Sunday, June 29, 2008

A little hope

Yes, true story. I have just the smallest amount of hope for my relationship with my 15 year old son (and a little for his life not being ruined) .
I found out the other day that in spite of the judge's recommendation they are putting him in a diversion plan anyway. I am so glad because this means that if he can complete it,. he won't have a record at all and what he was arrested for, while illegal was not horrible.
I am so glad they are giving him this chance but he still has a ways to go, we shall see what happens now. The ball truly is in his court now, the results will depend solely upon him .

Also I got to spend a few hours with him yesterday,which is rare these days especially since he has not been coming home in like 2 weeks. He brought his friend with him and they helped us kill and dress16 chickens. They were the last of what my wife calls "the Bubbas" because they are freakishly huge and fast growing. These girls( we ordered all pullets) dressed out to like 6-7 lbs. each. Try finding those in your grocery store. If you do I bet they will be expensive ( since every thing is now).
So it was a great day and night. After we were done killing and cleaning up the mess, I asked them if they would want to go out to dinner with us ( I know neither of us wanted to cook after that) and they accepted . We went to a buffet A pretty good one actually( I have a real aversion to buffets in general) a Chinese place with not a lot of Chinese food. It was ok, and every one ate(very rare indeed).
So, I guess while we aren't out of the woods yet, there is some hope and a little bridge mending going on in my family. I know I should not be saying this stuff really , but I am very hopeful and no matter what, I love my son. I love them all and I want them all to know it. I am still only one man and I can't be everything to everyone or have unlimited time to spend with everyone. But I do with all my heart love all these kids. I hope they can see that and learn that they can depend on me.
My oldest is still waiting to be moved to a drug treatment center, but I am trying to keep up with letter writing. I know how important those are when you are locked up. It's solid evidence that someone does love you and is thinking about you. Phone calls are nice, but letters, you can pull them out and read them again and again.
So if you are reading this please join me in a little thank you prayer, because God gave me these kids and He can take them away. My life is meaningless without them.
Lord, Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

Monday, June 23, 2008

I'm not really a very good example right now

I have had approximately 4 beers ( a lot for me ) And I have the slightest buzz but I am going to post this any way.
Please forgive me if you are one of those people who can't drink alcohol.
the last few days have been a little chaotic and I am teetering on a for real depression.
My son 15 ( the idiot) has been home twice as far as I know, I did get to talk to him and touch him last night , but it still doesn't look too good. He is at a friend's house tonight as well. He has barely been home in 2 weeks. I feel powerless in the situation, seems that the state can't make him do any more than I can. so that is one issue.
Then there is Otis. Otis is the dog that my wife and I got on our 1 day honeymoon because we had a whole day and no one to take care of , so we needed a dog.
The day before yesterday, he bit one of the kids. not like a nip on the hand ( the boy is fine) but a for real bite, aggressive conflict over food bite. Like this is serious. If it was someone else's dog, I would just say kill him & be done with it. But this is my dog that loves me like you would not believe. He is one of 2 best dogs in the whole world. I can't stand the thought of putting him to sleep and I am afraid he will be scared and bite a stranger that tries to take him. So here we are. Johanna asked me if I would help pay for it if we found a vet to pull all of his teeth out. I am actually thinking that this is a way I can keep my dog, I know it is a selfish thing and The kid didn't deserve to be bitten. I also wonder about putting Otie through this much pain and what his quality of life will be without teeth. He loves rib bones.
There are other contributing issues to my depressed state,Like my wife living in a different house to get away from the kid who refuses to come home.
Ah yes life is grand at times.
I am still hopeful that things will get better and I am sure they will eventually.
I sure hope so.

Thursday, June 19, 2008


I am now thinking about this and I can't shake it so easily,
I read 2 blog posts that got me thinking and after a really long comment on one I decided that I should just write my own post.
So, here goes.
Jeff was talking about the difference in ascending and seeking. We need to seek God and His kingdom, but not try to ascend to it. Only God can make that connection successfully. He has to initiate it, He has to bring it about. We can build all the towers or temples we want but we
will never get to God on our effort.
My personal journey has been one of my effort giving way to grace , repeatedly over the years. Just when I think I've got it down, the rug gets pulled out from under my feat and my tower comes crashing down.
I see things a lot differently than I did a few years ago.
Some things have not changed: I believe that Jesus is The only son of God and our only hope in this life. I believe that he was crucified, died, buried and rose again on the third day.
I pretty much believe all of the stuff I learned as a small child in a Baptist Sunday school (except for that sinners prayer crap).
Now I do believe that we make a decision for Christ, but I think saying some words has little or nothing to do with it and certainly not just repeating what some public speaker is saying.
I think that good theology is important, but not the key. I think we can be very wrong and still make it to heaven and likewise very right and miss Heaven. I also question what has been ingrained in me about Heaven and wonder if God didn't mean something entirely different than what we reduce it to. Sure pearly gates and streets of gold sound good but that could just be the best description that John could come up with ( since he was just a man like me) .
I think that claiming to have all the answers is a sure sign of how far off the mark we are. At least in my life this has been true.
I have pretty much stopped attending "church" services because it doesn't help me do what is important. Because I feel like those same services ,for me are my golden calf.
I used to attend a large church in the area. I would serve as an usher, stay late, come early Put my kids and wife through hell because it was that important to me.
My efforts, how stupid.
I still ended up divorced, I still went to prison, I still ruined my own life and adversely effected the lives of the people that I said were the most important to me, my kids.
My effort is shit.
God has made all of the real changes that have taken place in me. There are a few like, I grew a heart. Like the way I feel when I see a small child now. Like the way I can't take the news any more. I just can't deal with it. I will never forget the look on my mom's face when she asked me if everything was alright because I was crying watching the news. There is too much weight in this life when it is just what you know about around you. the weight of the world can crush you if you let it. I also see the importance of loving those around me, that I didn't choose. My family my neighbors the people I meet at work or the grocery store. Trying to be Jesus all the time is really hard. It's kind of a relief to know that my efforts are pointless. Takes off a whole lot of pressure.
It also allows me to give someone else the benefit of the doubt. Turns out , their efforts don't matter either.

Sunday, June 15, 2008


Happy Father's Day!
I know I let you down sometimes, I know that I would be ashamed to call me son. But, You are always so patient with me and I want to thank you for that.
For always being there in my times of weakness and need. When I am just acting stupid and rebelling against you, your love is still constant.
Many times over you have proven yourself to me, not that you ever owed me an explanation but you are just so understanding of what it's like for me. You know how it is to be where I am.
I could never deserve the love you give me but you love me just the same because I am yours.
Thanks for that, I think you are really cool for that. Some people may look at you and see something different, they say you don't understand or that you are cruel or angry. Obviously they don't know you like I do. Because if you had cause to be angry, you certainly would have it with me. But every time come back having spent everything, dirty and ashamed, you never worry about getting dirty giving me a great big hug. You look past the filthy rags and matted hair, the incredible stink that must be on me that I can no longer smell from wallowing in it, and you see your precious son who you love who you would not let go. Ever.
Thanks for that .
Oh, uhh . I love you too.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

My day off

Today Is my day off , so I will make this short so then I can go back to spending time with Johanna and the kids.
This morning we got up slow, had some coffee, I helped with watering and feeding of animals and then we watched Bella together.
I thought this was a really well done picture with really incredibly powerful imagery.
In some ways I can relate to the story. We all have broken lives in some sense. Events in my life were similar ( though I think the main character's was worse than my own) but I have done time in prison, wrecked my own life and continue to deal with the consequences of the injury I have caused.
My family has paid as well, my mom, my oldest sons all paid a price for the decisions I have made. The good news? God is bigger than all of that. I can do stuff differently than I used to. I can choose love I can choose grace.
I could use some now and then too, But I think what is most important for me, is the way I freely give what has been given.
A lot of days my life really stinks. But I can still love someone or show them that they have some value.

Monday, June 09, 2008


Just to update the people who have read this blog recently, my son has come back.
I think I will hold off the celebration because we still have some distance to go.
I just hope that he will see that I am for him and not against him.
When you are 15 no one understands you, I remember that. But the main reason no one understands is because we don't make any freakin sense.
I hope this will all turn out ok & I will get my whole family back. I don't count on it, I don't think I could take the let down if I let my self believe that God will repair my family & then it doesn't happen. I already did that once and nearly lost my mind( I did lose my freedom and my right to vote and my right to bare arms{not that I did any way} And that wasn't pretty or fun) I also lost years of my oldest boys lives and I think that had a major part in creating the monsters that rage inside each of my older son's hearts.
Granted, their mother did not help the situation. But I still bare some of that responsibility.
I am tempted ( but I refuse ) to trash their mom right here. She is still actively not helping.
I think God that in the end , we are all accountable for our own actions or lack there of. He will judge each of our hearts( and does I believe) we will all answer for our own lives.
You know it sure would be great though if some bolt of lightning came down hit us all and we just "got it" that instant. If we could all just love each other the way we should.
I guess it's not just the problem with my family, but with the whole world.

oh , oh ..
Check out the hyacinth that is blooming in the little pond that Johanna built.. it's real pretty.

Friday, June 06, 2008


this is the most real thing I think about right now. My 15 year old has run away. He may just be staying away for a little while, but I haven't seen him in 2 days. I wish he would come home.
I reported him as a run away this morning with the sheriffs department.
Maybe I am completely wrong in the way I am going about this whole thing. But, I honestly don't know what to do about a son who will come in whenever he feels like it and not go to school or just skip a lot of classes.
I wish I could write about some spiritual truth that was revealed to me, but all I have in my head is this. My son who I love , is gone. He is probably ok, but I have no way of knowing.
I hope he is alright and will come home soon. I hope .