Saturday, May 31, 2008


that's one thing I am slacking in.
Not that my efforts are what matters. I think I know enough now to say that my efforts are squat. But that doesn't mean I should stop doing everything.
Not that my lack of spiritual discipline is the reason things continue to go pretty bad in my life. Things went bad when I was extremely disciplined. The big difference being I felt the right and almost the need to be morally/ spiritually superior(in my mind) and in turn condescending to people I should have been loving.
Now, especially in my lethargy (spiritually speaking) I feel like have no right to consider myself higher up than anyone. I do in some ways feel enlightened, but only because of the process of humiliating myself over and over again. Every thing I once considered concrete, turns out was shifting sand. But, I'm ok with that now. I can say I don't know and I can try to just love people instead of imparting some profound wisdom to them. Yeah, as if I ever was in a place where I could point to me as an example.
The thing is right now I feel a bit like I'm adrift on an unknown sea. Like I used to have something solid to stand on, but now every thing is kind of changing constantly and swirling around me, I feel a little sea sick I guess. I'm not sure what lurks in the shadows down there, I am intrigued and apprehensive about looking down there. Do I really want to know?
My whole life feels pretty chaotic and it seems like I am working really hard to get nowhere.
I wish I knew what I need to do to come out of this ok. For my kids to be ok. For my marriage to make it and for life to come back to some form of normal that I can count on. Is that a lot to ask? I don't feel like I really want a lot out of life. I want to be loved for who I am, I want to see our kids grow up to be healthy happy men who can adapt and handle life as it comes to them. I want to meet my grandchildren and have time to spend with them. I want to be able to live and enjoy the ones I love right now, not someday far away when I am too old to jump on a trampoline & not go to the hospital. I want to play my guitar loud and sing loud and chase little kids around with a box on my head. I want to live and it seems like life gets in the way a lot.
Maybe I am expecting too much. Maybe my effort is too little. I feel like it will never be ok and things will just continue to go wrong and I will never have peace, because this is what I have earned. A life of chaos and discontent and sad self loathing. Nothing seems to go right, for long.
I suppose that's reason enough to pray.
Oh I did take a couple of cool pictures yesterday, that wasn't so bad...

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

This really sucks

I'm feeling kind of unsatisfied with my life right now. I know that there are lots of people in the world who have it much worse than me and I tend to not do a lot about my circumstances, but still.
I feel like my relationship with my 15 year old son is broken beyond repair. Probably not , I mean God can fix anything right? But I'm not even sure why it is so broken to begin with. All I want is for us to have a happy family and to live together in peace. But he has seemingly checked out of family life. Maybe that is sort of normal but I hate it. I hate that my son doesn't trust me or want to spend any of his time with me. I have very limited time to spend and he is always gone, even when he is grounded. I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this..

This was the kid who wanted to spend time with me. This was the kid who loved me so much. I don't understand. I understand his brother's rebellion. But not this.
Where did I go wrong? What can I do to fix it? Can it be fixed? Is this how it will be forever?
All I know is, this really sucks..

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Oh Yeah

I also found this really good beer. Just thought I would mention it. I have never seen it before today, but I am pretty impressed. I think I could really get to like this stuff..
Have a great night.

T'was a long night

Ok so, that said I decided that I have not been writing enough so i am writing this now before I go to sleep. That is pretty much the time that I have most of my computer time. I use one at work sometimes but mostly for like , you know; work related stuff.
Yes ever since the time change, nights have been pretty special.
What I have found is that people's stomachs are not subject to time changes. Because the restaurant I work for closes @ 9:00 on week nights and during the winter business is mostly over after about 7:30 , not so now. We have been getting a nightly rush @ about 8:15 or so, really messing up my routine.
I can look forward to getting out at about 10:00 when the end is nice and slow. but this crap lately has me there later and later.
I suppose I should be happy I have a job, and I am. But man would I love to have a day job, not just a day and night job, but always nights. The thing is, we only have 3 managers and someone has to be there all the time. So, for now that is how it is.
Did I mention that I am very thankful for this job? I am , really. My boss is a good man that is very honest with me I think. Sometimes he seems a bit outdated in his thinking, but he is a good honest , hard working man (much more than I could say for my last boss).

I am also here now to express my concern for my son, again. I am planning on going to court tomorrow to have an ex-parte' put on him. It is pretty much like a Baker act. I am hoping to get him a mental evaluation through this.
I can't explain why he has been acting the way he has for the past few months. But, I am pretty sick of it and I think that loving my son is not letting him do what ever he wants at that moment. I am really frustrated right now with him. He always seems so distant and angry. The fact is I didn't do anything that he should be this angry.
I know life is not a bowl of cherries. But no one's is. I am just hoping that we can get things turned around for him before too long. I would so much rather be extending privileges to him. But I really can't right now. I am really sleepy now I think i need to go.. Good night all.

Monday, May 12, 2008

What a day

Happy Mother's Day!!!!
I know by the time anyone reads this MD* will be over, but I figured I would get that out of the way at least.
I had a hard day, not that work was that hard , but man was I tired and felt like crap all day.
It was really pretty slow for such a holiday. When I was working for a very well known restaurant chain MD* was the busiest day of the whole year. Apparently not for my current job.
It seemed like an excruciatingly long day and I felt as if I was caught between two dimensions all day to boot!
In layman's terms," it sucked" .
part of it was fatigue because I have barely slept in like two weeks and tomorrow I go to an interview about my 15 year old son with juvenile justice . It's gonna be a party!!! WOO HOOO!!!!!
So iam trying to make myself sleepy ( because of course I am wide awake now) by drinking beer and eating some frozen chimichangas with mole' all over them. They are delicious ( for frozen Mexican food) I just hope this combination works it's magic on me and I sleep soon.
As far as I know the women who I love the most in this whole world are having a fairly favorable opinion of me today ( I sure hope it didn't change) and that was a comfort.
Still is in fact, I do love my mom and my wife so very much. Most of the time they even like each other. I like that too.
God must have smiled on me a little any way.
Good night..

Friday, May 09, 2008


OK, Sarah Tagged me for this meme (could some one tell me how to say that?) so here is my response.
It's called " The six word memoir" any way here are the rules:

1. Write the title to your own memoir using 6 words.
2. Post it on your blog.
3. Link to the person that tagged you.
4. Tag five more blogs.

Hmm.. Six words. ok here goes..

"Shaun: Trapped within his own mind"

I think I will leave it at that..
I tag:
Tera Rose





You're it !!!!!!

Monday, May 05, 2008


This is Cocoa, he is a Nigerian dwarf goat and hopefully will be the father of coming Nigerian dwarf goats. We shall see what happens.
We also just got this other goat, as far as I know she is not named as of yet . I guess we are still working on a name. But, she is beautiful.

I am extremely happy to report that Cocoa has calmed down a lot ever since this baby girl arrived. There are a couple of female goats on the property across from us and I think this scent has partially driven him mad along with the fact that he came from a place where he had other goats to do goat stuff with. Cocoa has been a lonely boy for a couple of months(Oh he has dogs, but I don't think he really likes them much) and then there are a bunch of chickens ( more of an annoyance to him than companionship) .
So this is on our quest to live a slightly greener life by growing some of our own food and such. Hopefully baby girl goat will provide us with precious milk and we may or may not keep more goats. Also something still to be determine.

My wife is off with our neighbor this morning, being Jesus to people in need again.
One thing I love about her, she does this incarnational God thing kind of naturally. She would probably deny it, but to me that is what it is. She is always talking about being spiritually inferior to other people ( or eluding to their low opinions of her) but she just does it. She has her problems, but don't we all? Even those spiritually superior people ( of which I may be included in at times) are guilty of not loving her when they are looking at her as less than them.
Jesus said it so simply , as you have done unto the least of these. I think it's too simple for us sometimes. We are like," that can't be it" but, that's it... Love, That is all..

Sunday, May 04, 2008


This is getting really stupid. I am barely sleeping and man is it catching up with me.
I am going to go try and sleep in a few minutes.
My son is getting more out of control , my marriage is iffy at best right now.
( the good news is my mom likes me this week)
oh yeah , we also got a goat this morning, I am not sure if this will benefit me at all , but what ever. We already had one, but we aren't getting any milk from cocoa ( be cause cocoa is a HE ) so we got a SHE. so I guess wee shall see what will be. SEE?