Thursday, August 06, 2009

Summer Heat

So, this has been what seems like a long summer for me. I think the kids are faring pretty well.
My wife is working and loves her new job, there are challenges for her but I think she really likes the company that she works for and feels they do an excellent job caring for people.
I have had way too much time on my hands to think. I have had time to question my own abilities
and the decisions I have made in the last 2 years.
We are barely making ends meet here and I am shouldering most of that blame. I start thinking I should have stayed at a management job or at least tried to find another management job instead of taking a pay cut.
I question my ability as a parent, I get the boys out on a fairly regular basis to go have some mandatory fun, but I lose patience with them and then the old familiar guilt cycle begins again. Seems like I've been on this wheel for my whole life, trying to do the right thing then failing, then becoming paralyzed and being unable to fix the situation.
I am very different than I once was , I know that God has changed me a lot; my life is completely different than it used to be. But, inside my mind is still a treacherous place to be.
I am still damaged and I'm not so sure that will ever get better.
I mean, after all I am 40 years old (at least for a few more days ) and I still feel like a kid.
At least I'm not angry any more. That was a lot of work. I don't use drugs any more, also a lot of work. I do have a beer now & then but I don't think that's really too bad.
I fail at taking control of my own life. I tend to allow things to happen until I can no longer take it then I take action but it seems like it's never enough.
So here it is. I guess this is the reason I haven't been posting.. I just don't have much good to say.

4 comments:

sandwhichisthere said...

Shaun,
don't be so hard on yourself. Each day in your life you have done the best that you could. It may not have been the best that Ted Turner or Donald Trump or Ghandi could have done but it was the best that you could do. The mistakes we make are judged by hindsight, not by us saying "Hmm, I think that I will make a nice mistake today.".
There are people that go through life never making a mistake. Did you ever read "Sirens of Titan" by Kurt Vonnegaught? Those people are like a log in a river. They move slowly through life like an unstoppable force, plodding along to some future destination. No eyes rise to the surface to see the beauty of the world around them. When they reach their destination, I wonder if they have really lived.
There are people that go through life like a leaf on a stream. They are effected by ripples and currents and breezes that alter their path but they see each moment the world around them. Do you remember the feather in Forrest Gump? They may be judged as failures by the people with plans and to-do-lists and Keough plans that constantly refer to the word proactive but they are aware of life's journey. They make mistakes each day but every new morning they get up and do the best that they can.
Remember, it is not the destination that is important. It is the journey that defines a life. The world is full of anticrastinators. They do seem to judge others by their standards but I don't think that they are aware of many butterflies or flowers. They move inexorably forward to some long planned destination. They seem to have forgotten that it is impossible to get out of life alive. Life is the journey, the destination is six feet down. Do not labor like Sisyphus carrying a boulder of guilt through your life. You have done the best that you could each day.
Only a Jewish person knows how to deal with guilt. They revel in it, glorify it, and learn to deal with it as one might deal with an old friend. You would like New York City, I do. Only the Cohens get to eat the chocolates.

Kansas Bob said...

Life is very hard at times Shaun. I have been praying for you and your family.. and believing that your best days are ahead of you.

Hang in there brother!

Love, Bob

M.K.TRADERS said...

Summer Heat
So, this has been what seems like a long summer for me. I think the kids are faring pretty well.
My wife is working and loves her new job, there are challenges for her but I think she really likes the company that she works for and feels they do an excellent job caring for people.
I have had way too much time on my hands to think. I have had time to question my own abilities
and the decisions I have made in the last 2 years.
We are barely making ends meet here and I am shouldering most of that blame. I start thinking I should have stayed at a management job or at least tried to find another management job instead of taking a pay cut.
I question my ability as a parent, I get the boys out on a fairly regular basis to go have some mandatory fun, but I lose patience with them and then the old familiar guilt cycle begins again. Seems like I've been on this wheel for my whole life, trying to do the right thing then failing, then becoming paralyzed and being unable to fix the situation.
I am very different than I once was , I know that God has changed me a lot; my life is completely different than it used to be. But, inside my mind is still a treacherous place to be.
I am still damaged and I'm not so sure that will ever get better.
I mean, after all I am 40 years old (at least for a few more days ) and I still feel like a kid.
At least I'm not angry any more. That was a lot of work. I don't use drugs any more, also a lot of work. I do have a beer now & then but I don't think that's really too bad.
I fail at taking control of my own life. I tend to allow things to happen until I can no longer take it then I take action but it seems like it's never enough.
So here it is. I guess this is the reason I haven't been posting.. I just don't have much good to say.

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