I am up really early today , not sure why I just woke up @ 5 & I can't go back to sleep . So , that's ok, I would really love it if this very noisy cat would go somewhere though .
I haven't been getting that much sleep, but for some reason I can't sleep any more today. I guess I am thinking too much. I have been thinking a lot about different things. About my family about God about all the things that are wrong in this world. I guess if I let them my thoughts could just take over my life, some days they do.
Maybe I should think less, you know the old cliche ,"less is more" . Yeah .
Christmas was awsome, I really enjoyed my whole family except for my oldest son who is still in Jail. But I did get to hear from him that day and he sounded so much better than he has in a long time. Man I tell ya, when he is clean he is a completely different person. But the drugs take over. He is the kind of addict that you can't leave alone, you have to watch him every second and you never know what he is going to do next. He must be a real hoot to get high with.
The one thing that has caused me the most pain has been my inability to reach Tim. I used to make him go to church with me when he lived with me. I don't think it made a difference for him at all, maybe planted a seed in him, but over all I doubt that my forcing him to go to a place he hated was doing him any good.
Now he is in jail. I know how that is , it really sucks. Especially if you are like him and have no money and medical problems. They basically keep him in solitary confinement(it's the medical ward ) 23 hour lock down 1 hour out a day to go out to rec or make phone calls, no tv not much to do at all. The one thing this has done for Tim is made him stop and think . One thing about being locked up, you are forced to be alone with yourself. You can't drown your thoughts out with music or activity. Some times in prison you can get drugs, but I would estimate that this is fairly rare. Tim is in county, he is really extremely bored, I know.
He told me that he has been reading the bible, I hope he has , I mean I believe him, I just hope it is making some sort of sense or at least making him ask some reality questions. I don't think my son is well, mentally that is. At least when he is using (which was all the time) he shows all of the major signs of being a psychopath. He has no regard for anyone else. He hasn't thought about the ways he hurts people in a long time. I believe that somewhere in that boys head there is still a good person, I hope so. And you know as a dad , I can never shake that image of him as a child . My heart breaks for him because even though I know it is largely self-inflicted, he has a lot of pain in his life. I want it to stop, or at least become manageable for him.
I ask that if you read this , you would pray for Tim, Because you know what?I'm not ready to give up on him. I know he thinks I have , I know my mom and probably his mom think I have, but I haven't . I have come close , he can't live with me. But I will always love him , if he killed hundreds of people or became the most evil thing I could imagine (a lawyer) I would still love him. ( the lawyer thing was a joke, I was getting way too serious there) . Bottom line , I love my son. He is no different than any of the rest of my kids (including the one I did not provide any DNA for ) and I will always love him. I hope that some day we can have him around on holidays and maybe even some other times too. Yeah , that would be cool .
I do also want to say that Christmas was really great in spite of the Tim thing and the fact that I was pretty broke (still am, I need to pay my electric today by 5 to keep the luxury of electric light). Because of some act of God in my favor I was able to provide my kids with the second coolest Christmas toy you can receive ( A drum roll would be appropriate here ) ************
*********** AIR HOCKEY!!!!!**************** and here it is in all of it's awsome wonder
I hope your Christmas was this cool.