Work

Tonight was good . Stressful, but good.
Things aren't really any different at home but I am in a good
mood. I am pretty tired but wide awake. Why is it that I can be so tired
and so wound up after working all night? I don't think I'm alone in this.
For now, I will read a few more blogs, check some email and have some
semi-decent beer. Maybe I will be sleepy in a little while . I hope so
I would like to go to church again tomorrow I think. I'm not completely
sure about it but I do like it in this church at least I like some of
the things I have heard there. I wish I could find some more people to
really "Be" the church with , but I have yet to find those types of
relationships ( at least in a group setting ) .
I hope tomorrow will be good in some ways I dread it because
Sunday is usually bad at work. We shall see.
Peace

Holidays

Today was a really incredible day.
I got up & went to church by myself. It wasn't that bad, but I find myself really distracted and distant today in church. I think that's not really normal for me , especially on Easter.
There are many issues in my life at this moment that keep my mind occupied most of the time and I am not really focusing well on anything. But, it is getting better.
I did my best to spend some time with people that I love today. I wish they could love each other. Sometimes it seems like they do, then at others it's like being caught in between warring factions.
My life is pretty chaotic, sort of fitting for Easter I guess. How Chaotic must it have been for the early believers on that day? I am sure they were happy at the prospect of Christ being raised from the dead, but at the same time I bet they were afraid to let their hearts guards down and just believe it .
I am at this place personally where I know that God has spoken something to me about the situation, but I am always looking with my eyes and trusting my feelings . I have been lead down that path before, I find myself fighting it and giving in to it only to realize I am giving in again then trying to stand with more resolve than before.
This is really hard for me and frankly,
it sucks!!
I am realizing more that a "church" may not be the place for my worship. I mean I know that.
My life has to be worship, today only strengthened that need for change in me. I want to do the easy thing, I want to just go to a church and get preached to and get filled , maybe prayed for and go back to my life of ease.
If it were only that easy.
As I drove from the service this morning , I found myself in this dialog with God about what just happened. So what now? I'm not an organizer or a really charismatic leader of men. How and where do I find fellowship with people I can interact with and relate to? It seems very far from here. I am in like church mecca (Central Florida) you can't throw a rock without hitting a church building here. The thing that makes this even more real to me is the fact that I don't see people changing because of all the religion in this town. It seems very much out of context and ineffective to keep doing the same thing. Even personally, where I was once feeling like a church addict and I was getting fresh revelations every week, now it is leaving me kind of flat,kind of empty . Like it is just going through the motions and trying to be correct.
Maybe being right doesn't matter that much , or maybe it only matters when it comes to your heart.
Mine is breaking, but I am hopeful.

I still believe Romans 8:28 is true and in context with all times in history and all places and all circumstances.
This is ALL for my good and for all of us.
Happy easter I hope it was a really wonderful day for you all,
Peace Be With You

it is really late

I think I don't sleep enough...
I should work on that.

What's important? Really.

That's what I am asking myself today.
I did take some time for myself and with my 15 year old today I think it helped me to clear my mind somewhat. I am thinking about this Question," What would Jesus tell me to do right now?"
I really don't know for sure, but I think it has to do with love.
One thing that keeps coming into my mind the last few days is how to love. What do I need to do to love? How is that even possible? It seems really hard to not react with the urge that is inside me. An urge that pushes me toward an agenda of self-preservation. The urge that tells me to defend myself. No one can do that to me , they must not know who I am. I have been to the land of Killas & Gorillas and I lived, thrived even. I can be strong I have had to, don't make me prove it.
My natural reaction. My Flesh?
I think this is NOT what Jesus would do. I could try and justify what I want to do, in the ears of most people that I know pretty much anything I would do would be justified. But then there were people who told me I was justified in the Severe injuries I gave to the man I went to prison over .
That is another reminder as well, of how strong I was, how self sufficient how PROUD.
I am a living testimony of how pride comes before a fall. Check it out it's in proverbs somewhere.

Maybe If I can love , just simply love and not react in some irrational, emotional way I will get my family back. Maybe not.
Maybe My ends aren't the purpose of this at all. Maybe I will lose them all for good .
but , maybe, I might; learn something.
How to love. in the face of adversity, in the middle of my personal crisis I might learn to let that go and actually rely on God.
I mean I doubt I will actually learn ( given my track record) But, it could happen. ....

there is nothing good to say

Right now , I totally hate my life. I wish it wasn't like this . But, it is.
I know it could be worse, Not having an easy time seeing that right now. I guess today is just one more shining example of how much I miss the mark, my laziness, my inadequacies, my general lack of life skills.
Yeah so I'm not the greatest parent, Who is? Show me some great example of the perfect parent and I'll show you some one who knows how to lie pretty good and has some skeletons in their closet. I feel pretty hurt and pretty mean right now. I guess for me they go hand in hand.
Maybe some sort of defense mechanism?
Yeah , you know I dropped out of high school, did a bunch of drugs, got married to young ,ended up in prison, alienated my kids, family and everyone else that mattered to me. Looks like I have finally screwed things up here until my new wife is pretty sick of me too. Well , I guess that is how my life is going to go.
I really thought that we had something that would endure, we are so strangely suited for each other. But I have one skill and that is messing everything up. So here I go again. The one woman who was Just nuts enough to want to make it with me through this life is tired of my crap too. Can't say as I really blame her.