Friday, November 28, 2008

Thanks Giving

Our Thanks Giving day was pretty cool.
Johanna made a 22 lb turkey and I think we have almost half of it left.
My family all came out here to the new place ( the farm house) and we rode 4 wheelers and ate and drank coffee and the kids played and fought and in the end it was a great night and day.
I got to spend more daylight hours here than I have in a week and we got to explore a little more. We discovered a fire pit that we plan to utilize tomorrow night and we found that some Bees have taken up residence in the old shack that is down in front of the main house(this is sort of exciting to me since I am very interested in bees in general and I would like to start a couple of hives myself).

I think that in spite of all of the pressure and worry that consumes my thoughts lately, I have many things to be thankful for.
We have this new place and we can have as many animals as we like here, not to mention that everyone has their own bedroom and plenty of space to get away from each other if we need to.
I also am thankful that my second son(the recently troubled one) has a better attitude and seems to be doing better in general.
My oldest son is safe, for now.
All of the other kids are getting over colds, but they all seem to be doing ok including liking the new schools.
My wife is living in the same house as me for the first time in months.
She is also blissfully happy to be living here in the middle of nowhere with all of these cows around us ever day.
I have a pretty good job that doesn't pay enough but it is a job and unlike so many Americans I have not been out of work at all.
My brothers and sister are doing well and their kids all seem to be fine too.
I will not be rich ( at least in the next few years and probably never) But my family has what they need and we love each other.
I am really thankful that my life is what it is right now. I will do my best to enjoy this place and the ones I love.
I will try to remember why it is I work as hard as I do and treasure the people in my life, because that is what I am most thankful for.
As I look around me, I realize that God really does love me, it's so evident because I don't deserve this and yet here I am hopefully realizing a dream and staying here for years to come.
If not I will be ok, but I am very thankful today

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I am really tired

I need this day off. I mean I really need it. People keep telling me that I look tired. I am.
Too bad I have to be in court for my second felonious son. I hope this is going to turn out ok. I hope it will but I doubt it. This is only an arraignment but I am a little worried because I don't know what to do. I just want my kids to all be successful (not in a ,"I'm all rich & stuff" way but in a ,"look I can totally take care of myself in a semi-responsible way" kind of way). I really hope that works out for all of them not just the second one. The thing is I can't see past my own fear right now about any of this. I have an older kid who has managed to completely ruin his young adult life in a few short years and I just keep seeing the same thing happening with the second son and frankly, it scares the crap out of me. Not to mention the issues we have had pretty much since I got custody of these boys.
I made lots of mistakes when the were young. Lots. Heck I was 18. I was also a high school drop out. I had no idea what I was doing, I just knew it was important. I mean not important enough to listen to my mother, but really important. Still it is very clear now that I had no idea what I was doing and I am sure that fact weighs heavily on the choices they have made.
But I have been better, I am much better than I was and I know they see that and still they are both angry with me. Angry enough to make really bad decisions while I beg them not to be stupid. It's really frustrating and I feel like I have no control at all.
So bring it. I will face it, again. I will look at my own humanity again and I will see how powerless I am, even before they show me. Again.
I wish I could save him, But I think he has to want to be saved.
I'm pretty sure that's how that works and the only thing that I know of that makes people want to change, is consequences of their actions that no one can save them from. When you experience enough pain you will change, I think. I hope. I hope he has a low tolerance for pain, but I doubt that too.

p.s. If you feel like saying a prayer for me/son#2 or the rest of my family, feel free.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

The Winning Pumpkin

Here it is in all of it's 3 day old glory

So if you are in any way related to me you probably have already heard about our winning pumpkin I thought I would post a picture of it before it goes the way of the compost (or chicken feed).
We were very surprised to win this contest since it was done quickly and we really just had fun.
In fact we had a blast. His face is a little caved in but he is getting a bit soft. there are things carved out all the way around this is just that face that I carved. Johanna carved out most of the rest of it . The evil genius drew a face on the other side and Mom helped him carve it out. Then she took requests for items to put on the rest of the pumpkin, a bat, a spider, the moon a ghost and the word BOO! .
The real winners of this contest did a great job carving out the Headless Horseman, but they left before the judging and could not be located. So a second vote from the crowd made our kids the proud new owners of a Wii ! It was a really great night, even if we hadn't won we had a great time just carving pumpkins and getting hot chocolate spilled all over me. it was a party for sure, and it was to benefit the playground fund where my boys go to school.

Another thing that has been going on is we are probably moving. We found this really great place that is owned by the abbey that I work for. There is enough room there for us to have what ever animals we want and very private. our only close neighbors will be cows. It is so much closer to my job (I could get home in about 5-6 minutes) and it's like a dream come true for us.
This is a picture of the house

We really love this place and it is a great set up for our chickens plus we can add to the menagerie.
I wish I could say I will miss this neighborhood. I will miss some people here and I know we will be coming around here from time to time. We also plan on continuing to go to the same church that we have been near here. But that will mean 1 or 2 22 mile drives a week instead of at least 5. I am kind of stressed out and worried (even though I know that doesn't help) because we will be leaving my 16 year old son here, sort of.
We have had many many issues lately with him and he is in trouble with the law at present. I don't want to get rid of my son, but he has been acting extremely foolishly and we are waiting to see what is going to happen. Some good news we just got is that he is being charged as a juvenile, we were worried that he was going to get charged as an adult because he is 16 and they do it a lot thense days. So at least he won't end up in prison over this, he may end up in a residential program, but there isn't any help in prison. I also have a referral in to a local mental health facility where I hope to get a psych exam for him & possibly medication. This has been in the forefront of my thoughts for weeks now and the main reason I haven't posted anything much in weeks. Because I can't really focus on much and I am exhausted most of the time, feeling like I may just snap from the pressure. I haven't had anything good to say so I have been following Thumper's Mom's advice and saying nothin at all.
I am tired, I am sad that my boy who I love so much seems to be destroying his own life over nothing. I also know that God is good and all of this is somehow going to work for our good but it sure is hard to see sometimes.
I also am sad that when I set it up so the troubled boy can stay with his friend's family he was surprised that I was willing to let him and happy to go live with them. It made me feel not very important to him. But, I really think this could be a good thing for us and him. we shall see how it works out. I am worrying way too much and it's not like me really, but as my wife pointed out, I fear change. I do I admit it, even though I know change is good, I am almost comfortable in a crappy trailer in a crappy neighborhood with a kid on a self-destruct mission.
SO I guess that's it, sorry it takes me so long to post anything but I have a lot going on at the moment.