Happy Father's Day

Today was a good day for me and I hope it was for all the fathers out there.
My brother took me out to the woods where we acted like kids and rode 4 wheelers for a few hours.
It seems my body doesn't like this kind of activity the way it used to, but I had a blast.
I came home looking like I work in a coal mine and sore from head to toe.

So, for me today was a little selfish but I don't think anyone suffered for me taking a few hours for myself.

Fathers day has been kind of bittersweet for me for most of my life. My father and I had a pretty bad relationship and he died when I was young so we didn't resolve any issues that we had with each other. I was very relieved when my dad passed away and I decided that no one would tell me what to do from that time forward.
In some ways it was good in others it was a self destructive path that I stayed on for many years.
I was angry at my dad for the way he treated me and I was angry for him not being there for me. I was angry at the whole world sometimes.
I tried to live my life the best way I knew how(or did what ever I felt like ). I got married , had a child ( I was only 18 when Tim was born) and tried to take care of them the best I could.
It took me until 1997 to forgive my father and let go of the anger that I harbored towards him.
When I did, it was like a 2000 lb. weight was lifted off of me. I found that it really is a lot of work to stay angry.
Sometimes now I even miss him, I didn't miss him for 16 years and then suddenly I was able to give myself permission to wish he was here.
And today I wish he was here to see my sons. To meet my wife and be as taken by her as I am.
I know now that just like me, he was doing the best he could. Sometimes that's not good enough.
I am sorry for imparting some of that legacy on to my children, I hope that they can see a better way sooner than I did. I don't think that we have to make the same mistakes our parents made. Not that all mistakes are even bad, but I don't want my boys to think that violence is the answer to anything. I don't want them to live inside a little box that they are afraid to move outside.
I now have hope, I didn't used to have that.
And I wish my dad could see that. I wish he was here so I could tell him Happy Father's Day Dad.
I miss you dad, sometimes.
Peace

Update on us. My monthly post :D

Things are better than they were. I had a pretty good lesson in swallowing my pride and we didn’t have to move. I want to apologize to anyone who may be reading this who we seemingly imposed ourselves on during the last month. I will try to never do anything like that again.

    Two really great things happened in that past couple of weeks: 1) Johanna got a job at a group home/day program for people with Cerebral Palsy   2) I worked a full week @ the University and I am really confident that they do want me back and went out of their way to offer me work for fear of losing me.

     So we are on semi-solid ground with finances for now and I am less emotionally tapped than I was a few short weeks ago.

 I think Johanna is too and even though our new schedules are going to be tough to work out, we will figure something out and start to get back into the black again.

      Life is just a little too complicated for me some days. I have never been out of work before and I really don’t like that feeling, but I think I can learn from it and I can’t help but think that God is going to use this to grow something a little in me.

   Meanwhile, I am trying to make plans (ha!) and relax and love my wife and kids.

 It sounds uncomplicated but really for me it’s not.

I find that I am still a very self centered and selfish person, but I am a work in progress.

All in all, life is really good. The pool is almost clean and it is really hot here now, but life is good.

  I hope yours is too.

         Peace

Some thoughts for Sunday

Here it is Sunday,
I have been out of work for 2 weeks now and I am worried, But I'm not freaking out yet.
I will get unemployment, but it isn't enough and I am putting out plenty of resumes and filling out applications in 3 towns. I have an interview tomorrow at what I believe is an ALF and I just hope they don't need a clean background check. Apparently this is one of my main obstacles in finding work. Even for cooking jobs lately a lot of people want you to pass a background check, for low pay and a crappy job. It's like a bad dream to me. I have seen more than one dish washing job where they wanted a clean record.
What ever.
Johanna is also looking and filling out apps but so far we have nothing. Day labor really sucks too. I did it before (for one day) and I told myself ,"never again!" now I am considering it.
I do have this interview and a really good prospect with this steakhouse not far from here.
I may not be able to do a lot of things, but I can throw down in the kitchen. All I need is a chance to prove it and I am in, these days the chances are just a little more scarce.
The job I will go for tomorrow is for an assistant dining services director. I have never done that exactly, but I think my experience at the abbey and my management experience will give me a little leverage. I hope anyway. I am more hoping to get the steakhouse job. If it pays well that is.
I have been looking on Craig's List for jobs a lot and people are starting to upset me with what they are willing to pay for skilled labor. It's kind of sick. I actually got aggravated enough to send a guy an email about what he was expecting for $9 Per hour.
It was for like 25 hours a week too. I mean I think an owner or GM should at least be realistic.
In this business you definitely get what you pay for, sometimes you can get a deal; but not for that long.
Anyway I guess my situation is making me extra sensitive about what I perceive to be predatory hiring practices in such hard economic times.
because there are more people than jobs many are trying to take advantage of people who are in a tough spot.
makes me a little angry.
enough of that,
in other news;
we went to church today. It was cool, I guess. But being there today kind of solidifies my opinion about attending a weekly gathering.
I thought it was nice, but it bothered me that my youngest was off in another room so he didn't cause any problems. I also have a problem with the continually attractional tactics of institutions.
The sermon was really ok, about love being an action word and not being too internally focused as a church. I thought that was all pretty good the the pastor said something about sharing Christ's love with others so we could ge them to come to the church. That was where he lost me.
I mean really, is that the bottom line? Is the gathering place so important?
I don't think that should be our motive at all.
I don't see how learning to sit still for a service is such an important lesson.
I don't see how listening to someone speak for 30 minutes is going to change my life.
I also like things just a little more chaotic than the follow the program, shush, sit down, stand up, read this and do that model.
What is so strange to me is that I used to be that person that was dedicated to a place, a gathering, a pastor or a certain style of worship, so much so that I allienated people I really cared about.
Sometimes it seems like being a Christian is more about "Christianity" than it is about Christ.

Update on Us

Due to comments I wanted to post something about Johanna.
So far so good, she seems pretty good but we haven't been back to the doctor since her surgery.
We should know more next Wed. because they are supposed to have results from the tissue they took during the procedure.
We definitely need any one who can to pray about her health because I need her & her children need her a lot. She does really seem pretty good, there is more of an emotional thing going on than any physical ailment.
We are also both looking for jobs right now because I was laid off from the college for the summer and I haven't found anything yet. I did apply for unemployment, but that will take weeks to kick in, if they give it to me. I am really new at the unemployment thing so it is pretty scary to me.
if things get bad enough I will get a job doing anything at all before I let us go completely broke.
Johanna did take a class for her CNA test prep. But her test isn't till the end of this month and she hasn't found anywhere that will hire her without having the certification already.
All of that said, kids are all doing well. They are a bunch of wieners and they know it.
There has been a lot of playing in the pool and WII competition in our house.
I am actually amazingly calm about life right now, even though I have never been out of work before, except for when I was in prison.
I also know that I will find something soon or she will and maybe we both will.
I don't believe that God has brought us this far to leave us or let us fail out here. But who am I? It seems like a great place for us to raise these kids, But we do have to be able to pull it off or it won't happen.
At least we still could move back to NPR if we needed to. But neither of us wants that.
Well, I need to make some calls and I have an application that I need to fill out.
I hope you all are doing well. I think we are going to be ok.
Peace

Long time no see

Wow! I can't believe it's been a month since I last posted. But that's ok I have been pretty busy. My new job is going well & I am pretty happy here so far.
I am mostly writing this because I was talking with a family member on IM & I said that I was going to post this chicken video. Only, it's not chickens, it's eggs; being candled. So it is chickens, they just aren't finished yet. ok so here it is:





SO I hope those are entertaining. I was really amazed to see them moving around like that in the egg. We still have not successfully hatched any chickens, but we are getting closer & in the next few days we should get a few at least. We shall see.
if our incubation fails we do have one hen who is setting now and hopefully she will be a good mom. we may just take the chicks from the beginning anyway. or cage them all together.
Out here we have more problems with losing babies than we did in the neighborhood.

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On the job front, things are pretty good right now. I really like working at the university and I think they like having me there. We are getting lots of complements on the food and it seems like I will be able to stay here for a while ( as long as we can figure out what we are doing over the summer).
Not much farm action going on here except that we have a bunch of seedlings that will be ready to go in the ground soon. We also have a hive of bees but not a hive I set up, they just showed up. I try to keep the kids away from them(which isn't really hard, all you have to say is,"there's bees over there" and they pretty much avoid that area) but I love just going up and watching them. I have always been fascinated with bees and I really want to start keeping them. Right now it's just money holding me back, but I do already have some bees! I should post some pictures of them, they're really cool. At least I think they are, they are such amazing little animals.
I have been working every Sunday and we have pretty much stopped attending a church. The boys will go on Easter with grandma, and I guess that's cool. I think we sort of agree that "attending" a service is not the most important thing we can do. We pray together as a family and we teach our kids about God and we talk about Jesus, but we don't make them go to church every week because frankly, I for one think the effort involved in making it to a church meeting was not really worth the strain that it puts on us as a family. We all believe in God, We love Jesus, we just don't go to a "church" building all the time. I'm not saying it's the way to be or anything, but I think it's the right thing for us right now.
Any way, I hope you are all doing well.

Jobs and other enigmas

I haven't had a lot to say lately, so I haven't been posting.
I don't want to get into a negative state of mind so I am just going along, doing the best that I can.
I have changed jobs, I really like the new gig and I think there is some growth potential there. But, I work for a college. We get laid off in the summer and I'm not sure what to do about that. Times have been tough here until recently but we are pretty much caught up with all of our bills and we are considering getting a pony. Mike and AJ have started taking riding lessons and it seems like it would be a really great thing to do. I'm not completely sure, but I know where I can get a really great pony, for pretty cheap and it's close by. Besides, we are living on 5 acres now and that is enough room to have at least one horse, maybe even a few that are the size of this one.
I am worried though, Johanna is planning on taking a CNA course and I am quite sure she can get through that with no problem. But it's the actual working that I am concerned with. I hope she will be able to get a job that can fill the gaps. I think this new job could really pay off for me in the future, but I don't know if we will be able to pull of the summer thing unless Johanna can land a pretty good job in the time that I am off.
I don't take time off, I am not used to just working 40 hours anymore either. I am so tempted to try and get back into a management job, but that will ruin my family life and Johanna will be extrememly frustrated because it's like you are married to the job and you have to always be there.
There is the chance I could get into school during my time off too. It would be great to learn something else that can make me money over the summer.
It all seems like a pipe dream to me right now. I was talking to a guy that is opening a place that I used to work (that I really loved) and I could maybe try and work something out with him, but I have a few people telling me what a bad idea it is to even consider working at this place.
I just wish something was simple in my life, nothing ever is.
Other than that I am doing great.

Employment issues, one more time

Well,
it has been a while again since I posted, sorry if I let anyone down but I doubt that I really have.
I have had a pretty interesting time since my last post. I have confirmed that the person who was sabotaging my job ( or trying to) is pretty confident that I can be easily replaced, and in a way I hope I can. Because even though I have been told that I have nothing to worry about as far as my job is concerned, I am leaving .
I have put in at least a dozen applications and emailed probably a hundred resumes, with no response. Then, a job that I didn't apply for came to me.
I was worried about taking it & had to think & pray for a couple of days. I also had two conversations with key people in this situation that made up my mind for me.
So I am changing jobs again and I am a little afraid of what could happen.
I still wish there was a way that I could relax and stay at the abbey. I love it there and most of the monks do like me and they think I do a good job. But the fact is they put out an add for my job. I only found it because I was looking for a second job & it was a pretty anonymous add. I looked up the address to find out if it was a company or what it was and it turned out that it was my new boss. They had put an add out for my job after talking with me and I felt the conversation went very well and I could possibly work with this person.
Now I feel like I just can't risk this situation with 3 small kids at home while I am the only steady income.
It is amazing the way this job just surfaced though. I was thinking of going to the university to apply, but I hadn't yet and I'm not sure I would have. Then they came and offered me a job, while I was at work. Yeah that was pretty cool.
So I gave my notice last Wednesday, and I will work my first shift at the university next Sunday. I am pretty excited about the new environment and I feel like it will be far less likely that I will be randomly fired because some one thinks I have disrespected them.

Honestly, this is feeling a lot like a test of my faith and I don't mind admitting that , I FREAKIN HATE IT!!!!!!!!
But, as a very wise woman told me tonight,"I don't believe that God brought us this far just to bring us to ruin".
So I am try9ing to remember that He has been there, when there was no hope; He was there. When I was far from home and alone in prison with not even a letter from home for comfort, He was there teaching me, molding me and making me go through things that would help me after they were over even though they really sucked when I was going through them.
You know that the most important thing I learned was?
He loves me. Even when I am afraid, even when I doubt, even when I have the wrong answers or the wrong responses, when I am completely self centered and being as un-Christlike as I can possibly be, He loves me still.
Peace