Hi,
My name is Shaun.
I'm 39 I have grey & redish brown hair, I am 5'9" tall with a stocky build. I could use to lose a few pounds.
I also ( contrary to popular belief ) am not depressed..
I have my moments, my life is really hard and I tend to just let what ever is on my mind flow right out onto the page. But, I am not suicidal or even thinking about hurting myself or anyone else( except for my 15 year old son who frustrates me pretty much on a daily basis, But I do love him so).
So, if you were worried about me, I apologize, really.
I am not sure my life will ever be easy.I am not sure I would appreciate the good times if there weren't so many bad times.
There are people in my life that think my venting on this blog is a dangerous red flag for what is really going on under the surface. Good news!!! Nothing ( and I mean absolutely nothing) is going on here. Yeah I get sick of dealing with people's crap. Yes I get aggravated and impatient with people. Yes I get my feelings hurt and I am very disappointed.
But I am not without hope.
This should actually be really good news for you ( whom ever you may be) because, if I have hope, How much better off so many people in the world are.. Of course, I know there are so many that are so much worse off than me.
I guess that is one reason I am so hopeful. I believe that God is doing something that I can't fully understand in my life & the lives of many many people around me.
Maybe that is just a part of the mystery.. I think so , what do you think?
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
I'm glad God's not mad that I didn't go to church today..
Yeah, uh , I didn't make it to church (again) today...
I did have an ok day, I had to work ( as usual ) but, I didn't have to pick up one tract or defend my belief in Jesus as the Christ.. I did get pretty aggravated at one point and used some unsavory language. Actually , twice ( the second time was when I was alone though ) ..
I did get to see my wife and kids this morning ( all but my 15 year old son who was at his mom's and my 20 year old who is in jail but was just sentenced to 6 months in Cardinal house which is a drug treatment , life skills and psychiatric treatment center in ST PETE. )
But my 15 year old was here when I got home , I was really glad about that.
It was a long day , I am pretty tired. I will have to do it again tomorrow, only it will be worse.
But, that's ok. I'm used to this I guess.. Right now work is easier than home, not that home is all that bad , I'm just never quite sure where I stand and it seems like most of the people I really care about would probably just walk away from me if they didn't depend on me to help meet their needs.
I wonder how I got here? How do I get out of here?
This is not the life I want. But do any of us really get that? I mean does that happen really?
I'm not convinced, they nod & say yes, but I doubt it.
My ex-wife thought she would have the life she wanted ... Sad long story , but not what she wanted..
I don't know personally very many people who are actually happy.. Do these people exist?
I'm not sure..
I'm just glad that God understands and is with me. Because frankly, right now, this sucks and if I didn't believe that God is with me and does love me and has a purpose for my life that I just can't see right now because of all the crap, I would consider just blowing my brains all over this keyboard..
Yeah, I'm glad God's not mad that I didn't go to church today..
I did have an ok day, I had to work ( as usual ) but, I didn't have to pick up one tract or defend my belief in Jesus as the Christ.. I did get pretty aggravated at one point and used some unsavory language. Actually , twice ( the second time was when I was alone though ) ..
I did get to see my wife and kids this morning ( all but my 15 year old son who was at his mom's and my 20 year old who is in jail but was just sentenced to 6 months in Cardinal house which is a drug treatment , life skills and psychiatric treatment center in ST PETE. )
But my 15 year old was here when I got home , I was really glad about that.
It was a long day , I am pretty tired. I will have to do it again tomorrow, only it will be worse.
But, that's ok. I'm used to this I guess.. Right now work is easier than home, not that home is all that bad , I'm just never quite sure where I stand and it seems like most of the people I really care about would probably just walk away from me if they didn't depend on me to help meet their needs.
I wonder how I got here? How do I get out of here?
This is not the life I want. But do any of us really get that? I mean does that happen really?
I'm not convinced, they nod & say yes, but I doubt it.
My ex-wife thought she would have the life she wanted ... Sad long story , but not what she wanted..
I don't know personally very many people who are actually happy.. Do these people exist?
I'm not sure..
I'm just glad that God understands and is with me. Because frankly, right now, this sucks and if I didn't believe that God is with me and does love me and has a purpose for my life that I just can't see right now because of all the crap, I would consider just blowing my brains all over this keyboard..
Yeah, I'm glad God's not mad that I didn't go to church today..
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Relationships are really hard
They seem to be especially hard for me. I'm not sure if it is just my unrealistic expectations or if I am just socially challenged. But when I get close to someone(any one) it always seems to get complicated and messy.
I think a lot about what the future of my children is. I also think about my marriage and wonder if it will last even 1 more year. I really can't answer those either , I don't feel like I have a reference point that I can rely on to guide me in any of this chaos.
I have a son I have almost written off. He walked away from me and I let him and now he would like to come back and live with me, but I can't trust him. So, I have almost no contact with him.
I seem to wrestle every day with my gut reactions and preserving my relationships. If I just react the way I feel like reacting, I will have no one .
Sometimes though, it seems like I am losing myself because I stifle my emotions and reactions.
how do I avoid all of the pain I see coming? Can I? I hope so, doesn't really look good right now.
I think about God , I think about Jesus and the way he reacted while he was walking this earth.
Can I do that? Can I keep my passions and tell the truth without demolishing my entire life? I'm not really sure at this point. I often wonder what is most important, I am afraid even at almost 40 I still feel ill-equipped to deal with life at times.
I know I am a survivor, and I will find a way to live. But I also question that and whether that is even right in God's eyes. I really do want to please God and I really do love my family and I wish things didn't always have to be so hard. It seems it's my lot in life for stuff to just be hard and messy and complicated.
Most days I can barely pray lately. I used to pray as a discipline every morning for at least 30 min. followed by devotions and bible study. I don't think all of that is necessary , but I did think I was doing some stuff right then. Of course that could just be my own pride too. I remember just before I stopped doing this morning devotion that I would also look at the clock when I was done praying that morning, kind of like a little pat on my own back .So now I question even the motivation I had for doing it in the first place.
Maybe I was looking for protection or favor or that things would get better( which they did not by the way at least during that time in my life) . I was in a pretty broken place at that time , so maybe it wasn't all bad motives. But I did begin to get a sense of spiritual superiority because I was doing it. The key object in that sentence I think is "I". I was doing it, I felt it I studied it I prayed on it, I I I ....
Still even in my efforts to do for other's benefits It all seems to come back to I .
Maybe I am really that selfish and self- centered .. It could be what keeps ruining my life. Or it could be my big fat mouth?
Who knows?
They seem to be especially hard for me. I'm not sure if it is just my unrealistic expectations or if I am just socially challenged. But when I get close to someone(any one) it always seems to get complicated and messy.
I think a lot about what the future of my children is. I also think about my marriage and wonder if it will last even 1 more year. I really can't answer those either , I don't feel like I have a reference point that I can rely on to guide me in any of this chaos.
I have a son I have almost written off. He walked away from me and I let him and now he would like to come back and live with me, but I can't trust him. So, I have almost no contact with him.
I seem to wrestle every day with my gut reactions and preserving my relationships. If I just react the way I feel like reacting, I will have no one .
Sometimes though, it seems like I am losing myself because I stifle my emotions and reactions.
how do I avoid all of the pain I see coming? Can I? I hope so, doesn't really look good right now.
I think about God , I think about Jesus and the way he reacted while he was walking this earth.
Can I do that? Can I keep my passions and tell the truth without demolishing my entire life? I'm not really sure at this point. I often wonder what is most important, I am afraid even at almost 40 I still feel ill-equipped to deal with life at times.
I know I am a survivor, and I will find a way to live. But I also question that and whether that is even right in God's eyes. I really do want to please God and I really do love my family and I wish things didn't always have to be so hard. It seems it's my lot in life for stuff to just be hard and messy and complicated.
Most days I can barely pray lately. I used to pray as a discipline every morning for at least 30 min. followed by devotions and bible study. I don't think all of that is necessary , but I did think I was doing some stuff right then. Of course that could just be my own pride too. I remember just before I stopped doing this morning devotion that I would also look at the clock when I was done praying that morning, kind of like a little pat on my own back .So now I question even the motivation I had for doing it in the first place.
Maybe I was looking for protection or favor or that things would get better( which they did not by the way at least during that time in my life) . I was in a pretty broken place at that time , so maybe it wasn't all bad motives. But I did begin to get a sense of spiritual superiority because I was doing it. The key object in that sentence I think is "I". I was doing it, I felt it I studied it I prayed on it, I I I ....
Still even in my efforts to do for other's benefits It all seems to come back to I .
Maybe I am really that selfish and self- centered .. It could be what keeps ruining my life. Or it could be my big fat mouth?
Who knows?
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Work
Tonight was good . Stressful, but good.
Things aren't really any different at home but I am in a good
mood. I am pretty tired but wide awake. Why is it that I can be so tired
and so wound up after working all night? I don't think I'm alone in this.
For now, I will read a few more blogs, check some email and have some
semi-decent beer. Maybe I will be sleepy in a little while . I hope so
I would like to go to church again tomorrow I think. I'm not completely
sure about it but I do like it in this church at least I like some of
the things I have heard there. I wish I could find some more people to
really "Be" the church with , but I have yet to find those types of
relationships ( at least in a group setting ) .
I hope tomorrow will be good in some ways I dread it because
Sunday is usually bad at work. We shall see.
Peace
Things aren't really any different at home but I am in a good
mood. I am pretty tired but wide awake. Why is it that I can be so tired
and so wound up after working all night? I don't think I'm alone in this.
For now, I will read a few more blogs, check some email and have some
semi-decent beer. Maybe I will be sleepy in a little while . I hope so
I would like to go to church again tomorrow I think. I'm not completely
sure about it but I do like it in this church at least I like some of
the things I have heard there. I wish I could find some more people to
really "Be" the church with , but I have yet to find those types of
relationships ( at least in a group setting ) .
I hope tomorrow will be good in some ways I dread it because
Sunday is usually bad at work. We shall see.
Peace
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Holidays
Today was a really incredible day.
I got up & went to church by myself. It wasn't that bad, but I find myself really distracted and distant today in church. I think that's not really normal for me , especially on Easter.
There are many issues in my life at this moment that keep my mind occupied most of the time and I am not really focusing well on anything. But, it is getting better.
I did my best to spend some time with people that I love today. I wish they could love each other. Sometimes it seems like they do, then at others it's like being caught in between warring factions.
My life is pretty chaotic, sort of fitting for Easter I guess. How Chaotic must it have been for the early believers on that day? I am sure they were happy at the prospect of Christ being raised from the dead, but at the same time I bet they were afraid to let their hearts guards down and just believe it .
I am at this place personally where I know that God has spoken something to me about the situation, but I am always looking with my eyes and trusting my feelings . I have been lead down that path before, I find myself fighting it and giving in to it only to realize I am giving in again then trying to stand with more resolve than before.
This is really hard for me and frankly,
it sucks!!
I am realizing more that a "church" may not be the place for my worship. I mean I know that.
My life has to be worship, today only strengthened that need for change in me. I want to do the easy thing, I want to just go to a church and get preached to and get filled , maybe prayed for and go back to my life of ease.
If it were only that easy.
As I drove from the service this morning , I found myself in this dialog with God about what just happened. So what now? I'm not an organizer or a really charismatic leader of men. How and where do I find fellowship with people I can interact with and relate to? It seems very far from here. I am in like church mecca (Central Florida) you can't throw a rock without hitting a church building here. The thing that makes this even more real to me is the fact that I don't see people changing because of all the religion in this town. It seems very much out of context and ineffective to keep doing the same thing. Even personally, where I was once feeling like a church addict and I was getting fresh revelations every week, now it is leaving me kind of flat,kind of empty . Like it is just going through the motions and trying to be correct.
Maybe being right doesn't matter that much , or maybe it only matters when it comes to your heart.
Mine is breaking, but I am hopeful.
I still believe Romans 8:28 is true and in context with all times in history and all places and all circumstances.
This is ALL for my good and for all of us.
Happy easter I hope it was a really wonderful day for you all,
Peace Be With You
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
What's important? Really.
That's what I am asking myself today.
I did take some time for myself and with my 15 year old today I think it helped me to clear my mind somewhat. I am thinking about this Question," What would Jesus tell me to do right now?"
I really don't know for sure, but I think it has to do with love.
One thing that keeps coming into my mind the last few days is how to love. What do I need to do to love? How is that even possible? It seems really hard to not react with the urge that is inside me. An urge that pushes me toward an agenda of self-preservation. The urge that tells me to defend myself. No one can do that to me , they must not know who I am. I have been to the land of Killas & Gorillas and I lived, thrived even. I can be strong I have had to, don't make me prove it.
My natural reaction. My Flesh?
I think this is NOT what Jesus would do. I could try and justify what I want to do, in the ears of most people that I know pretty much anything I would do would be justified. But then there were people who told me I was justified in the Severe injuries I gave to the man I went to prison over .
That is another reminder as well, of how strong I was, how self sufficient how PROUD.
I am a living testimony of how pride comes before a fall. Check it out it's in proverbs somewhere.
Maybe If I can love , just simply love and not react in some irrational, emotional way I will get my family back. Maybe not.
Maybe My ends aren't the purpose of this at all. Maybe I will lose them all for good .
but , maybe, I might; learn something.
How to love. in the face of adversity, in the middle of my personal crisis I might learn to let that go and actually rely on God.
I mean I doubt I will actually learn ( given my track record) But, it could happen. ....
I did take some time for myself and with my 15 year old today I think it helped me to clear my mind somewhat. I am thinking about this Question," What would Jesus tell me to do right now?"
I really don't know for sure, but I think it has to do with love.
One thing that keeps coming into my mind the last few days is how to love. What do I need to do to love? How is that even possible? It seems really hard to not react with the urge that is inside me. An urge that pushes me toward an agenda of self-preservation. The urge that tells me to defend myself. No one can do that to me , they must not know who I am. I have been to the land of Killas & Gorillas and I lived, thrived even. I can be strong I have had to, don't make me prove it.
My natural reaction. My Flesh?
I think this is NOT what Jesus would do. I could try and justify what I want to do, in the ears of most people that I know pretty much anything I would do would be justified. But then there were people who told me I was justified in the Severe injuries I gave to the man I went to prison over .
That is another reminder as well, of how strong I was, how self sufficient how PROUD.
I am a living testimony of how pride comes before a fall. Check it out it's in proverbs somewhere.
Maybe If I can love , just simply love and not react in some irrational, emotional way I will get my family back. Maybe not.
Maybe My ends aren't the purpose of this at all. Maybe I will lose them all for good .
but , maybe, I might; learn something.
How to love. in the face of adversity, in the middle of my personal crisis I might learn to let that go and actually rely on God.
I mean I doubt I will actually learn ( given my track record) But, it could happen. ....
Thursday, March 06, 2008
there is nothing good to say
Right now , I totally hate my life. I wish it wasn't like this . But, it is.
I know it could be worse, Not having an easy time seeing that right now. I guess today is just one more shining example of how much I miss the mark, my laziness, my inadequacies, my general lack of life skills.
Yeah so I'm not the greatest parent, Who is? Show me some great example of the perfect parent and I'll show you some one who knows how to lie pretty good and has some skeletons in their closet. I feel pretty hurt and pretty mean right now. I guess for me they go hand in hand.
Maybe some sort of defense mechanism?
Yeah , you know I dropped out of high school, did a bunch of drugs, got married to young ,ended up in prison, alienated my kids, family and everyone else that mattered to me. Looks like I have finally screwed things up here until my new wife is pretty sick of me too. Well , I guess that is how my life is going to go.
I really thought that we had something that would endure, we are so strangely suited for each other. But I have one skill and that is messing everything up. So here I go again. The one woman who was Just nuts enough to want to make it with me through this life is tired of my crap too. Can't say as I really blame her.
I know it could be worse, Not having an easy time seeing that right now. I guess today is just one more shining example of how much I miss the mark, my laziness, my inadequacies, my general lack of life skills.
Yeah so I'm not the greatest parent, Who is? Show me some great example of the perfect parent and I'll show you some one who knows how to lie pretty good and has some skeletons in their closet. I feel pretty hurt and pretty mean right now. I guess for me they go hand in hand.
Maybe some sort of defense mechanism?
Yeah , you know I dropped out of high school, did a bunch of drugs, got married to young ,ended up in prison, alienated my kids, family and everyone else that mattered to me. Looks like I have finally screwed things up here until my new wife is pretty sick of me too. Well , I guess that is how my life is going to go.
I really thought that we had something that would endure, we are so strangely suited for each other. But I have one skill and that is messing everything up. So here I go again. The one woman who was Just nuts enough to want to make it with me through this life is tired of my crap too. Can't say as I really blame her.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Tagged?
Hmmm.
I'm not completely sure how I feel about this Kristen
tagged me for this meme and I haven't done this before , so I will probably screw it up(disclaimer aside let's begin!!)
=====================================================================
Here are the rules:
(1) Link to the person that tagged you.
(2) Post the rules on your blog.
(3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
(4) Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
(5) Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website
Seems simple enough Let's PARTY !!! WOO HOO!!!
Ok now for the six Non-Important things about me :
1. I am a high school dropout.
Yes it's true , here I am a real life statistic on my very own blog(isn't technology wonderful?).
2. I love to fish!! Yes I know , you can't believe it, seems surreal . Well ; almost
3. I am married to Kristen's sister !! OOps!! strike that that is IMPORTANT!! I knew I would mess this up. Sheesh.
3 #2. I am in close proximity to people who regularly use the word LOOPTID. Now that is what I call non-important.
4. it's 2:47 a.m. oh hold on that's not about me... ummm ( Quiet buzzing sound accompanied by burning smell) oh oh I know , I am baffled and at the same time infatuated by/with Linux .
I keep trying to break my old 450 mhz computer ( made by a company that no longer exists) by re-partitioning the disc and seeing what version of Linux I can actually run on it. So far Zenwalk is the winner, but I cannot for the life of me get my wireless adapter to work.
5. I love sushi!! I mean love like in a passionate , personal way. It has captivated me since I first tried some about 2 years ago. I know am the proud owner of a rice cooker and there are always at least a few sheets of nori seaweed in my kitchen cupboard. Sushi to me is like eating art. When it is done right , it is just as pleasing to look at as it is to eat it . Yes in my opinion Japanese people are strange( at least the ones I have met ) but I now look at a raw piece of salmon and start to salivate.
6. I play the guitar ... sort of ..
I really like to play worship music ( if & when I can find a song that I can learn in less than an hour) and when I was in prison I used to play during our chapel service sometimes.
I used to try to learn all of this lead crap , complicated riffs that hurt my fingers and my head, but I decided a while ago that it was a lot more fun to just be a hack. So a hack is what I am , but I do enjoy it and I make up songs on-the-fly for little boys with no pants on to run around the house to . Yep this is the life.
ok so now: I am supposed to tag some people not sure who yet but I will try it and see if they like block all future comments from me. I will tag a couple of Opera people
I am tagging 1.Cheryl because I am so jealous of her farm life and 2.Bev because I can I will also tag my new compadre via the internet 3.Wayno
Well that is all that I can come up with for now so I broke the rules a little * .
Hope you all have a great day and are increadibly blessed by my pointless post .
Peace
I'm not completely sure how I feel about this Kristen
tagged me for this meme and I haven't done this before , so I will probably screw it up(disclaimer aside let's begin!!)
=====================================================================
Here are the rules:
(1) Link to the person that tagged you.
(2) Post the rules on your blog.
(3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
(4) Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
(5) Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website
Seems simple enough Let's PARTY !!! WOO HOO!!!
Ok now for the six Non-Important things about me :
1. I am a high school dropout.
Yes it's true , here I am a real life statistic on my very own blog(isn't technology wonderful?).
2. I love to fish!! Yes I know , you can't believe it, seems surreal . Well ; almost
3. I am married to Kristen's sister !! OOps!! strike that that is IMPORTANT!! I knew I would mess this up. Sheesh.
3 #2. I am in close proximity to people who regularly use the word LOOPTID. Now that is what I call non-important.
4. it's 2:47 a.m. oh hold on that's not about me... ummm ( Quiet buzzing sound accompanied by burning smell) oh oh I know , I am baffled and at the same time infatuated by/with Linux .
I keep trying to break my old 450 mhz computer ( made by a company that no longer exists) by re-partitioning the disc and seeing what version of Linux I can actually run on it. So far Zenwalk is the winner, but I cannot for the life of me get my wireless adapter to work.
5. I love sushi!! I mean love like in a passionate , personal way. It has captivated me since I first tried some about 2 years ago. I know am the proud owner of a rice cooker and there are always at least a few sheets of nori seaweed in my kitchen cupboard. Sushi to me is like eating art. When it is done right , it is just as pleasing to look at as it is to eat it . Yes in my opinion Japanese people are strange( at least the ones I have met ) but I now look at a raw piece of salmon and start to salivate.
6. I play the guitar ... sort of ..
I really like to play worship music ( if & when I can find a song that I can learn in less than an hour) and when I was in prison I used to play during our chapel service sometimes.
I used to try to learn all of this lead crap , complicated riffs that hurt my fingers and my head, but I decided a while ago that it was a lot more fun to just be a hack. So a hack is what I am , but I do enjoy it and I make up songs on-the-fly for little boys with no pants on to run around the house to . Yep this is the life.
ok so now: I am supposed to tag some people not sure who yet but I will try it and see if they like block all future comments from me. I will tag a couple of Opera people
I am tagging 1.Cheryl because I am so jealous of her farm life and 2.Bev because I can I will also tag my new compadre via the internet 3.Wayno
Well that is all that I can come up with for now so I broke the rules a little * .
Hope you all have a great day and are increadibly blessed by my pointless post .
Peace
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Hope
This is going to be short because I am up too late once again. It seems like weeks since I have slept an appropriate amount. So many thoughts and my own emotions keeping me up at night. Not to mention the internet. Not that I have been productive in any way on the net. I just read a bunch of blogs go through a bunch of crap on ebay & craigslist that I don't need and don't buy .
I haven't posted in quite a while and the last one was kind of negative . I apologize for that. My Sister-in-law made me realize today that I am being a jerk. Yes my life is kind of screwed up, my son wants me to kill him and I feel at least 100 years old, but I am alive and I have people who love me and we had a London broil for dinner( with my wife's recent vegetarian-esqe diet that is a feat) .
I am struggling with my everyday life, but I am not giving up. My son is probably going to a house , normally for run-aways but for kind of a relax and regroup session. Actually it is a definite, he will go tomorrow. I am sad that this is what it takes , but our family counselor said that this is good and a sign there are still things here to work with. I hope he's right, because I feel like I am going to snap on my kid and that is not a good feeling. Maybe this time will be good for us all.
I haven't posted in quite a while and the last one was kind of negative . I apologize for that. My Sister-in-law made me realize today that I am being a jerk. Yes my life is kind of screwed up, my son wants me to kill him and I feel at least 100 years old, but I am alive and I have people who love me and we had a London broil for dinner( with my wife's recent vegetarian-esqe diet that is a feat) .
I am struggling with my everyday life, but I am not giving up. My son is probably going to a house , normally for run-aways but for kind of a relax and regroup session. Actually it is a definite, he will go tomorrow. I am sad that this is what it takes , but our family counselor said that this is good and a sign there are still things here to work with. I hope he's right, because I feel like I am going to snap on my kid and that is not a good feeling. Maybe this time will be good for us all.
Monday, February 04, 2008
a stinky poop place
Tonight seemed like a pretty long night. I was at work from about 12:30 today( I was supposed to go in @ 4 but I was asked to come in early when one cook whined and cried about being there or being sick or something and another one just outright called in). So ( especially after sleeping too late and missing church ) I had a real attitude when I got to work. Did I mention that my wife seem ALOT less than pleased when I left. Add to this that when I got there it wasn't all that busy.
But, we did end up doing a pretty good business for the day. I can't believe I missed church today. Although I think Johanna has all but given up on the idea of going to church with little kids anymore. I really wanted to go today and I missed it. No huge loss I guess, I am sure God will forgive me for a few missed church services. But I really like it there and they have sort of a Sunday school after the main service(which I can never attend because I always work on Sunday) and I was going to go to it this morning because I didn't have to go in till 4, Yeah right.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I guess I am wondering, what is going on with me? I have stress, we all do.
I am tired a lot of the time, pretty normal for me. I am just in this funk, seems like no one can see the good in me right now. Maybe that is just my perception of how things are, but it makes for a crappy week if you ask me.
Basically, I feel disconnected. Disconnected from God, my family, other people around me, like I just accidentally cut the tether between myself and the mother ship, I am slowly drifting away and there isn't anything to grab or push off of to send me back in that general direction.
It's dark and cold and lonely, you would think by now I would be comfortable in this place.
I'm not. It's a stinky poop place.
The very odd thing about this is, the more isolated I feel , the more of a tendency to isolate myself. Isn't that strange? I really want to go fishing , alone but I am way too tired right now.
Peace
But, we did end up doing a pretty good business for the day. I can't believe I missed church today. Although I think Johanna has all but given up on the idea of going to church with little kids anymore. I really wanted to go today and I missed it. No huge loss I guess, I am sure God will forgive me for a few missed church services. But I really like it there and they have sort of a Sunday school after the main service(which I can never attend because I always work on Sunday) and I was going to go to it this morning because I didn't have to go in till 4, Yeah right.
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So I guess I am wondering, what is going on with me? I have stress, we all do.
I am tired a lot of the time, pretty normal for me. I am just in this funk, seems like no one can see the good in me right now. Maybe that is just my perception of how things are, but it makes for a crappy week if you ask me.
Basically, I feel disconnected. Disconnected from God, my family, other people around me, like I just accidentally cut the tether between myself and the mother ship, I am slowly drifting away and there isn't anything to grab or push off of to send me back in that general direction.
It's dark and cold and lonely, you would think by now I would be comfortable in this place.
I'm not. It's a stinky poop place.
The very odd thing about this is, the more isolated I feel , the more of a tendency to isolate myself. Isn't that strange? I really want to go fishing , alone but I am way too tired right now.
Peace
Friday, January 11, 2008
The journey
Today was a good day. I mean it could have been worse. I was at work all day and I guess it was ok. I pretty much just deal with my job right now . I never really had a dream f being a restaurant manager I just ended up doing it so I could use what skills I do have to make a little more money than I was making. Since we have a household of 6 people right now and was 7 at one time, I felt we needed the security of that salary.
I guess there is no real point to this dialog except that I feel more and more that maybe there is something else I should be doing. The problem I guess is that I have made so many bad choices in my life that I don't have a lot of options.
I keep getting this sense that I'm not living out my faith the way I am meant to. I try to be as real as I can, not easy in the restaurant biz. It's actually part of the job to kind of fake like you love every person that comes in with money. Sometimes I really like my job, sometimes I really hate it.
I wonder how contextual my role in this place is. Does what I do every day make any difference at all in the world? Does my life make any sense in relation to the kingdom of God? I wonder.
I know that God is real, I know from personal experience that He cares about me. While He owes me nothing, not even an explanation or any kind of demonstration, He has taken the time and initiative to show me certain things , like for instance, love. So here I am , I find my self in a place where for the most part I did not plan on wondering if in fact God can use this mess that is my life. I think I already know He can, it just seems impossible to me sometimes. I wonder how many people feel the same way I do right now? I am confident that this is not the end of the story and that there are great things ahead. I just have really bad vision at times.
Peace
I guess there is no real point to this dialog except that I feel more and more that maybe there is something else I should be doing. The problem I guess is that I have made so many bad choices in my life that I don't have a lot of options.
I keep getting this sense that I'm not living out my faith the way I am meant to. I try to be as real as I can, not easy in the restaurant biz. It's actually part of the job to kind of fake like you love every person that comes in with money. Sometimes I really like my job, sometimes I really hate it.
I wonder how contextual my role in this place is. Does what I do every day make any difference at all in the world? Does my life make any sense in relation to the kingdom of God? I wonder.
I know that God is real, I know from personal experience that He cares about me. While He owes me nothing, not even an explanation or any kind of demonstration, He has taken the time and initiative to show me certain things , like for instance, love. So here I am , I find my self in a place where for the most part I did not plan on wondering if in fact God can use this mess that is my life. I think I already know He can, it just seems impossible to me sometimes. I wonder how many people feel the same way I do right now? I am confident that this is not the end of the story and that there are great things ahead. I just have really bad vision at times.
Peace
Sunday, January 06, 2008
I SUCK
Yes that's right folks you heard it here , ummm... well just now. I really do ask anyone, I am no good . Just thought I would let you guys know , thanks .
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
New Year
Man am I tired .
Last night we stayed up way too late ( watching Mystery Science Theater) and I had to work all day ,I did get to sleep in a bit though , so that was cool.
I am really hopeful for this year, I am trying not to put any huge expectations on any of us for this year but I am extremely hopeful.
I think it's going to be good, we have pulled all 4 of our (still living at home) kids out of public school. Johanna And I both agree that the way things are going here in public school is not what we want for our kids. So far so good , we haven't really done that much in the way of school yet , but they were going on vacation any way so we let them have a break. In the next few weeks we will see what unfolds in our home.
I also made a resolution to make no resolutions, usually they are just a set up for failure and why put yourself through that? I really don't see the point. I think that if I want to something about me or the way I do something the answer is not to wait for a new year, but to take that moment and decide to change it right then.
I am also very hopeful about my oldest son , who is in jail right now. I hope that God will apprehend him similar to how the police did. I know God has been working on him because prayers have been going up for some time for Tim. I just want him to be able to live a good life and to be able to look back and say it wasn't just a waste. I know inside he wants a good life , he has just been buying into the lies of the enemy and has royally screwed up his life, but I believe that it can change.
There are a lot of things that I would like to change in my life , not all are easy to do for instance I would like to work less. But, this seems extremely far fetched right now. I would have to change jobs( a very scary prospect for me) and I don't really have any great marketable skills. Sure I have a lot of good general knowledge and i can cook pretty good. But cooking is not the best occupation when you have 4 kids at home. I am a manager not because I love to manage or I like to tell people what to do, but because I can count on that paycheck to be at least so much every time. it's a trade off I guess. Of course if I could find a job with 401k, insurance and make like $15 per hour I would probably take it , especially if I could work days.
When I was younger I used to work for a pretty good company and work like 35-40 hrs per week. I really didn't know how good I had it. I had so much more free time, people often times don't realize how valuable that free time is. I used to take my canoe to work with me in the morning and if I got off early I would go fishing or just paddling around the mangroves for a couple of hours. Yep that part was pretty cool.
Any way I am looking at this year with optimism and trying to think about what I would like to see happen in this upcoming year. I know that my spiritual journey (and ours) is taking some new turns. The way I think about Church has been evolving for some time and my wife agrees with me for the most part. We didn't go to a church for a while just because of the difficulty we had getting there for an 8:30 a.m. service , plus the pastor that made us feel so welcome as a couple left and they still have no pastor.
I feel kind of like we gave up on them, but not really it was mostly just really hard for me to get there when I am usually working on Sat. night and @ noon on Sundays.
So, we found a church and we both think God has led us there. It has been a process and if a year ago some one had told me they were thinking the way I have been thinking , I would question their salvation, so much can change in a year.
So I guess that's where I am at. Big changes for our family , for our church, hopefully they will be good. Either way, we will press on and try to live the best way we know how.
Peace
Last night we stayed up way too late ( watching Mystery Science Theater) and I had to work all day ,I did get to sleep in a bit though , so that was cool.
I am really hopeful for this year, I am trying not to put any huge expectations on any of us for this year but I am extremely hopeful.
I think it's going to be good, we have pulled all 4 of our (still living at home) kids out of public school. Johanna And I both agree that the way things are going here in public school is not what we want for our kids. So far so good , we haven't really done that much in the way of school yet , but they were going on vacation any way so we let them have a break. In the next few weeks we will see what unfolds in our home.
I also made a resolution to make no resolutions, usually they are just a set up for failure and why put yourself through that? I really don't see the point. I think that if I want to something about me or the way I do something the answer is not to wait for a new year, but to take that moment and decide to change it right then.
I am also very hopeful about my oldest son , who is in jail right now. I hope that God will apprehend him similar to how the police did. I know God has been working on him because prayers have been going up for some time for Tim. I just want him to be able to live a good life and to be able to look back and say it wasn't just a waste. I know inside he wants a good life , he has just been buying into the lies of the enemy and has royally screwed up his life, but I believe that it can change.
There are a lot of things that I would like to change in my life , not all are easy to do for instance I would like to work less. But, this seems extremely far fetched right now. I would have to change jobs( a very scary prospect for me) and I don't really have any great marketable skills. Sure I have a lot of good general knowledge and i can cook pretty good. But cooking is not the best occupation when you have 4 kids at home. I am a manager not because I love to manage or I like to tell people what to do, but because I can count on that paycheck to be at least so much every time. it's a trade off I guess. Of course if I could find a job with 401k, insurance and make like $15 per hour I would probably take it , especially if I could work days.
When I was younger I used to work for a pretty good company and work like 35-40 hrs per week. I really didn't know how good I had it. I had so much more free time, people often times don't realize how valuable that free time is. I used to take my canoe to work with me in the morning and if I got off early I would go fishing or just paddling around the mangroves for a couple of hours. Yep that part was pretty cool.
Any way I am looking at this year with optimism and trying to think about what I would like to see happen in this upcoming year. I know that my spiritual journey (and ours) is taking some new turns. The way I think about Church has been evolving for some time and my wife agrees with me for the most part. We didn't go to a church for a while just because of the difficulty we had getting there for an 8:30 a.m. service , plus the pastor that made us feel so welcome as a couple left and they still have no pastor.
I feel kind of like we gave up on them, but not really it was mostly just really hard for me to get there when I am usually working on Sat. night and @ noon on Sundays.
So, we found a church and we both think God has led us there. It has been a process and if a year ago some one had told me they were thinking the way I have been thinking , I would question their salvation, so much can change in a year.
So I guess that's where I am at. Big changes for our family , for our church, hopefully they will be good. Either way, we will press on and try to live the best way we know how.
Peace
Friday, December 28, 2007
Yeah , that would be cool
I am up really early today , not sure why I just woke up @ 5 & I can't go back to sleep . So , that's ok, I would really love it if this very noisy cat would go somewhere though .
I haven't been getting that much sleep, but for some reason I can't sleep any more today. I guess I am thinking too much. I have been thinking a lot about different things. About my family about God about all the things that are wrong in this world. I guess if I let them my thoughts could just take over my life, some days they do.
Maybe I should think less, you know the old cliche ,"less is more" . Yeah .
Christmas was awsome, I really enjoyed my whole family except for my oldest son who is still in Jail. But I did get to hear from him that day and he sounded so much better than he has in a long time. Man I tell ya, when he is clean he is a completely different person. But the drugs take over. He is the kind of addict that you can't leave alone, you have to watch him every second and you never know what he is going to do next. He must be a real hoot to get high with.
The one thing that has caused me the most pain has been my inability to reach Tim. I used to make him go to church with me when he lived with me. I don't think it made a difference for him at all, maybe planted a seed in him, but over all I doubt that my forcing him to go to a place he hated was doing him any good.
Now he is in jail. I know how that is , it really sucks. Especially if you are like him and have no money and medical problems. They basically keep him in solitary confinement(it's the medical ward ) 23 hour lock down 1 hour out a day to go out to rec or make phone calls, no tv not much to do at all. The one thing this has done for Tim is made him stop and think . One thing about being locked up, you are forced to be alone with yourself. You can't drown your thoughts out with music or activity. Some times in prison you can get drugs, but I would estimate that this is fairly rare. Tim is in county, he is really extremely bored, I know.
He told me that he has been reading the bible, I hope he has , I mean I believe him, I just hope it is making some sort of sense or at least making him ask some reality questions. I don't think my son is well, mentally that is. At least when he is using (which was all the time) he shows all of the major signs of being a psychopath. He has no regard for anyone else. He hasn't thought about the ways he hurts people in a long time. I believe that somewhere in that boys head there is still a good person, I hope so. And you know as a dad , I can never shake that image of him as a child . My heart breaks for him because even though I know it is largely self-inflicted, he has a lot of pain in his life. I want it to stop, or at least become manageable for him.
I ask that if you read this , you would pray for Tim, Because you know what?I'm not ready to give up on him. I know he thinks I have , I know my mom and probably his mom think I have, but I haven't . I have come close , he can't live with me. But I will always love him , if he killed hundreds of people or became the most evil thing I could imagine (a lawyer) I would still love him. ( the lawyer thing was a joke, I was getting way too serious there) . Bottom line , I love my son. He is no different than any of the rest of my kids (including the one I did not provide any DNA for ) and I will always love him. I hope that some day we can have him around on holidays and maybe even some other times too. Yeah , that would be cool .
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I do also want to say that Christmas was really great in spite of the Tim thing and the fact that I was pretty broke (still am, I need to pay my electric today by 5 to keep the luxury of electric light). Because of some act of God in my favor I was able to provide my kids with the second coolest Christmas toy you can receive ( A drum roll would be appropriate here ) ************
*********** AIR HOCKEY!!!!!**************** and here it is in all of it's awsome wonder
I hope your Christmas was this cool.
Peace
I haven't been getting that much sleep, but for some reason I can't sleep any more today. I guess I am thinking too much. I have been thinking a lot about different things. About my family about God about all the things that are wrong in this world. I guess if I let them my thoughts could just take over my life, some days they do.
Maybe I should think less, you know the old cliche ,"less is more" . Yeah .
Christmas was awsome, I really enjoyed my whole family except for my oldest son who is still in Jail. But I did get to hear from him that day and he sounded so much better than he has in a long time. Man I tell ya, when he is clean he is a completely different person. But the drugs take over. He is the kind of addict that you can't leave alone, you have to watch him every second and you never know what he is going to do next. He must be a real hoot to get high with.
The one thing that has caused me the most pain has been my inability to reach Tim. I used to make him go to church with me when he lived with me. I don't think it made a difference for him at all, maybe planted a seed in him, but over all I doubt that my forcing him to go to a place he hated was doing him any good.
Now he is in jail. I know how that is , it really sucks. Especially if you are like him and have no money and medical problems. They basically keep him in solitary confinement(it's the medical ward ) 23 hour lock down 1 hour out a day to go out to rec or make phone calls, no tv not much to do at all. The one thing this has done for Tim is made him stop and think . One thing about being locked up, you are forced to be alone with yourself. You can't drown your thoughts out with music or activity. Some times in prison you can get drugs, but I would estimate that this is fairly rare. Tim is in county, he is really extremely bored, I know.
He told me that he has been reading the bible, I hope he has , I mean I believe him, I just hope it is making some sort of sense or at least making him ask some reality questions. I don't think my son is well, mentally that is. At least when he is using (which was all the time) he shows all of the major signs of being a psychopath. He has no regard for anyone else. He hasn't thought about the ways he hurts people in a long time. I believe that somewhere in that boys head there is still a good person, I hope so. And you know as a dad , I can never shake that image of him as a child . My heart breaks for him because even though I know it is largely self-inflicted, he has a lot of pain in his life. I want it to stop, or at least become manageable for him.
I ask that if you read this , you would pray for Tim, Because you know what?I'm not ready to give up on him. I know he thinks I have , I know my mom and probably his mom think I have, but I haven't . I have come close , he can't live with me. But I will always love him , if he killed hundreds of people or became the most evil thing I could imagine (a lawyer) I would still love him. ( the lawyer thing was a joke, I was getting way too serious there) . Bottom line , I love my son. He is no different than any of the rest of my kids (including the one I did not provide any DNA for ) and I will always love him. I hope that some day we can have him around on holidays and maybe even some other times too. Yeah , that would be cool .
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I do also want to say that Christmas was really great in spite of the Tim thing and the fact that I was pretty broke (still am, I need to pay my electric today by 5 to keep the luxury of electric light). Because of some act of God in my favor I was able to provide my kids with the second coolest Christmas toy you can receive ( A drum roll would be appropriate here ) ************
*********** AIR HOCKEY!!!!!**************** and here it is in all of it's awsome wonder
I hope your Christmas was this cool.
Peace
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Saturday night/ Sunday morning rambling
Today was a strange day for me. I'm not sure what is going on with me, but I feel like God is pulling on me in some way that I can't really figure out yet. What is it I am supposed to be doing?
I know that Something is going on here, I just don't see what my role is in this place where God has placed me. I can feel it , there is some thing , there is a purpose in all this madness. I have been listening to this series of talks about being missional and incarnational. This Michael Frost from Australia has been saying some things that are ringing true in my spirit. I can't deny that a lot in my own life must change and I find myself asking this question ,"Who am I?" . I don't really know, I know God has changed me I know that He has shown me favor in this life and has allowed some really hard (but maybe necessary) things to happen in my life.
So, I find myself here. Not a lot of planning went into this on my part. I am just trying to make ends meet the best I can I am not in love with my job , I wish I were but I do try to always remember that I am supposed to be holy and sinless. Really tough stuff.
I'm not good at being holy I am not sinless and I find that I really do want for more of the old sinful lifestyle I used to live.Who the hell am I kidding? I am still pretty sinful.
I can say , I love Jesus . I want to be more like him. I can say that I feel a burning passion to help , who ever it may be at different times with the things they need. I guess there are just times when I feel paralyzed, by my own guilt and shame, by my shortcomings. I am so not like Jesus, how am I supposed to be him to someone else? I really don't know, I pray that God will give me some direction in that.
Seems really complicated , but it's not it's just really hard.
Well , I am going to go get ready for church then I will go to work and try to be like Jesus . Especially on Sunday's it can be really tough to do with all that "church" crowd coming in leaving tracts and giving servers $2 tips for a $30 check. I am supposed to say ,"hey we aren't all like that , I don't look down on you ." But to follow actions that solidify the not yet Christian's position about Christianity or "church " people is pretty hard and it can get tiring
Peace be with you
I know that Something is going on here, I just don't see what my role is in this place where God has placed me. I can feel it , there is some thing , there is a purpose in all this madness. I have been listening to this series of talks about being missional and incarnational. This Michael Frost from Australia has been saying some things that are ringing true in my spirit. I can't deny that a lot in my own life must change and I find myself asking this question ,"Who am I?" . I don't really know, I know God has changed me I know that He has shown me favor in this life and has allowed some really hard (but maybe necessary) things to happen in my life.
So, I find myself here. Not a lot of planning went into this on my part. I am just trying to make ends meet the best I can I am not in love with my job , I wish I were but I do try to always remember that I am supposed to be holy and sinless. Really tough stuff.
I'm not good at being holy I am not sinless and I find that I really do want for more of the old sinful lifestyle I used to live.Who the hell am I kidding? I am still pretty sinful.
I can say , I love Jesus . I want to be more like him. I can say that I feel a burning passion to help , who ever it may be at different times with the things they need. I guess there are just times when I feel paralyzed, by my own guilt and shame, by my shortcomings. I am so not like Jesus, how am I supposed to be him to someone else? I really don't know, I pray that God will give me some direction in that.
Seems really complicated , but it's not it's just really hard.
Well , I am going to go get ready for church then I will go to work and try to be like Jesus . Especially on Sunday's it can be really tough to do with all that "church" crowd coming in leaving tracts and giving servers $2 tips for a $30 check. I am supposed to say ,"hey we aren't all like that , I don't look down on you ." But to follow actions that solidify the not yet Christian's position about Christianity or "church " people is pretty hard and it can get tiring
Peace be with you
Sunday, December 16, 2007
HeartAche
Tonight I am not feeling very well.
I met a man today , his name is Randy. Well that is what he told me it was anyway.
He doesn't look good at all and came into my workplace to warm up. He seemed desperate and ashamed , but he also had an element of pride about him. I tried to talk to to him twice today. The second time I was able to talk to him more, but both times he ended up walking away from me as if I was just trying too hard or coming too close, like with a wild animal, you can get so close but the moment they feel threatened they run. Randy ran . Once he ran with a cup of coffee and a cigarette, the second with a few dollars. I drove home crying , I don't know why other than I can see my self or one of my children or parents being like him. He was kind of dirty , but aren't we all? What was so threatening to him about me? Am I trying to hard? do I really care about this man? I don't know him, have never seen him before today. But I cried because of him and I got kind of angry at another person at my workplace for calling him a bum. Randy didn't ask me for one thing. He did say he came in to warm up because it is kind of cold outside tonight. It's not that cold, but Randy doesn't look well and he is very thin. I don't know when or if I will get this man off of my mind.
I'm not sure I want to.
Peace
I met a man today , his name is Randy. Well that is what he told me it was anyway.
He doesn't look good at all and came into my workplace to warm up. He seemed desperate and ashamed , but he also had an element of pride about him. I tried to talk to to him twice today. The second time I was able to talk to him more, but both times he ended up walking away from me as if I was just trying too hard or coming too close, like with a wild animal, you can get so close but the moment they feel threatened they run. Randy ran . Once he ran with a cup of coffee and a cigarette, the second with a few dollars. I drove home crying , I don't know why other than I can see my self or one of my children or parents being like him. He was kind of dirty , but aren't we all? What was so threatening to him about me? Am I trying to hard? do I really care about this man? I don't know him, have never seen him before today. But I cried because of him and I got kind of angry at another person at my workplace for calling him a bum. Randy didn't ask me for one thing. He did say he came in to warm up because it is kind of cold outside tonight. It's not that cold, but Randy doesn't look well and he is very thin. I don't know when or if I will get this man off of my mind.
I'm not sure I want to.
Peace
Monday, December 10, 2007
Old Souls
I just learned of this girl who ,in my opinion, has a very old soul. Amy Winehouse is a jazz/contemporary singer that I had never heard of before today.I am sort of out of the loop so to speak(I really don't watch t.v. and I mostly listen to christian radio when I do) I don't learn about a lot of trends until some one else tells me about it , or like today I stumble upon something that piques my interest.
I saw this article, about her mom issuing a plea for her to come home and they would help her get well.
Mrs. Winehouse, I can relate. I Have a son, 20 years old.
that's him in the foreground. He has a drug problem,further complicated by his diabetes. He was diagnosed at 18 months old , so it has nothing to do with anything he (or we ) did or didn't do about his health. He was just chosen to have diabetes. It has been a heartbreaking road. I still find myself dealing wit conflicting emotions about him. I love my son, I really wish I could trust him. I wish I could take the desire to get high away from him. He has stolen from every member of his family and gotten himself into trouble and seems to have no concern for anyone around him. I watched this video and it made me sad. Because I see my son in those eyes. Amy is 4 years older than my son Tim , I think their generation is crying out for help that we aren't sure how to give. I can't wave a magic wand and make this world less sad. I can't fix every broken thing. I can't change the past , I know that we as parents hurt our kids(I know I hurt Tim) but we can't change the past, we can only move forward.
I know that I have failed my kids in many ways over the years. I have always loved them and I have always wanted a good life them, yes even for Tim , even now.
How did these kids get to this point? How does such despair grip someone so young ? What is it that hurts this bad? It hurts me to see the pain in my son's eyes or to hear the pain in the voice of such a beautiful young girl. Why can't they see that they have a future? It's not over yet, there is a life out there for you.
PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP
I saw this article, about her mom issuing a plea for her to come home and they would help her get well.
Mrs. Winehouse, I can relate. I Have a son, 20 years old.
that's him in the foreground. He has a drug problem,further complicated by his diabetes. He was diagnosed at 18 months old , so it has nothing to do with anything he (or we ) did or didn't do about his health. He was just chosen to have diabetes. It has been a heartbreaking road. I still find myself dealing wit conflicting emotions about him. I love my son, I really wish I could trust him. I wish I could take the desire to get high away from him. He has stolen from every member of his family and gotten himself into trouble and seems to have no concern for anyone around him. I watched this video and it made me sad. Because I see my son in those eyes. Amy is 4 years older than my son Tim , I think their generation is crying out for help that we aren't sure how to give. I can't wave a magic wand and make this world less sad. I can't fix every broken thing. I can't change the past , I know that we as parents hurt our kids(I know I hurt Tim) but we can't change the past, we can only move forward.I know that I have failed my kids in many ways over the years. I have always loved them and I have always wanted a good life them, yes even for Tim , even now.
How did these kids get to this point? How does such despair grip someone so young ? What is it that hurts this bad? It hurts me to see the pain in my son's eyes or to hear the pain in the voice of such a beautiful young girl. Why can't they see that they have a future? It's not over yet, there is a life out there for you.
PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP
Sunday, December 02, 2007
A Church Home?
I think we may be onto something here. Today was the second week in a row that I attended Beacon Community Church . I had been there before a long time ago , my wife and I went there and for what ever reason we didn't keep going. We did attend a church where her Mom goes ,a Lutheran Church. So any way I have not been attending any church in months, I felt that it was just too hard to try after working Sat. night to get up for an 8:30 a.m. service and , ever since the pastor that married us left the church, things have not been the same. He really made us feel welcome as a family. There was utter & complete acceptance for our sometimes annoying bevy of children. In this one man I think we saw a demonstration of grace that we wanted to emulate and that made "me "want to be there anyway. It was always different after he left and I don't want to sound like I am following after a man, I really try not to fall into that trap.
At any rate we all went to church together this week and it was really good. God spoke to me last week in a way that made me want to come back for more this week and I prodded the other members of this household to go this week,which we did. And this week God spoke to my wife and myself in a special way. We both had the same thought(even though I didn't say it to her) that,"This is the right place for us". Let me explain a little:
One thing that we have both been thinking about is,community and what that might look like here ,now or maybe in the future. How can we play a role in that?
We also have been thinking about what we can change here , in our home to make a difference in our children's lives and our own.
I have started reading a lot of stuff about the Emerging Church, New Monasticism and Post Modernism.
I think that God has put it on our hearts to change the way we think about everything and we have found evidence that this is really what God is doing.
I say ,"I think" not because I doubt what God is telling me, but only because I don't want to make assumptions about what God is telling Johanna, she is her own person unique and different from anyone else .
I know for sure that we agree on much of this stuff. We also went to a David Crowder Band concert for our anniversary and we both love his work and message(especially "Remedy" their new cd) which also talks a lot about works, not that our eternal salvation is about works, but we need to change things. This world is not going to last for our children's children the way we are living and doing business.
So today we went ,the first Sunday of Advent and it was a communion service. I have not taken communion in months (in the Lutheran church we take it every service) and I really needed to be a part of that again, I need to be in a body of believers and be fed with God's word. So any way the "conversation" was about Hope and how that relates to the Christmas story. How we have made it some fairy tale where there is all of this awe & wonder but no despair , no fear. We celebrate Jesus' birth but miss the reason for celebration.
So it was about moving into truth , not denying there are problems or trying to ignore our circumstances but facing fears and and loss and grief . Going head on , hoping in God knowing He loves us and is with us and we will be ok. That God will not fix everything for us but we will be ok. because he cares about us . He will not race to stop every perceived injustice that makes us uncomfortable,on our time table for our whims. But he will rescue us. He may have a different plan than what we think , but his is better anyway.
Also , during communion the guitar player played a song that spoke to both of us . It was familiar , a song by David Crowder "surely we can change" that will tear your heart out and show it to you (especially if you are in the same shape I am in lately)and if you are a lover of God , at some point you will have tears welling up (if you listen to the words).
So , I look over at my wife and she is sobbing. And I could tell that she was Not just distraught but she was feeling like I was and that maybe this is a good place for us. Because our walk with God (I believe ) MUST be personal, and our focus should be outward,but we also need that rest ,that encouragement we get from a corporate worship experience. I don't think that this should be my focus (any longer) but I think I need to be strengthened by that setting ,by others who are trying to walk this path and live the way God wants us to.
So, maybe ; we have found a church home.
PEACE BE WITH YOU
At any rate we all went to church together this week and it was really good. God spoke to me last week in a way that made me want to come back for more this week and I prodded the other members of this household to go this week,which we did. And this week God spoke to my wife and myself in a special way. We both had the same thought(even though I didn't say it to her) that,"This is the right place for us". Let me explain a little:
One thing that we have both been thinking about is,community and what that might look like here ,now or maybe in the future. How can we play a role in that?
We also have been thinking about what we can change here , in our home to make a difference in our children's lives and our own.
I have started reading a lot of stuff about the Emerging Church, New Monasticism and Post Modernism.
I think that God has put it on our hearts to change the way we think about everything and we have found evidence that this is really what God is doing.
I say ,"I think" not because I doubt what God is telling me, but only because I don't want to make assumptions about what God is telling Johanna, she is her own person unique and different from anyone else .
I know for sure that we agree on much of this stuff. We also went to a David Crowder Band concert for our anniversary and we both love his work and message(especially "Remedy" their new cd) which also talks a lot about works, not that our eternal salvation is about works, but we need to change things. This world is not going to last for our children's children the way we are living and doing business.
So today we went ,the first Sunday of Advent and it was a communion service. I have not taken communion in months (in the Lutheran church we take it every service) and I really needed to be a part of that again, I need to be in a body of believers and be fed with God's word. So any way the "conversation" was about Hope and how that relates to the Christmas story. How we have made it some fairy tale where there is all of this awe & wonder but no despair , no fear. We celebrate Jesus' birth but miss the reason for celebration.
So it was about moving into truth , not denying there are problems or trying to ignore our circumstances but facing fears and and loss and grief . Going head on , hoping in God knowing He loves us and is with us and we will be ok. That God will not fix everything for us but we will be ok. because he cares about us . He will not race to stop every perceived injustice that makes us uncomfortable,on our time table for our whims. But he will rescue us. He may have a different plan than what we think , but his is better anyway.
Also , during communion the guitar player played a song that spoke to both of us . It was familiar , a song by David Crowder "surely we can change" that will tear your heart out and show it to you (especially if you are in the same shape I am in lately)and if you are a lover of God , at some point you will have tears welling up (if you listen to the words).
So , I look over at my wife and she is sobbing. And I could tell that she was Not just distraught but she was feeling like I was and that maybe this is a good place for us. Because our walk with God (I believe ) MUST be personal, and our focus should be outward,but we also need that rest ,that encouragement we get from a corporate worship experience. I don't think that this should be my focus (any longer) but I think I need to be strengthened by that setting ,by others who are trying to walk this path and live the way God wants us to.
So, maybe ; we have found a church home.
PEACE BE WITH YOU
The Weight : Noun 1. The vertical force exerted by a mass as a result of gravity.
I feel it pulling me , compelling me . I see darkness and I see light I wrestle with both compulsion and revulsion, disgust and hope.
I'm not sure where I stand.
I feel lost, but I feel like I can't be lost.
The need of immense love to fill the unfathomable depth of the sorrow.
The theme of this planet seems to be a slow funeral dirge that stabs humanity in our collective soul, bleeding , feeling faint, we are all like ashen statues empty lifeless shells of people with purpose, people who loved , people who hated now it is nothing. Abyss. The darkness is growing , this place is cold, the love is dying .
Why?
What will we do ?
What will I do?
Could I fly? Could we? Are we just men and women, fleeting ,temporary?
Is this it? Where is this kingdom we seek & why does it elude us?
Are we blind? Deaf? Dumb? What the hell is the problem exactly?
And why,
as introverted and selfish as I am,
is this heaviness pulling me down so?
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