Relationships are really hard
They seem to be especially hard for me. I'm not sure if it is just my unrealistic expectations or if I am just socially challenged. But when I get close to someone(any one) it always seems to get complicated and messy.
I think a lot about what the future of my children is. I also think about my marriage and wonder if it will last even 1 more year. I really can't answer those either , I don't feel like I have a reference point that I can rely on to guide me in any of this chaos.
I have a son I have almost written off. He walked away from me and I let him and now he would like to come back and live with me, but I can't trust him. So, I have almost no contact with him.
I seem to wrestle every day with my gut reactions and preserving my relationships. If I just react the way I feel like reacting, I will have no one .
Sometimes though, it seems like I am losing myself because I stifle my emotions and reactions.
how do I avoid all of the pain I see coming? Can I? I hope so, doesn't really look good right now.
I think about God , I think about Jesus and the way he reacted while he was walking this earth.
Can I do that? Can I keep my passions and tell the truth without demolishing my entire life? I'm not really sure at this point. I often wonder what is most important, I am afraid even at almost 40 I still feel ill-equipped to deal with life at times.
I know I am a survivor, and I will find a way to live. But I also question that and whether that is even right in God's eyes. I really do want to please God and I really do love my family and I wish things didn't always have to be so hard. It seems it's my lot in life for stuff to just be hard and messy and complicated.
Most days I can barely pray lately. I used to pray as a discipline every morning for at least 30 min. followed by devotions and bible study. I don't think all of that is necessary , but I did think I was doing some stuff right then. Of course that could just be my own pride too. I remember just before I stopped doing this morning devotion that I would also look at the clock when I was done praying that morning, kind of like a little pat on my own back .So now I question even the motivation I had for doing it in the first place.
Maybe I was looking for protection or favor or that things would get better( which they did not by the way at least during that time in my life) . I was in a pretty broken place at that time , so maybe it wasn't all bad motives. But I did begin to get a sense of spiritual superiority because I was doing it. The key object in that sentence I think is "I". I was doing it, I felt it I studied it I prayed on it, I I I ....
Still even in my efforts to do for other's benefits It all seems to come back to I .
Maybe I am really that selfish and self- centered .. It could be what keeps ruining my life. Or it could be my big fat mouth?