Saturday, July 07, 2007

Ungrateful ME

It's late , Johanna is asleep , little kids are all at Grandma's tonight . I am starting to feel better about life . I think that I have been taking things a little too seriously . My life is not that bad , there are so many people in other places even in this country who are doing so much worse than me , I have been very ungrateful for all that I do have. I have a wonderful family , they may not always like each other but I love them all . I also have food for myself and my house , heck we even have air conditioning when it isn't frozen up . I have a good job (there are people with degrees who aren't doing as well as I am ) I may not make a lot of money , but I make a lot more than I did a while back . Just a couple of years ago I was a dishwasher making $6.50 per hour & going home at night to a work release center . I was able to work , but I slept in prison every night. So things have come a long way for me in a few short years. I never thought I would have another girlfriend , much less another child. Here I am Calvin is truly a gift from God ,as are all of the kids that live here and for the most part Johanna and I have a great relationship. It's not perfect , but we do really enjoy each other most of the time.
I was at work tonight ( I closed ) and after every one was gone I was thinking about these things & praying asking God to help me to love my job , to really be grateful for it.. I have had some pretty lousy jobs, when I was in prison I was so happy to work for free, for something to do, now I am paid pretty well and I let it really aggravate me at times . It is so strange how your perspective changes the way you feel about things. I remember getting out of prison and not feeling free at all. I was under tremendous stress from the moment I got out . I almost wanted to stay in , but it is a lot better now . Even if I am depressed I am glad I'm not there anymore .
So God has done a lot in my life . He has changed me , He has given me a life that I never thought I would have. He has changed my view on so many things ,the way I talk the way I act the way I think(most of the time , I still wrestle with anger & violent thoughts ) there are so many people in the world who don't have it nearly as easy as I do . So , I am going to try to keep an attitude of gratitude .
Lord , thank you for all you have done in my life . Thank you for the ways that you have changed me, and for all you have given me . I could not achieve any of this on my own. I love you as unfaithful as I am at times I know where my help comes from and I just want to take this time to thank you again for the love and the favor you have poured out on me and on my family . I lift up all of my kids I lift up Johanna that you would pour out your love on each of them in a way that they would know that you are real and they would all come into a closer walk with you . I also ask that you would heal Tim, that he could stay out of the hospital and find a treatment program that would keep him , so he can be a productive member of society. Lord wrap you arms around him and surround him with your angels. I know he feels lost and alone , let him know you are there . And lastly Lord I ask that you would change my heart , help me to love more purely , more blindly ,more ; to be more like you Lord so I will know peace . Thank you . Amen

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