Monday, June 25, 2007
I just would like to apologize for the post I did have up here . I am going through a really rough time & getting kind of depressed about my life . I am thinking about trying to go for more counseling ,but I'm not too sure I can afford it or if it will really do me any good . I am a lot better than I was a few years ago , but I suppose that there are still times when I am fairly paranoid and neurotic. I am having trouble dealing with the separation in my family , more like division . Any way it seems I am always at odds with some one . Now my jealousy, because of the past betrayals I have dealt with is causing me & mine even more problems . I don't want to lose my family . I love all of my kids (even the ones that I didn't provide any genetic material for ) and I can't stand the thought of losing them or my wife who I believe to have been sent to me directly from God .
Why would He let me have all of this just to take it away?
So here I sit ,paralyzed by my own fear of the unknown and of my own inadequacy.
I don't think that anyone can really know what another person is thinking , and I know that we have our own individual life experience that shapes us . For me , just not losing it and hitting some one or something is a pretty good sign. But I am still far from where I want to be .
Still, I can't always be wrong can I?
I can't be the blame for every thing that's wrong in every one's lives .
Probably that is not what is meant by the icy demeanor of my favorite woman in the whole world . But , that sure is what it feels like .
I can't help the way I feel about some things and when people try to belittle me or mock me because they feel they are better or smarter , there is a little boy inside me that wants to lash out . I still have some real issues with the well of anger that erupts inside me . The good thing is I can control it now more than ever. I try to censor my words and actions , for the most part it works. I am not screaming or hitting or breaking things. I can be logical for the most part . Inside I still feel like a little kid , powerless .
What ever this post is , I hope that God is hearing me when I say ," I can't fix this ! or me! or anything!!" HELP!!