Thursday, April 10, 2008

Relationships are really hard
They seem to be especially hard for me. I'm not sure if it is just my unrealistic expectations or if I am just socially challenged. But when I get close to someone(any one) it always seems to get complicated and messy.
I think a lot about what the future of my children is. I also think about my marriage and wonder if it will last even 1 more year. I really can't answer those either , I don't feel like I have a reference point that I can rely on to guide me in any of this chaos.
I have a son I have almost written off. He walked away from me and I let him and now he would like to come back and live with me, but I can't trust him. So, I have almost no contact with him.
I seem to wrestle every day with my gut reactions and preserving my relationships. If I just react the way I feel like reacting, I will have no one .
Sometimes though, it seems like I am losing myself because I stifle my emotions and reactions.
how do I avoid all of the pain I see coming? Can I? I hope so, doesn't really look good right now.

I think about God , I think about Jesus and the way he reacted while he was walking this earth.
Can I do that? Can I keep my passions and tell the truth without demolishing my entire life? I'm not really sure at this point. I often wonder what is most important, I am afraid even at almost 40 I still feel ill-equipped to deal with life at times.
I know I am a survivor, and I will find a way to live. But I also question that and whether that is even right in God's eyes. I really do want to please God and I really do love my family and I wish things didn't always have to be so hard. It seems it's my lot in life for stuff to just be hard and messy and complicated.
Most days I can barely pray lately. I used to pray as a discipline every morning for at least 30 min. followed by devotions and bible study. I don't think all of that is necessary , but I did think I was doing some stuff right then. Of course that could just be my own pride too. I remember just before I stopped doing this morning devotion that I would also look at the clock when I was done praying that morning, kind of like a little pat on my own back .So now I question even the motivation I had for doing it in the first place.
Maybe I was looking for protection or favor or that things would get better( which they did not by the way at least during that time in my life) . I was in a pretty broken place at that time , so maybe it wasn't all bad motives. But I did begin to get a sense of spiritual superiority because I was doing it. The key object in that sentence I think is "I". I was doing it, I felt it I studied it I prayed on it, I I I ....
Still even in my efforts to do for other's benefits It all seems to come back to I .
Maybe I am really that selfish and self- centered .. It could be what keeps ruining my life. Or it could be my big fat mouth?
Who knows?


sandwhichisthere said...

Shaun, try to not be so hard on yourself. I remember times like yours when I prayed so much I almost wore out the knees of my trousers, that happens to Catholics. My daughter Kristen cleared the air when she told me "Dad, sometimes when we ask God for something, the answer is NO.". I don't know anything about devotions and Bible study but I think I know about praying. It just feels so good. Don't worry about a year from now, just try to make it through each day. Find one bright spot in each day and cherish it. No one ever said life was going to be easy, it is just going to be. You will get through all the rough spots, the sparrows do.

Kansas Bob said...

Sometimes when I pray I get this question from the Spirit:

Why do you want an easy life?

I hate that question because it goes to my motive and attitude. I think that finding joy in life is all about perspective. My friend Jim has confronted me about it several times.. sometimes joy is a choice.. I hate that.. I wish it weren't true.. but even in jail Paul and Silas sang.

Hang in there Shaun and try to find joy in the small stuff.. even if it doesn't make sense.. it probably won't.. and of course feel free to deep six this if it doesn't resonate with you.

Grace to you, Bob

WaynO said...

Shaun, I wonder if reading and prayer are like exercise for the spiritual side of life. Like physical exercise it keeps us fit for whatever is coming.
I have been struggling with much the same issues and the worst is I am supposed to be a spiritual leader.
I do know for sure that God lifts me up at times I am about to give up completely and my whole family seems so messed up sometimes I want to scream. Then I say something and it is like world war 3.
Just keep at it and nothing seems to easy sometimes. I have begun to worry when things are easy adn good that I must be missing something.
Not much encouragement but I know things will change, they always do.
grace adn peace brother WaynO

Barbara said...

Hi Shaun,

Even though I just "met" you recently through your blog, I honestly can relate to so much of what you said here. You are not alone. It feels like it, and there may be no comfort at all in knowing your not, but sometimes it helps to know someone out there an understand the pain, frustration and endless questioning that you go through. I a also too hard on myself - its a hard habit to break. But listen, you are no more "selfish or self centered" than the rest of us. We are ALL that way to some degree.

I hope your get your relationships worked out. I am the opposite in that way. I usually am good at relationships but am so afraid of them I stay alone and wallow in self pity that I have no one to share my life with :) See, we're all messed up in our own way.

I hope you find some peace, brother, and that you and I both learn to analyze ourselves less and accept ourselves more.