Today was a good day for me and I hope it was for all the fathers out there.
My brother took me out to the woods where we acted like kids and rode 4 wheelers for a few hours.
It seems my body doesn't like this kind of activity the way it used to, but I had a blast.
I came home looking like I work in a coal mine and sore from head to toe.
So, for me today was a little selfish but I don't think anyone suffered for me taking a few hours for myself.
Fathers day has been kind of bittersweet for me for most of my life. My father and I had a pretty bad relationship and he died when I was young so we didn't resolve any issues that we had with each other. I was very relieved when my dad passed away and I decided that no one would tell me what to do from that time forward.
In some ways it was good in others it was a self destructive path that I stayed on for many years.
I was angry at my dad for the way he treated me and I was angry for him not being there for me. I was angry at the whole world sometimes.
I tried to live my life the best way I knew how(or did what ever I felt like ). I got married , had a child ( I was only 18 when Tim was born) and tried to take care of them the best I could.
It took me until 1997 to forgive my father and let go of the anger that I harbored towards him.
When I did, it was like a 2000 lb. weight was lifted off of me. I found that it really is a lot of work to stay angry.
Sometimes now I even miss him, I didn't miss him for 16 years and then suddenly I was able to give myself permission to wish he was here.
And today I wish he was here to see my sons. To meet my wife and be as taken by her as I am.
I know now that just like me, he was doing the best he could. Sometimes that's not good enough.
I am sorry for imparting some of that legacy on to my children, I hope that they can see a better way sooner than I did. I don't think that we have to make the same mistakes our parents made. Not that all mistakes are even bad, but I don't want my boys to think that violence is the answer to anything. I don't want them to live inside a little box that they are afraid to move outside.
I now have hope, I didn't used to have that.
And I wish my dad could see that. I wish he was here so I could tell him Happy Father's Day Dad.
I miss you dad, sometimes.