Tuesday, March 11, 2008

What's important? Really.

That's what I am asking myself today.
I did take some time for myself and with my 15 year old today I think it helped me to clear my mind somewhat. I am thinking about this Question," What would Jesus tell me to do right now?"
I really don't know for sure, but I think it has to do with love.
One thing that keeps coming into my mind the last few days is how to love. What do I need to do to love? How is that even possible? It seems really hard to not react with the urge that is inside me. An urge that pushes me toward an agenda of self-preservation. The urge that tells me to defend myself. No one can do that to me , they must not know who I am. I have been to the land of Killas & Gorillas and I lived, thrived even. I can be strong I have had to, don't make me prove it.
My natural reaction. My Flesh?
I think this is NOT what Jesus would do. I could try and justify what I want to do, in the ears of most people that I know pretty much anything I would do would be justified. But then there were people who told me I was justified in the Severe injuries I gave to the man I went to prison over .
That is another reminder as well, of how strong I was, how self sufficient how PROUD.
I am a living testimony of how pride comes before a fall. Check it out it's in proverbs somewhere.

Maybe If I can love , just simply love and not react in some irrational, emotional way I will get my family back. Maybe not.
Maybe My ends aren't the purpose of this at all. Maybe I will lose them all for good .
but , maybe, I might; learn something.
How to love. in the face of adversity, in the middle of my personal crisis I might learn to let that go and actually rely on God.
I mean I doubt I will actually learn ( given my track record) But, it could happen. ....


sandwhichisthere said...

Son, I wish you peace in this time of trouble. I remember those days when work seemed to overpower everything else in life. It will pass. You love, it is apparent by your writings. When coming home late, stand outside and look at home. It is a house full of love for you. Family is everything but remember. There is one child that you don't see very often and that child is the boy you were. Talk to the boy you were and tell him "Don't worry, I will take care of you. Dry your tears and take this hug.". Do you remember the sweetness and innocence the boy once had? Try to find it again. The family I grew up in had a tradition, anytime someone got angry, they had to go for a walk until they calmed down. I spent a lot of time walking. When I came back home, my Father would say "Are you still angry?". If the answer was yes he would say "I guess you didn't walk far enough.".
You are a good and nice person, give yourself some credit.

Kansas Bob said...

Sorry for this awful time Shaun.

Maybe trust and love are all wrapped up in the idea of being weak and not being in control?

Anonymous said...


I wrote a big long testimony on the blog for you specifically - not meaning to condemn at all - but just being reminded of where I have come from.



jane said...


We just met my heart goes out to you and family. Its hard to understand why we go thru all the trials we do, I know I never will. I know there is a purpose and God is with us each step of our journey. Some of us he has to carry the whole way. Just keep being you and let God do the rest. You have the very word Jesus wanted us to retain, L O V E May God Bless and Keep You Near Him Always,

Your sister-in-Christ

WaynO said...

Shaun, I still pray for you and occassionally feel very anxious for you. Hope that doesn't weird you out but it is as if God puts in my heart those to pray for sometimes.
Glad to see you are moving along. Peace brother