Sunday, June 21, 2009
My brother took me out to the woods where we acted like kids and rode 4 wheelers for a few hours.
It seems my body doesn't like this kind of activity the way it used to, but I had a blast.
I came home looking like I work in a coal mine and sore from head to toe.
So, for me today was a little selfish but I don't think anyone suffered for me taking a few hours for myself.
Fathers day has been kind of bittersweet for me for most of my life. My father and I had a pretty bad relationship and he died when I was young so we didn't resolve any issues that we had with each other. I was very relieved when my dad passed away and I decided that no one would tell me what to do from that time forward.
In some ways it was good in others it was a self destructive path that I stayed on for many years.
I was angry at my dad for the way he treated me and I was angry for him not being there for me. I was angry at the whole world sometimes.
I tried to live my life the best way I knew how(or did what ever I felt like ). I got married , had a child ( I was only 18 when Tim was born) and tried to take care of them the best I could.
It took me until 1997 to forgive my father and let go of the anger that I harbored towards him.
When I did, it was like a 2000 lb. weight was lifted off of me. I found that it really is a lot of work to stay angry.
Sometimes now I even miss him, I didn't miss him for 16 years and then suddenly I was able to give myself permission to wish he was here.
And today I wish he was here to see my sons. To meet my wife and be as taken by her as I am.
I know now that just like me, he was doing the best he could. Sometimes that's not good enough.
I am sorry for imparting some of that legacy on to my children, I hope that they can see a better way sooner than I did. I don't think that we have to make the same mistakes our parents made. Not that all mistakes are even bad, but I don't want my boys to think that violence is the answer to anything. I don't want them to live inside a little box that they are afraid to move outside.
I now have hope, I didn't used to have that.
And I wish my dad could see that. I wish he was here so I could tell him Happy Father's Day Dad.
I miss you dad, sometimes.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Things are better than they were. I had a pretty good lesson in swallowing my pride and we didn’t have to move. I want to apologize to anyone who may be reading this who we seemingly imposed ourselves on during the last month. I will try to never do anything like that again.
Two really great things happened in that past couple of weeks: 1) Johanna got a job at a group home/day program for people with Cerebral Palsy 2) I worked a full week @ the University and I am really confident that they do want me back and went out of their way to offer me work for fear of losing me.
So we are on semi-solid ground with finances for now and I am less emotionally tapped than I was a few short weeks ago.
I think Johanna is too and even though our new schedules are going to be tough to work out, we will figure something out and start to get back into the black again.
Life is just a little too complicated for me some days. I have never been out of work before and I really don’t like that feeling, but I think I can learn from it and I can’t help but think that God is going to use this to grow something a little in me.
Meanwhile, I am trying to make plans (ha!) and relax and love my wife and kids.
It sounds uncomplicated but really for me it’s not.
I find that I am still a very self centered and selfish person, but I am a work in progress.
All in all, life is really good. The pool is almost clean and it is really hot here now, but life is good.
I hope yours is too.