Wisdom

Prayer,
that's one thing I am slacking in.
Not that my efforts are what matters. I think I know enough now to say that my efforts are squat. But that doesn't mean I should stop doing everything.
Not that my lack of spiritual discipline is the reason things continue to go pretty bad in my life. Things went bad when I was extremely disciplined. The big difference being I felt the right and almost the need to be morally/ spiritually superior(in my mind) and in turn condescending to people I should have been loving.
Now, especially in my lethargy (spiritually speaking) I feel like have no right to consider myself higher up than anyone. I do in some ways feel enlightened, but only because of the process of humiliating myself over and over again. Every thing I once considered concrete, turns out was shifting sand. But, I'm ok with that now. I can say I don't know and I can try to just love people instead of imparting some profound wisdom to them. Yeah, as if I ever was in a place where I could point to me as an example.
The thing is right now I feel a bit like I'm adrift on an unknown sea. Like I used to have something solid to stand on, but now every thing is kind of changing constantly and swirling around me, I feel a little sea sick I guess. I'm not sure what lurks in the shadows down there, I am intrigued and apprehensive about looking down there. Do I really want to know?
My whole life feels pretty chaotic and it seems like I am working really hard to get nowhere.
I wish I knew what I need to do to come out of this ok. For my kids to be ok. For my marriage to make it and for life to come back to some form of normal that I can count on. Is that a lot to ask? I don't feel like I really want a lot out of life. I want to be loved for who I am, I want to see our kids grow up to be healthy happy men who can adapt and handle life as it comes to them. I want to meet my grandchildren and have time to spend with them. I want to be able to live and enjoy the ones I love right now, not someday far away when I am too old to jump on a trampoline & not go to the hospital. I want to play my guitar loud and sing loud and chase little kids around with a box on my head. I want to live and it seems like life gets in the way a lot.
Maybe I am expecting too much. Maybe my effort is too little. I feel like it will never be ok and things will just continue to go wrong and I will never have peace, because this is what I have earned. A life of chaos and discontent and sad self loathing. Nothing seems to go right, for long.
I suppose that's reason enough to pray.
Oh I did take a couple of cool pictures yesterday, that wasn't so bad...

This really sucks

I'm feeling kind of unsatisfied with my life right now. I know that there are lots of people in the world who have it much worse than me and I tend to not do a lot about my circumstances, but still.
I feel like my relationship with my 15 year old son is broken beyond repair. Probably not , I mean God can fix anything right? But I'm not even sure why it is so broken to begin with. All I want is for us to have a happy family and to live together in peace. But he has seemingly checked out of family life. Maybe that is sort of normal but I hate it. I hate that my son doesn't trust me or want to spend any of his time with me. I have very limited time to spend and he is always gone, even when he is grounded. I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this..

This was the kid who wanted to spend time with me. This was the kid who loved me so much. I don't understand. I understand his brother's rebellion. But not this.
Where did I go wrong? What can I do to fix it? Can it be fixed? Is this how it will be forever?
All I know is, this really sucks..
Night

Oh Yeah

I also found this really good beer. Just thought I would mention it. I have never seen it before today, but I am pretty impressed. I think I could really get to like this stuff..
Have a great night.

T'was a long night

Ok so, that said I decided that I have not been writing enough so i am writing this now before I go to sleep. That is pretty much the time that I have most of my computer time. I use one at work sometimes but mostly for like , you know; work related stuff.
Yes ever since the time change, nights have been pretty special.
What I have found is that people's stomachs are not subject to time changes. Because the restaurant I work for closes @ 9:00 on week nights and during the winter business is mostly over after about 7:30 , not so now. We have been getting a nightly rush @ about 8:15 or so, really messing up my routine.
I can look forward to getting out at about 10:00 when the end is nice and slow. but this crap lately has me there later and later.
I suppose I should be happy I have a job, and I am. But man would I love to have a day job, not just a day and night job, but always nights. The thing is, we only have 3 managers and someone has to be there all the time. So, for now that is how it is.
Did I mention that I am very thankful for this job? I am , really. My boss is a good man that is very honest with me I think. Sometimes he seems a bit outdated in his thinking, but he is a good honest , hard working man (much more than I could say for my last boss).

I am also here now to express my concern for my son, again. I am planning on going to court tomorrow to have an ex-parte' put on him. It is pretty much like a Baker act. I am hoping to get him a mental evaluation through this.
I can't explain why he has been acting the way he has for the past few months. But, I am pretty sick of it and I think that loving my son is not letting him do what ever he wants at that moment. I am really frustrated right now with him. He always seems so distant and angry. The fact is I didn't do anything that he should be this angry.
I know life is not a bowl of cherries. But no one's is. I am just hoping that we can get things turned around for him before too long. I would so much rather be extending privileges to him. But I really can't right now. I am really sleepy now I think i need to go.. Good night all.
Peace

What a day

Happy Mother's Day!!!!
I know by the time anyone reads this MD* will be over, but I figured I would get that out of the way at least.
I had a hard day, not that work was that hard , but man was I tired and felt like crap all day.
It was really pretty slow for such a holiday. When I was working for a very well known restaurant chain MD* was the busiest day of the whole year. Apparently not for my current job.
It seemed like an excruciatingly long day and I felt as if I was caught between two dimensions all day to boot!
In layman's terms," it sucked" .
part of it was fatigue because I have barely slept in like two weeks and tomorrow I go to an interview about my 15 year old son with juvenile justice . It's gonna be a party!!! WOO HOOO!!!!!
So iam trying to make myself sleepy ( because of course I am wide awake now) by drinking beer and eating some frozen chimichangas with mole' all over them. They are delicious ( for frozen Mexican food) I just hope this combination works it's magic on me and I sleep soon.
As far as I know the women who I love the most in this whole world are having a fairly favorable opinion of me today ( I sure hope it didn't change) and that was a comfort.
Still is in fact, I do love my mom and my wife so very much. Most of the time they even like each other. I like that too.
God must have smiled on me a little any way.
Good night..

Tagged

OK, Sarah Tagged me for this meme (could some one tell me how to say that?) so here is my response.
It's called " The six word memoir" any way here are the rules:

1. Write the title to your own memoir using 6 words.
2. Post it on your blog.
3. Link to the person that tagged you.
4. Tag five more blogs.

Hmm.. Six words. ok here goes..

"Shaun: Trapped within his own mind"

I think I will leave it at that..
I tag:
Tera Rose

WaynO

Kristen

Erika

Johanna

You're it !!!!!!

GOATS, GOD & LOVE

This is Cocoa, he is a Nigerian dwarf goat and hopefully will be the father of coming Nigerian dwarf goats. We shall see what happens.
We also just got this other goat, as far as I know she is not named as of yet . I guess we are still working on a name. But, she is beautiful.

I am extremely happy to report that Cocoa has calmed down a lot ever since this baby girl arrived. There are a couple of female goats on the property across from us and I think this scent has partially driven him mad along with the fact that he came from a place where he had other goats to do goat stuff with. Cocoa has been a lonely boy for a couple of months(Oh he has dogs, but I don't think he really likes them much) and then there are a bunch of chickens ( more of an annoyance to him than companionship) .
So this is on our quest to live a slightly greener life by growing some of our own food and such. Hopefully baby girl goat will provide us with precious milk and we may or may not keep more goats. Also something still to be determine.

My wife is off with our neighbor this morning, being Jesus to people in need again.
One thing I love about her, she does this incarnational God thing kind of naturally. She would probably deny it, but to me that is what it is. She is always talking about being spiritually inferior to other people ( or eluding to their low opinions of her) but she just does it. She has her problems, but don't we all? Even those spiritually superior people ( of which I may be included in at times) are guilty of not loving her when they are looking at her as less than them.
Jesus said it so simply , as you have done unto the least of these. I think it's too simple for us sometimes. We are like," that can't be it" but, that's it... Love, That is all..

exhaustion

This is getting really stupid. I am barely sleeping and man is it catching up with me.
I am going to go try and sleep in a few minutes.
My son is getting more out of control , my marriage is iffy at best right now.
( the good news is my mom likes me this week)
oh yeah , we also got a goat this morning, I am not sure if this will benefit me at all , but what ever. We already had one, but we aren't getting any milk from cocoa ( be cause cocoa is a HE ) so we got a SHE. so I guess wee shall see what will be. SEE?

It's late & I'm lonely

Hi,
My name is Shaun.
I'm 39 I have grey & redish brown hair, I am 5'9" tall with a stocky build. I could use to lose a few pounds.
I also ( contrary to popular belief ) am not depressed..
I have my moments, my life is really hard and I tend to just let what ever is on my mind flow right out onto the page. But, I am not suicidal or even thinking about hurting myself or anyone else( except for my 15 year old son who frustrates me pretty much on a daily basis, But I do love him so).

So, if you were worried about me, I apologize, really.

I am not sure my life will ever be easy.I am not sure I would appreciate the good times if there weren't so many bad times.

There are people in my life that think my venting on this blog is a dangerous red flag for what is really going on under the surface. Good news!!! Nothing ( and I mean absolutely nothing) is going on here. Yeah I get sick of dealing with people's crap. Yes I get aggravated and impatient with people. Yes I get my feelings hurt and I am very disappointed.
But I am not without hope.
This should actually be really good news for you ( whom ever you may be) because, if I have hope, How much better off so many people in the world are.. Of course, I know there are so many that are so much worse off than me.
I guess that is one reason I am so hopeful. I believe that God is doing something that I can't fully understand in my life & the lives of many many people around me.
Maybe that is just a part of the mystery.. I think so , what do you think?

I'm glad God's not mad that I didn't go to church today..

Yeah, uh , I didn't make it to church (again) today...
I did have an ok day, I had to work ( as usual ) but, I didn't have to pick up one tract or defend my belief in Jesus as the Christ.. I did get pretty aggravated at one point and used some unsavory language. Actually , twice ( the second time was when I was alone though ) ..
I did get to see my wife and kids this morning ( all but my 15 year old son who was at his mom's and my 20 year old who is in jail but was just sentenced to 6 months in Cardinal house which is a drug treatment , life skills and psychiatric treatment center in ST PETE. )
But my 15 year old was here when I got home , I was really glad about that.
It was a long day , I am pretty tired. I will have to do it again tomorrow, only it will be worse.
But, that's ok. I'm used to this I guess.. Right now work is easier than home, not that home is all that bad , I'm just never quite sure where I stand and it seems like most of the people I really care about would probably just walk away from me if they didn't depend on me to help meet their needs.
I wonder how I got here? How do I get out of here?
This is not the life I want. But do any of us really get that? I mean does that happen really?
I'm not convinced, they nod & say yes, but I doubt it.
My ex-wife thought she would have the life she wanted ... Sad long story , but not what she wanted..
I don't know personally very many people who are actually happy.. Do these people exist?
I'm not sure..
I'm just glad that God understands and is with me. Because frankly, right now, this sucks and if I didn't believe that God is with me and does love me and has a purpose for my life that I just can't see right now because of all the crap, I would consider just blowing my brains all over this keyboard..

Yeah, I'm glad God's not mad that I didn't go to church today..

Relationships are really hard
They seem to be especially hard for me. I'm not sure if it is just my unrealistic expectations or if I am just socially challenged. But when I get close to someone(any one) it always seems to get complicated and messy.
I think a lot about what the future of my children is. I also think about my marriage and wonder if it will last even 1 more year. I really can't answer those either , I don't feel like I have a reference point that I can rely on to guide me in any of this chaos.
I have a son I have almost written off. He walked away from me and I let him and now he would like to come back and live with me, but I can't trust him. So, I have almost no contact with him.
I seem to wrestle every day with my gut reactions and preserving my relationships. If I just react the way I feel like reacting, I will have no one .
Sometimes though, it seems like I am losing myself because I stifle my emotions and reactions.
how do I avoid all of the pain I see coming? Can I? I hope so, doesn't really look good right now.

I think about God , I think about Jesus and the way he reacted while he was walking this earth.
Can I do that? Can I keep my passions and tell the truth without demolishing my entire life? I'm not really sure at this point. I often wonder what is most important, I am afraid even at almost 40 I still feel ill-equipped to deal with life at times.
I know I am a survivor, and I will find a way to live. But I also question that and whether that is even right in God's eyes. I really do want to please God and I really do love my family and I wish things didn't always have to be so hard. It seems it's my lot in life for stuff to just be hard and messy and complicated.
Most days I can barely pray lately. I used to pray as a discipline every morning for at least 30 min. followed by devotions and bible study. I don't think all of that is necessary , but I did think I was doing some stuff right then. Of course that could just be my own pride too. I remember just before I stopped doing this morning devotion that I would also look at the clock when I was done praying that morning, kind of like a little pat on my own back .So now I question even the motivation I had for doing it in the first place.
Maybe I was looking for protection or favor or that things would get better( which they did not by the way at least during that time in my life) . I was in a pretty broken place at that time , so maybe it wasn't all bad motives. But I did begin to get a sense of spiritual superiority because I was doing it. The key object in that sentence I think is "I". I was doing it, I felt it I studied it I prayed on it, I I I ....
Still even in my efforts to do for other's benefits It all seems to come back to I .
Maybe I am really that selfish and self- centered .. It could be what keeps ruining my life. Or it could be my big fat mouth?
Who knows?

Work

Tonight was good . Stressful, but good.
Things aren't really any different at home but I am in a good
mood. I am pretty tired but wide awake. Why is it that I can be so tired
and so wound up after working all night? I don't think I'm alone in this.
For now, I will read a few more blogs, check some email and have some
semi-decent beer. Maybe I will be sleepy in a little while . I hope so
I would like to go to church again tomorrow I think. I'm not completely
sure about it but I do like it in this church at least I like some of
the things I have heard there. I wish I could find some more people to
really "Be" the church with , but I have yet to find those types of
relationships ( at least in a group setting ) .
I hope tomorrow will be good in some ways I dread it because
Sunday is usually bad at work. We shall see.
Peace

Holidays

Today was a really incredible day.
I got up & went to church by myself. It wasn't that bad, but I find myself really distracted and distant today in church. I think that's not really normal for me , especially on Easter.
There are many issues in my life at this moment that keep my mind occupied most of the time and I am not really focusing well on anything. But, it is getting better.
I did my best to spend some time with people that I love today. I wish they could love each other. Sometimes it seems like they do, then at others it's like being caught in between warring factions.
My life is pretty chaotic, sort of fitting for Easter I guess. How Chaotic must it have been for the early believers on that day? I am sure they were happy at the prospect of Christ being raised from the dead, but at the same time I bet they were afraid to let their hearts guards down and just believe it .
I am at this place personally where I know that God has spoken something to me about the situation, but I am always looking with my eyes and trusting my feelings . I have been lead down that path before, I find myself fighting it and giving in to it only to realize I am giving in again then trying to stand with more resolve than before.
This is really hard for me and frankly,
it sucks!!
I am realizing more that a "church" may not be the place for my worship. I mean I know that.
My life has to be worship, today only strengthened that need for change in me. I want to do the easy thing, I want to just go to a church and get preached to and get filled , maybe prayed for and go back to my life of ease.
If it were only that easy.
As I drove from the service this morning , I found myself in this dialog with God about what just happened. So what now? I'm not an organizer or a really charismatic leader of men. How and where do I find fellowship with people I can interact with and relate to? It seems very far from here. I am in like church mecca (Central Florida) you can't throw a rock without hitting a church building here. The thing that makes this even more real to me is the fact that I don't see people changing because of all the religion in this town. It seems very much out of context and ineffective to keep doing the same thing. Even personally, where I was once feeling like a church addict and I was getting fresh revelations every week, now it is leaving me kind of flat,kind of empty . Like it is just going through the motions and trying to be correct.
Maybe being right doesn't matter that much , or maybe it only matters when it comes to your heart.
Mine is breaking, but I am hopeful.

I still believe Romans 8:28 is true and in context with all times in history and all places and all circumstances.
This is ALL for my good and for all of us.
Happy easter I hope it was a really wonderful day for you all,
Peace Be With You

it is really late

I think I don't sleep enough...
I should work on that.

What's important? Really.

That's what I am asking myself today.
I did take some time for myself and with my 15 year old today I think it helped me to clear my mind somewhat. I am thinking about this Question," What would Jesus tell me to do right now?"
I really don't know for sure, but I think it has to do with love.
One thing that keeps coming into my mind the last few days is how to love. What do I need to do to love? How is that even possible? It seems really hard to not react with the urge that is inside me. An urge that pushes me toward an agenda of self-preservation. The urge that tells me to defend myself. No one can do that to me , they must not know who I am. I have been to the land of Killas & Gorillas and I lived, thrived even. I can be strong I have had to, don't make me prove it.
My natural reaction. My Flesh?
I think this is NOT what Jesus would do. I could try and justify what I want to do, in the ears of most people that I know pretty much anything I would do would be justified. But then there were people who told me I was justified in the Severe injuries I gave to the man I went to prison over .
That is another reminder as well, of how strong I was, how self sufficient how PROUD.
I am a living testimony of how pride comes before a fall. Check it out it's in proverbs somewhere.

Maybe If I can love , just simply love and not react in some irrational, emotional way I will get my family back. Maybe not.
Maybe My ends aren't the purpose of this at all. Maybe I will lose them all for good .
but , maybe, I might; learn something.
How to love. in the face of adversity, in the middle of my personal crisis I might learn to let that go and actually rely on God.
I mean I doubt I will actually learn ( given my track record) But, it could happen. ....

there is nothing good to say

Right now , I totally hate my life. I wish it wasn't like this . But, it is.
I know it could be worse, Not having an easy time seeing that right now. I guess today is just one more shining example of how much I miss the mark, my laziness, my inadequacies, my general lack of life skills.
Yeah so I'm not the greatest parent, Who is? Show me some great example of the perfect parent and I'll show you some one who knows how to lie pretty good and has some skeletons in their closet. I feel pretty hurt and pretty mean right now. I guess for me they go hand in hand.
Maybe some sort of defense mechanism?
Yeah , you know I dropped out of high school, did a bunch of drugs, got married to young ,ended up in prison, alienated my kids, family and everyone else that mattered to me. Looks like I have finally screwed things up here until my new wife is pretty sick of me too. Well , I guess that is how my life is going to go.
I really thought that we had something that would endure, we are so strangely suited for each other. But I have one skill and that is messing everything up. So here I go again. The one woman who was Just nuts enough to want to make it with me through this life is tired of my crap too. Can't say as I really blame her.

Tagged?

Hmmm.
I'm not completely sure how I feel about this Kristen
tagged me for this meme and I haven't done this before , so I will probably screw it up(disclaimer aside let's begin!!)
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Here are the rules:
(1) Link to the person that tagged you.
(2) Post the rules on your blog.
(3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
(4) Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
(5) Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website

Seems simple enough Let's PARTY !!! WOO HOO!!!

Ok now for the six Non-Important things about me :

1. I am a high school dropout.
Yes it's true , here I am a real life statistic on my very own blog(isn't technology wonderful?).

2. I love to fish!! Yes I know , you can't believe it, seems surreal . Well ; almost

3. I am married to Kristen's sister !! OOps!! strike that that is IMPORTANT!! I knew I would mess this up. Sheesh.

3 #2. I am in close proximity to people who regularly use the word LOOPTID. Now that is what I call non-important.

4. it's 2:47 a.m. oh hold on that's not about me... ummm ( Quiet buzzing sound accompanied by burning smell) oh oh I know , I am baffled and at the same time infatuated by/with Linux .
I keep trying to break my old 450 mhz computer ( made by a company that no longer exists) by re-partitioning the disc and seeing what version of Linux I can actually run on it. So far Zenwalk is the winner, but I cannot for the life of me get my wireless adapter to work.

5. I love sushi!! I mean love like in a passionate , personal way. It has captivated me since I first tried some about 2 years ago. I know am the proud owner of a rice cooker and there are always at least a few sheets of nori seaweed in my kitchen cupboard. Sushi to me is like eating art. When it is done right , it is just as pleasing to look at as it is to eat it . Yes in my opinion Japanese people are strange( at least the ones I have met ) but I now look at a raw piece of salmon and start to salivate.

6. I play the guitar ... sort of ..
I really like to play worship music ( if & when I can find a song that I can learn in less than an hour) and when I was in prison I used to play during our chapel service sometimes.
I used to try to learn all of this lead crap , complicated riffs that hurt my fingers and my head, but I decided a while ago that it was a lot more fun to just be a hack. So a hack is what I am , but I do enjoy it and I make up songs on-the-fly for little boys with no pants on to run around the house to . Yep this is the life.

ok so now: I am supposed to tag some people not sure who yet but I will try it and see if they like block all future comments from me. I will tag a couple of Opera people
I am tagging 1.Cheryl because I am so jealous of her farm life and 2.Bev because I can I will also tag my new compadre via the internet 3.Wayno
Well that is all that I can come up with for now so I broke the rules a little * .

Hope you all have a great day and are increadibly blessed by my pointless post .
Peace

Hope

This is going to be short because I am up too late once again. It seems like weeks since I have slept an appropriate amount. So many thoughts and my own emotions keeping me up at night. Not to mention the internet. Not that I have been productive in any way on the net. I just read a bunch of blogs go through a bunch of crap on ebay & craigslist that I don't need and don't buy .
I haven't posted in quite a while and the last one was kind of negative . I apologize for that. My Sister-in-law made me realize today that I am being a jerk. Yes my life is kind of screwed up, my son wants me to kill him and I feel at least 100 years old, but I am alive and I have people who love me and we had a London broil for dinner( with my wife's recent vegetarian-esqe diet that is a feat) .
I am struggling with my everyday life, but I am not giving up. My son is probably going to a house , normally for run-aways but for kind of a relax and regroup session. Actually it is a definite, he will go tomorrow. I am sad that this is what it takes , but our family counselor said that this is good and a sign there are still things here to work with. I hope he's right, because I feel like I am going to snap on my kid and that is not a good feeling. Maybe this time will be good for us all.

a stinky poop place

Tonight seemed like a pretty long night. I was at work from about 12:30 today( I was supposed to go in @ 4 but I was asked to come in early when one cook whined and cried about being there or being sick or something and another one just outright called in). So ( especially after sleeping too late and missing church ) I had a real attitude when I got to work. Did I mention that my wife seem ALOT less than pleased when I left. Add to this that when I got there it wasn't all that busy.
But, we did end up doing a pretty good business for the day. I can't believe I missed church today. Although I think Johanna has all but given up on the idea of going to church with little kids anymore. I really wanted to go today and I missed it. No huge loss I guess, I am sure God will forgive me for a few missed church services. But I really like it there and they have sort of a Sunday school after the main service(which I can never attend because I always work on Sunday) and I was going to go to it this morning because I didn't have to go in till 4, Yeah right.
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So I guess I am wondering, what is going on with me? I have stress, we all do.
I am tired a lot of the time, pretty normal for me. I am just in this funk, seems like no one can see the good in me right now. Maybe that is just my perception of how things are, but it makes for a crappy week if you ask me.
Basically, I feel disconnected. Disconnected from God, my family, other people around me, like I just accidentally cut the tether between myself and the mother ship, I am slowly drifting away and there isn't anything to grab or push off of to send me back in that general direction.
It's dark and cold and lonely, you would think by now I would be comfortable in this place.
I'm not. It's a stinky poop place.
The very odd thing about this is, the more isolated I feel , the more of a tendency to isolate myself. Isn't that strange? I really want to go fishing , alone but I am way too tired right now.
Peace

The journey

Today was a good day. I mean it could have been worse. I was at work all day and I guess it was ok. I pretty much just deal with my job right now . I never really had a dream f being a restaurant manager I just ended up doing it so I could use what skills I do have to make a little more money than I was making. Since we have a household of 6 people right now and was 7 at one time, I felt we needed the security of that salary.
I guess there is no real point to this dialog except that I feel more and more that maybe there is something else I should be doing. The problem I guess is that I have made so many bad choices in my life that I don't have a lot of options.
I keep getting this sense that I'm not living out my faith the way I am meant to. I try to be as real as I can, not easy in the restaurant biz. It's actually part of the job to kind of fake like you love every person that comes in with money. Sometimes I really like my job, sometimes I really hate it.

I wonder how contextual my role in this place is. Does what I do every day make any difference at all in the world? Does my life make any sense in relation to the kingdom of God? I wonder.
I know that God is real, I know from personal experience that He cares about me. While He owes me nothing, not even an explanation or any kind of demonstration, He has taken the time and initiative to show me certain things , like for instance, love. So here I am , I find my self in a place where for the most part I did not plan on wondering if in fact God can use this mess that is my life. I think I already know He can, it just seems impossible to me sometimes. I wonder how many people feel the same way I do right now? I am confident that this is not the end of the story and that there are great things ahead. I just have really bad vision at times.
Peace