So, this has been what seems like a long summer for me. I think the kids are faring pretty well.
My wife is working and loves her new job, there are challenges for her but I think she really likes the company that she works for and feels they do an excellent job caring for people.
I have had way too much time on my hands to think. I have had time to question my own abilities
and the decisions I have made in the last 2 years.
We are barely making ends meet here and I am shouldering most of that blame. I start thinking I should have stayed at a management job or at least tried to find another management job instead of taking a pay cut.
I question my ability as a parent, I get the boys out on a fairly regular basis to go have some mandatory fun, but I lose patience with them and then the old familiar guilt cycle begins again. Seems like I've been on this wheel for my whole life, trying to do the right thing then failing, then becoming paralyzed and being unable to fix the situation.
I am very different than I once was , I know that God has changed me a lot; my life is completely different than it used to be. But, inside my mind is still a treacherous place to be.
I am still damaged and I'm not so sure that will ever get better.
I mean, after all I am 40 years old (at least for a few more days ) and I still feel like a kid.
At least I'm not angry any more. That was a lot of work. I don't use drugs any more, also a lot of work. I do have a beer now & then but I don't think that's really too bad.
I fail at taking control of my own life. I tend to allow things to happen until I can no longer take it then I take action but it seems like it's never enough.
So here it is. I guess this is the reason I haven't been posting.. I just don't have much good to say.