Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Bitches ! it's a celebration!! Enjoy your selves..

Not doing that great these days .. I am trying to stay positive about life, but life gets in the way..
My job is ending with the company I have been working for because they lost the account at the school where I work.
As far as I know I won't be hired by the school because of my felony conviction.
I guess that's the way it goes.
Also lots of tension in my house lately because, well I'm not completely sure. I know my wife is really tired and so am I and it seems like every time I am in a job crisis she wants to start talking about how we need to split the bills as if we were room mates.
I feel pretty alone at this point, but I am working on it. I know things aren't always bad, but it seems like not one person is actually happy with me. I don't think I have taken advantage of Johanna but in some way she must think I have. Or at least that's what it feels like.

Darkness, that cold embrace.
Into her bosom I fall.
I never can see her face,
the cold consuming my all.
In a life I once lived there was joy.
A life filled with wonder and security.
the darkness has taken the dreams of the boy,
there remains a void filled with futility.
Pain makes lets me know I'm alive,
And I think that's what I want to be.
against all the sorrow I strive,
but I feel her icy fingers clawing me.
And her cold glower is drawing me.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Hello again

It's me,
been a while I know but I am pretty self absorbed most of the time so really it was to be expected.
So since this is all about me I thought I would mention my new dilemma.
I apparently have no empathy for my fellow humans or something like that.
I seem to be lacking in a particular area of my life.
Let me explain: My ex-wife recently passed away. I am not surprised really by this , I do feel sad for our 2 children, but I personally have almost no feelings at all about her death.
So (since it's all about me) this fact has really bothered me. Like, shouldn't I feel something?
I mean I was married to her for 15 years (we were separated for the last 3 years) and we dated (sort of ) for 2 years before that.
We married way too young and we grew apart over the years (we never really had a healthy relationship to begin with) and things got really crazy towards the end of our trying to make it work (actually since it is all about me I should point out that i felt & still do that I did most of that trying to make it work for my kids & my own security).
We had two kids together and a house and many experiences, I feel nothing.
Is that like even normal?
am I almost a psychopath?
I feel like I should feel something , but I don't I haven't spoken to her in probably a year and I never missed it at all.
I have to basically adult sons who have just lost their mom and I have barely spoken to either of them.. In fact my younger son I have tried to call and left messages for I still haven't talked to and she actually passed away on the first of April.
so I have lost some sleep over the fact that I haven't really been there for them in this. I don't know what to say or do to help..
It makes me think that there is a part of me that is damaged.
I shared a life with her and I feel no sense of loss, no empathy for her pain no anger only a tiny bit of self loathing that was already there actually.

I can say, I'm sorry she died. I am not sad, but I don't want anyone to die.
so I don't know how to end this but I will say that we had a lot of chaos & a lot of pain & we had some fun. We had to gorgeous boys who hopefully will end up being good and content men some day..

I guess I will see you on the flip side Diane Rest in Peace

Diane Calico

CALICO, Diane 38, of Hudson, died April 1. Survived by sons, Tim & Jacob; 1 brother, Terry; 1 sister, Ruth; grandmother, Ruth. Dobies F.H.-Hudson