Monday, June 25, 2007


I just would like to apologize for the post I did have up here . I am going through a really rough time & getting kind of depressed about my life . I am thinking about trying to go for more counseling ,but I'm not too sure I can afford it or if it will really do me any good . I am a lot better than I was a few years ago , but I suppose that there are still times when I am fairly paranoid and neurotic. I am having trouble dealing with the separation in my family , more like division . Any way it seems I am always at odds with some one . Now my jealousy, because of the past betrayals I have dealt with is causing me & mine even more problems . I don't want to lose my family . I love all of my kids (even the ones that I didn't provide any genetic material for ) and I can't stand the thought of losing them or my wife who I believe to have been sent to me directly from God .
Why would He let me have all of this just to take it away?
So here I sit ,paralyzed by my own fear of the unknown and of my own inadequacy.
I don't think that anyone can really know what another person is thinking , and I know that we have our own individual life experience that shapes us . For me , just not losing it and hitting some one or something is a pretty good sign. But I am still far from where I want to be .
Still, I can't always be wrong can I?
I can't be the blame for every thing that's wrong in every one's lives .
Probably that is not what is meant by the icy demeanor of my favorite woman in the whole world . But , that sure is what it feels like .
I can't help the way I feel about some things and when people try to belittle me or mock me because they feel they are better or smarter , there is a little boy inside me that wants to lash out . I still have some real issues with the well of anger that erupts inside me . The good thing is I can control it now more than ever. I try to censor my words and actions , for the most part it works. I am not screaming or hitting or breaking things. I can be logical for the most part . Inside I still feel like a little kid , powerless .
What ever this post is , I hope that God is hearing me when I say ," I can't fix this ! or me! or anything!!" HELP!!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007


It's been a few days since I posted anything , so I figured it was time . I was off yesterday and I didn't accomplish much but that's ok I guess. I came home 2 days ago to a new puppy.
I really didn't want another dog right now ,but Johanna wanted it and it is half Great Dane (my all-time favorite breed) . So I guess we are keeping it . She named him Pinkerton(after the children's books ) not all that cool with the name either but hey , I can deal with it .
We didn't do much as I said , we did end the evening with some backyard splashing around in the pool . It was so hot , I can't believe how hot it was outside yesterday and from what I see this morning it is going to be another smoker today . Any way I have to work again today @ noon & I close again ( pretty much how it's going to be ) so I will have to leave them all behind for the rest of the night . I don't suppose it matters very much because no one here seems to like me much these days anyway . I hope I can get through tonight with relatively few problems .
I think I may need to take just a few days for me , disappear for a while , go fishing do something I want to do for a change . It gets pretty discouraging when no one approves of you . Not that I need it that much, but it is nice from time to time .

Tuesday, June 12, 2007


Well , I am back @ work today ,trying to figure out how I can be happy& support my family . I think I am just kind of burnt out on a lot of this restaurant stuff . I am thinking maybe I should have been like a ditch digger or something .
Any way , I had an awsome day off yesterday . We all went Blueberry picking & came back home for a few hours . Later we went over to my brothers house & swam for a couple of hours .
Nothing extraordinary happened , but it was a very relaxing night with my family & every one got along pretty well I think maybe that is the key , just to make the most of the time I don't have to work . But , great days off also make me wish I was at home when I am working . So who knows ? I am going to try to have the best attitude I can & see where that gets me

Monday, June 04, 2007

it's me

Ok , I give up .I want to apologize for the post I did have up here . I was feeling really sorry for myself and was pretty much just venting . The fact is, a lot of the time I feel pretty powerless an I an one heck of a placation artist not to mention a pretty decent enabler. So every once in a while when it looks as if things might fall apart I get kind of despondent.
Things could be worse than they are & I think Johanna is not going to leave me now . But one can never really be sure can they ?
I guess I have been hurt one too many times to believe that any one is all that devoted to me.
Today I went back to work after yet another day off. It wasn't a bad night . I wish I didn't work so many nights but it wasn't bad .
I also learned tonight that the guy who got my promotion at the job I recently left, got fired.
I am not happy that he got fired, I really like him and he is more qualified for the job than me .I am really pissed off though that they did this . First of all, I was told I had this job. Second , They told me they couldn't promise me that I would be able to get a raise in the semi near future. So I left , on good terms , but I did leave .
I plan on just dropping by to see what they are doing for a kitchen manager now , maybe they will come with some sort of offer for me . but then again , at this point I would need a really good offer to go back . I do miss it , that place was mine . I had my recipes on the menu and I had moved up from a cook to a supervisor to assistant KM . Any way I feel really bad that they fired the man . Even though I am kind of upset about the way they handled this whole thing , there is a tiny part inside me that wishes they would try to get me to go back . But for now , I am still a BBQ man .
Oh God , please forgive me for my selfish , self centered attitude and for not trusting you . You have provided so much , more than I need and all my family needs . I pray Lord you won't take them from me or let me be so pig headed that I lose them on my own.
Help me Lord , to focus on you , not like I have been (in my despair) but to just acknowledge you and to give you the credit that you deserve . Thank you for your unbelievable patience with me Lord .


Yesterday was a Pretty good day . We went to Key Vista park & just played around . The water was really high so the beach was pretty much under water . We did find some crabs & interesting rocks for little boys to investigate . There was also a peacock wandering around in the front of the park all day . I am pretty sure it must have come from a nearby home since peacocks are hardly indigenous to central Florida. It wasn't a bad day then we found out that a store near here had Key West shrimp for $2.99 lb so I went & got some & Johanna made her famous Spring Seafood Stew . It was (as always ) delicious & very filling . After that we went away to never never land & lived in peace & harmony for a thousand years. Oh yeah it was great .