Thinking today about what I have to live for. Mostly because I don't feel like I have much. There are my kids, I guess that's a reason although it seems like they don't care too much.
        I am on vacation, a sort of unexpected one. I did want it but I thought I had to move it so I wasn't planning on it then I got it, and I am getting paid but I am pretty broke for this vacation, makes it a lot more boring.
 So I need to find something else to live for.


8/26   I am still in a dark place, not as bad as a few days ago and it will get better.
     I have to remember I do have my kids and a few good friends. At times it seems really pointless though. I mean like everything. I want to be better, but for what?  I want to organize my life, but no one will notice or care. I want to go back to school and it looks like I am, even though it seems futile to start on a degree at this age. It's the past, I can't completely let go. All the broken promises and pain, makes me feel old, makes me wonder if I will ever really be happy. There are moments, times when I can let go of everything and be "in the moment" as cliche as that sounds I find it to be true.
 I guess that's the trick really. I still believe in God, but in my faith I feel misunderstood. There are very few people I can ever discuss God with and be honest about it. Well maybe that's not the way to put it, there are few I can talk to about God and not have to bite my tongue, a lot.
           So there it is man, the good thing is, Blogging is pretty much dead, so not many people will read this

Ode to Zeke

Ode  (owed) to Zeke

You were just a child of five,

When you came into my life.

I didn’t know what I wanted

That day that you arrived

But you saw right through me,

Wisdom beyond your years

Heartbreak and sorrow

                                                      Realized all your fears.

You had eyes of fire,

Olive skin & Coal black hair

A smile to blind the sun

And a calculating stare

It wasn’t you,

It wasn’t me,

It was the way it had to be,

My only consolation.

Is hoping now you’re free

Not fighting in your flesh

How  you were meant to be

Life is never easy

Not yours’ to say the least

You lived a constant battle

Fighting with the beast.

The beast that lived outside,

The beast that lived within

The beast that so entangled

The child that was my friend

I just want to say ,

I’ll love you till my end

I’ll have a void inside me

Until I see you once again

Till I see you once again,

Till I see you…

Once…

again