Saturday, April 26, 2008

It's late & I'm lonely

My name is Shaun.
I'm 39 I have grey & redish brown hair, I am 5'9" tall with a stocky build. I could use to lose a few pounds.
I also ( contrary to popular belief ) am not depressed..
I have my moments, my life is really hard and I tend to just let what ever is on my mind flow right out onto the page. But, I am not suicidal or even thinking about hurting myself or anyone else( except for my 15 year old son who frustrates me pretty much on a daily basis, But I do love him so).

So, if you were worried about me, I apologize, really.

I am not sure my life will ever be easy.I am not sure I would appreciate the good times if there weren't so many bad times.

There are people in my life that think my venting on this blog is a dangerous red flag for what is really going on under the surface. Good news!!! Nothing ( and I mean absolutely nothing) is going on here. Yeah I get sick of dealing with people's crap. Yes I get aggravated and impatient with people. Yes I get my feelings hurt and I am very disappointed.
But I am not without hope.
This should actually be really good news for you ( whom ever you may be) because, if I have hope, How much better off so many people in the world are.. Of course, I know there are so many that are so much worse off than me.
I guess that is one reason I am so hopeful. I believe that God is doing something that I can't fully understand in my life & the lives of many many people around me.
Maybe that is just a part of the mystery.. I think so , what do you think?

Monday, April 14, 2008

I'm glad God's not mad that I didn't go to church today..

Yeah, uh , I didn't make it to church (again) today...
I did have an ok day, I had to work ( as usual ) but, I didn't have to pick up one tract or defend my belief in Jesus as the Christ.. I did get pretty aggravated at one point and used some unsavory language. Actually , twice ( the second time was when I was alone though ) ..
I did get to see my wife and kids this morning ( all but my 15 year old son who was at his mom's and my 20 year old who is in jail but was just sentenced to 6 months in Cardinal house which is a drug treatment , life skills and psychiatric treatment center in ST PETE. )
But my 15 year old was here when I got home , I was really glad about that.
It was a long day , I am pretty tired. I will have to do it again tomorrow, only it will be worse.
But, that's ok. I'm used to this I guess.. Right now work is easier than home, not that home is all that bad , I'm just never quite sure where I stand and it seems like most of the people I really care about would probably just walk away from me if they didn't depend on me to help meet their needs.
I wonder how I got here? How do I get out of here?
This is not the life I want. But do any of us really get that? I mean does that happen really?
I'm not convinced, they nod & say yes, but I doubt it.
My ex-wife thought she would have the life she wanted ... Sad long story , but not what she wanted..
I don't know personally very many people who are actually happy.. Do these people exist?
I'm not sure..
I'm just glad that God understands and is with me. Because frankly, right now, this sucks and if I didn't believe that God is with me and does love me and has a purpose for my life that I just can't see right now because of all the crap, I would consider just blowing my brains all over this keyboard..

Yeah, I'm glad God's not mad that I didn't go to church today..

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Relationships are really hard
They seem to be especially hard for me. I'm not sure if it is just my unrealistic expectations or if I am just socially challenged. But when I get close to someone(any one) it always seems to get complicated and messy.
I think a lot about what the future of my children is. I also think about my marriage and wonder if it will last even 1 more year. I really can't answer those either , I don't feel like I have a reference point that I can rely on to guide me in any of this chaos.
I have a son I have almost written off. He walked away from me and I let him and now he would like to come back and live with me, but I can't trust him. So, I have almost no contact with him.
I seem to wrestle every day with my gut reactions and preserving my relationships. If I just react the way I feel like reacting, I will have no one .
Sometimes though, it seems like I am losing myself because I stifle my emotions and reactions.
how do I avoid all of the pain I see coming? Can I? I hope so, doesn't really look good right now.

I think about God , I think about Jesus and the way he reacted while he was walking this earth.
Can I do that? Can I keep my passions and tell the truth without demolishing my entire life? I'm not really sure at this point. I often wonder what is most important, I am afraid even at almost 40 I still feel ill-equipped to deal with life at times.
I know I am a survivor, and I will find a way to live. But I also question that and whether that is even right in God's eyes. I really do want to please God and I really do love my family and I wish things didn't always have to be so hard. It seems it's my lot in life for stuff to just be hard and messy and complicated.
Most days I can barely pray lately. I used to pray as a discipline every morning for at least 30 min. followed by devotions and bible study. I don't think all of that is necessary , but I did think I was doing some stuff right then. Of course that could just be my own pride too. I remember just before I stopped doing this morning devotion that I would also look at the clock when I was done praying that morning, kind of like a little pat on my own back .So now I question even the motivation I had for doing it in the first place.
Maybe I was looking for protection or favor or that things would get better( which they did not by the way at least during that time in my life) . I was in a pretty broken place at that time , so maybe it wasn't all bad motives. But I did begin to get a sense of spiritual superiority because I was doing it. The key object in that sentence I think is "I". I was doing it, I felt it I studied it I prayed on it, I I I ....
Still even in my efforts to do for other's benefits It all seems to come back to I .
Maybe I am really that selfish and self- centered .. It could be what keeps ruining my life. Or it could be my big fat mouth?
Who knows?