Thursday, May 31, 2007
Today was another long day , not exciting ,ordinary, boring.It was a pretty average day for me . I did get some not good news , about my oldest son.
I talked to him early today & he said that they were thinking about doing open heart surgey on him. I am so affraid that he is going to die & will never get his life straightened out at all. I am afraid he will die young , alienated from the rest of the world , sad & lonely . I was not a good kid. Neither has my oldest been, when he was a young boy he was , but he has been in a lot of trouble & caused a lot of problems & heart aches for my entire family. Now what if he dies? what then?
Is this really how the story will end? Tim has caused a lot of problems , but I Love him . He is my son, if he was getting the electric chair I would still claim him . I messed up a lot as a father , but why is it so bad that he can't deal with real life?
I hope that any one who reads this will pray for him for healing , for strength , for life . I know he is legally a man . But in my heart I still see a little boy who crashes his bike & then cries ,"DADDY!!!" I loved that sound .
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Today is my wife’s birthday. It was a pretty good day, her mom took the kids overnight (my oldest was home but he is fairly self sufficient). We got to sleep in late and then took our time doing anything else for the morning. In fact we didn’t get much done at all but we did have a very relaxing morning then we went out for lunch. It was a great start to the day. Later Johanna went to the grocery store while I hung out with the kids out in the back yard. We have a small pool, a little larger than a kiddie pool so Mike and I swam while AJ was playing and hurting himself. Calvin was inside asleep.
Then later I cooked some burgers, green beans and sautéd some mushrooms. Now she is putting the little one to bed while the others are watching a dvd. I hope they all go to sleep soon, because it has been a pretty good day and that would be a great ending for it.
I’m glad she had a good day, I wish I could do more than I did for her but I really couldn’t. I thank God for a wife that so fits me, understands me and gives me some grace .
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
But , I have 3 younger boys who will all go through these years & there will be obstacles for all of them . I was a loner in school , I think I would have been one of those low impact kids who not too many people even knew who was . There were also the kids who will face physical & mental hurdles . I just felt for all of those kids in there & my own . Life is hard & it generally doesn't get any easier. I hope they all have the sense to see what they have before them & not waste it . But, of course most of them won't ,just like we didn't see it .
I was also thinking about my oldest son. He is far from me, at least in an emotional sense. He lives with his mother who I am divorced from . He is not really doing much with his life an I heard yesterday that he was in the hospital , but I don't know for sure. I just wish there was a way that I could help him with his problems. But, I think part of the problem is all the excuses that have been made for him & all the allowances that have been made for him . I can't help him live better . Most days I don't think I do very well myself. But I do care, it may not seem like it to him , or to others around him , but I do.
So every time something like a Graduation happens or like the funeral of an old friend about 2 weeks ago , I start reflecting on my own life & my own short comings.
I worry about my kids . I know it does no good , but I do just the same.
To some up yesterday , three words ; worry , regret and hope .
Monday, May 21, 2007
I really didn't do much this weekend , I didn't even make it to church because all three little kids got sick at the same time . I think every one is close to being over it now . I am very thankful no one got that ill & I am off tomorrow, HOORAH!!!!
Things are going better with my work situation , I still wonder daily if I have made the correct employment choices . But , you know I have been a lot worse off than I am now and things aren't so bad. Lots of people have to work a lot of hours to make a living . Why should I be an different?
I just think back a couple of years and I know that I have come a long way in a short time .
It was probably only 4 years ago now I was a dishwasher , I made like $6.50 an hour & went back to the work release center to sleep at night . Let me tell you , work release is worse than prison in some ways . There are so many stupid rules that don't make any sense. Yes you do get to earn money for when you get out , but it's like freedom on a leash . At least in prison you know where you stand . You will work for free , you will do what you are told , you will be bored out of your mind at some point on most days . Work release is all this plus , constant tension in the air. You always have to be on guard . You have officers who would love to send you back to prison for no reason but that they can . You also have to worry about your dealings with the public.
Did you know that one of the rules in work release is , you are not permitted to form personal relationships with anyone in your place of employment. I mean how do you do that exactly? There are many rules like that, that don't make much sense.
Any way I guess I feel like as bad as some days may seem now , I am not in prison.
I have a new family and a good job , food to eat, a home to come to that for once in my life is a sanctuary. I am home here . It's not really that nice but it's more about who is here than what is here or what kind of package it is in . God has been so good to me and he has given me more than I thought possible just a few years ago . There are so many that don't have the very basic things they need . I am truly blessed and so is my family .
Saturday, May 19, 2007
I am tired . I am sweaty . I am also wide awake , I hope someday son I can quit working nights . I don't really like to work nights , I am for now , it's not that bad , but I don't like it .
I thought I was almost past that stage of my life , then I changed jobs recently & now , well here we are. I am Working for Sonny's BBQ & I really like it , all but the night shifts . but , really most of our business is at night & we aren't open very late ,so it's really not the worst scenario it could be. I do miss my kids a lot though. Even if I am sometimes mentally not there & really tired I wish I was here to help my Lovely wife with getting them to bed . But, for now, I have to do this .
Is it important work? Not especially. Is it the dream job I always wanted? Not exactly. But I like it and it is paying my bills. Maybe some day I can move to Japan & become a sushi chef . Not this week . PEACE
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Well , there will be no picture of my toilet on here , but I will try my best to make this painless for all .
I am siting in front of this computer wondering where I am headed . What is my purpose ?
I thought I knew once , not really sure these days . I do know I had a great time with my 2 youngest boys today in their little pool . Turns out that is some of the best money we have ever spent . it was so relaxing too . Sitting in the water, letting them jump off of my back while I watch the chickens run around the yard & act like,well ; chickens . They are not very smart , but they sure can be entertaining . The fact is , I LOVE CHICKENS!!
I probably should join some kind of support group for chicken lovers . I feel like Gonzo the Great , a misunderstood misfit . When I start talking about the chickens , people look at me as if I had three heads . Has no one ever wanted really fresh eggs? Is it really such a bad thing to have all these dirty crazy birds? Maybe . I really don't care . I think it's really great that we don't have to buy eggs for months at a time . I also love to just watch them they are really cool .
well enough of that crap , hope you all have a great night & God Bless .
Monday, May 14, 2007
I guess when I read this tonight it kind of reassured me that the fact that I recognize my separation from God is a very good thing. If I were numb & saw no cause for concern my soul would be in far worse condition.
This was taken from You
I hope it is encouraging to someone else . Peace
This hunger is better than any other fullness;
this poverty better than all other wealth. (C.S. Lewis)
God comes to us not as food but as hunger, not as presence but as distance felt, not as fulfillment but as longing, not as love consumated but as desire enkindled.
God does not take away our loneliness but intensifies it.
God does not answer our questions but floods our souls with ever-expanding mystery.
God does not soothe that “old ache” but deepens it.
God does not open the door but prompts us to go on knocking.
For our hunger is a joyful longing.
Our hunger is God made present.
This is a hard paradox to hold, that God is in the emptiness, that hunger is better than fullness. I know that nothing in this world will satisfy my hunger for God, for union and communion, for love, but this hunger is joyful? It sounds like a Beatitude.
My false self wants to walk around this paradox, but my true self knows that it is true. I feel like Peter and the other disciples after Jesus had told them about eating his flesh and drinking his blood in John 6. “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.”
Kirvan adds this prayer on the next page:
Do not take away the hunger of my soul
or let me fill it with spiritual trifles,
ready to hand, sweet to the taste,
but good for only a moment’s satisfaction.
Deepen my hunger.
Enkindle my desire.
Come to me in the longing in my heart,
for in my emptiness you are present.
I am tired , nothing too unusual, just tired . I hope today will be restful & that we will get to do something fun together as a family. It's a challenge in this house , there is always some resistance to anything that we are trying to do . Little boys are tough sometimes (older ones can be a pain as well )I love all these kids though they are pretty much what I do . I know that my wife feels the same way , even more so , at least I get to go to work. I am still hoping that one of these days I will find a way to make enough money and still have a lot of time for kids & Johanna.
Yesterday was an ok day . I am still sometimes questioning my employment decisions . We had a good day at the restaurant , but I know that BBQ is not what most moms are going to want for Mother's Day. So far except for working all the nights I like my new job , though in some ways I wish I was still a cook .
I never had to work so many nights or so many hours before . Management can really suck sometimes . Dealing with people, while I think I am pretty good at it , can be quite a hassle . Growing up in general kind of sucks . I think I want to be like 6 again . yeah that was pretty cool.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
I know that everyone has to work sometimes .I just feel really lazy today .
I'm not sure why , other than I stay up too late & have for years . My life is kind of disappointing to me at times & then there are times when it is really good . Today I feel like I should be in a better place in life . But you know I have earned worse , so things aren't that bad .
I did get up & pray a little today , different for me lately . I used to pray almost constantly,not so much now . I also was reading Psalm 32 . I am reminded that my lack of prayer is one of my biggest problems with my current situation. Because I am not praying , I am not confessing , so I am growing old inside. That's not good .
I know from past experience that God is not going to force me to be happy , He will not shove himself down my throat . I have to come back to Him . I know He loves me I know He cares about the tiny details of my life & I ignore Him. I am not very much better than I ever was . Sure there are changes in me , there are a lot of things I used to do that I would never consider now , but there are many more things that need to change. Thoughts , the things I hide in my heart , the way I act when no one is looking . I need to remember that God is looking . I need to be more thankful .
Thank God He is soooo patient with me .
Friday, May 11, 2007
Today is a very smoky day outside . I guess we are experiencing a wave of smoke from wild fires in GA. & some in Fl. it makes going outside very unappealing.
It has been quite a while since I posted anything on here in fact I had to create a google account to access my blog . Wow! things do change fast . So I guess to update , Johanna & I did get married on Nov. 10th 2007 I am so happy that she did (in a moment of weakness) agree to go through with it.
I love her so much & life is hard with a blended family (or any family), especially in these troubled times . I have also since changed jobs , I am still a restaurant manager but not for the same place. I guess I will post a wedding picture since it has been so long . I hope anyone who sees it will like it . I'm the one in the tux :)
Have a great day & God Bless.