Vacation

I am on vacation. I really can't afford the time off, but I needed it. This has been the most relaxing couple of days I have had in a long time. We have been here since Saturday night and I can only stay till Thursday night but it is so nice. My wife's family is so nice, all of them. I have these moments where I feel like an intruder but for the most part I feel pretty at ease here with them. We are staying in a beach house that I could never afford right on the beach in Saint Augustine, Florida. I live in Florida, but we don't have beaches like this down South on the West coast. I have taken some pretty cool pictures I will post a couple.
Sea oats in the morning


the morning sun on the beach

the board walk from the house to the beach

It's really pretty quiet and peaceful (except for the occasional screaming child) and I think this has been really wonderful so far. I am so glad I didn't decide to stay home.
Well I need to go rest some more,

Peace

"Sermonetts"

I want to Give a quiet shout to GRACE for the inspiration for this post. It's been a while since I wrote anything and I guess this as good a time as any. She posted about her latest experience in a small unorganized church that she attended Sunday. It was sort of amusing and kind of disturbing at the same time. But, one thought that came to my mind was about how we judge others when we are the outsider looking in.
It really started me thinking/remembering about one similar experience that I had.
As most people who have read my blog at all know, I was in prison for 2 1/2 years. I am not proud of that fact, but it has helped to form who I am. So, it is just a fact. Any way, this experience took place while I was in prison.
I had gone to work release (which was actually at the same camp I was doing time in) and one of the so-called benefits of that status was to attend outside church. Well at first in this program (because it was brand new, and we were dealing with guards on a work camp who now had to run a work release as well) there was no service we could attend. But there was a man sent to find us and to eventually get them to bring us to one church service a week . Some times we got to go on Sunday mornings and sometimes it was a night service during the week. There were even a few times when we were able to do both. But it was a very unusual experience to say the least.
We attended this tiny church that was dubbed a "mission" in a very small country town in North Florida. It was in a store front that was probably a laundry mat in a previous life. It was divided into two main sections with plate glass in the front of both places and no connecting door, you had to go outside to go into the other room. Any way, it was small, there were kids from the surrounding area that the volunteer youth leader and his young wife would drive around and pick up. They would drive around, see kids in the street and ask them if they wanted to go to Sunday School.
The pastor was a short little fella with an unbelievable southern twang accompanied by a full on high nasal tone. The Congregation was a mix of White, Black and Hispanic, mostly poor people from the now almost ghost town where the church and work camp were located.
Now, I was raised in the Southern Baptist Church, and I had many reasons for not attending church for a long time, once I was of an age where I could refuse to go. I was 16 I think when I told my mother one Sunday morning that I didn't want to go and (much to my surprise) she said,"ok". Before that day it was never an option, and I had not gone at all from the age of 16 to 29. I had spent every Sunday up until that day in a church somewhere and I was tired of doing what was expected of me. It was one of my first attempts at freedom (at least in my eyes).
Any way, I had been attending a Charismatic church before I actually went to prison, and what got me going there was the love that I sensed from God after I was charged, with a very serious crime and thought my life was over. God had showed me that He loved me in a very personal way and spoke directly to my heart and changed me forever when I was sitting in a county jail cell. So as soon as I could, I went to church and I kept going every chance I got, because that is how I understood I was supposed to honor God for his love for me.
I did however still have huge problems with the Southern Baptist denomination. I was very much against going back to a Baptist church.
Well, when you are in work release, you go to what ever church you can, if you want to go to church. So I went to an Independent Baptist Mission in a tiny broken down country town where most of the people you meet are dirt poor or corrections officers. Oh there were cotton and peanut farmers as well, they seemed to do ok for the most part.
It was quite superficial to me the way the order of service went. The pastor gave what some in my past have called a "sermonette" and we sang some old songs, and we usually had some food after the service. It was mostly a really nice gesture by some folks trying to ,"visit the prisoner".
I liked getting out from behind the fence, but I didn't see this as a spiritual feeding ground really, I sometimes had a problem taking it seriously at first.
Until, I think it was the third time I went to this mission and it was the first Sunday morning service we had gone to since I had been able to go. This seemed very much the same old thing with a sermonette and some hymns, along with a really nice group of people trying to do something good for the cause of Christ. Then there it was, the slap in the face. It was time to take up the offering. Now I will remind you that this was a group of people not exactly marked by wealth. There were maybe 15 people including about 6-8 prisoners in every service. They had abundance of pretty much nothing.
When it was time for the offering they didn't pass the plate around, much to my surprise. The pastor asked every one to come and bring their offering to the altar where there was a single offering plate that sat on a small pedestal . One by one, people went up and knelt around that plate and gave up what small offering they had to bring, including the short, ineloquent, full time construction worker/contractor, 60 year old pastor and his wife, holding hands.
I, never felt so convicted in my life about casting judgment on anyone as I did that morning. It changed me. God changed me that moment and opened my eyes to how real those people were. I never saw anything so beautiful in a church service before or since.
I guess I was wrong. I thought they were just going through the motions, I saw this as religion and as just an act that most of them were putting on, I didn't think it had anything to do with God; not really.
Then as I kept going they showed me how, in an unsophisticated way that some might discount as small meaningless gestures, to love people where they are. Sure, they were in an attractional model of church, so was I before and after attending there. But they got to know the kids they picked up off of the street and bought them school clothes and one night I remember every kid there got a new pair of shoes. And they would have celebrations for us prisoners when one of us was leaving or getting out. Even on our birthdays, we were treated like people who mattered to them. We were drug dealers, and thieves and violent criminals and they treated us like men. Not just men, family. We ate home made fried chicken and cakes and every bite tasted like the love of God for us. I never had it so good. I never saw Jesus in another person until my misconceptions were shattered by grace. And, even in the process of showing me how wrong I was about His people, God gently told me over and over that I am His, and He loves me right where I am , right now. I guess I should do the same.....
Thanks Grace, you really got me remembering something very important. The race is not given to the swift or the strong, but to he that endures to the end.
Thank You Jesus.
Peace

The New Job

So far so good, my new job seems to be working out pretty well. It is extremely odd that the job that God would put before me is in an abbey. But, that's cool I can deal with it.
The hours are really awesome I am home every night with my family (something I haven't done in a while). I am also back to cooking (something I actually love doing) and my stress level has dropped by at least 200%. I was barely sleeping anymore and that was getting really old (not to mention exhausting). I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it or not, but I really hated management. It was actually ok when I worked during the day for a casual dining place where I did all of the opening stuff and placing and receiving all of the orders. I was ok at it too, I think sometimes I am not so good at dealing with employee issues. But, I had to to have a stable paycheck that I could count on. That was pretty much the only reason I went into management. I was never in love with the idea of being on salary. I may try to get salary where I am, I am not completely sure if that would be good or not. I don't want to go back to doing 50+ hours a week, I am really enjoying having a life outside of work. Like today, I was off (2 weeks in a row I got Sunday off woohoo!!!) so I slept late , even though Johanna really wanted to check out this other church, we all over slept. then we did some stuff around the house and later went to the beach. It's a lake near here and so far they have not closed the water this summer, that is really awesome we had a great time just playing around at the playground then in the water.
I have also been able to have dinner every night with my family and that means a lot to me. Yes I took a pay cut. Do I think it was worth it? So far YES!!! I just hope I don't fall behind in my bills, but I think if I am careful we can do this. Besides, how am I supposed to Follow God's plan for my life if I am always working for some corporation to make them the maximum profit. At times it seemed that Sonny's might consume my whole life. I would do things for the business when I was off (which infuriated Johanna by the way) and the days I worked there was no time left in the day for family or anything but work. Even on my days off I would be so spent that I wouldn't be much fun most of the time and I really wasn't doing much work around the house.
Plus there is just the environment of this place that is sort of calming in it's self. I will post a picture or 2 so you can get an idea (not that I can do it justice).
This is the view of Lake Jovita that I see every morning right before I walk into work


and this is looking up at the bell tower just before I walk in the door of the abbey

Finally this is the front of the church that is on the other side of the bell tower picture.
Well I think that is enough for now I hope that this goes well for me because I really like just being at this place. But, I know that even if this goes bad, God will make a way, He always does.
Peace

Regrets My Version

Jeff posted today about regrets. He really got me thinking and man I have a lot of thoughts racing around right now. I Can't help but think that who I am is the sum of my regrets.
I almost posted/said some things today that I would no doubt regret. I am really glad it didn't go quite like that and I am feeling fairly good about life right now.
What that doesn't mean is that I have no regrets. I have a ton. I have hurt the ones I love numerous times and ruined my own life several times as well. I almost lost my freedom for good a few years back.
Mostly I am not a great big brainy guy who reads tons of books or even has a detailed theology that I follow. I was fairly immersed in the Southern baptist traditions as a child an I have a pretty good grasp on the basics of their theology. But mostly I write from my personal experience. I am probably never going to be the one who can link all of these historical events to what is happening now. I think my attention span is too short for that any way( I am amazed that I can actually finish a book that is more than 100 pages ).
Any way , sort of the point of this is getting lost here. some of my regrets are constant reminders to me, of grace. Grace that was given to me once I understood how undeserving I am.
Before, I was proud. Sometimes I still am even with everything that has happened. But thank God He is patient and kind and loves me any way. I can't really prove it, most people would look at my life and think I am far less than privileged and things aren't really that great. But things could be a lot worse than they are. Yeah I live in a crappy trailer in a crappy neighborhood where there are gang symbols painted on the street. I have had to deal with a lot, but I deserve nothing.
God has given me a chance right now to treasure what is important and to try to take care of the ones I love and not just get by. It is so cool the way God makes himself known to me. Like this job I just got. I wasn't planning on changing jobs
But because of certain events at my job my Supervisor and Store manager were both fired and I was marked to be fired. The only thing that kept me from being fired was the guy who was supposed to still have a job, walked out just minutes before I went in on my day off to confront them about why they were firing me and why the staff knew even though I didn't.
But the crazy thing is, I had a job offer before I even knew that I was supposed to be fired.
And it turns out that starting out , this job is a pay cut, but it's only 40 hours a week and I am home every night and I have tomorrow off. I haven't had Sundays off in some time.
This job also comes with health insurance, that's something I haven't had in a while either.
The strangest thing about this is it is for the Catholic church. I am cooking for monks at an abbey. I think it's really odd that this would be the job offer I get. After all I have just about stopped going to church at all lately and I have no faith any more in institutional churches, so I get a job working for the great grand dad of all of those western denominations. Pretty cool huh?
God is amazing!!

Just an update

I don't have anything really important to blog about that I want to make public knowledge (yet). So I figured I would just say that some recent events have been pretty chaotic and nerve rattling.
The situation with my 15 year old gets better then worse( hopefully we will be on an upswing very soon) He is not taking the diversion program very seriously at all right now but I plan to give him a wake up call when we have to report on Tuesday.
That is just about all I have to say about that , except that this really hurts me that after all of this and his seemingly changed attitude, that he would start to take advantage of the situation again just because he feels there won't be any repercussion. I plan on making sure that he takes this seriously, because I really love my son and I really do want him to succeed in this program and have no criminal record at all. But I don't want him to merely get through it, I want him to do the program and become a better person because of it. I know that he has the potential to be a really great man and there is a lot of good in him. He just hides it really well sometimes.

The other stuff I really want to write about that is in the forefront of my thoughts almost all of the time I don't feel at liberty to post because of the extremely minute chance that the wrong person might read it. I do plan on laying out the whole story sometime in the not so distant future.
In other news, we gave Otis to the county 2 days ago. I felt like crap (still do) and I know that in some way I failed him and that is why this happened. He was such a good dog in so many ways and he absolutely freakin loved me for pretty much no reason at all. I did almost nothing for this dog and Johanna joked about what a huge betrayal it was that he would want to come home and sleep with me most nights. I also loved Otis. I am still trying to process the incident and what I could have done to change the way it happened. But the harsh truth is, He was a huge risk. This was the third bite. This was technically "provoked" because of the food issue. I was a little surprised to hear that when the dog officer came to the house.
But the other bites made no sense what so ever and just the fact that he was nervous and was easily frightened into biting was really risky with a dog that weighed more than 3 of our 4 kids at home.
I am vaguely familiar with the theology that points animals not being eternal (beings that is) but deep down I hope I get to see Otis some day again and am able to apologize and tell him how much I loved him and how much joy he gave me.
I hope he wasn't too afraid when they did what they had to do.

A little hope

Yes, true story. I have just the smallest amount of hope for my relationship with my 15 year old son (and a little for his life not being ruined) .
I found out the other day that in spite of the judge's recommendation they are putting him in a diversion plan anyway. I am so glad because this means that if he can complete it,. he won't have a record at all and what he was arrested for, while illegal was not horrible.
I am so glad they are giving him this chance but he still has a ways to go, we shall see what happens now. The ball truly is in his court now, the results will depend solely upon him .

Also I got to spend a few hours with him yesterday,which is rare these days especially since he has not been coming home in like 2 weeks. He brought his friend with him and they helped us kill and dress16 chickens. They were the last of what my wife calls "the Bubbas" because they are freakishly huge and fast growing. These girls( we ordered all pullets) dressed out to like 6-7 lbs. each. Try finding those in your grocery store. If you do I bet they will be expensive ( since every thing is now).
So it was a great day and night. After we were done killing and cleaning up the mess, I asked them if they would want to go out to dinner with us ( I know neither of us wanted to cook after that) and they accepted . We went to a buffet A pretty good one actually( I have a real aversion to buffets in general) a Chinese place with not a lot of Chinese food. It was ok, and every one ate(very rare indeed).
So, I guess while we aren't out of the woods yet, there is some hope and a little bridge mending going on in my family. I know I should not be saying this stuff really , but I am very hopeful and no matter what, I love my son. I love them all and I want them all to know it. I am still only one man and I can't be everything to everyone or have unlimited time to spend with everyone. But I do with all my heart love all these kids. I hope they can see that and learn that they can depend on me.
My oldest is still waiting to be moved to a drug treatment center, but I am trying to keep up with letter writing. I know how important those are when you are locked up. It's solid evidence that someone does love you and is thinking about you. Phone calls are nice, but letters, you can pull them out and read them again and again.
So if you are reading this please join me in a little thank you prayer, because God gave me these kids and He can take them away. My life is meaningless without them.
Lord, Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you
AMEN

I'm not really a very good example right now

I have had approximately 4 beers ( a lot for me ) And I have the slightest buzz but I am going to post this any way.
Please forgive me if you are one of those people who can't drink alcohol.
the last few days have been a little chaotic and I am teetering on a for real depression.
My son 15 ( the idiot) has been home twice as far as I know, I did get to talk to him and touch him last night , but it still doesn't look too good. He is at a friend's house tonight as well. He has barely been home in 2 weeks. I feel powerless in the situation, seems that the state can't make him do any more than I can. so that is one issue.
Then there is Otis. Otis is the dog that my wife and I got on our 1 day honeymoon because we had a whole day and no one to take care of , so we needed a dog.
The day before yesterday, he bit one of the kids. not like a nip on the hand ( the boy is fine) but a for real bite, aggressive conflict over food bite. Like this is serious. If it was someone else's dog, I would just say kill him & be done with it. But this is my dog that loves me like you would not believe. He is one of 2 best dogs in the whole world. I can't stand the thought of putting him to sleep and I am afraid he will be scared and bite a stranger that tries to take him. So here we are. Johanna asked me if I would help pay for it if we found a vet to pull all of his teeth out. I am actually thinking that this is a way I can keep my dog, I know it is a selfish thing and The kid didn't deserve to be bitten. I also wonder about putting Otie through this much pain and what his quality of life will be without teeth. He loves rib bones.
There are other contributing issues to my depressed state,Like my wife living in a different house to get away from the kid who refuses to come home.
Ah yes life is grand at times.
I am still hopeful that things will get better and I am sure they will eventually.
I sure hope so.

Towers

I am now thinking about this and I can't shake it so easily,
I read 2 blog posts that got me thinking and after a really long comment on one I decided that I should just write my own post.
So, here goes.
Jeff was talking about the difference in ascending and seeking. We need to seek God and His kingdom, but not try to ascend to it. Only God can make that connection successfully. He has to initiate it, He has to bring it about. We can build all the towers or temples we want but we
will never get to God on our effort.
My personal journey has been one of my effort giving way to grace , repeatedly over the years. Just when I think I've got it down, the rug gets pulled out from under my feat and my tower comes crashing down.
I see things a lot differently than I did a few years ago.
Some things have not changed: I believe that Jesus is The only son of God and our only hope in this life. I believe that he was crucified, died, buried and rose again on the third day.
I pretty much believe all of the stuff I learned as a small child in a Baptist Sunday school (except for that sinners prayer crap).
Now I do believe that we make a decision for Christ, but I think saying some words has little or nothing to do with it and certainly not just repeating what some public speaker is saying.
I think that good theology is important, but not the key. I think we can be very wrong and still make it to heaven and likewise very right and miss Heaven. I also question what has been ingrained in me about Heaven and wonder if God didn't mean something entirely different than what we reduce it to. Sure pearly gates and streets of gold sound good but that could just be the best description that John could come up with ( since he was just a man like me) .
I think that claiming to have all the answers is a sure sign of how far off the mark we are. At least in my life this has been true.
I have pretty much stopped attending "church" services because it doesn't help me do what is important. Because I feel like those same services ,for me are my golden calf.
I used to attend a large church in the area. I would serve as an usher, stay late, come early Put my kids and wife through hell because it was that important to me.
My efforts, how stupid.
I still ended up divorced, I still went to prison, I still ruined my own life and adversely effected the lives of the people that I said were the most important to me, my kids.
My effort is shit.
God has made all of the real changes that have taken place in me. There are a few like, I grew a heart. Like the way I feel when I see a small child now. Like the way I can't take the news any more. I just can't deal with it. I will never forget the look on my mom's face when she asked me if everything was alright because I was crying watching the news. There is too much weight in this life when it is just what you know about around you. the weight of the world can crush you if you let it. I also see the importance of loving those around me, that I didn't choose. My family my neighbors the people I meet at work or the grocery store. Trying to be Jesus all the time is really hard. It's kind of a relief to know that my efforts are pointless. Takes off a whole lot of pressure.
It also allows me to give someone else the benefit of the doubt. Turns out , their efforts don't matter either.
Peace

Dad

Happy Father's Day!
I know I let you down sometimes, I know that I would be ashamed to call me son. But, You are always so patient with me and I want to thank you for that.
For always being there in my times of weakness and need. When I am just acting stupid and rebelling against you, your love is still constant.
Many times over you have proven yourself to me, not that you ever owed me an explanation but you are just so understanding of what it's like for me. You know how it is to be where I am.
I could never deserve the love you give me but you love me just the same because I am yours.
Thanks for that, I think you are really cool for that. Some people may look at you and see something different, they say you don't understand or that you are cruel or angry. Obviously they don't know you like I do. Because if you had cause to be angry, you certainly would have it with me. But every time come back having spent everything, dirty and ashamed, you never worry about getting dirty giving me a great big hug. You look past the filthy rags and matted hair, the incredible stink that must be on me that I can no longer smell from wallowing in it, and you see your precious son who you love who you would not let go. Ever.
Yeah,
Thanks for that .
Oh, uhh . I love you too.

My day off

Today Is my day off , so I will make this short so then I can go back to spending time with Johanna and the kids.
This morning we got up slow, had some coffee, I helped with watering and feeding of animals and then we watched Bella together.
I thought this was a really well done picture with really incredibly powerful imagery.
In some ways I can relate to the story. We all have broken lives in some sense. Events in my life were similar ( though I think the main character's was worse than my own) but I have done time in prison, wrecked my own life and continue to deal with the consequences of the injury I have caused.
My family has paid as well, my mom, my oldest sons all paid a price for the decisions I have made. The good news? God is bigger than all of that. I can do stuff differently than I used to. I can choose love I can choose grace.
I could use some now and then too, But I think what is most important for me, is the way I freely give what has been given.
A lot of days my life really stinks. But I can still love someone or show them that they have some value.

update

Well,
Just to update the people who have read this blog recently, my son has come back.
I think I will hold off the celebration because we still have some distance to go.
I just hope that he will see that I am for him and not against him.
When you are 15 no one understands you, I remember that. But the main reason no one understands is because we don't make any freakin sense.
I hope this will all turn out ok & I will get my whole family back. I don't count on it, I don't think I could take the let down if I let my self believe that God will repair my family & then it doesn't happen. I already did that once and nearly lost my mind( I did lose my freedom and my right to vote and my right to bare arms{not that I did any way} And that wasn't pretty or fun) I also lost years of my oldest boys lives and I think that had a major part in creating the monsters that rage inside each of my older son's hearts.
Granted, their mother did not help the situation. But I still bare some of that responsibility.
I am tempted ( but I refuse ) to trash their mom right here. She is still actively not helping.
I think God that in the end , we are all accountable for our own actions or lack there of. He will judge each of our hearts( and does I believe) we will all answer for our own lives.
You know it sure would be great though if some bolt of lightning came down hit us all and we just "got it" that instant. If we could all just love each other the way we should.
I guess it's not just the problem with my family, but with the whole world.


oh , oh ..
Check out the hyacinth that is blooming in the little pond that Johanna built.. it's real pretty.

Reality

this is the most real thing I think about right now. My 15 year old has run away. He may just be staying away for a little while, but I haven't seen him in 2 days. I wish he would come home.
I reported him as a run away this morning with the sheriffs department.
Maybe I am completely wrong in the way I am going about this whole thing. But, I honestly don't know what to do about a son who will come in whenever he feels like it and not go to school or just skip a lot of classes.
I wish I could write about some spiritual truth that was revealed to me, but all I have in my head is this. My son who I love , is gone. He is probably ok, but I have no way of knowing.
I hope he is alright and will come home soon. I hope .

Wisdom

Prayer,
that's one thing I am slacking in.
Not that my efforts are what matters. I think I know enough now to say that my efforts are squat. But that doesn't mean I should stop doing everything.
Not that my lack of spiritual discipline is the reason things continue to go pretty bad in my life. Things went bad when I was extremely disciplined. The big difference being I felt the right and almost the need to be morally/ spiritually superior(in my mind) and in turn condescending to people I should have been loving.
Now, especially in my lethargy (spiritually speaking) I feel like have no right to consider myself higher up than anyone. I do in some ways feel enlightened, but only because of the process of humiliating myself over and over again. Every thing I once considered concrete, turns out was shifting sand. But, I'm ok with that now. I can say I don't know and I can try to just love people instead of imparting some profound wisdom to them. Yeah, as if I ever was in a place where I could point to me as an example.
The thing is right now I feel a bit like I'm adrift on an unknown sea. Like I used to have something solid to stand on, but now every thing is kind of changing constantly and swirling around me, I feel a little sea sick I guess. I'm not sure what lurks in the shadows down there, I am intrigued and apprehensive about looking down there. Do I really want to know?
My whole life feels pretty chaotic and it seems like I am working really hard to get nowhere.
I wish I knew what I need to do to come out of this ok. For my kids to be ok. For my marriage to make it and for life to come back to some form of normal that I can count on. Is that a lot to ask? I don't feel like I really want a lot out of life. I want to be loved for who I am, I want to see our kids grow up to be healthy happy men who can adapt and handle life as it comes to them. I want to meet my grandchildren and have time to spend with them. I want to be able to live and enjoy the ones I love right now, not someday far away when I am too old to jump on a trampoline & not go to the hospital. I want to play my guitar loud and sing loud and chase little kids around with a box on my head. I want to live and it seems like life gets in the way a lot.
Maybe I am expecting too much. Maybe my effort is too little. I feel like it will never be ok and things will just continue to go wrong and I will never have peace, because this is what I have earned. A life of chaos and discontent and sad self loathing. Nothing seems to go right, for long.
I suppose that's reason enough to pray.
Oh I did take a couple of cool pictures yesterday, that wasn't so bad...

This really sucks

I'm feeling kind of unsatisfied with my life right now. I know that there are lots of people in the world who have it much worse than me and I tend to not do a lot about my circumstances, but still.
I feel like my relationship with my 15 year old son is broken beyond repair. Probably not , I mean God can fix anything right? But I'm not even sure why it is so broken to begin with. All I want is for us to have a happy family and to live together in peace. But he has seemingly checked out of family life. Maybe that is sort of normal but I hate it. I hate that my son doesn't trust me or want to spend any of his time with me. I have very limited time to spend and he is always gone, even when he is grounded. I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this..

This was the kid who wanted to spend time with me. This was the kid who loved me so much. I don't understand. I understand his brother's rebellion. But not this.
Where did I go wrong? What can I do to fix it? Can it be fixed? Is this how it will be forever?
All I know is, this really sucks..
Night

Oh Yeah

I also found this really good beer. Just thought I would mention it. I have never seen it before today, but I am pretty impressed. I think I could really get to like this stuff..
Have a great night.

T'was a long night

Ok so, that said I decided that I have not been writing enough so i am writing this now before I go to sleep. That is pretty much the time that I have most of my computer time. I use one at work sometimes but mostly for like , you know; work related stuff.
Yes ever since the time change, nights have been pretty special.
What I have found is that people's stomachs are not subject to time changes. Because the restaurant I work for closes @ 9:00 on week nights and during the winter business is mostly over after about 7:30 , not so now. We have been getting a nightly rush @ about 8:15 or so, really messing up my routine.
I can look forward to getting out at about 10:00 when the end is nice and slow. but this crap lately has me there later and later.
I suppose I should be happy I have a job, and I am. But man would I love to have a day job, not just a day and night job, but always nights. The thing is, we only have 3 managers and someone has to be there all the time. So, for now that is how it is.
Did I mention that I am very thankful for this job? I am , really. My boss is a good man that is very honest with me I think. Sometimes he seems a bit outdated in his thinking, but he is a good honest , hard working man (much more than I could say for my last boss).

I am also here now to express my concern for my son, again. I am planning on going to court tomorrow to have an ex-parte' put on him. It is pretty much like a Baker act. I am hoping to get him a mental evaluation through this.
I can't explain why he has been acting the way he has for the past few months. But, I am pretty sick of it and I think that loving my son is not letting him do what ever he wants at that moment. I am really frustrated right now with him. He always seems so distant and angry. The fact is I didn't do anything that he should be this angry.
I know life is not a bowl of cherries. But no one's is. I am just hoping that we can get things turned around for him before too long. I would so much rather be extending privileges to him. But I really can't right now. I am really sleepy now I think i need to go.. Good night all.
Peace

What a day

Happy Mother's Day!!!!
I know by the time anyone reads this MD* will be over, but I figured I would get that out of the way at least.
I had a hard day, not that work was that hard , but man was I tired and felt like crap all day.
It was really pretty slow for such a holiday. When I was working for a very well known restaurant chain MD* was the busiest day of the whole year. Apparently not for my current job.
It seemed like an excruciatingly long day and I felt as if I was caught between two dimensions all day to boot!
In layman's terms," it sucked" .
part of it was fatigue because I have barely slept in like two weeks and tomorrow I go to an interview about my 15 year old son with juvenile justice . It's gonna be a party!!! WOO HOOO!!!!!
So iam trying to make myself sleepy ( because of course I am wide awake now) by drinking beer and eating some frozen chimichangas with mole' all over them. They are delicious ( for frozen Mexican food) I just hope this combination works it's magic on me and I sleep soon.
As far as I know the women who I love the most in this whole world are having a fairly favorable opinion of me today ( I sure hope it didn't change) and that was a comfort.
Still is in fact, I do love my mom and my wife so very much. Most of the time they even like each other. I like that too.
God must have smiled on me a little any way.
Good night..

Tagged

OK, Sarah Tagged me for this meme (could some one tell me how to say that?) so here is my response.
It's called " The six word memoir" any way here are the rules:

1. Write the title to your own memoir using 6 words.
2. Post it on your blog.
3. Link to the person that tagged you.
4. Tag five more blogs.

Hmm.. Six words. ok here goes..

"Shaun: Trapped within his own mind"

I think I will leave it at that..
I tag:
Tera Rose

WaynO

Kristen

Erika

Johanna

You're it !!!!!!

GOATS, GOD & LOVE

This is Cocoa, he is a Nigerian dwarf goat and hopefully will be the father of coming Nigerian dwarf goats. We shall see what happens.
We also just got this other goat, as far as I know she is not named as of yet . I guess we are still working on a name. But, she is beautiful.

I am extremely happy to report that Cocoa has calmed down a lot ever since this baby girl arrived. There are a couple of female goats on the property across from us and I think this scent has partially driven him mad along with the fact that he came from a place where he had other goats to do goat stuff with. Cocoa has been a lonely boy for a couple of months(Oh he has dogs, but I don't think he really likes them much) and then there are a bunch of chickens ( more of an annoyance to him than companionship) .
So this is on our quest to live a slightly greener life by growing some of our own food and such. Hopefully baby girl goat will provide us with precious milk and we may or may not keep more goats. Also something still to be determine.

My wife is off with our neighbor this morning, being Jesus to people in need again.
One thing I love about her, she does this incarnational God thing kind of naturally. She would probably deny it, but to me that is what it is. She is always talking about being spiritually inferior to other people ( or eluding to their low opinions of her) but she just does it. She has her problems, but don't we all? Even those spiritually superior people ( of which I may be included in at times) are guilty of not loving her when they are looking at her as less than them.
Jesus said it so simply , as you have done unto the least of these. I think it's too simple for us sometimes. We are like," that can't be it" but, that's it... Love, That is all..

exhaustion

This is getting really stupid. I am barely sleeping and man is it catching up with me.
I am going to go try and sleep in a few minutes.
My son is getting more out of control , my marriage is iffy at best right now.
( the good news is my mom likes me this week)
oh yeah , we also got a goat this morning, I am not sure if this will benefit me at all , but what ever. We already had one, but we aren't getting any milk from cocoa ( be cause cocoa is a HE ) so we got a SHE. so I guess wee shall see what will be. SEE?