Sunday, December 23, 2007

Saturday night/ Sunday morning rambling

Today was a strange day for me. I'm not sure what is going on with me, but I feel like God is pulling on me in some way that I can't really figure out yet. What is it I am supposed to be doing?
I know that Something is going on here, I just don't see what my role is in this place where God has placed me. I can feel it , there is some thing , there is a purpose in all this madness. I have been listening to this series of talks about being missional and incarnational. This Michael Frost from Australia has been saying some things that are ringing true in my spirit. I can't deny that a lot in my own life must change and I find myself asking this question ,"Who am I?" . I don't really know, I know God has changed me I know that He has shown me favor in this life and has allowed some really hard (but maybe necessary) things to happen in my life.
So, I find myself here. Not a lot of planning went into this on my part. I am just trying to make ends meet the best I can I am not in love with my job , I wish I were but I do try to always remember that I am supposed to be holy and sinless. Really tough stuff.
I'm not good at being holy I am not sinless and I find that I really do want for more of the old sinful lifestyle I used to live.Who the hell am I kidding? I am still pretty sinful.
I can say , I love Jesus . I want to be more like him. I can say that I feel a burning passion to help , who ever it may be at different times with the things they need. I guess there are just times when I feel paralyzed, by my own guilt and shame, by my shortcomings. I am so not like Jesus, how am I supposed to be him to someone else? I really don't know, I pray that God will give me some direction in that.
Seems really complicated , but it's not it's just really hard.
Well , I am going to go get ready for church then I will go to work and try to be like Jesus . Especially on Sunday's it can be really tough to do with all that "church" crowd coming in leaving tracts and giving servers $2 tips for a $30 check. I am supposed to say ,"hey we aren't all like that , I don't look down on you ." But to follow actions that solidify the not yet Christian's position about Christianity or "church " people is pretty hard and it can get tiring
Peace be with you


Johanna said...

Oh, crap, you're freaking HUMAN, aren't you? Why did you never mention this before! Hmmmph! Well, I'm DEFINITELY sleeping on the couch tonight!

Seriously honey, these feelings you express, and your humanity and the fact that you freely admit that you are "prone to depravity" pull in those around you, and are more likely to draw someone toward God than the actions of an "almost" sinless person that they admire but can't identify with. You are blooming where you are planted. I love you.

Suztash said...

Shaun, you're in good company! Remember the Apostle Paul bemoaning, "Wretched man that I am, who will deliver me from this body of death?!" He was contending with his humaness and his desire to be like Jesus. What was his conclusion? There is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus. Nothing shall separate us from the love of God. I am reading a very good, almost handbooky kind of instructional manual type of book about walking in the Spirit. Beholding As In A Mirror Being Changed From Glory To Glory, by Richard East. He's actually from Kentucky! He could have benefitted from a better proofreader, but has alot of enlightening and helpful and I believe inspired things to share with us. Hope you check it out. I've also recently read some books about seeking the presence of God and am convinced that it is God who changes us, not our striving, not our works (though they are an important proof of our faith). We, by spending time with Jesus, beholding His glory, His beauty, His wonder, are changed. Of course, unless we have a Damascus road experience, this is usually a gradual change, a spiritual growth. But when you're in His presence, it's all good, even the more difficult parts. We need to choose the "better part" that Mary chose and spend some time at His feet, hanging on every word, gazing into His face. That is what changes us. Hope this is relevant food for thought. I am by no means or intention trying to present myself as expert, only a fellow child of God who desires holiness and be like Him. I always am encouraged by the verse that says "we shall be like Him for we shall see Him as He is".(will have to look up the reference) God bless. Love you.