Sunday, March 23, 2008
Today was a really incredible day.
I got up & went to church by myself. It wasn't that bad, but I find myself really distracted and distant today in church. I think that's not really normal for me , especially on Easter.
There are many issues in my life at this moment that keep my mind occupied most of the time and I am not really focusing well on anything. But, it is getting better.
I did my best to spend some time with people that I love today. I wish they could love each other. Sometimes it seems like they do, then at others it's like being caught in between warring factions.
My life is pretty chaotic, sort of fitting for Easter I guess. How Chaotic must it have been for the early believers on that day? I am sure they were happy at the prospect of Christ being raised from the dead, but at the same time I bet they were afraid to let their hearts guards down and just believe it .
I am at this place personally where I know that God has spoken something to me about the situation, but I am always looking with my eyes and trusting my feelings . I have been lead down that path before, I find myself fighting it and giving in to it only to realize I am giving in again then trying to stand with more resolve than before.
This is really hard for me and frankly,
I am realizing more that a "church" may not be the place for my worship. I mean I know that.
My life has to be worship, today only strengthened that need for change in me. I want to do the easy thing, I want to just go to a church and get preached to and get filled , maybe prayed for and go back to my life of ease.
If it were only that easy.
As I drove from the service this morning , I found myself in this dialog with God about what just happened. So what now? I'm not an organizer or a really charismatic leader of men. How and where do I find fellowship with people I can interact with and relate to? It seems very far from here. I am in like church mecca (Central Florida) you can't throw a rock without hitting a church building here. The thing that makes this even more real to me is the fact that I don't see people changing because of all the religion in this town. It seems very much out of context and ineffective to keep doing the same thing. Even personally, where I was once feeling like a church addict and I was getting fresh revelations every week, now it is leaving me kind of flat,kind of empty . Like it is just going through the motions and trying to be correct.
Maybe being right doesn't matter that much , or maybe it only matters when it comes to your heart.
Mine is breaking, but I am hopeful.
I still believe Romans 8:28 is true and in context with all times in history and all places and all circumstances.
This is ALL for my good and for all of us.
Happy easter I hope it was a really wonderful day for you all,
Peace Be With You