Monday, April 12, 2010

Hello again

It's me,
been a while I know but I am pretty self absorbed most of the time so really it was to be expected.
So since this is all about me I thought I would mention my new dilemma.
I apparently have no empathy for my fellow humans or something like that.
I seem to be lacking in a particular area of my life.
Let me explain: My ex-wife recently passed away. I am not surprised really by this , I do feel sad for our 2 children, but I personally have almost no feelings at all about her death.
So (since it's all about me) this fact has really bothered me. Like, shouldn't I feel something?
I mean I was married to her for 15 years (we were separated for the last 3 years) and we dated (sort of ) for 2 years before that.
We married way too young and we grew apart over the years (we never really had a healthy relationship to begin with) and things got really crazy towards the end of our trying to make it work (actually since it is all about me I should point out that i felt & still do that I did most of that trying to make it work for my kids & my own security).
We had two kids together and a house and many experiences, I feel nothing.
Is that like even normal?
am I almost a psychopath?
I feel like I should feel something , but I don't I haven't spoken to her in probably a year and I never missed it at all.
I have to basically adult sons who have just lost their mom and I have barely spoken to either of them.. In fact my younger son I have tried to call and left messages for I still haven't talked to and she actually passed away on the first of April.
so I have lost some sleep over the fact that I haven't really been there for them in this. I don't know what to say or do to help..
It makes me think that there is a part of me that is damaged.
I shared a life with her and I feel no sense of loss, no empathy for her pain no anger only a tiny bit of self loathing that was already there actually.

I can say, I'm sorry she died. I am not sad, but I don't want anyone to die.
so I don't know how to end this but I will say that we had a lot of chaos & a lot of pain & we had some fun. We had to gorgeous boys who hopefully will end up being good and content men some day..

I guess I will see you on the flip side Diane Rest in Peace

Diane Calico

CALICO, Diane 38, of Hudson, died April 1. Survived by sons, Tim & Jacob; 1 brother, Terry; 1 sister, Ruth; grandmother, Ruth. Dobies F.H.-Hudson dobiesfuneralhome.com

4 comments:

sandwhichisthere said...

Shaun,
let it be. The past cannot ever be changed. Don't beat yourself up about it. Your feelings are your feelings. They may change in the future. You did the best that you could under trying times.
"When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary calls to me. There will be an answer, Let it Be.".

Kansas Bob said...

Grieving is different for everyone Shaun because loss affects people differently. Someone who interacts daily will grieve differently than someone who interacted less often because the loss is more direct for one of them.

My mom passed away in January and my two sisters were hit hard because they saw her a lot. I was not hit as hard since she lived in New Jersey and, even though we regularly spoke on the phone, I hadn't seen her in a few years.

I do hope that you find a way to connect with your sons and come to a place where you can celebrate the times that you once shared and find a way to be close in the future.

All the Best, Bob

HomeBaseIncome said...

Yes, grieving is different for everyone.

All you can do is try to touch base with your kids. If they decide not to touch base it's their decisions they will come to realize they have to live with.

Good luck and hope you have better times to come.

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