Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I am really tired

I need this day off. I mean I really need it. People keep telling me that I look tired. I am.
Too bad I have to be in court for my second felonious son. I hope this is going to turn out ok. I hope it will but I doubt it. This is only an arraignment but I am a little worried because I don't know what to do. I just want my kids to all be successful (not in a ,"I'm all rich & stuff" way but in a ,"look I can totally take care of myself in a semi-responsible way" kind of way). I really hope that works out for all of them not just the second one. The thing is I can't see past my own fear right now about any of this. I have an older kid who has managed to completely ruin his young adult life in a few short years and I just keep seeing the same thing happening with the second son and frankly, it scares the crap out of me. Not to mention the issues we have had pretty much since I got custody of these boys.
I made lots of mistakes when the were young. Lots. Heck I was 18. I was also a high school drop out. I had no idea what I was doing, I just knew it was important. I mean not important enough to listen to my mother, but really important. Still it is very clear now that I had no idea what I was doing and I am sure that fact weighs heavily on the choices they have made.
But I have been better, I am much better than I was and I know they see that and still they are both angry with me. Angry enough to make really bad decisions while I beg them not to be stupid. It's really frustrating and I feel like I have no control at all.
So bring it. I will face it, again. I will look at my own humanity again and I will see how powerless I am, even before they show me. Again.
I wish I could save him, But I think he has to want to be saved.
I'm pretty sure that's how that works and the only thing that I know of that makes people want to change, is consequences of their actions that no one can save them from. When you experience enough pain you will change, I think. I hope. I hope he has a low tolerance for pain, but I doubt that too.

p.s. If you feel like saying a prayer for me/son#2 or the rest of my family, feel free.


Kansas Bob said...

"When you experience enough pain you will change, I think."

I think so too Shaun.. I am praying.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you all tonight.