Work

Tonight was good . Stressful, but good.
Things aren't really any different at home but I am in a good
mood. I am pretty tired but wide awake. Why is it that I can be so tired
and so wound up after working all night? I don't think I'm alone in this.
For now, I will read a few more blogs, check some email and have some
semi-decent beer. Maybe I will be sleepy in a little while . I hope so
I would like to go to church again tomorrow I think. I'm not completely
sure about it but I do like it in this church at least I like some of
the things I have heard there. I wish I could find some more people to
really "Be" the church with , but I have yet to find those types of
relationships ( at least in a group setting ) .
I hope tomorrow will be good in some ways I dread it because
Sunday is usually bad at work. We shall see.
Peace

Holidays

Today was a really incredible day.
I got up & went to church by myself. It wasn't that bad, but I find myself really distracted and distant today in church. I think that's not really normal for me , especially on Easter.
There are many issues in my life at this moment that keep my mind occupied most of the time and I am not really focusing well on anything. But, it is getting better.
I did my best to spend some time with people that I love today. I wish they could love each other. Sometimes it seems like they do, then at others it's like being caught in between warring factions.
My life is pretty chaotic, sort of fitting for Easter I guess. How Chaotic must it have been for the early believers on that day? I am sure they were happy at the prospect of Christ being raised from the dead, but at the same time I bet they were afraid to let their hearts guards down and just believe it .
I am at this place personally where I know that God has spoken something to me about the situation, but I am always looking with my eyes and trusting my feelings . I have been lead down that path before, I find myself fighting it and giving in to it only to realize I am giving in again then trying to stand with more resolve than before.
This is really hard for me and frankly,
it sucks!!
I am realizing more that a "church" may not be the place for my worship. I mean I know that.
My life has to be worship, today only strengthened that need for change in me. I want to do the easy thing, I want to just go to a church and get preached to and get filled , maybe prayed for and go back to my life of ease.
If it were only that easy.
As I drove from the service this morning , I found myself in this dialog with God about what just happened. So what now? I'm not an organizer or a really charismatic leader of men. How and where do I find fellowship with people I can interact with and relate to? It seems very far from here. I am in like church mecca (Central Florida) you can't throw a rock without hitting a church building here. The thing that makes this even more real to me is the fact that I don't see people changing because of all the religion in this town. It seems very much out of context and ineffective to keep doing the same thing. Even personally, where I was once feeling like a church addict and I was getting fresh revelations every week, now it is leaving me kind of flat,kind of empty . Like it is just going through the motions and trying to be correct.
Maybe being right doesn't matter that much , or maybe it only matters when it comes to your heart.
Mine is breaking, but I am hopeful.

I still believe Romans 8:28 is true and in context with all times in history and all places and all circumstances.
This is ALL for my good and for all of us.
Happy easter I hope it was a really wonderful day for you all,
Peace Be With You

it is really late

I think I don't sleep enough...
I should work on that.

What's important? Really.

That's what I am asking myself today.
I did take some time for myself and with my 15 year old today I think it helped me to clear my mind somewhat. I am thinking about this Question," What would Jesus tell me to do right now?"
I really don't know for sure, but I think it has to do with love.
One thing that keeps coming into my mind the last few days is how to love. What do I need to do to love? How is that even possible? It seems really hard to not react with the urge that is inside me. An urge that pushes me toward an agenda of self-preservation. The urge that tells me to defend myself. No one can do that to me , they must not know who I am. I have been to the land of Killas & Gorillas and I lived, thrived even. I can be strong I have had to, don't make me prove it.
My natural reaction. My Flesh?
I think this is NOT what Jesus would do. I could try and justify what I want to do, in the ears of most people that I know pretty much anything I would do would be justified. But then there were people who told me I was justified in the Severe injuries I gave to the man I went to prison over .
That is another reminder as well, of how strong I was, how self sufficient how PROUD.
I am a living testimony of how pride comes before a fall. Check it out it's in proverbs somewhere.

Maybe If I can love , just simply love and not react in some irrational, emotional way I will get my family back. Maybe not.
Maybe My ends aren't the purpose of this at all. Maybe I will lose them all for good .
but , maybe, I might; learn something.
How to love. in the face of adversity, in the middle of my personal crisis I might learn to let that go and actually rely on God.
I mean I doubt I will actually learn ( given my track record) But, it could happen. ....

there is nothing good to say

Right now , I totally hate my life. I wish it wasn't like this . But, it is.
I know it could be worse, Not having an easy time seeing that right now. I guess today is just one more shining example of how much I miss the mark, my laziness, my inadequacies, my general lack of life skills.
Yeah so I'm not the greatest parent, Who is? Show me some great example of the perfect parent and I'll show you some one who knows how to lie pretty good and has some skeletons in their closet. I feel pretty hurt and pretty mean right now. I guess for me they go hand in hand.
Maybe some sort of defense mechanism?
Yeah , you know I dropped out of high school, did a bunch of drugs, got married to young ,ended up in prison, alienated my kids, family and everyone else that mattered to me. Looks like I have finally screwed things up here until my new wife is pretty sick of me too. Well , I guess that is how my life is going to go.
I really thought that we had something that would endure, we are so strangely suited for each other. But I have one skill and that is messing everything up. So here I go again. The one woman who was Just nuts enough to want to make it with me through this life is tired of my crap too. Can't say as I really blame her.

Tagged?

Hmmm.
I'm not completely sure how I feel about this Kristen
tagged me for this meme and I haven't done this before , so I will probably screw it up(disclaimer aside let's begin!!)
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Here are the rules:
(1) Link to the person that tagged you.
(2) Post the rules on your blog.
(3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
(4) Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
(5) Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website

Seems simple enough Let's PARTY !!! WOO HOO!!!

Ok now for the six Non-Important things about me :

1. I am a high school dropout.
Yes it's true , here I am a real life statistic on my very own blog(isn't technology wonderful?).

2. I love to fish!! Yes I know , you can't believe it, seems surreal . Well ; almost

3. I am married to Kristen's sister !! OOps!! strike that that is IMPORTANT!! I knew I would mess this up. Sheesh.

3 #2. I am in close proximity to people who regularly use the word LOOPTID. Now that is what I call non-important.

4. it's 2:47 a.m. oh hold on that's not about me... ummm ( Quiet buzzing sound accompanied by burning smell) oh oh I know , I am baffled and at the same time infatuated by/with Linux .
I keep trying to break my old 450 mhz computer ( made by a company that no longer exists) by re-partitioning the disc and seeing what version of Linux I can actually run on it. So far Zenwalk is the winner, but I cannot for the life of me get my wireless adapter to work.

5. I love sushi!! I mean love like in a passionate , personal way. It has captivated me since I first tried some about 2 years ago. I know am the proud owner of a rice cooker and there are always at least a few sheets of nori seaweed in my kitchen cupboard. Sushi to me is like eating art. When it is done right , it is just as pleasing to look at as it is to eat it . Yes in my opinion Japanese people are strange( at least the ones I have met ) but I now look at a raw piece of salmon and start to salivate.

6. I play the guitar ... sort of ..
I really like to play worship music ( if & when I can find a song that I can learn in less than an hour) and when I was in prison I used to play during our chapel service sometimes.
I used to try to learn all of this lead crap , complicated riffs that hurt my fingers and my head, but I decided a while ago that it was a lot more fun to just be a hack. So a hack is what I am , but I do enjoy it and I make up songs on-the-fly for little boys with no pants on to run around the house to . Yep this is the life.

ok so now: I am supposed to tag some people not sure who yet but I will try it and see if they like block all future comments from me. I will tag a couple of Opera people
I am tagging 1.Cheryl because I am so jealous of her farm life and 2.Bev because I can I will also tag my new compadre via the internet 3.Wayno
Well that is all that I can come up with for now so I broke the rules a little * .

Hope you all have a great day and are increadibly blessed by my pointless post .
Peace

Hope

This is going to be short because I am up too late once again. It seems like weeks since I have slept an appropriate amount. So many thoughts and my own emotions keeping me up at night. Not to mention the internet. Not that I have been productive in any way on the net. I just read a bunch of blogs go through a bunch of crap on ebay & craigslist that I don't need and don't buy .
I haven't posted in quite a while and the last one was kind of negative . I apologize for that. My Sister-in-law made me realize today that I am being a jerk. Yes my life is kind of screwed up, my son wants me to kill him and I feel at least 100 years old, but I am alive and I have people who love me and we had a London broil for dinner( with my wife's recent vegetarian-esqe diet that is a feat) .
I am struggling with my everyday life, but I am not giving up. My son is probably going to a house , normally for run-aways but for kind of a relax and regroup session. Actually it is a definite, he will go tomorrow. I am sad that this is what it takes , but our family counselor said that this is good and a sign there are still things here to work with. I hope he's right, because I feel like I am going to snap on my kid and that is not a good feeling. Maybe this time will be good for us all.

a stinky poop place

Tonight seemed like a pretty long night. I was at work from about 12:30 today( I was supposed to go in @ 4 but I was asked to come in early when one cook whined and cried about being there or being sick or something and another one just outright called in). So ( especially after sleeping too late and missing church ) I had a real attitude when I got to work. Did I mention that my wife seem ALOT less than pleased when I left. Add to this that when I got there it wasn't all that busy.
But, we did end up doing a pretty good business for the day. I can't believe I missed church today. Although I think Johanna has all but given up on the idea of going to church with little kids anymore. I really wanted to go today and I missed it. No huge loss I guess, I am sure God will forgive me for a few missed church services. But I really like it there and they have sort of a Sunday school after the main service(which I can never attend because I always work on Sunday) and I was going to go to it this morning because I didn't have to go in till 4, Yeah right.
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So I guess I am wondering, what is going on with me? I have stress, we all do.
I am tired a lot of the time, pretty normal for me. I am just in this funk, seems like no one can see the good in me right now. Maybe that is just my perception of how things are, but it makes for a crappy week if you ask me.
Basically, I feel disconnected. Disconnected from God, my family, other people around me, like I just accidentally cut the tether between myself and the mother ship, I am slowly drifting away and there isn't anything to grab or push off of to send me back in that general direction.
It's dark and cold and lonely, you would think by now I would be comfortable in this place.
I'm not. It's a stinky poop place.
The very odd thing about this is, the more isolated I feel , the more of a tendency to isolate myself. Isn't that strange? I really want to go fishing , alone but I am way too tired right now.
Peace

The journey

Today was a good day. I mean it could have been worse. I was at work all day and I guess it was ok. I pretty much just deal with my job right now . I never really had a dream f being a restaurant manager I just ended up doing it so I could use what skills I do have to make a little more money than I was making. Since we have a household of 6 people right now and was 7 at one time, I felt we needed the security of that salary.
I guess there is no real point to this dialog except that I feel more and more that maybe there is something else I should be doing. The problem I guess is that I have made so many bad choices in my life that I don't have a lot of options.
I keep getting this sense that I'm not living out my faith the way I am meant to. I try to be as real as I can, not easy in the restaurant biz. It's actually part of the job to kind of fake like you love every person that comes in with money. Sometimes I really like my job, sometimes I really hate it.

I wonder how contextual my role in this place is. Does what I do every day make any difference at all in the world? Does my life make any sense in relation to the kingdom of God? I wonder.
I know that God is real, I know from personal experience that He cares about me. While He owes me nothing, not even an explanation or any kind of demonstration, He has taken the time and initiative to show me certain things , like for instance, love. So here I am , I find my self in a place where for the most part I did not plan on wondering if in fact God can use this mess that is my life. I think I already know He can, it just seems impossible to me sometimes. I wonder how many people feel the same way I do right now? I am confident that this is not the end of the story and that there are great things ahead. I just have really bad vision at times.
Peace

I SUCK

Yes that's right folks you heard it here , ummm... well just now. I really do ask anyone, I am no good . Just thought I would let you guys know , thanks .

New Year

Man am I tired .
Last night we stayed up way too late ( watching Mystery Science Theater) and I had to work all day ,I did get to sleep in a bit though , so that was cool.
I am really hopeful for this year, I am trying not to put any huge expectations on any of us for this year but I am extremely hopeful.
I think it's going to be good, we have pulled all 4 of our (still living at home) kids out of public school. Johanna And I both agree that the way things are going here in public school is not what we want for our kids. So far so good , we haven't really done that much in the way of school yet , but they were going on vacation any way so we let them have a break. In the next few weeks we will see what unfolds in our home.
I also made a resolution to make no resolutions, usually they are just a set up for failure and why put yourself through that? I really don't see the point. I think that if I want to something about me or the way I do something the answer is not to wait for a new year, but to take that moment and decide to change it right then.
I am also very hopeful about my oldest son , who is in jail right now. I hope that God will apprehend him similar to how the police did. I know God has been working on him because prayers have been going up for some time for Tim. I just want him to be able to live a good life and to be able to look back and say it wasn't just a waste. I know inside he wants a good life , he has just been buying into the lies of the enemy and has royally screwed up his life, but I believe that it can change.
There are a lot of things that I would like to change in my life , not all are easy to do for instance I would like to work less. But, this seems extremely far fetched right now. I would have to change jobs( a very scary prospect for me) and I don't really have any great marketable skills. Sure I have a lot of good general knowledge and i can cook pretty good. But cooking is not the best occupation when you have 4 kids at home. I am a manager not because I love to manage or I like to tell people what to do, but because I can count on that paycheck to be at least so much every time. it's a trade off I guess. Of course if I could find a job with 401k, insurance and make like $15 per hour I would probably take it , especially if I could work days.
When I was younger I used to work for a pretty good company and work like 35-40 hrs per week. I really didn't know how good I had it. I had so much more free time, people often times don't realize how valuable that free time is. I used to take my canoe to work with me in the morning and if I got off early I would go fishing or just paddling around the mangroves for a couple of hours. Yep that part was pretty cool.
Any way I am looking at this year with optimism and trying to think about what I would like to see happen in this upcoming year. I know that my spiritual journey (and ours) is taking some new turns. The way I think about Church has been evolving for some time and my wife agrees with me for the most part. We didn't go to a church for a while just because of the difficulty we had getting there for an 8:30 a.m. service , plus the pastor that made us feel so welcome as a couple left and they still have no pastor.
I feel kind of like we gave up on them, but not really it was mostly just really hard for me to get there when I am usually working on Sat. night and @ noon on Sundays.
So, we found a church and we both think God has led us there. It has been a process and if a year ago some one had told me they were thinking the way I have been thinking , I would question their salvation, so much can change in a year.
So I guess that's where I am at. Big changes for our family , for our church, hopefully they will be good. Either way, we will press on and try to live the best way we know how.
Peace

Yeah , that would be cool

I am up really early today , not sure why I just woke up @ 5 & I can't go back to sleep . So , that's ok, I would really love it if this very noisy cat would go somewhere though .
I haven't been getting that much sleep, but for some reason I can't sleep any more today. I guess I am thinking too much. I have been thinking a lot about different things. About my family about God about all the things that are wrong in this world. I guess if I let them my thoughts could just take over my life, some days they do.
Maybe I should think less, you know the old cliche ,"less is more" . Yeah .
Christmas was awsome, I really enjoyed my whole family except for my oldest son who is still in Jail. But I did get to hear from him that day and he sounded so much better than he has in a long time. Man I tell ya, when he is clean he is a completely different person. But the drugs take over. He is the kind of addict that you can't leave alone, you have to watch him every second and you never know what he is going to do next. He must be a real hoot to get high with.
The one thing that has caused me the most pain has been my inability to reach Tim. I used to make him go to church with me when he lived with me. I don't think it made a difference for him at all, maybe planted a seed in him, but over all I doubt that my forcing him to go to a place he hated was doing him any good.
Now he is in jail. I know how that is , it really sucks. Especially if you are like him and have no money and medical problems. They basically keep him in solitary confinement(it's the medical ward ) 23 hour lock down 1 hour out a day to go out to rec or make phone calls, no tv not much to do at all. The one thing this has done for Tim is made him stop and think . One thing about being locked up, you are forced to be alone with yourself. You can't drown your thoughts out with music or activity. Some times in prison you can get drugs, but I would estimate that this is fairly rare. Tim is in county, he is really extremely bored, I know.
He told me that he has been reading the bible, I hope he has , I mean I believe him, I just hope it is making some sort of sense or at least making him ask some reality questions. I don't think my son is well, mentally that is. At least when he is using (which was all the time) he shows all of the major signs of being a psychopath. He has no regard for anyone else. He hasn't thought about the ways he hurts people in a long time. I believe that somewhere in that boys head there is still a good person, I hope so. And you know as a dad , I can never shake that image of him as a child . My heart breaks for him because even though I know it is largely self-inflicted, he has a lot of pain in his life. I want it to stop, or at least become manageable for him.
I ask that if you read this , you would pray for Tim, Because you know what?I'm not ready to give up on him. I know he thinks I have , I know my mom and probably his mom think I have, but I haven't . I have come close , he can't live with me. But I will always love him , if he killed hundreds of people or became the most evil thing I could imagine (a lawyer) I would still love him. ( the lawyer thing was a joke, I was getting way too serious there) . Bottom line , I love my son. He is no different than any of the rest of my kids (including the one I did not provide any DNA for ) and I will always love him. I hope that some day we can have him around on holidays and maybe even some other times too. Yeah , that would be cool .
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I do also want to say that Christmas was really great in spite of the Tim thing and the fact that I was pretty broke (still am, I need to pay my electric today by 5 to keep the luxury of electric light). Because of some act of God in my favor I was able to provide my kids with the second coolest Christmas toy you can receive ( A drum roll would be appropriate here ) ************
*********** AIR HOCKEY!!!!!**************** and here it is in all of it's awsome wonder

I hope your Christmas was this cool.
Peace

Saturday night/ Sunday morning rambling

Today was a strange day for me. I'm not sure what is going on with me, but I feel like God is pulling on me in some way that I can't really figure out yet. What is it I am supposed to be doing?
I know that Something is going on here, I just don't see what my role is in this place where God has placed me. I can feel it , there is some thing , there is a purpose in all this madness. I have been listening to this series of talks about being missional and incarnational. This Michael Frost from Australia has been saying some things that are ringing true in my spirit. I can't deny that a lot in my own life must change and I find myself asking this question ,"Who am I?" . I don't really know, I know God has changed me I know that He has shown me favor in this life and has allowed some really hard (but maybe necessary) things to happen in my life.
So, I find myself here. Not a lot of planning went into this on my part. I am just trying to make ends meet the best I can I am not in love with my job , I wish I were but I do try to always remember that I am supposed to be holy and sinless. Really tough stuff.
I'm not good at being holy I am not sinless and I find that I really do want for more of the old sinful lifestyle I used to live.Who the hell am I kidding? I am still pretty sinful.
I can say , I love Jesus . I want to be more like him. I can say that I feel a burning passion to help , who ever it may be at different times with the things they need. I guess there are just times when I feel paralyzed, by my own guilt and shame, by my shortcomings. I am so not like Jesus, how am I supposed to be him to someone else? I really don't know, I pray that God will give me some direction in that.
Seems really complicated , but it's not it's just really hard.
Well , I am going to go get ready for church then I will go to work and try to be like Jesus . Especially on Sunday's it can be really tough to do with all that "church" crowd coming in leaving tracts and giving servers $2 tips for a $30 check. I am supposed to say ,"hey we aren't all like that , I don't look down on you ." But to follow actions that solidify the not yet Christian's position about Christianity or "church " people is pretty hard and it can get tiring
Peace be with you

HeartAche

Tonight I am not feeling very well.
I met a man today , his name is Randy. Well that is what he told me it was anyway.
He doesn't look good at all and came into my workplace to warm up. He seemed desperate and ashamed , but he also had an element of pride about him. I tried to talk to to him twice today. The second time I was able to talk to him more, but both times he ended up walking away from me as if I was just trying too hard or coming too close, like with a wild animal, you can get so close but the moment they feel threatened they run. Randy ran . Once he ran with a cup of coffee and a cigarette, the second with a few dollars. I drove home crying , I don't know why other than I can see my self or one of my children or parents being like him. He was kind of dirty , but aren't we all? What was so threatening to him about me? Am I trying to hard? do I really care about this man? I don't know him, have never seen him before today. But I cried because of him and I got kind of angry at another person at my workplace for calling him a bum. Randy didn't ask me for one thing. He did say he came in to warm up because it is kind of cold outside tonight. It's not that cold, but Randy doesn't look well and he is very thin. I don't know when or if I will get this man off of my mind.
I'm not sure I want to.
Peace

Old Souls

I just learned of this girl who ,in my opinion, has a very old soul. Amy Winehouse is a jazz/contemporary singer that I had never heard of before today.I am sort of out of the loop so to speak(I really don't watch t.v. and I mostly listen to christian radio when I do) I don't learn about a lot of trends until some one else tells me about it , or like today I stumble upon something that piques my interest.
I saw this article, about her mom issuing a plea for her to come home and they would help her get well.
Mrs. Winehouse, I can relate. I Have a son, 20 years old. that's him in the foreground. He has a drug problem,further complicated by his diabetes. He was diagnosed at 18 months old , so it has nothing to do with anything he (or we ) did or didn't do about his health. He was just chosen to have diabetes. It has been a heartbreaking road. I still find myself dealing wit conflicting emotions about him. I love my son, I really wish I could trust him. I wish I could take the desire to get high away from him. He has stolen from every member of his family and gotten himself into trouble and seems to have no concern for anyone around him. I watched this video and it made me sad. Because I see my son in those eyes. Amy is 4 years older than my son Tim , I think their generation is crying out for help that we aren't sure how to give. I can't wave a magic wand and make this world less sad. I can't fix every broken thing. I can't change the past , I know that we as parents hurt our kids(I know I hurt Tim) but we can't change the past, we can only move forward.
I know that I have failed my kids in many ways over the years. I have always loved them and I have always wanted a good life them, yes even for Tim , even now.
How did these kids get to this point? How does such despair grip someone so young ? What is it that hurts this bad? It hurts me to see the pain in my son's eyes or to hear the pain in the voice of such a beautiful young girl. Why can't they see that they have a future? It's not over yet, there is a life out there for you.
PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP

A Church Home?

I think we may be onto something here. Today was the second week in a row that I attended Beacon Community Church . I had been there before a long time ago , my wife and I went there and for what ever reason we didn't keep going. We did attend a church where her Mom goes ,a Lutheran Church. So any way I have not been attending any church in months, I felt that it was just too hard to try after working Sat. night to get up for an 8:30 a.m. service and , ever since the pastor that married us left the church, things have not been the same. He really made us feel welcome as a family. There was utter & complete acceptance for our sometimes annoying bevy of children. In this one man I think we saw a demonstration of grace that we wanted to emulate and that made "me "want to be there anyway. It was always different after he left and I don't want to sound like I am following after a man, I really try not to fall into that trap.
At any rate we all went to church together this week and it was really good. God spoke to me last week in a way that made me want to come back for more this week and I prodded the other members of this household to go this week,which we did. And this week God spoke to my wife and myself in a special way. We both had the same thought(even though I didn't say it to her) that,"This is the right place for us". Let me explain a little:
One thing that we have both been thinking about is,community and what that might look like here ,now or maybe in the future. How can we play a role in that?
We also have been thinking about what we can change here , in our home to make a difference in our children's lives and our own.
I have started reading a lot of stuff about the Emerging Church, New Monasticism and Post Modernism.
I think that God has put it on our hearts to change the way we think about everything and we have found evidence that this is really what God is doing.
I say ,"I think" not because I doubt what God is telling me, but only because I don't want to make assumptions about what God is telling Johanna, she is her own person unique and different from anyone else .
I know for sure that we agree on much of this stuff. We also went to a David Crowder Band concert for our anniversary and we both love his work and message(especially "Remedy" their new cd) which also talks a lot about works, not that our eternal salvation is about works, but we need to change things. This world is not going to last for our children's children the way we are living and doing business.
So today we went ,the first Sunday of Advent and it was a communion service. I have not taken communion in months (in the Lutheran church we take it every service) and I really needed to be a part of that again, I need to be in a body of believers and be fed with God's word. So any way the "conversation" was about Hope and how that relates to the Christmas story. How we have made it some fairy tale where there is all of this awe & wonder but no despair , no fear. We celebrate Jesus' birth but miss the reason for celebration.
So it was about moving into truth , not denying there are problems or trying to ignore our circumstances but facing fears and and loss and grief . Going head on , hoping in God knowing He loves us and is with us and we will be ok. That God will not fix everything for us but we will be ok. because he cares about us . He will not race to stop every perceived injustice that makes us uncomfortable,on our time table for our whims. But he will rescue us. He may have a different plan than what we think , but his is better anyway.
Also , during communion the guitar player played a song that spoke to both of us . It was familiar , a song by David Crowder "surely we can change" that will tear your heart out and show it to you (especially if you are in the same shape I am in lately)and if you are a lover of God , at some point you will have tears welling up (if you listen to the words).
So , I look over at my wife and she is sobbing. And I could tell that she was Not just distraught but she was feeling like I was and that maybe this is a good place for us. Because our walk with God (I believe ) MUST be personal, and our focus should be outward,but we also need that rest ,that encouragement we get from a corporate worship experience. I don't think that this should be my focus (any longer) but I think I need to be strengthened by that setting ,by others who are trying to walk this path and live the way God wants us to.
So, maybe ; we have found a church home.
PEACE BE WITH YOU

The Weight : Noun 1. The vertical force exerted by a mass as a result of gravity.

I feel it pulling me , compelling me . I see darkness and I see light I wrestle with both compulsion and revulsion, disgust and hope.
I'm not sure where I stand.
I feel lost, but I feel like I can't be lost.
The need of immense love to fill the unfathomable depth of the sorrow.
The theme of this planet seems to be a slow funeral dirge that stabs humanity in our collective soul, bleeding , feeling faint, we are all like ashen statues empty lifeless shells of people with purpose, people who loved , people who hated now it is nothing. Abyss. The darkness is growing , this place is cold, the love is dying .
Why?
What will we do ?
What will I do?
Could I fly? Could we? Are we just men and women, fleeting ,temporary?
Is this it? Where is this kingdom we seek & why does it elude us?
Are we blind? Deaf? Dumb? What the hell is the problem exactly?
And why,
as introverted and selfish as I am,
is this heaviness pulling me down so?

HAPPY THANKS GIVING

I thought I would share what our Thanks Giving Day was like .
Quite different from what it has been in past years (a change for the better)

We had a really good day in spite of Calvin freaking out somewhat.
We went to both parents houses (mine & Johanna's) and it was pretty good at both places, plus we didn't really have to cook. Calvin decided each time we arrived somewhere new that he did not want to be there. I think he really wanted to be at home. At Grandma Sue's house it was a little hectic until he fell asleep, when he woke up later , he was in a much better mood. I did get a picture of the 15 year old sleeping next to him at Sue's.

When we got to my mom's house It was the same story .
He wanted to go home and told me so . But, after we were there for about a half an hour he was fine and playing with all the other kids. My sister and brother were there with their kids . My mom's house is pretty small and it got loud and chaotic, but a good time was had by all. My mom also proved once again that she is one of the best cooks to come out of Appalachia. She made a ton of food and I think an army could have been fed with the leftovers. Then we had "special coffees" and sat around and talked for a long time. It was a really good day all in all.

In the morning we did something that I think we will try to make a tradition in our family. We have thought much about establishing family traditions with our kids that they will find some meaning in and hopefully pass on and keep alive in their own families when they are grown.
We decided that we should do something with some meaning on this holiday. So we cooked 2 turkeys and some mashed potatoes, got some tea, paper plates and took Thanksgiving dinner to a colony of homeless people who live in the woods nearby where we live now. My wife and I were both a little nervous about it , but it turned out pretty good. I also think this made an impression , not only on the men who we left the food with , but even more on our kids.
I was fairly restrained in what I said to them and just told 2 of the men that I just wanted them to know that they do matter and they are not just forgotten.
My 15 year old complained about being part of this, but he didn't have to be prompted to help with the unloading of food and some clothing , toiletries ,sheets and blankets (that Grandma Sue sent with us). I also saw him shake hands with one of the men and wish him a happy thanksgiving( he also told my mother that it was pretty cool ) . I really hope this was what God would have us do, some people would say it was risky and we could have put our children in danger. But, I think this made what will be a lasting impression on them. So yeah , it was a really great day and I felt slightly guilty for having so much , sad for those people who are living out in that little section of woods and so incredibly blessed To be surrounded by such love .
Thank you Lord
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On a sadder note, I found out my oldest son is back in jail.
But at least he is alive and he will not sleep on the street tonight and I will probably not get that phone call I have been expecting in the back of my mind to tell me he was found dead. Maybe this will be the time that he will save his own life. I hope that God Gets a hold of him and he can see that he is destroying his life . I so want my son back , he was such a good boy and I was always so proud of him.
I ask any one who reads this to please pray for him. I don't want to bury my son .
Peace

We Made It Back ALIVE

Well, Johanna and I went to Orlando on Thursday to see David Crowder in concert.
We made it , really had a great time and after getting somewhat lost we made it home.
We totally agree on David crowder , we both love his music and just the person he seems to be. I think the fact that he was not just playing music but challenging people to go out and love others, to provide things that are needed , and to live justly speaks volumes.
I also got another thing from this concert(besides the increased endearment of my wonderful wife) I was also affirmed in the way my own thoughts have been running as of late. I actually heard of Brian Mclaren on Kansas Bob's blog. I read a little of what he was talking about on the web and then I got "A New Kind Of Christian"from the library.
The more I read the more I see that this is what I am missing , a real tangible faith that I work out with acts of kindness . With living justly.
I love the general theme of the new CD by DC*B ,that we are supposed to Be Remedy . Yes, God is the remedy for all that is wrong in this world. But, we are supposed to be His hands and feet, we are supposed to act out our faith in hopes of a life on earth that is worth living , with Justice. You know when you are in a town like Orlando, you really don't see the pain in the world. It is a place that exudes of the affluence of this nation. People spend so much there, almost everyone you meet is dressed nicely and many are on vacation. David and band played at the Hard rock live, basically a club setting with a complete circular bar and cocktail waitresses. I think they picked these places on purpose. to kind of infiltrate the world. I think that is what we are called to do , to go out to go where they may not have heard the good news and to treat people the way Jesus would .
How is it we can say a little prayer, have a so-called spiritual awakening and become instant preachers and judges of the rest of the world? Why do we spend so much time , money and effort on "church"activities and have no time for the crazy haired homeless guy we pass 15 times a week?
WHAT THE HELL MAKES US SO SPECIAL?
I can tell you this , the homeless guy could be closer to God than our pastor, we may never know until we actually invest in some people , not "saved" people, but the people that Jesus would have been interested in. People don't need another tract or to say a prayer, they need towels and socks. I for one want to move away from worrying about the "spiritual condition " of the people I meet and move into action. The word agape comes to mind and these verses :
Isa 58:5 Is it such a fast that I have chosen? a day for a man to afflict his soul? is it to bow down his head as a bulrush, and to spread sackcloth and to spread sackcloth and ashes under him? will you call this a fast, and an acceptable day to the LORD?
Isa 58:6 Is not this the fast that I have chosen? to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that you break every yoke?
Isa 58:7 Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and that you bring the poor that are cast out to your house? when you see the naked, that you cover him; and that you hide not yourself from your own flesh?
Isa 58:8 Then shall your light break forth as the morning, and your health shall spring forth speedily: and your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
Isa 58:9 Then shall you call, and the LORD shall answer; you shall cry, and he shall say, Here I am. If you take away from the midst of you the yoke, the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness;
Isa 58:10 And if you draw out your soul to the hungry, and satisfy the afflicted soul; then shall your light rise in the darkness, and your darkness be as the noon day:
Isa 58:11 And the LORD shall guide you continually, and satisfy your soul in drought, and strengthen your bones: and you shall be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not.
Isa 58:12 And they from among you shall build the old waste places: you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; and you shall be called, The repairer of the breach, The restorer of streets to dwell in.
So much for concert talk .
Peace

Marketing

Today I saw something that I thought was kind of disturbing. There was a tract that someone left on a table for a server along with a very small tip.I admit I didn't actually read it , I found it to be so offensive that I wouldn't have read it , ever.
This particular tract was printed to look like a wallet with a $100 bill sticking out of the top. I don't mean that it had a picture of a wallet , it was basically a photo, printed on a wallet shaped piece of paper,obviously meant to deceive someone.
I just looked at it and said,"Why?" . What are we trying to prove with that?
Are we showing how cleaver and conniving we can be? That we are just as cunning as the rest of the world? Why would anyone think they would get a positive response for this kind of tactic?
I often feel as if I am being judged by "good christians" who don't work on Sunday because, well you know it's church day.
I freely admit that I haven't been attending a church for a little while now. I am not making any excuses for that. I really would like to get back into a church and I have plans with my wife and kids to try out a few churches that are in the area. The smallest child had a fever this morning so we put off our plans to visit a local church today. I really think though, if any church is teaching members to leave tracts everywhere, be condescending and presumptuous about what spiritual state the people who are bringing them food are in , I don't think I can be a part of that.
Thanks to Sarah for getting me going on this .
I hope that we can move past this commercialization of the Gospel . People don't need to be tricked into saying some prayer that will likely do nothing as far as making their lives better. It seems to me that often times that we remove God, with our actions and our words .
Peace