Saturday, December 20, 2008

My abusive life

Molly at Adventures in Mercy
wrote a really great post about abuse called: Letters to an Abused Soul: When Love is “No”.
I felt kind of inspired by what she wrote here and even though I know many people have dealt with much worse than I have, I have been in abusive relationships almost my entire life.
She talked in her post about how sometimes stopping the destructive behavior can be the most loving thing for all parties involved. She also made great points about how abusive people are not pure evil, how true repentance can make that person safe to be around again and how rarely that happens.
I was the one who turned into an abuser because of my helplessness to fix my situation and in an attempt to change the people in my life.
Abuse didn't work, not for me anyway and it finally led to me almost completely ruining my whole life and losing everyone I cared about.
I did ( after some very extreme consequences and a prison sentence) learn that stopping my abuser from hurting me was the most loving thing for me to do for everyone involved.
I remember when after many visits from my then estranged wife I finally wasn't angry at her for the things she said. I had been praying about it because I had visitation many times while I was in prison and I almost always got very angry with her and she ruined every visit with my kids up until that day. I was just asking for God to help me with my emotions and to help me be strong for my sons. That day I saw her, not as a manipulating emotional abuser; but as a fellow human being with weakness and fears and I actually felt sorry for her. From that day forward the whole dynamic of our relationship changed. There was no healing for the marriage(it was irreparably broken) but for me as a broken twisted child and I think in some sense for her too. After years of giving up my power, I suddenly had control over myself back ( or for the first time) just because I chose not to get angry with her.
I wish I had that chance with my dad.
I don't think I will ever be what some people call normal, but I am better than I was and I hope that my children never have to go through the self inflicted hell that I went through. I actually thought that was normal, it can still be hard to tell when some one is trying to manipulate me, but I do know what it's like to have someone in my life that cares about me and isn't abusive or manipulative.
It's almost like having a new life, one that is a lot more bearable.
Yeah I bought into the prosperity gospel stuff and I was so sure that God would heal my old life.
But you know, maybe my old life was never what God intended. Maybe, fixing my old marriage wasn't God's will. Maybe we all need to let people in these types of situations have just a little more grace and just love them instead of looking at them with advice about waiting for God to change the other person.
One thing I have learned about those kinds of prayers is, God rarely changed the other person because of our prayers; but He does change us if we let Him.


Maybe it's just Christmas blues, but I feel like crap.
I am trying not to let it get to me, so far I'm not doing so well.
This is going to be a pretty good Christmas I hope . I have plenty of family to spend it with and I am really happy about that.
But this is probably the all time poorest I have ever been (financially speaking) at Christmas ever.
I know I am missing the point of Christmas, I know. What I mean is, I'm not missing the point as much as it is blurred by my feelings of inadequacy.
I am sure my family will love me even though I can't give them much for Christmas, I also can't really afford to help anyone else out, and that makes me feel bad.
I know this is just a passing phase, I have been here before and I made it out. I'm pretty confident I will make it out again.
No matter how broke I am, at least I am not in prison for Christmas. Not much has been worse than that for me.
Anyway, I hope it is a really great Holiday for all of us and we all feel loved and needed.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


We made monkees tonight(well mostly Johanna

& the boys)And they came out pretty good I

Actually they are just cookies, but the kids

wanted to make Christmas cookies for the monks

that I work for and that is how they got the

name Monkees.
(Hey I thought it was pretty cute)

Life is so good here.Not to say that all in

my life is fixed but things are pretty good. I

really love living out here, even though I

don't get enough daylight hours to get a lot

done here right now.
We haven't gone to a church since we moved

though and that bothers me a little, but not

that much. This week I would have gone to our

old church but I had to work because we had an

extra 112 people to feed over the weekend and

I couldn't just let that go on without me

I am exhausted and a little cranky.
I am slightly frustrated with work. It just

seems that I get stressed and everything seems

bad to me. Things aren't as bad as they seem.

I do love working at the abbey and I really

love living here, but I feel like I am being

somewhat taken advantage of.But Things could

be worse, many people have lost jobs and I

quit my last one before this, because I felt

like I was being targeted as the next to be

let go as soon as they found someone to fill

my position.
This job was offered just at the right time

and I was so happy and scared at the same time

to make this change. It has been tough but not

all that bad and we aren't homeless yet :D
We also have this great place and wonderful

kids and too many cats(including one that was

here when we got here) unruly chickens and

even though things are hard at times, this

place and this lifestyle are worth trying to

keep. The kids and Johanna deserve it and we

think we can turn this into a really great

life. I hope so and I hope that every one of

my children (biological and otherwise) will

KNOW that I love them and will remember me

with warm fond thoughts.
I guess I should get some sleep now, Hope

you all have a great night.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008


It’s been a couple of pretty uneventful days (except for a small problem at work that I think is resolved for now) . We are closer to being at home in the farmhouse and we have many plans that will take time to realize, but I can see things slowly coming together.
One thing that has happened is I am having lots of computer problems. I am thankful that my laptop is still working ok (as of today) but my desktop that has most of my stuff on it has fried 2 power supplies and I am hoping that it can be fixed fairly inexpensively. I also had this old beast of a P3 that was running fine before the move but I haven’t been able to get it to boot up tonight & I just gave up on it a few minutes ago. I think I may have messed up the PS on it as well, but I am sure I can scab an old one to work in it pretty easily.
After all, this is one of 2 that I had from like 1999 when I got my first computer.
So I am not as aggravated with this one not working as my newer one that was pretty much the house computer until it died.
I have invested way too much in this machine already but I have a pretty new 320 gig HDD and a 160 gig HDD that have pretty much all of my photos and music on them and it seems that now almost everything is going to SATA instead of IDE and of course my 2 drives are the latter. Frustrating. Combine that with not much money and Christmas is coming WAY TOO SOON! Adds up to I may have an aneurism at any moment. (ok I am kidding about that, I mean I couldn’t really just cause myself one could I?)
Things are good though. We are working out how to handle this move and finances and it seems like we will be able to pull this off.
All in all life is good.