That's what I am asking myself today.
I did take some time for myself and with my 15 year old today I think it helped me to clear my mind somewhat. I am thinking about this Question," What would Jesus tell me to do right now?"
I really don't know for sure, but I think it has to do with love.
One thing that keeps coming into my mind the last few days is how to love. What do I need to do to love? How is that even possible? It seems really hard to not react with the urge that is inside me. An urge that pushes me toward an agenda of self-preservation. The urge that tells me to defend myself. No one can do that to me , they must not know who I am. I have been to the land of Killas & Gorillas and I lived, thrived even. I can be strong I have had to, don't make me prove it.
My natural reaction. My Flesh?
I think this is NOT what Jesus would do. I could try and justify what I want to do, in the ears of most people that I know pretty much anything I would do would be justified. But then there were people who told me I was justified in the Severe injuries I gave to the man I went to prison over .
That is another reminder as well, of how strong I was, how self sufficient how PROUD.
I am a living testimony of how pride comes before a fall. Check it out it's in proverbs somewhere.
Maybe If I can love , just simply love and not react in some irrational, emotional way I will get my family back. Maybe not.
Maybe My ends aren't the purpose of this at all. Maybe I will lose them all for good .
but , maybe, I might; learn something.
How to love. in the face of adversity, in the middle of my personal crisis I might learn to let that go and actually rely on God.
I mean I doubt I will actually learn ( given my track record) But, it could happen. ....