Vacation was awesome,
My wife's sisters and mom and all of the guys were awesome too.
I think we all had a great time. I don't think I have ever had such a relaxing time off in my life.
The beach was absolutely beautiful. I got some pretty cool pictures I think.
Now dealing with reality is I really couldn't afford to take the time off so now I must pay. I was even thinking of trying to get a second job somewhere just so I could sort of recover.
times are kind of hard in this town where we live, many people out of work (I'm sure we are not alone in that) and the jobs that are out there are getting harder to get and seems like they are paying less.
I felt kind of guilty when we were away, one for missing work and not earning money when I could have been. I also get this undercurrent of guilt because of the fact that we got to go do this and I could never afford to get such a house as this (even for a week) while there are people in this neighborhood who are really struggling. I mean we are too to a certain degree, I took a pay cut to take my new job, which is really cool and less stress than I have had in a long time. But we still have the same bills, I was getting sort of comfortable ( not that I was financially set or anything, but I had enough to pay for almost everything ) and now I am back to an earlier time, when it was week to week for real.
I really can't complain because almost all of my hardships have to do with my own life choices.
Had I not gone to prison, I would likely still be at the same job and I would still have the house that I lost to foreclosure. Life would probably look quite different than it does now. But the fact is I can't change the past and I need to get the things done that are in front of me.
I will get back on track eventually, it's just going to be hard.
Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing leaving my last job. But when I think back about the tension and stress and just the situation I was in, it was the right thing to do.
I also need to remind myself that God has made a way every time for me that I can't explain or begin to deserve. I'm not sure why He loves me, but it's fairly evident if I look back over the past 20 plus years. I also need to remind myself that, had I not lost everything to do with my old life, I might have never met Johanna and I would not have Calvin or Mike or A.J. and I wouldn't want a life without any of them now.
Things are still pretty rocky with my marriage and statistically, we shouldn't make it. We both tend to fall back into this defensive mode from being hurt so much and we act like nothing matters. But the fact is, neither of us wants a life without the other. Yeah when I am acting stupid at say 6:00 a.m. I'm sure it sucks to even be in the same house as me. But She loves me, I know it, like no other human ever has. Sometimes I get hurt too (although I am sure it is far less frequent) and I start trying to act tough and I want to just give up. But, I can't imagine a life without this family. Even though she says we aren't when she is freaked out about what is happening with kids or finances or both. But we are, we don't make sense and we are not an easy fit. All of us are so different, But there is love here. I hope I never have to live without that again.
Feeling so alone really stinks, even though I know God is with me, I really like it when my family is with me too.