother has many issues including a pretty bad drug problem.I am afraid this kid will give in to the hopeless outlook his brother has and completely ruin his life.
Not to mention the other kids and the effect he will have on them.
So, right now I have 2 sons in jail. Not a shining testimony for how wonderful of a parent I am. I also didn't get a birthday card in the mail fast enough because I haven't mailed one yet and the 15 year old's B day is the 29th. I think I dropped the ball on this one.
I did visit him once and he seems ok. But I'm not and I am afraid this isn't serious enough for him to make an actual change. He sounded good and said he will do better when he gets out, But I am skeptical. I have heard my oldest give me a complete line of crap and do what ever the hell he wanted with no concern for anyone else around him. This is what worries me, that my younger boy will follow in his brother's footsteps.
God Help Me, and them,
Peace
I am referring to myself. I haven't been writing at all because when I last wrote something for this blog, I was in really good spirits. I can't say that I am now, although I am not really depressed or anything.
I have been a pretty bad example in the past for my kids and I exposed my older boys to lots of thing they should never have been exposed to. I know the past is gone, but it haunt's me.
My fifteen year old son just went to juvenile detention about 2 weeks ago.
I am reminded of my weakness and mistakes when ever something like this happens.
I am really worried about this kid. I try not to worry about anything. But this one has me worried.
His older brother has many issues including a pretty bad drug problem.I am afraid this kid will give in to the hopeless outlook his brother has and completely ruin his life.
Not to mention the other kids and the effect he will have on them.
So, right now I have 2 sons in jail. Not a shining testimony for how wonderful of a parent I am. I also didn't get a birthday card in the mail fast enough because I haven't mailed one yet and the 15 year old's B day is the 29th. I think I dropped the ball on this one.
I did visit him once and he seems ok. But I'm not and I am afraid this isn't serious enough for him to make an actual change. He sounded good and said he will do better when he gets out, But I am skeptical. I have heard my oldest give me a complete line of crap and do what ever the hell he wanted with no concern for anyone else around him. This is what worries me, that my younger boy will follow in his brother's footsteps.
God Help Me, and them,
Peace
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Alright Already
Well here's the deal.
It's been a while since I posted and I am kind of behind (good thing I didn't actually make any sort of commitment about posting to anyone) so I am going to try to post something today, even though I have many other things I should do today.
I have been kicking around several ideas for the past few months, maybe not so much ideas as thought processes. Any way, my thoughts about church and what it means to BE the church and what roll institutions play in said roll. Mostly due to some blogs that I regularly read and a couple of books I have read combined with my own discontent in my current position spiritually (if that makes any sense at all). So a few months ago I start questioning things, things that I believe or have believed. Through this process I have come to some new conclusions about what it means to be the church, but I am still pretty clueless as to how I fit into that and where to start.
This has been an issue of some debate in my house and caused a few misunderstandings.
Especially since my wife is a confirmed Lutheran and feels most comfortable in a liturgical setting and I was brought up as a Southern Baptist where the main focus is getting people saved and Hell-fire and brimstone preaching. We have had a few disagreements on certain issues But mostly I think it's mis-communication.
Which brings me to Sunday, at the as-of-yet-unnamed-consolidation-of-five-Lutheran-churches. This is the building where we were married and we both really love the people there(most of them anyway) and it is where my wife wants to take the kids. So I can accept and embrace that.
I really do and almost always did like it there, we stopped going there over some incidents that involved our kids, no one was injured or anything though.
The point to this is we have gone back for the past 2 weeks and I still have my issues with just being in an institution that is more like an exclusive club than a part of the body of Christ.
There are also now 2 pastors at this new church we heard each one last week and one this week. Oh did I mention that the first is Female? That is a different experience for me, not hearing women preach but having them be a pastor. That is not the reason I am writing this at all, although it does add to my story.
I have had all of these conflicting thoughts about returning to a "church" at all and when my wife asked me if I wanted to go with her and the kids I just said yes because I like to be with them and it is my day off now that God put like the best job ever right in front of me.
So as we were there and we came to the part of the service where there is a sermon (something I have sort of decided is not really necessary for people who are the CHURCH) the male pastor (Jerry something) is talking about living the gospel about being outward focused and about the research he has done on what the Lutheran churches that are surviving are doing.
What he found is that the ones who are able to hold things together are the ones who are the most accepting and outward focused. Those churches that are more concerned with the community around them and the needs of those people than they are about the survival of the "EXCLUSIVE CLUB"(his actual words there).
It was God, once again confirming something that I think and pushing me in that direction. So,
will I become a confirmed Lutheran? I doubt it, but I have been a member of that church since the pastor who married us told me I was. I also think that if this is the way we are going to be led then this may be the place for me to start. For me to find what part I actually play in this ministry. God is showing me that maybe the building isn't a must, but fellowship with believers is. Blog land is great and I can bounce ideas off of others safely here. It's easy here, most of the people I dialog with here I have never met in person. But real relationship is different and that is what God is calling us all to. Not that I am going to stop questioning, I think that is actually an important part of growing in Christ. But I also need to accept some things and with all of it's limitations, the institution is doing more together than I can do on my own and I desperately want to do something more than talk about what we need to do.
Not that I do nothing, but I know God wants more of me, more than I want to give and I believe that this is the place that He wants me to start Living out my faith in new ways. Who knows? Maybe I will have a subversive influence in this group too, you never know. Heck, God can use a donkey, right?
So that's it, God has spoken to me and I am giving in. SO THERE. Peace
It's been a while since I posted and I am kind of behind (good thing I didn't actually make any sort of commitment about posting to anyone) so I am going to try to post something today, even though I have many other things I should do today.
I have been kicking around several ideas for the past few months, maybe not so much ideas as thought processes. Any way, my thoughts about church and what it means to BE the church and what roll institutions play in said roll. Mostly due to some blogs that I regularly read and a couple of books I have read combined with my own discontent in my current position spiritually (if that makes any sense at all). So a few months ago I start questioning things, things that I believe or have believed. Through this process I have come to some new conclusions about what it means to be the church, but I am still pretty clueless as to how I fit into that and where to start.
This has been an issue of some debate in my house and caused a few misunderstandings.
Especially since my wife is a confirmed Lutheran and feels most comfortable in a liturgical setting and I was brought up as a Southern Baptist where the main focus is getting people saved and Hell-fire and brimstone preaching. We have had a few disagreements on certain issues But mostly I think it's mis-communication.
Which brings me to Sunday, at the as-of-yet-unnamed-consolidation-of-five-Lutheran-churches. This is the building where we were married and we both really love the people there(most of them anyway) and it is where my wife wants to take the kids. So I can accept and embrace that.
I really do and almost always did like it there, we stopped going there over some incidents that involved our kids, no one was injured or anything though.
The point to this is we have gone back for the past 2 weeks and I still have my issues with just being in an institution that is more like an exclusive club than a part of the body of Christ.
There are also now 2 pastors at this new church we heard each one last week and one this week. Oh did I mention that the first is Female? That is a different experience for me, not hearing women preach but having them be a pastor. That is not the reason I am writing this at all, although it does add to my story.
I have had all of these conflicting thoughts about returning to a "church" at all and when my wife asked me if I wanted to go with her and the kids I just said yes because I like to be with them and it is my day off now that God put like the best job ever right in front of me.
So as we were there and we came to the part of the service where there is a sermon (something I have sort of decided is not really necessary for people who are the CHURCH) the male pastor (Jerry something) is talking about living the gospel about being outward focused and about the research he has done on what the Lutheran churches that are surviving are doing.
What he found is that the ones who are able to hold things together are the ones who are the most accepting and outward focused. Those churches that are more concerned with the community around them and the needs of those people than they are about the survival of the "EXCLUSIVE CLUB"(his actual words there).
It was God, once again confirming something that I think and pushing me in that direction. So,
will I become a confirmed Lutheran? I doubt it, but I have been a member of that church since the pastor who married us told me I was. I also think that if this is the way we are going to be led then this may be the place for me to start. For me to find what part I actually play in this ministry. God is showing me that maybe the building isn't a must, but fellowship with believers is. Blog land is great and I can bounce ideas off of others safely here. It's easy here, most of the people I dialog with here I have never met in person. But real relationship is different and that is what God is calling us all to. Not that I am going to stop questioning, I think that is actually an important part of growing in Christ. But I also need to accept some things and with all of it's limitations, the institution is doing more together than I can do on my own and I desperately want to do something more than talk about what we need to do.
Not that I do nothing, but I know God wants more of me, more than I want to give and I believe that this is the place that He wants me to start Living out my faith in new ways. Who knows? Maybe I will have a subversive influence in this group too, you never know. Heck, God can use a donkey, right?
So that's it, God has spoken to me and I am giving in. SO THERE. Peace
Monday, September 01, 2008
Back in church
So,
We just show up this Sunday for a more traditional Lutheran service than I am used to attending. In fact 'm not used to attending much right now, I haven't been going to a church service at all in a few months. It was much of the same old stuff that you would expect.It was kind of nice and comfortable and I think that's ok. I still have issues with some of the institutional trappings such as clergy and laity separation and how for many people, showing up there is their Christian duty (and nothing else is). I am trying to reconcile this stuff in my head and figure out a way that I can have fellowship with other believers outside of an institutional setting. People just tend to get so uncomfortable talking about God outside of "church". For me there needs to be something more than serving in a church. I have no problem doing that (as long as it doesn't take away from my family) but what I really desire is something with more meaning, something real.
I have grown tired over the years of the alter-egos that so many people have on Sunday when they are surrounded by people they perceive to be judging them. Why does it have to always be some sort of show?
One thing I really like about the Lutheran church is the lack of a "show" in services. While I loved the music in the Charismatic church I used to attend, the professionalism in the music combined with what ever else happened in the service (including the teaching/preaching of the pastor) tends to create more of a mask for everyone to put on that has little to do with who they are.
My wife thinks I like to just create an issue with authority. I guess the the truth is, as time goes on it's not that I have a problem with authority, I just don't view some of the people as authority that I used to.
Jesus said that the spirit will teach us all we need to know. He also said that the whole law was summed up in only two commandments. So why do we make it so complicated?
My wife thinks that no questioning is ok, I think questioning is ok. Luther certainly questioned.
Sorry not really sure where I am headed with all of this. I guess I am just sort of processing my thoughts here.
Any way, we went to church, it was kind of cool, and I would like to do something more than that. I guess that's what I am saying..
We just show up this Sunday for a more traditional Lutheran service than I am used to attending. In fact 'm not used to attending much right now, I haven't been going to a church service at all in a few months. It was much of the same old stuff that you would expect.It was kind of nice and comfortable and I think that's ok. I still have issues with some of the institutional trappings such as clergy and laity separation and how for many people, showing up there is their Christian duty (and nothing else is). I am trying to reconcile this stuff in my head and figure out a way that I can have fellowship with other believers outside of an institutional setting. People just tend to get so uncomfortable talking about God outside of "church". For me there needs to be something more than serving in a church. I have no problem doing that (as long as it doesn't take away from my family) but what I really desire is something with more meaning, something real.
I have grown tired over the years of the alter-egos that so many people have on Sunday when they are surrounded by people they perceive to be judging them. Why does it have to always be some sort of show?
One thing I really like about the Lutheran church is the lack of a "show" in services. While I loved the music in the Charismatic church I used to attend, the professionalism in the music combined with what ever else happened in the service (including the teaching/preaching of the pastor) tends to create more of a mask for everyone to put on that has little to do with who they are.
My wife thinks I like to just create an issue with authority. I guess the the truth is, as time goes on it's not that I have a problem with authority, I just don't view some of the people as authority that I used to.
Jesus said that the spirit will teach us all we need to know. He also said that the whole law was summed up in only two commandments. So why do we make it so complicated?
My wife thinks that no questioning is ok, I think questioning is ok. Luther certainly questioned.
Sorry not really sure where I am headed with all of this. I guess I am just sort of processing my thoughts here.
Any way, we went to church, it was kind of cool, and I would like to do something more than that. I guess that's what I am saying..
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Back To Reality
Vacation was awesome,
My wife's sisters and mom and all of the guys were awesome too.
I think we all had a great time. I don't think I have ever had such a relaxing time off in my life.
The beach was absolutely beautiful. I got some pretty cool pictures I think.
Now dealing with reality is I really couldn't afford to take the time off so now I must pay. I was even thinking of trying to get a second job somewhere just so I could sort of recover.
times are kind of hard in this town where we live, many people out of work (I'm sure we are not alone in that) and the jobs that are out there are getting harder to get and seems like they are paying less.
I felt kind of guilty when we were away, one for missing work and not earning money when I could have been. I also get this undercurrent of guilt because of the fact that we got to go do this and I could never afford to get such a house as this (even for a week) while there are people in this neighborhood who are really struggling. I mean we are too to a certain degree, I took a pay cut to take my new job, which is really cool and less stress than I have had in a long time. But we still have the same bills, I was getting sort of comfortable ( not that I was financially set or anything, but I had enough to pay for almost everything ) and now I am back to an earlier time, when it was week to week for real.
I really can't complain because almost all of my hardships have to do with my own life choices.
Had I not gone to prison, I would likely still be at the same job and I would still have the house that I lost to foreclosure. Life would probably look quite different than it does now. But the fact is I can't change the past and I need to get the things done that are in front of me.
I will get back on track eventually, it's just going to be hard.
Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing leaving my last job. But when I think back about the tension and stress and just the situation I was in, it was the right thing to do.
I also need to remind myself that God has made a way every time for me that I can't explain or begin to deserve. I'm not sure why He loves me, but it's fairly evident if I look back over the past 20 plus years. I also need to remind myself that, had I not lost everything to do with my old life, I might have never met Johanna and I would not have Calvin or Mike or A.J. and I wouldn't want a life without any of them now.
Things are still pretty rocky with my marriage and statistically, we shouldn't make it. We both tend to fall back into this defensive mode from being hurt so much and we act like nothing matters. But the fact is, neither of us wants a life without the other. Yeah when I am acting stupid at say 6:00 a.m. I'm sure it sucks to even be in the same house as me. But She loves me, I know it, like no other human ever has. Sometimes I get hurt too (although I am sure it is far less frequent) and I start trying to act tough and I want to just give up. But, I can't imagine a life without this family. Even though she says we aren't when she is freaked out about what is happening with kids or finances or both. But we are, we don't make sense and we are not an easy fit. All of us are so different, But there is love here. I hope I never have to live without that again.
Feeling so alone really stinks, even though I know God is with me, I really like it when my family is with me too.
Peace
My wife's sisters and mom and all of the guys were awesome too.
I think we all had a great time. I don't think I have ever had such a relaxing time off in my life.
The beach was absolutely beautiful. I got some pretty cool pictures I think.
Now dealing with reality is I really couldn't afford to take the time off so now I must pay. I was even thinking of trying to get a second job somewhere just so I could sort of recover.
times are kind of hard in this town where we live, many people out of work (I'm sure we are not alone in that) and the jobs that are out there are getting harder to get and seems like they are paying less.
I felt kind of guilty when we were away, one for missing work and not earning money when I could have been. I also get this undercurrent of guilt because of the fact that we got to go do this and I could never afford to get such a house as this (even for a week) while there are people in this neighborhood who are really struggling. I mean we are too to a certain degree, I took a pay cut to take my new job, which is really cool and less stress than I have had in a long time. But we still have the same bills, I was getting sort of comfortable ( not that I was financially set or anything, but I had enough to pay for almost everything ) and now I am back to an earlier time, when it was week to week for real.
I really can't complain because almost all of my hardships have to do with my own life choices.
Had I not gone to prison, I would likely still be at the same job and I would still have the house that I lost to foreclosure. Life would probably look quite different than it does now. But the fact is I can't change the past and I need to get the things done that are in front of me.
I will get back on track eventually, it's just going to be hard.
Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing leaving my last job. But when I think back about the tension and stress and just the situation I was in, it was the right thing to do.
I also need to remind myself that God has made a way every time for me that I can't explain or begin to deserve. I'm not sure why He loves me, but it's fairly evident if I look back over the past 20 plus years. I also need to remind myself that, had I not lost everything to do with my old life, I might have never met Johanna and I would not have Calvin or Mike or A.J. and I wouldn't want a life without any of them now.
Things are still pretty rocky with my marriage and statistically, we shouldn't make it. We both tend to fall back into this defensive mode from being hurt so much and we act like nothing matters. But the fact is, neither of us wants a life without the other. Yeah when I am acting stupid at say 6:00 a.m. I'm sure it sucks to even be in the same house as me. But She loves me, I know it, like no other human ever has. Sometimes I get hurt too (although I am sure it is far less frequent) and I start trying to act tough and I want to just give up. But, I can't imagine a life without this family. Even though she says we aren't when she is freaked out about what is happening with kids or finances or both. But we are, we don't make sense and we are not an easy fit. All of us are so different, But there is love here. I hope I never have to live without that again.
Feeling so alone really stinks, even though I know God is with me, I really like it when my family is with me too.
Peace
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