that's one thing I am slacking in.
Not that my efforts are what matters. I think I know enough now to say that my efforts are squat. But that doesn't mean I should stop doing everything.
Not that my lack of spiritual discipline is the reason things continue to go pretty bad in my life. Things went bad when I was extremely disciplined. The big difference being I felt the right and almost the need to be morally/ spiritually superior(in my mind) and in turn condescending to people I should have been loving.
Now, especially in my lethargy (spiritually speaking) I feel like have no right to consider myself higher up than anyone. I do in some ways feel enlightened, but only because of the process of humiliating myself over and over again. Every thing I once considered concrete, turns out was shifting sand. But, I'm ok with that now. I can say I don't know and I can try to just love people instead of imparting some profound wisdom to them. Yeah, as if I ever was in a place where I could point to me as an example.
The thing is right now I feel a bit like I'm adrift on an unknown sea. Like I used to have something solid to stand on, but now every thing is kind of changing constantly and swirling around me, I feel a little sea sick I guess. I'm not sure what lurks in the shadows down there, I am intrigued and apprehensive about looking down there. Do I really want to know?
My whole life feels pretty chaotic and it seems like I am working really hard to get nowhere.
I wish I knew what I need to do to come out of this ok. For my kids to be ok. For my marriage to make it and for life to come back to some form of normal that I can count on. Is that a lot to ask? I don't feel like I really want a lot out of life. I want to be loved for who I am, I want to see our kids grow up to be healthy happy men who can adapt and handle life as it comes to them. I want to meet my grandchildren and have time to spend with them. I want to be able to live and enjoy the ones I love right now, not someday far away when I am too old to jump on a trampoline & not go to the hospital. I want to play my guitar loud and sing loud and chase little kids around with a box on my head. I want to live and it seems like life gets in the way a lot.
Maybe I am expecting too much. Maybe my effort is too little. I feel like it will never be ok and things will just continue to go wrong and I will never have peace, because this is what I have earned. A life of chaos and discontent and sad self loathing. Nothing seems to go right, for long.
I suppose that's reason enough to pray.
Oh I did take a couple of cool pictures yesterday, that wasn't so bad...
6 comments:
Oh, yeah, I'm down with that.Um, I don't think any of us know what we are doing,or exactly how things will turn out(except Dr. Phil). There are people who are certain they know the exact spiritual path you should take, and exactly where you have failed, but none of them are anyone you'd say, want to take a 5 day road trip with. Love you(although I myself am fairly messed up, so I don't know how much good that will do you)for exactly who you are,right this second,even when you are really mad at me, and when I'm really mad at you.
Cap'n I am so in love with you it's CAZY..
Even when you are mad at me..
Thanks
It sounds like you two have love. Nothing much else really matters. Well maybe a wiener schnitzel you can sit on without staining your pants. To quote the Amish, "Kissin don't last, cookin do."
Try to ignore the bustle around you and concentrate on each other. If you don't, the results can be devastating. This is not advice speaking, it is experience.
"Not that my lack of spiritual discipline is the reason things continue to go pretty bad in my life. Things went bad when I was extremely disciplined. The big difference being I felt the right and almost the need to be morally/ spiritually superior(in my mind) and in turn condescending to people I should have been loving"
been there, done this too-
sounds like you got a pretty good grip on life if you're not in this spot anymore-
and oh- Dr. Phil doesnt know what the hell is doing either IMO-
LOL
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