It's late & I'm lonely

Hi,
My name is Shaun.
I'm 39 I have grey & redish brown hair, I am 5'9" tall with a stocky build. I could use to lose a few pounds.
I also ( contrary to popular belief ) am not depressed..
I have my moments, my life is really hard and I tend to just let what ever is on my mind flow right out onto the page. But, I am not suicidal or even thinking about hurting myself or anyone else( except for my 15 year old son who frustrates me pretty much on a daily basis, But I do love him so).

So, if you were worried about me, I apologize, really.

I am not sure my life will ever be easy.I am not sure I would appreciate the good times if there weren't so many bad times.

There are people in my life that think my venting on this blog is a dangerous red flag for what is really going on under the surface. Good news!!! Nothing ( and I mean absolutely nothing) is going on here. Yeah I get sick of dealing with people's crap. Yes I get aggravated and impatient with people. Yes I get my feelings hurt and I am very disappointed.
But I am not without hope.
This should actually be really good news for you ( whom ever you may be) because, if I have hope, How much better off so many people in the world are.. Of course, I know there are so many that are so much worse off than me.
I guess that is one reason I am so hopeful. I believe that God is doing something that I can't fully understand in my life & the lives of many many people around me.
Maybe that is just a part of the mystery.. I think so , what do you think?

I'm glad God's not mad that I didn't go to church today..

Yeah, uh , I didn't make it to church (again) today...
I did have an ok day, I had to work ( as usual ) but, I didn't have to pick up one tract or defend my belief in Jesus as the Christ.. I did get pretty aggravated at one point and used some unsavory language. Actually , twice ( the second time was when I was alone though ) ..
I did get to see my wife and kids this morning ( all but my 15 year old son who was at his mom's and my 20 year old who is in jail but was just sentenced to 6 months in Cardinal house which is a drug treatment , life skills and psychiatric treatment center in ST PETE. )
But my 15 year old was here when I got home , I was really glad about that.
It was a long day , I am pretty tired. I will have to do it again tomorrow, only it will be worse.
But, that's ok. I'm used to this I guess.. Right now work is easier than home, not that home is all that bad , I'm just never quite sure where I stand and it seems like most of the people I really care about would probably just walk away from me if they didn't depend on me to help meet their needs.
I wonder how I got here? How do I get out of here?
This is not the life I want. But do any of us really get that? I mean does that happen really?
I'm not convinced, they nod & say yes, but I doubt it.
My ex-wife thought she would have the life she wanted ... Sad long story , but not what she wanted..
I don't know personally very many people who are actually happy.. Do these people exist?
I'm not sure..
I'm just glad that God understands and is with me. Because frankly, right now, this sucks and if I didn't believe that God is with me and does love me and has a purpose for my life that I just can't see right now because of all the crap, I would consider just blowing my brains all over this keyboard..

Yeah, I'm glad God's not mad that I didn't go to church today..

Relationships are really hard
They seem to be especially hard for me. I'm not sure if it is just my unrealistic expectations or if I am just socially challenged. But when I get close to someone(any one) it always seems to get complicated and messy.
I think a lot about what the future of my children is. I also think about my marriage and wonder if it will last even 1 more year. I really can't answer those either , I don't feel like I have a reference point that I can rely on to guide me in any of this chaos.
I have a son I have almost written off. He walked away from me and I let him and now he would like to come back and live with me, but I can't trust him. So, I have almost no contact with him.
I seem to wrestle every day with my gut reactions and preserving my relationships. If I just react the way I feel like reacting, I will have no one .
Sometimes though, it seems like I am losing myself because I stifle my emotions and reactions.
how do I avoid all of the pain I see coming? Can I? I hope so, doesn't really look good right now.

I think about God , I think about Jesus and the way he reacted while he was walking this earth.
Can I do that? Can I keep my passions and tell the truth without demolishing my entire life? I'm not really sure at this point. I often wonder what is most important, I am afraid even at almost 40 I still feel ill-equipped to deal with life at times.
I know I am a survivor, and I will find a way to live. But I also question that and whether that is even right in God's eyes. I really do want to please God and I really do love my family and I wish things didn't always have to be so hard. It seems it's my lot in life for stuff to just be hard and messy and complicated.
Most days I can barely pray lately. I used to pray as a discipline every morning for at least 30 min. followed by devotions and bible study. I don't think all of that is necessary , but I did think I was doing some stuff right then. Of course that could just be my own pride too. I remember just before I stopped doing this morning devotion that I would also look at the clock when I was done praying that morning, kind of like a little pat on my own back .So now I question even the motivation I had for doing it in the first place.
Maybe I was looking for protection or favor or that things would get better( which they did not by the way at least during that time in my life) . I was in a pretty broken place at that time , so maybe it wasn't all bad motives. But I did begin to get a sense of spiritual superiority because I was doing it. The key object in that sentence I think is "I". I was doing it, I felt it I studied it I prayed on it, I I I ....
Still even in my efforts to do for other's benefits It all seems to come back to I .
Maybe I am really that selfish and self- centered .. It could be what keeps ruining my life. Or it could be my big fat mouth?
Who knows?

Work

Tonight was good . Stressful, but good.
Things aren't really any different at home but I am in a good
mood. I am pretty tired but wide awake. Why is it that I can be so tired
and so wound up after working all night? I don't think I'm alone in this.
For now, I will read a few more blogs, check some email and have some
semi-decent beer. Maybe I will be sleepy in a little while . I hope so
I would like to go to church again tomorrow I think. I'm not completely
sure about it but I do like it in this church at least I like some of
the things I have heard there. I wish I could find some more people to
really "Be" the church with , but I have yet to find those types of
relationships ( at least in a group setting ) .
I hope tomorrow will be good in some ways I dread it because
Sunday is usually bad at work. We shall see.
Peace

Holidays

Today was a really incredible day.
I got up & went to church by myself. It wasn't that bad, but I find myself really distracted and distant today in church. I think that's not really normal for me , especially on Easter.
There are many issues in my life at this moment that keep my mind occupied most of the time and I am not really focusing well on anything. But, it is getting better.
I did my best to spend some time with people that I love today. I wish they could love each other. Sometimes it seems like they do, then at others it's like being caught in between warring factions.
My life is pretty chaotic, sort of fitting for Easter I guess. How Chaotic must it have been for the early believers on that day? I am sure they were happy at the prospect of Christ being raised from the dead, but at the same time I bet they were afraid to let their hearts guards down and just believe it .
I am at this place personally where I know that God has spoken something to me about the situation, but I am always looking with my eyes and trusting my feelings . I have been lead down that path before, I find myself fighting it and giving in to it only to realize I am giving in again then trying to stand with more resolve than before.
This is really hard for me and frankly,
it sucks!!
I am realizing more that a "church" may not be the place for my worship. I mean I know that.
My life has to be worship, today only strengthened that need for change in me. I want to do the easy thing, I want to just go to a church and get preached to and get filled , maybe prayed for and go back to my life of ease.
If it were only that easy.
As I drove from the service this morning , I found myself in this dialog with God about what just happened. So what now? I'm not an organizer or a really charismatic leader of men. How and where do I find fellowship with people I can interact with and relate to? It seems very far from here. I am in like church mecca (Central Florida) you can't throw a rock without hitting a church building here. The thing that makes this even more real to me is the fact that I don't see people changing because of all the religion in this town. It seems very much out of context and ineffective to keep doing the same thing. Even personally, where I was once feeling like a church addict and I was getting fresh revelations every week, now it is leaving me kind of flat,kind of empty . Like it is just going through the motions and trying to be correct.
Maybe being right doesn't matter that much , or maybe it only matters when it comes to your heart.
Mine is breaking, but I am hopeful.

I still believe Romans 8:28 is true and in context with all times in history and all places and all circumstances.
This is ALL for my good and for all of us.
Happy easter I hope it was a really wonderful day for you all,
Peace Be With You

it is really late

I think I don't sleep enough...
I should work on that.

What's important? Really.

That's what I am asking myself today.
I did take some time for myself and with my 15 year old today I think it helped me to clear my mind somewhat. I am thinking about this Question," What would Jesus tell me to do right now?"
I really don't know for sure, but I think it has to do with love.
One thing that keeps coming into my mind the last few days is how to love. What do I need to do to love? How is that even possible? It seems really hard to not react with the urge that is inside me. An urge that pushes me toward an agenda of self-preservation. The urge that tells me to defend myself. No one can do that to me , they must not know who I am. I have been to the land of Killas & Gorillas and I lived, thrived even. I can be strong I have had to, don't make me prove it.
My natural reaction. My Flesh?
I think this is NOT what Jesus would do. I could try and justify what I want to do, in the ears of most people that I know pretty much anything I would do would be justified. But then there were people who told me I was justified in the Severe injuries I gave to the man I went to prison over .
That is another reminder as well, of how strong I was, how self sufficient how PROUD.
I am a living testimony of how pride comes before a fall. Check it out it's in proverbs somewhere.

Maybe If I can love , just simply love and not react in some irrational, emotional way I will get my family back. Maybe not.
Maybe My ends aren't the purpose of this at all. Maybe I will lose them all for good .
but , maybe, I might; learn something.
How to love. in the face of adversity, in the middle of my personal crisis I might learn to let that go and actually rely on God.
I mean I doubt I will actually learn ( given my track record) But, it could happen. ....

there is nothing good to say

Right now , I totally hate my life. I wish it wasn't like this . But, it is.
I know it could be worse, Not having an easy time seeing that right now. I guess today is just one more shining example of how much I miss the mark, my laziness, my inadequacies, my general lack of life skills.
Yeah so I'm not the greatest parent, Who is? Show me some great example of the perfect parent and I'll show you some one who knows how to lie pretty good and has some skeletons in their closet. I feel pretty hurt and pretty mean right now. I guess for me they go hand in hand.
Maybe some sort of defense mechanism?
Yeah , you know I dropped out of high school, did a bunch of drugs, got married to young ,ended up in prison, alienated my kids, family and everyone else that mattered to me. Looks like I have finally screwed things up here until my new wife is pretty sick of me too. Well , I guess that is how my life is going to go.
I really thought that we had something that would endure, we are so strangely suited for each other. But I have one skill and that is messing everything up. So here I go again. The one woman who was Just nuts enough to want to make it with me through this life is tired of my crap too. Can't say as I really blame her.

Tagged?

Hmmm.
I'm not completely sure how I feel about this Kristen
tagged me for this meme and I haven't done this before , so I will probably screw it up(disclaimer aside let's begin!!)
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Here are the rules:
(1) Link to the person that tagged you.
(2) Post the rules on your blog.
(3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
(4) Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
(5) Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website

Seems simple enough Let's PARTY !!! WOO HOO!!!

Ok now for the six Non-Important things about me :

1. I am a high school dropout.
Yes it's true , here I am a real life statistic on my very own blog(isn't technology wonderful?).

2. I love to fish!! Yes I know , you can't believe it, seems surreal . Well ; almost

3. I am married to Kristen's sister !! OOps!! strike that that is IMPORTANT!! I knew I would mess this up. Sheesh.

3 #2. I am in close proximity to people who regularly use the word LOOPTID. Now that is what I call non-important.

4. it's 2:47 a.m. oh hold on that's not about me... ummm ( Quiet buzzing sound accompanied by burning smell) oh oh I know , I am baffled and at the same time infatuated by/with Linux .
I keep trying to break my old 450 mhz computer ( made by a company that no longer exists) by re-partitioning the disc and seeing what version of Linux I can actually run on it. So far Zenwalk is the winner, but I cannot for the life of me get my wireless adapter to work.

5. I love sushi!! I mean love like in a passionate , personal way. It has captivated me since I first tried some about 2 years ago. I know am the proud owner of a rice cooker and there are always at least a few sheets of nori seaweed in my kitchen cupboard. Sushi to me is like eating art. When it is done right , it is just as pleasing to look at as it is to eat it . Yes in my opinion Japanese people are strange( at least the ones I have met ) but I now look at a raw piece of salmon and start to salivate.

6. I play the guitar ... sort of ..
I really like to play worship music ( if & when I can find a song that I can learn in less than an hour) and when I was in prison I used to play during our chapel service sometimes.
I used to try to learn all of this lead crap , complicated riffs that hurt my fingers and my head, but I decided a while ago that it was a lot more fun to just be a hack. So a hack is what I am , but I do enjoy it and I make up songs on-the-fly for little boys with no pants on to run around the house to . Yep this is the life.

ok so now: I am supposed to tag some people not sure who yet but I will try it and see if they like block all future comments from me. I will tag a couple of Opera people
I am tagging 1.Cheryl because I am so jealous of her farm life and 2.Bev because I can I will also tag my new compadre via the internet 3.Wayno
Well that is all that I can come up with for now so I broke the rules a little * .

Hope you all have a great day and are increadibly blessed by my pointless post .
Peace

Hope

This is going to be short because I am up too late once again. It seems like weeks since I have slept an appropriate amount. So many thoughts and my own emotions keeping me up at night. Not to mention the internet. Not that I have been productive in any way on the net. I just read a bunch of blogs go through a bunch of crap on ebay & craigslist that I don't need and don't buy .
I haven't posted in quite a while and the last one was kind of negative . I apologize for that. My Sister-in-law made me realize today that I am being a jerk. Yes my life is kind of screwed up, my son wants me to kill him and I feel at least 100 years old, but I am alive and I have people who love me and we had a London broil for dinner( with my wife's recent vegetarian-esqe diet that is a feat) .
I am struggling with my everyday life, but I am not giving up. My son is probably going to a house , normally for run-aways but for kind of a relax and regroup session. Actually it is a definite, he will go tomorrow. I am sad that this is what it takes , but our family counselor said that this is good and a sign there are still things here to work with. I hope he's right, because I feel like I am going to snap on my kid and that is not a good feeling. Maybe this time will be good for us all.

a stinky poop place

Tonight seemed like a pretty long night. I was at work from about 12:30 today( I was supposed to go in @ 4 but I was asked to come in early when one cook whined and cried about being there or being sick or something and another one just outright called in). So ( especially after sleeping too late and missing church ) I had a real attitude when I got to work. Did I mention that my wife seem ALOT less than pleased when I left. Add to this that when I got there it wasn't all that busy.
But, we did end up doing a pretty good business for the day. I can't believe I missed church today. Although I think Johanna has all but given up on the idea of going to church with little kids anymore. I really wanted to go today and I missed it. No huge loss I guess, I am sure God will forgive me for a few missed church services. But I really like it there and they have sort of a Sunday school after the main service(which I can never attend because I always work on Sunday) and I was going to go to it this morning because I didn't have to go in till 4, Yeah right.
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So I guess I am wondering, what is going on with me? I have stress, we all do.
I am tired a lot of the time, pretty normal for me. I am just in this funk, seems like no one can see the good in me right now. Maybe that is just my perception of how things are, but it makes for a crappy week if you ask me.
Basically, I feel disconnected. Disconnected from God, my family, other people around me, like I just accidentally cut the tether between myself and the mother ship, I am slowly drifting away and there isn't anything to grab or push off of to send me back in that general direction.
It's dark and cold and lonely, you would think by now I would be comfortable in this place.
I'm not. It's a stinky poop place.
The very odd thing about this is, the more isolated I feel , the more of a tendency to isolate myself. Isn't that strange? I really want to go fishing , alone but I am way too tired right now.
Peace

The journey

Today was a good day. I mean it could have been worse. I was at work all day and I guess it was ok. I pretty much just deal with my job right now . I never really had a dream f being a restaurant manager I just ended up doing it so I could use what skills I do have to make a little more money than I was making. Since we have a household of 6 people right now and was 7 at one time, I felt we needed the security of that salary.
I guess there is no real point to this dialog except that I feel more and more that maybe there is something else I should be doing. The problem I guess is that I have made so many bad choices in my life that I don't have a lot of options.
I keep getting this sense that I'm not living out my faith the way I am meant to. I try to be as real as I can, not easy in the restaurant biz. It's actually part of the job to kind of fake like you love every person that comes in with money. Sometimes I really like my job, sometimes I really hate it.

I wonder how contextual my role in this place is. Does what I do every day make any difference at all in the world? Does my life make any sense in relation to the kingdom of God? I wonder.
I know that God is real, I know from personal experience that He cares about me. While He owes me nothing, not even an explanation or any kind of demonstration, He has taken the time and initiative to show me certain things , like for instance, love. So here I am , I find my self in a place where for the most part I did not plan on wondering if in fact God can use this mess that is my life. I think I already know He can, it just seems impossible to me sometimes. I wonder how many people feel the same way I do right now? I am confident that this is not the end of the story and that there are great things ahead. I just have really bad vision at times.
Peace

I SUCK

Yes that's right folks you heard it here , ummm... well just now. I really do ask anyone, I am no good . Just thought I would let you guys know , thanks .

New Year

Man am I tired .
Last night we stayed up way too late ( watching Mystery Science Theater) and I had to work all day ,I did get to sleep in a bit though , so that was cool.
I am really hopeful for this year, I am trying not to put any huge expectations on any of us for this year but I am extremely hopeful.
I think it's going to be good, we have pulled all 4 of our (still living at home) kids out of public school. Johanna And I both agree that the way things are going here in public school is not what we want for our kids. So far so good , we haven't really done that much in the way of school yet , but they were going on vacation any way so we let them have a break. In the next few weeks we will see what unfolds in our home.
I also made a resolution to make no resolutions, usually they are just a set up for failure and why put yourself through that? I really don't see the point. I think that if I want to something about me or the way I do something the answer is not to wait for a new year, but to take that moment and decide to change it right then.
I am also very hopeful about my oldest son , who is in jail right now. I hope that God will apprehend him similar to how the police did. I know God has been working on him because prayers have been going up for some time for Tim. I just want him to be able to live a good life and to be able to look back and say it wasn't just a waste. I know inside he wants a good life , he has just been buying into the lies of the enemy and has royally screwed up his life, but I believe that it can change.
There are a lot of things that I would like to change in my life , not all are easy to do for instance I would like to work less. But, this seems extremely far fetched right now. I would have to change jobs( a very scary prospect for me) and I don't really have any great marketable skills. Sure I have a lot of good general knowledge and i can cook pretty good. But cooking is not the best occupation when you have 4 kids at home. I am a manager not because I love to manage or I like to tell people what to do, but because I can count on that paycheck to be at least so much every time. it's a trade off I guess. Of course if I could find a job with 401k, insurance and make like $15 per hour I would probably take it , especially if I could work days.
When I was younger I used to work for a pretty good company and work like 35-40 hrs per week. I really didn't know how good I had it. I had so much more free time, people often times don't realize how valuable that free time is. I used to take my canoe to work with me in the morning and if I got off early I would go fishing or just paddling around the mangroves for a couple of hours. Yep that part was pretty cool.
Any way I am looking at this year with optimism and trying to think about what I would like to see happen in this upcoming year. I know that my spiritual journey (and ours) is taking some new turns. The way I think about Church has been evolving for some time and my wife agrees with me for the most part. We didn't go to a church for a while just because of the difficulty we had getting there for an 8:30 a.m. service , plus the pastor that made us feel so welcome as a couple left and they still have no pastor.
I feel kind of like we gave up on them, but not really it was mostly just really hard for me to get there when I am usually working on Sat. night and @ noon on Sundays.
So, we found a church and we both think God has led us there. It has been a process and if a year ago some one had told me they were thinking the way I have been thinking , I would question their salvation, so much can change in a year.
So I guess that's where I am at. Big changes for our family , for our church, hopefully they will be good. Either way, we will press on and try to live the best way we know how.
Peace

Yeah , that would be cool

I am up really early today , not sure why I just woke up @ 5 & I can't go back to sleep . So , that's ok, I would really love it if this very noisy cat would go somewhere though .
I haven't been getting that much sleep, but for some reason I can't sleep any more today. I guess I am thinking too much. I have been thinking a lot about different things. About my family about God about all the things that are wrong in this world. I guess if I let them my thoughts could just take over my life, some days they do.
Maybe I should think less, you know the old cliche ,"less is more" . Yeah .
Christmas was awsome, I really enjoyed my whole family except for my oldest son who is still in Jail. But I did get to hear from him that day and he sounded so much better than he has in a long time. Man I tell ya, when he is clean he is a completely different person. But the drugs take over. He is the kind of addict that you can't leave alone, you have to watch him every second and you never know what he is going to do next. He must be a real hoot to get high with.
The one thing that has caused me the most pain has been my inability to reach Tim. I used to make him go to church with me when he lived with me. I don't think it made a difference for him at all, maybe planted a seed in him, but over all I doubt that my forcing him to go to a place he hated was doing him any good.
Now he is in jail. I know how that is , it really sucks. Especially if you are like him and have no money and medical problems. They basically keep him in solitary confinement(it's the medical ward ) 23 hour lock down 1 hour out a day to go out to rec or make phone calls, no tv not much to do at all. The one thing this has done for Tim is made him stop and think . One thing about being locked up, you are forced to be alone with yourself. You can't drown your thoughts out with music or activity. Some times in prison you can get drugs, but I would estimate that this is fairly rare. Tim is in county, he is really extremely bored, I know.
He told me that he has been reading the bible, I hope he has , I mean I believe him, I just hope it is making some sort of sense or at least making him ask some reality questions. I don't think my son is well, mentally that is. At least when he is using (which was all the time) he shows all of the major signs of being a psychopath. He has no regard for anyone else. He hasn't thought about the ways he hurts people in a long time. I believe that somewhere in that boys head there is still a good person, I hope so. And you know as a dad , I can never shake that image of him as a child . My heart breaks for him because even though I know it is largely self-inflicted, he has a lot of pain in his life. I want it to stop, or at least become manageable for him.
I ask that if you read this , you would pray for Tim, Because you know what?I'm not ready to give up on him. I know he thinks I have , I know my mom and probably his mom think I have, but I haven't . I have come close , he can't live with me. But I will always love him , if he killed hundreds of people or became the most evil thing I could imagine (a lawyer) I would still love him. ( the lawyer thing was a joke, I was getting way too serious there) . Bottom line , I love my son. He is no different than any of the rest of my kids (including the one I did not provide any DNA for ) and I will always love him. I hope that some day we can have him around on holidays and maybe even some other times too. Yeah , that would be cool .
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I do also want to say that Christmas was really great in spite of the Tim thing and the fact that I was pretty broke (still am, I need to pay my electric today by 5 to keep the luxury of electric light). Because of some act of God in my favor I was able to provide my kids with the second coolest Christmas toy you can receive ( A drum roll would be appropriate here ) ************
*********** AIR HOCKEY!!!!!**************** and here it is in all of it's awsome wonder

I hope your Christmas was this cool.
Peace

Saturday night/ Sunday morning rambling

Today was a strange day for me. I'm not sure what is going on with me, but I feel like God is pulling on me in some way that I can't really figure out yet. What is it I am supposed to be doing?
I know that Something is going on here, I just don't see what my role is in this place where God has placed me. I can feel it , there is some thing , there is a purpose in all this madness. I have been listening to this series of talks about being missional and incarnational. This Michael Frost from Australia has been saying some things that are ringing true in my spirit. I can't deny that a lot in my own life must change and I find myself asking this question ,"Who am I?" . I don't really know, I know God has changed me I know that He has shown me favor in this life and has allowed some really hard (but maybe necessary) things to happen in my life.
So, I find myself here. Not a lot of planning went into this on my part. I am just trying to make ends meet the best I can I am not in love with my job , I wish I were but I do try to always remember that I am supposed to be holy and sinless. Really tough stuff.
I'm not good at being holy I am not sinless and I find that I really do want for more of the old sinful lifestyle I used to live.Who the hell am I kidding? I am still pretty sinful.
I can say , I love Jesus . I want to be more like him. I can say that I feel a burning passion to help , who ever it may be at different times with the things they need. I guess there are just times when I feel paralyzed, by my own guilt and shame, by my shortcomings. I am so not like Jesus, how am I supposed to be him to someone else? I really don't know, I pray that God will give me some direction in that.
Seems really complicated , but it's not it's just really hard.
Well , I am going to go get ready for church then I will go to work and try to be like Jesus . Especially on Sunday's it can be really tough to do with all that "church" crowd coming in leaving tracts and giving servers $2 tips for a $30 check. I am supposed to say ,"hey we aren't all like that , I don't look down on you ." But to follow actions that solidify the not yet Christian's position about Christianity or "church " people is pretty hard and it can get tiring
Peace be with you

HeartAche

Tonight I am not feeling very well.
I met a man today , his name is Randy. Well that is what he told me it was anyway.
He doesn't look good at all and came into my workplace to warm up. He seemed desperate and ashamed , but he also had an element of pride about him. I tried to talk to to him twice today. The second time I was able to talk to him more, but both times he ended up walking away from me as if I was just trying too hard or coming too close, like with a wild animal, you can get so close but the moment they feel threatened they run. Randy ran . Once he ran with a cup of coffee and a cigarette, the second with a few dollars. I drove home crying , I don't know why other than I can see my self or one of my children or parents being like him. He was kind of dirty , but aren't we all? What was so threatening to him about me? Am I trying to hard? do I really care about this man? I don't know him, have never seen him before today. But I cried because of him and I got kind of angry at another person at my workplace for calling him a bum. Randy didn't ask me for one thing. He did say he came in to warm up because it is kind of cold outside tonight. It's not that cold, but Randy doesn't look well and he is very thin. I don't know when or if I will get this man off of my mind.
I'm not sure I want to.
Peace

Old Souls

I just learned of this girl who ,in my opinion, has a very old soul. Amy Winehouse is a jazz/contemporary singer that I had never heard of before today.I am sort of out of the loop so to speak(I really don't watch t.v. and I mostly listen to christian radio when I do) I don't learn about a lot of trends until some one else tells me about it , or like today I stumble upon something that piques my interest.
I saw this article, about her mom issuing a plea for her to come home and they would help her get well.
Mrs. Winehouse, I can relate. I Have a son, 20 years old. that's him in the foreground. He has a drug problem,further complicated by his diabetes. He was diagnosed at 18 months old , so it has nothing to do with anything he (or we ) did or didn't do about his health. He was just chosen to have diabetes. It has been a heartbreaking road. I still find myself dealing wit conflicting emotions about him. I love my son, I really wish I could trust him. I wish I could take the desire to get high away from him. He has stolen from every member of his family and gotten himself into trouble and seems to have no concern for anyone around him. I watched this video and it made me sad. Because I see my son in those eyes. Amy is 4 years older than my son Tim , I think their generation is crying out for help that we aren't sure how to give. I can't wave a magic wand and make this world less sad. I can't fix every broken thing. I can't change the past , I know that we as parents hurt our kids(I know I hurt Tim) but we can't change the past, we can only move forward.
I know that I have failed my kids in many ways over the years. I have always loved them and I have always wanted a good life them, yes even for Tim , even now.
How did these kids get to this point? How does such despair grip someone so young ? What is it that hurts this bad? It hurts me to see the pain in my son's eyes or to hear the pain in the voice of such a beautiful young girl. Why can't they see that they have a future? It's not over yet, there is a life out there for you.
PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP

A Church Home?

I think we may be onto something here. Today was the second week in a row that I attended Beacon Community Church . I had been there before a long time ago , my wife and I went there and for what ever reason we didn't keep going. We did attend a church where her Mom goes ,a Lutheran Church. So any way I have not been attending any church in months, I felt that it was just too hard to try after working Sat. night to get up for an 8:30 a.m. service and , ever since the pastor that married us left the church, things have not been the same. He really made us feel welcome as a family. There was utter & complete acceptance for our sometimes annoying bevy of children. In this one man I think we saw a demonstration of grace that we wanted to emulate and that made "me "want to be there anyway. It was always different after he left and I don't want to sound like I am following after a man, I really try not to fall into that trap.
At any rate we all went to church together this week and it was really good. God spoke to me last week in a way that made me want to come back for more this week and I prodded the other members of this household to go this week,which we did. And this week God spoke to my wife and myself in a special way. We both had the same thought(even though I didn't say it to her) that,"This is the right place for us". Let me explain a little:
One thing that we have both been thinking about is,community and what that might look like here ,now or maybe in the future. How can we play a role in that?
We also have been thinking about what we can change here , in our home to make a difference in our children's lives and our own.
I have started reading a lot of stuff about the Emerging Church, New Monasticism and Post Modernism.
I think that God has put it on our hearts to change the way we think about everything and we have found evidence that this is really what God is doing.
I say ,"I think" not because I doubt what God is telling me, but only because I don't want to make assumptions about what God is telling Johanna, she is her own person unique and different from anyone else .
I know for sure that we agree on much of this stuff. We also went to a David Crowder Band concert for our anniversary and we both love his work and message(especially "Remedy" their new cd) which also talks a lot about works, not that our eternal salvation is about works, but we need to change things. This world is not going to last for our children's children the way we are living and doing business.
So today we went ,the first Sunday of Advent and it was a communion service. I have not taken communion in months (in the Lutheran church we take it every service) and I really needed to be a part of that again, I need to be in a body of believers and be fed with God's word. So any way the "conversation" was about Hope and how that relates to the Christmas story. How we have made it some fairy tale where there is all of this awe & wonder but no despair , no fear. We celebrate Jesus' birth but miss the reason for celebration.
So it was about moving into truth , not denying there are problems or trying to ignore our circumstances but facing fears and and loss and grief . Going head on , hoping in God knowing He loves us and is with us and we will be ok. That God will not fix everything for us but we will be ok. because he cares about us . He will not race to stop every perceived injustice that makes us uncomfortable,on our time table for our whims. But he will rescue us. He may have a different plan than what we think , but his is better anyway.
Also , during communion the guitar player played a song that spoke to both of us . It was familiar , a song by David Crowder "surely we can change" that will tear your heart out and show it to you (especially if you are in the same shape I am in lately)and if you are a lover of God , at some point you will have tears welling up (if you listen to the words).
So , I look over at my wife and she is sobbing. And I could tell that she was Not just distraught but she was feeling like I was and that maybe this is a good place for us. Because our walk with God (I believe ) MUST be personal, and our focus should be outward,but we also need that rest ,that encouragement we get from a corporate worship experience. I don't think that this should be my focus (any longer) but I think I need to be strengthened by that setting ,by others who are trying to walk this path and live the way God wants us to.
So, maybe ; we have found a church home.
PEACE BE WITH YOU

The Weight : Noun 1. The vertical force exerted by a mass as a result of gravity.

I feel it pulling me , compelling me . I see darkness and I see light I wrestle with both compulsion and revulsion, disgust and hope.
I'm not sure where I stand.
I feel lost, but I feel like I can't be lost.
The need of immense love to fill the unfathomable depth of the sorrow.
The theme of this planet seems to be a slow funeral dirge that stabs humanity in our collective soul, bleeding , feeling faint, we are all like ashen statues empty lifeless shells of people with purpose, people who loved , people who hated now it is nothing. Abyss. The darkness is growing , this place is cold, the love is dying .
Why?
What will we do ?
What will I do?
Could I fly? Could we? Are we just men and women, fleeting ,temporary?
Is this it? Where is this kingdom we seek & why does it elude us?
Are we blind? Deaf? Dumb? What the hell is the problem exactly?
And why,
as introverted and selfish as I am,
is this heaviness pulling me down so?

HAPPY THANKS GIVING

I thought I would share what our Thanks Giving Day was like .
Quite different from what it has been in past years (a change for the better)

We had a really good day in spite of Calvin freaking out somewhat.
We went to both parents houses (mine & Johanna's) and it was pretty good at both places, plus we didn't really have to cook. Calvin decided each time we arrived somewhere new that he did not want to be there. I think he really wanted to be at home. At Grandma Sue's house it was a little hectic until he fell asleep, when he woke up later , he was in a much better mood. I did get a picture of the 15 year old sleeping next to him at Sue's.

When we got to my mom's house It was the same story .
He wanted to go home and told me so . But, after we were there for about a half an hour he was fine and playing with all the other kids. My sister and brother were there with their kids . My mom's house is pretty small and it got loud and chaotic, but a good time was had by all. My mom also proved once again that she is one of the best cooks to come out of Appalachia. She made a ton of food and I think an army could have been fed with the leftovers. Then we had "special coffees" and sat around and talked for a long time. It was a really good day all in all.

In the morning we did something that I think we will try to make a tradition in our family. We have thought much about establishing family traditions with our kids that they will find some meaning in and hopefully pass on and keep alive in their own families when they are grown.
We decided that we should do something with some meaning on this holiday. So we cooked 2 turkeys and some mashed potatoes, got some tea, paper plates and took Thanksgiving dinner to a colony of homeless people who live in the woods nearby where we live now. My wife and I were both a little nervous about it , but it turned out pretty good. I also think this made an impression , not only on the men who we left the food with , but even more on our kids.
I was fairly restrained in what I said to them and just told 2 of the men that I just wanted them to know that they do matter and they are not just forgotten.
My 15 year old complained about being part of this, but he didn't have to be prompted to help with the unloading of food and some clothing , toiletries ,sheets and blankets (that Grandma Sue sent with us). I also saw him shake hands with one of the men and wish him a happy thanksgiving( he also told my mother that it was pretty cool ) . I really hope this was what God would have us do, some people would say it was risky and we could have put our children in danger. But, I think this made what will be a lasting impression on them. So yeah , it was a really great day and I felt slightly guilty for having so much , sad for those people who are living out in that little section of woods and so incredibly blessed To be surrounded by such love .
Thank you Lord
------------------------------------------------------------
On a sadder note, I found out my oldest son is back in jail.
But at least he is alive and he will not sleep on the street tonight and I will probably not get that phone call I have been expecting in the back of my mind to tell me he was found dead. Maybe this will be the time that he will save his own life. I hope that God Gets a hold of him and he can see that he is destroying his life . I so want my son back , he was such a good boy and I was always so proud of him.
I ask any one who reads this to please pray for him. I don't want to bury my son .
Peace

We Made It Back ALIVE

Well, Johanna and I went to Orlando on Thursday to see David Crowder in concert.
We made it , really had a great time and after getting somewhat lost we made it home.
We totally agree on David crowder , we both love his music and just the person he seems to be. I think the fact that he was not just playing music but challenging people to go out and love others, to provide things that are needed , and to live justly speaks volumes.
I also got another thing from this concert(besides the increased endearment of my wonderful wife) I was also affirmed in the way my own thoughts have been running as of late. I actually heard of Brian Mclaren on Kansas Bob's blog. I read a little of what he was talking about on the web and then I got "A New Kind Of Christian"from the library.
The more I read the more I see that this is what I am missing , a real tangible faith that I work out with acts of kindness . With living justly.
I love the general theme of the new CD by DC*B ,that we are supposed to Be Remedy . Yes, God is the remedy for all that is wrong in this world. But, we are supposed to be His hands and feet, we are supposed to act out our faith in hopes of a life on earth that is worth living , with Justice. You know when you are in a town like Orlando, you really don't see the pain in the world. It is a place that exudes of the affluence of this nation. People spend so much there, almost everyone you meet is dressed nicely and many are on vacation. David and band played at the Hard rock live, basically a club setting with a complete circular bar and cocktail waitresses. I think they picked these places on purpose. to kind of infiltrate the world. I think that is what we are called to do , to go out to go where they may not have heard the good news and to treat people the way Jesus would .
How is it we can say a little prayer, have a so-called spiritual awakening and become instant preachers and judges of the rest of the world? Why do we spend so much time , money and effort on "church"activities and have no time for the crazy haired homeless guy we pass 15 times a week?
WHAT THE HELL MAKES US SO SPECIAL?
I can tell you this , the homeless guy could be closer to God than our pastor, we may never know until we actually invest in some people , not "saved" people, but the people that Jesus would have been interested in. People don't need another tract or to say a prayer, they need towels and socks. I for one want to move away from worrying about the "spiritual condition " of the people I meet and move into action. The word agape comes to mind and these verses :
Isa 58:5 Is it such a fast that I have chosen? a day for a man to afflict his soul? is it to bow down his head as a bulrush, and to spread sackcloth and to spread sackcloth and ashes under him? will you call this a fast, and an acceptable day to the LORD?
Isa 58:6 Is not this the fast that I have chosen? to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that you break every yoke?
Isa 58:7 Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and that you bring the poor that are cast out to your house? when you see the naked, that you cover him; and that you hide not yourself from your own flesh?
Isa 58:8 Then shall your light break forth as the morning, and your health shall spring forth speedily: and your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
Isa 58:9 Then shall you call, and the LORD shall answer; you shall cry, and he shall say, Here I am. If you take away from the midst of you the yoke, the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness;
Isa 58:10 And if you draw out your soul to the hungry, and satisfy the afflicted soul; then shall your light rise in the darkness, and your darkness be as the noon day:
Isa 58:11 And the LORD shall guide you continually, and satisfy your soul in drought, and strengthen your bones: and you shall be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not.
Isa 58:12 And they from among you shall build the old waste places: you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; and you shall be called, The repairer of the breach, The restorer of streets to dwell in.
So much for concert talk .
Peace

Marketing

Today I saw something that I thought was kind of disturbing. There was a tract that someone left on a table for a server along with a very small tip.I admit I didn't actually read it , I found it to be so offensive that I wouldn't have read it , ever.
This particular tract was printed to look like a wallet with a $100 bill sticking out of the top. I don't mean that it had a picture of a wallet , it was basically a photo, printed on a wallet shaped piece of paper,obviously meant to deceive someone.
I just looked at it and said,"Why?" . What are we trying to prove with that?
Are we showing how cleaver and conniving we can be? That we are just as cunning as the rest of the world? Why would anyone think they would get a positive response for this kind of tactic?
I often feel as if I am being judged by "good christians" who don't work on Sunday because, well you know it's church day.
I freely admit that I haven't been attending a church for a little while now. I am not making any excuses for that. I really would like to get back into a church and I have plans with my wife and kids to try out a few churches that are in the area. The smallest child had a fever this morning so we put off our plans to visit a local church today. I really think though, if any church is teaching members to leave tracts everywhere, be condescending and presumptuous about what spiritual state the people who are bringing them food are in , I don't think I can be a part of that.
Thanks to Sarah for getting me going on this .
I hope that we can move past this commercialization of the Gospel . People don't need to be tricked into saying some prayer that will likely do nothing as far as making their lives better. It seems to me that often times that we remove God, with our actions and our words .
Peace

Post Modern?

So,
I am beginning to realize as I look around me ,
that I am not the only person thinking about this new era of ideology concerning Christ and the church. Even though my thoughts have been going in this direction for some time, I had decided that just not really voicing my opinion was the best thing. As you will hear some post modern thinkers say," some people get it and some don't " was what I was thinking to my self. Especially as far as accepting people for who they are and on issues of judgment and my perception of someone else's situation. We are all different , we ALL have a unique experience in life. We all fall short.
Peace

Revolution? whatever

Tonight I am tired, not sure why but I have had sinus problems all day sine I woke up. But, I was off today and I am really happy about that !
The real subject here is about something I am not sure what to call.
I first heard of Brian McLaren on Kansas Bob's blog. Since then I have been watching videos, reading stuff {including scripture} and thinking.
I can't say that church has no place in my life. But for me it has become less relevant as far as what I actually do in my spiritual walk with God. I love going to church, I think fellowship is very important , even vital to the believer.
What I don't see is the fruit of all of this work that goes on in churches , I know many people sacrifice to work or give to the church they attend.
I guess the point of all this is to say , I'm not sure where I am as far as being fixed in a certain statement of faith according to a certain denomination. I have felt for a long time that no one religious sect has it all right. I think we are all fallible and that religion is very much a human effort to reach God.
I have been in this mode of questioning for a while, Not that I doubt the fundamental truths (yes I said truths) of Christianity. I absolutely believe that Jesus was fully God and fully man . I believe the apostle's creed.
I feel like I have actually grown away from a lot of religious activity. I mean is activity what God wants from us? And if it is , what kind? Where? What is the motivation? Are we supposed to give 10% of our gross income to a church then drive right past homeless people standing on street corners or ignore the neighbors we have had for 2 years? Should we spend all of our time doing "church work" and sacrifice the relationship with our own families? Should I Force Christianity down my 15 or 20 year olds throat and expect them to just blindly accept what I say even though for years I acted worse that they do?
What does all of this mean ? Why are we here? How can I best be a representative of Christ to those who need Him most in my day to day?
Honestly , I'm not always sure. But one thing that church has taught me about that is what not to do. As a child my family attended a very popular unnamed denomination.
This was the place where I first learned about Jesus and first had that desire to know Him. Also it was the place where I was first alienated by "Church Folks" because I didn't fit in their mold of what a young Christian should be ( funny they didn't either ). I decided back then (when I was 16 ) that I didn't want to be a part of this group ( see unnamed ) .
Is that what God wants from me? To drive people from my presence ( and His ) with a set of rules or beliefs that don't allow them selves to be questioned?
Jesus may have spoken in riddles to some people, but he didn't refuse to be questioned . Why should I be above that ? What is wrong with saying that I don't know , I don't have it all together , I may be wrong?
So , I suppose I am asking for input and wondering what others are thinking or if , you know , I might be coming to some unrealistic conclusions .


Oh yeah I also finished the David Crowder book ,
I really enjoyed it and laughed a lot . I highly recommend it to any one .
Peace

quiet time

It is very quiet here right now , I am pretty sure everyone else is asleep.
It can be really nice at times, all this quiet, but I feel some loss for the day that has gone by and I can't get it back . I wish I had more time with my family or maybe if I had gone to the park this morning I wouldn't feel like this. I usually have a blast with all of them and I want to be anywhere that Johanna is, I don't feel complete without her. I can be alone and do things alone( sometimes that's great ) but I really love being with or even just sharing space with all of them .

My other blog

I am not a huge reader. I really only read a couple of books a year and they have to interest me greatly for me to finish them.
Well I recently read a book that was written by one of my favorite musicians David Crowder . That book is called "Praise Habit , finding God in sunsets & sushi ". It was really good and I got some good insight from it. It focuses on making praise a habit rather than something we do at church . The theme is pretty much that God is ever present in the mundane every day things we do and His desire is that we praise Him in those things realizing that God is the center of everything, everything we are everything we see everything we do. Anyway I really like David Crowder and I think he is very genuine (especially for such a public figure) in a world where even the religious leaders or others we would refer to as "Spiritual" seem to be selling something just like the rest of the free market we call society.
So I go to work , where I am a manager of the restaurant variety, and start telling the only other openly christian person I know there about this book and how funny it is & the unique perspective that he puts on things . She tells me that her son has been reading a book by the same guy! (Whoda thunk it?!) Then she asks me if I would consider a swap ( of the temporary variety ) and I was like ,"yeah of course".
So now I am reading ( and almost done with ) "EveryBody Wants To Go To Heaven, but Nobody Wants To Die,or (The eschatology of bluegrass) " .
This Book is really amazing , I find myself laughing out loud then a few minutes later almost in tears. It's a strange layout for a literary work , but it works so far And I am almost done with it. I told my wife tonight that I will be sad when it's done. But maybe that is part of the reason for the book in the first place.
I am thinking more about the permanence of death and maybe how it might not be , but who really knows?
I mean I don't know any one that has died that I can ask about it. It seems to me that, while we are living we keep ourselves kind of separated from it and don't admit it is there. Until ,we are faced with someone else's or our own mortality, then we can't deny it any longer.
we say," tomorrow" but what if tomorrow never comes?
Peace

Comfort

It's about 9:30 a.m. here , I woke up not feeling very good , but it's normal.
I did spend some time reading devotions and the Bible and I am feeling better than I was.I was reading John 14 , Jesus promises that he won't leave us as orphans.
I was looking at the way verse 8 was translated in other versions and here is what I found :comfortless, orphans, alone, fatherless, desolate & bereaved.
I thought this was an interesting set of words and was thinking about the times when I have felt most alone. There have been plenty, sometimes it was just my perception, others I was truly alone. The thing that I remember most is how much worse it was to just perceive that I was alone and fatherless. the thoughts in my head seem to always be the biggest obstacles in my life.
Far worse are my imagined dangers that ever present fear that can grip me seemingly out of nowhere.
The biggest change in my life is that the fear takes hold much less often than it used to , and now when I do feel that icy grip , I have this assurance that I am not alone I know who I need to talk to, I know where my help comes from . Even though I see that for the most part nothing changes. Most of the people I pray for never change or things do not get any better for (them that I can see), but this peace inside (seems crazy to describe it) but it's there for no explainable logical reason. Still I am comforted beyond reason.
Maybe I am crazy , there is a distinct possibility that I am chemically imbalanced. Or, perhaps; Jesus meant what he said and even though I don't deserve it , he gives it to me anyway. Could happen.
Peace

DOGS , CHILDREN AND SLEEP

the reason I am getting on here in the middle of the night is , my dog won't sleep . I don't know why he is so lively in the dead of night , but man I wish he would just go lay down somewhere. He keeps doing this random patroly thing (while atop my bed ) Now he is out here lying in front of the couch since I'm not in the bed any more. Oh well I guess I will give him a few minutes before I try to do it again.
The thing that makes it hard is , I was already sound asleep and he woke me with this marching doggy cadence around the bed .So, now I'm up. Not happy but up.
It has been a while since I posted anything, not too many people ever read it any way. So I guess it doesn't really matter , I just started this blog for my own personal use any way.I don't have a lot of time to write these days , I work a lot for little pay . But you know there are lots of people who are doing a lot worse . There are people in the world who don't have the essentials of life who are hungry right now and worried about just surviving .
I am extremely blessed ,I have all of these kids who are pretty healthy , a good job , a wife who loves me , a roof over the heads of my family. There is a lot of love here. There are also moments when it looks as if it will all come apart, but I think it is that way for most families.
I had the day off today ( technically it was yesterday ) and it was an uneventful day . I had to take my now 15 year old to his doctor appointment and later I had a personal appointment I had to go to. after that we went & got some hamburger buns so I could make health food for dinner. Burgers and fries may not be that good for you , but at least they all eat when we make them. Other times the smaller kids just move food from one area of the plate to another.Oh and not to mention the comments. Mostly I can let the comments sail on by , but "BLECK!!" is a common one , I heard that one from the 3 year old this very evening. Another one is ,"I HATE THAT!!" without ever even putting a morsel near any taste or olfactory apparatus . I hate developed a fairly thick skin when it comes to comments on my cooking . My lovely wife is also very complementary most of the time , counteracting the abuse of the small ones :)
Well tomorrow is another day, I should go try it again the dog seems to have relaxed for now.
Peace

He gave me a good life

I started reading this new book. It's called "Praise Habit " by David Crowder.
I have only read a little bit but so far I really like it. I am probably biased because I think his bands cd is one of my favorites in like 10 years. Oh, it's the one called "A Collision( Or 3+4=7 ) " . I think he has some really good insights .
The whole book is basically about letting Praise ( of God The Father ) become not just something we do but a way of life . He suggests that it could be possible for us to worship, honor , Praise Him in every aspect of our lives. Seems like a pretty tall order. It has me thinking , that is good .
There was a time when I thought I knew what I was doing . I was walking so closely I thought. I would spend all this effort on focusing on God and talking to Him
constantly. Then I hit real life. As those who do know me already know, I was in prison for something I am not proud of , it was a terrible thing, it changed my life permanently and destroyed much of it. But, at my lowest point, God was there. He Kept me from giving up , even after I had given up. He gave me a peace in the midst of what I saw as the end of my life , and I guess it actually was. I am not the same, my life is so much different and I lost a lot in this ordeal.
I lost my wife , my kids , my house ,some friends, my right to vote ,years of my and my children's lives and my dog ran away. Believe me when I say it was the end of that life.
But, like Job , God has brought it back. I have not one more son but 3 more than I had. Two are not my biological sons , but I will give you three guesses who they call Daddy? ( He asked him knowingly ).Being a bleeding heart artist I find that music often says it perfectly. there are 2 songs that describe the way I feel about what has happened in my life . The first is a song by Audio Adrenaline called " This is The Good Life" . The second is for the second part of my life it's "Family Man " by Andrew Peterson (the Cd is "Love and Thunder") it spells out for me the way God has restored me . This was not my plan, it's so much better than.
I can feel the Love when I come into my house. I also feel it when things are tense and I forget about this life that God gave me . God did this ,with no help at all from me. If anything I have stood in the way of any real progress He would have with me . Just one more demonstration of God's Love and His power.
With all the opposition I gave Him , He gave me a good life .
I need to remember that .
Peace

Monday

Monday !!
Today was a really great day, not much spectacular happened but it was a nice relaxing day off with my wife .
Her mom took the baby and we had a couple of hours to our selves . We even got to go out for lunch.
Early in the day we went to look at a house where , who knows ? We could end up moving.
It is just shy of an acre and is zoned agricultural, so we could have as many animals as we want. That is a really good thing because I am pretty sure we are in violation of some county code right now with 15 chickens and 2 turkeys in the back yard.
The owner sounded fairly positive when my wife spoke to him , I am planing on trying to talk to him tomorrow.

Sushi

I love sushi!
I don't know if anyone reading this does , but man I am addicted to it .
I started out with some beginner stuff, but the last time my wife & I went out for sushi we tried Sea Urchin. Man ! was it good too . An oriental man I know told me it tasted like " the ocean" . You know what is strange? That's really what it tasted like , it is very hard to describe but I think " the ocean " is the best description of it .
I also make my own now . A while back my wife bought me a rice cooker and did that ever make it easier . I love having a rice cooker. I made some just yesterday and the day before for lunch .

Here is what I made 2 days ago . One is crab, scallion, cuccumber and avacado . One is a really basic California roll and one is salmon, cream cheese cuccumber & fresh peach. I like the blend with salmon(smoked or raw) cream cheese and some thing sweet. I think they go very well together . I have made one in the past with strawberries, also very good . I just thought I would share a picture and a passion of mine , Sushi!
I'm getting hungry now .
Peace

How about that?

I don't know how any one else feels about this , but I am hoping that soon we won't have to hear any more crap from George Bush. I think he has said enough to last us all a life time .

BBC NEWS | Americas | Bush marks two years from Katrina

Last Updated: Wednesday, 29 August 2007, 16:11 GMT 17:11 UK
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Bush marks two years from Katrina

US President George W Bush observes a minute's silence
The president still faces anger over his handling of the crisis

President Bush
US President George W Bush has praised the people of New Orleans and insisted the city will fully recover, two years after being hit by Hurricane Katrina.

"Better days are ahead," the president told an audience at a school in one of the districts flooded in 2005, before heading to neighbouring Mississippi.

In the wake of the storm Mr Bush vowed to "do what it takes" to rebuild the city, but he has since faced criticism.

Katrina killed 1,600 people in the states of Louisiana and Mississippi.

The storm made landfall as a strong Category Three hurricane at 0610 on 29 August 2005 and flooded some 80% of the city after levees broke under the pressure of the storm.


Maybe he does have a sense of duty to address these people , But I would rather see him actually do something than talk some more . George, actions speak louder than words, or so I've heard .
Peace

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Loss For Words

Tonight is a tough night . Not much to say , I really love my family . I wish they could get along .

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THE GOOD LIFE

Yesterday Was my Birthday. I feel old , but not that old . I do feel extremely loved now , because my kids went out of their way ( with Grandma Sue's help) and got me some small , but very thoughtful presents.
My wife also made it clear to me that she does still love me very much and I am going to try from now on not to take that for granted . This life together isn't easy and can be pretty frustrating at times , But man has God blessed me beyond what I ever thought possible .
Just a few years ago I thought that I was done , I had nothing to look forward to I had lost my kids, I had lost every thing.
But it really is just like that song by Audio Adrenaline " The Good Life" I really did lose every thing , I could ever want ever dream of . But just like the song I found every thing I could ever need , here in your arms.
Here are some of the lyrics.

I've watched my dreams all fade away & blister in the sun,
every thing I've ever had has unraveled & undone.
I've set upon a worthless stack of my ambitious plans,
the people that I've loved the most have turned their backs & ran.
This is the good life ,
I've lost every thing ,
I could ever want ever dream of .
This is the good life ,
I found every thing ,
I could ever need here in your arms.

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Discontent

I am going to have a three year old again!
Calvin is turning three in a few days and it seems like he was just a little tiny baby such a short time ago .
This combined with my foot pain makes me feel very old . I know I'm not that old yet but , I am feeling it none the less.
I am really excited about this week with the boys.
A.J. turns five on Thurs . and Calvin will be three on Sat. ( Did I mention I got BOTH DAYS OFF!!!) . I am not hating my job quite as much today.
I think I am in sort of a rut and I need to get out of it . It is kind of hard with my job, because most days work is all I really have time to focus on. My family suffers some for this , not to mention my internal life ( the one in my head , where I mostly wear boxers all day ) and my relationships. All of my relationships.
So lately I find myself focused on my unhappiness and I really think it is counter productive , So far it has not helped me one bit to spend so much time on dread and dissatisfaction .
I wrote a poem that is sort of related to this attitude I have had lately and it is posted on my other blog Emancipated .
I hope that any one who reads this will read my poem and coment on it .
Any way , I hope you all have a great night .
PEACE.

OPERATION FAT BOY: update

So far I have done absolutely nothing about my belly.
I am disgusted but I have had very little time to work out . Maybe after I get off of here I will go do something . The only problem is , I am so tired right now . I worked from noon till about 10 p.m. . It is very hard to get motivated , I did avoid pork for the most part today. I think if I could afford to eat sushi every day for lunch I would probably be doing a bit better. The whole BBQ thing is not working to my advantage, it's just too easy to get a sandwich and call it lunch . Another obstacle is we have like my favorite French fries in the world (THEY ARE SOO GOOD!!) I think if anything gets me it will be the fries .
Any prayers would be much appreciated because I don't think I can do this .
Sincerely ,
Exasperated

My Workout Plan

Time is a killer.
I realize today that I am getting older (38 ) and I am getting fat. ok I have been fat , but it wasn't all that long ago I was in pretty good shape ( like 4 years ago ) . Between work , & family I don't have much time to work out or much desire to . So what do I do? I could go on a diet , which I am planning on cutting back on certain things any way ,because I don't want to die, But I am not good at diets . In the past I have always been more active , but I had more time too & it seems like Florida just gets hotter . It is so hard to get motivated when you are facing a 90 degree day and you would like to go running , but if you go outside for like 5 minutes & stand still the sweat pours off of you .
I think I need a colder climate , & frankly Global warming scares the crap out of me especially when it is so hot here I can barely stand it. I should add to my list my own lethargy & an appetite for pork sandwiches.
I guess I am going to have to find a way to get some exercise ; tomorrow.
Peace

Good Night

As usual I am awake a lot later than I need to be . Given the present time, I am probably not going to make it to church this week either (it is a bit of a challenge anyway because Johanna has been going to a later service since the first one is at 8:30 a.m. ) I haven't made it to a service in weeks.
The odd thing about it is , I used to equate my church service attendance with my closeness to God , I don't really feel that way any more. Maybe this is just my way of absolving myself of any guilt over skipping . But I work mostly nights , I definitely have some sleep deprivation issues going on and the only service I can make it to I am going to have to go to alone , because no one else is going to get up to go with me & then I will not see my family for the entire day because I close almost every Sunday night.
So , are these just excuses? Probably. Will I make to church in the morning? I doubt it . I could go to a slightly later service at the church I used to attend , I will keep that in mind , but once again the issue of not even seeing my family for the whole day. Sounds silly probably , But I hate that .
any way I should sleep . Good night .

Date Night

Last night Johanna & I got a night out for the first time in a while . Grandma kept the kids overnight so we went back home , had a nap and then went out to dinner. We went to a new sushi place that just opened up about 5 weeks ago , it was awesome.
Johanna got this roll called "Deep Rising" that had spicy octopus salad & shrimp inside and I ordered the "Godzilla " with spicy tuna,crab asparagus, avocado,cream cheese,scallion ,massago and a spicy mayo mixed with eel sauce . They roll it then fry it tempura style, cut it and garnish with the mayo massago & scallion. I can't remember when I had a better sushi roll.
The company was excellent as well . We have had our problems recently, but I really do enjoy spending time with my wife . She is beautiful ,funny ,gentile ,kind and really smart. She is probably much smarter than I am in a lot of ways.
It was a really relaxing evening then we watched a movie she got from the library about two Italian brothers who are failing with their restaurant even though the older brother is a really fantastic chef .
It kind of resonated something you learn after being in the business for a while , you can serve crappy food and be successful. You can also have the best food in the world and fail. There are a lot of factors but ,mostly it is 1 accommodating people and giving them what they want 2 advertising . You could have terrible food but a prime time television add can bring lots of business.
Any way , I had a much needed date with my wife & I think she liked it too . I am really glad we get to do that every once in a while .
PEACE

Ungrateful ME

It's late , Johanna is asleep , little kids are all at Grandma's tonight . I am starting to feel better about life . I think that I have been taking things a little too seriously . My life is not that bad , there are so many people in other places even in this country who are doing so much worse than me , I have been very ungrateful for all that I do have. I have a wonderful family , they may not always like each other but I love them all . I also have food for myself and my house , heck we even have air conditioning when it isn't frozen up . I have a good job (there are people with degrees who aren't doing as well as I am ) I may not make a lot of money , but I make a lot more than I did a while back . Just a couple of years ago I was a dishwasher making $6.50 per hour & going home at night to a work release center . I was able to work , but I slept in prison every night. So things have come a long way for me in a few short years. I never thought I would have another girlfriend , much less another child. Here I am Calvin is truly a gift from God ,as are all of the kids that live here and for the most part Johanna and I have a great relationship. It's not perfect , but we do really enjoy each other most of the time.
I was at work tonight ( I closed ) and after every one was gone I was thinking about these things & praying asking God to help me to love my job , to really be grateful for it.. I have had some pretty lousy jobs, when I was in prison I was so happy to work for free, for something to do, now I am paid pretty well and I let it really aggravate me at times . It is so strange how your perspective changes the way you feel about things. I remember getting out of prison and not feeling free at all. I was under tremendous stress from the moment I got out . I almost wanted to stay in , but it is a lot better now . Even if I am depressed I am glad I'm not there anymore .
So God has done a lot in my life . He has changed me , He has given me a life that I never thought I would have. He has changed my view on so many things ,the way I talk the way I act the way I think(most of the time , I still wrestle with anger & violent thoughts ) there are so many people in the world who don't have it nearly as easy as I do . So , I am going to try to keep an attitude of gratitude .
Lord , thank you for all you have done in my life . Thank you for the ways that you have changed me, and for all you have given me . I could not achieve any of this on my own. I love you as unfaithful as I am at times I know where my help comes from and I just want to take this time to thank you again for the love and the favor you have poured out on me and on my family . I lift up all of my kids I lift up Johanna that you would pour out your love on each of them in a way that they would know that you are real and they would all come into a closer walk with you . I also ask that you would heal Tim, that he could stay out of the hospital and find a treatment program that would keep him , so he can be a productive member of society. Lord wrap you arms around him and surround him with your angels. I know he feels lost and alone , let him know you are there . And lastly Lord I ask that you would change my heart , help me to love more purely , more blindly ,more ; to be more like you Lord so I will know peace . Thank you . Amen

HELP!!

I just would like to apologize for the post I did have up here . I am going through a really rough time & getting kind of depressed about my life . I am thinking about trying to go for more counseling ,but I'm not too sure I can afford it or if it will really do me any good . I am a lot better than I was a few years ago , but I suppose that there are still times when I am fairly paranoid and neurotic. I am having trouble dealing with the separation in my family , more like division . Any way it seems I am always at odds with some one . Now my jealousy, because of the past betrayals I have dealt with is causing me & mine even more problems . I don't want to lose my family . I love all of my kids (even the ones that I didn't provide any genetic material for ) and I can't stand the thought of losing them or my wife who I believe to have been sent to me directly from God .
Why would He let me have all of this just to take it away?
So here I sit ,paralyzed by my own fear of the unknown and of my own inadequacy.
I don't think that anyone can really know what another person is thinking , and I know that we have our own individual life experience that shapes us . For me , just not losing it and hitting some one or something is a pretty good sign. But I am still far from where I want to be .
Still, I can't always be wrong can I?
I can't be the blame for every thing that's wrong in every one's lives .
Probably that is not what is meant by the icy demeanor of my favorite woman in the whole world . But , that sure is what it feels like .
I can't help the way I feel about some things and when people try to belittle me or mock me because they feel they are better or smarter , there is a little boy inside me that wants to lash out . I still have some real issues with the well of anger that erupts inside me . The good thing is I can control it now more than ever. I try to censor my words and actions , for the most part it works. I am not screaming or hitting or breaking things. I can be logical for the most part . Inside I still feel like a little kid , powerless .
What ever this post is , I hope that God is hearing me when I say ," I can't fix this ! or me! or anything!!" HELP!!

Yeah

It's been a few days since I posted anything , so I figured it was time . I was off yesterday and I didn't accomplish much but that's ok I guess. I came home 2 days ago to a new puppy.
I really didn't want another dog right now ,but Johanna wanted it and it is half Great Dane (my all-time favorite breed) . So I guess we are keeping it . She named him Pinkerton(after the children's books ) not all that cool with the name either but hey , I can deal with it .
We didn't do much as I said , we did end the evening with some backyard splashing around in the pool . It was so hot , I can't believe how hot it was outside yesterday and from what I see this morning it is going to be another smoker today . Any way I have to work again today @ noon & I close again ( pretty much how it's going to be ) so I will have to leave them all behind for the rest of the night . I don't suppose it matters very much because no one here seems to like me much these days anyway . I hope I can get through tonight with relatively few problems .
I think I may need to take just a few days for me , disappear for a while , go fishing do something I want to do for a change . It gets pretty discouraging when no one approves of you . Not that I need it that much, but it is nice from time to time .
Peace

update

Well , I am back @ work today ,trying to figure out how I can be happy& support my family . I think I am just kind of burnt out on a lot of this restaurant stuff . I am thinking maybe I should have been like a ditch digger or something .
Any way , I had an awsome day off yesterday . We all went Blueberry picking & came back home for a few hours . Later we went over to my brothers house & swam for a couple of hours .
Nothing extraordinary happened , but it was a very relaxing night with my family & every one got along pretty well I think maybe that is the key , just to make the most of the time I don't have to work . But , great days off also make me wish I was at home when I am working . So who knows ? I am going to try to have the best attitude I can & see where that gets me
Peace

it's me

Ok , I give up .I want to apologize for the post I did have up here . I was feeling really sorry for myself and was pretty much just venting . The fact is, a lot of the time I feel pretty powerless an I an one heck of a placation artist not to mention a pretty decent enabler. So every once in a while when it looks as if things might fall apart I get kind of despondent.
Things could be worse than they are & I think Johanna is not going to leave me now . But one can never really be sure can they ?
I guess I have been hurt one too many times to believe that any one is all that devoted to me.
Today I went back to work after yet another day off. It wasn't a bad night . I wish I didn't work so many nights but it wasn't bad .
I also learned tonight that the guy who got my promotion at the job I recently left, got fired.
I am not happy that he got fired, I really like him and he is more qualified for the job than me .I am really pissed off though that they did this . First of all, I was told I had this job. Second , They told me they couldn't promise me that I would be able to get a raise in the semi near future. So I left , on good terms , but I did leave .
I plan on just dropping by to see what they are doing for a kitchen manager now , maybe they will come with some sort of offer for me . but then again , at this point I would need a really good offer to go back . I do miss it , that place was mine . I had my recipes on the menu and I had moved up from a cook to a supervisor to assistant KM . Any way I feel really bad that they fired the man . Even though I am kind of upset about the way they handled this whole thing , there is a tiny part inside me that wishes they would try to get me to go back . But for now , I am still a BBQ man .
Oh God , please forgive me for my selfish , self centered attitude and for not trusting you . You have provided so much , more than I need and all my family needs . I pray Lord you won't take them from me or let me be so pig headed that I lose them on my own.
Help me Lord , to focus on you , not like I have been (in my despair) but to just acknowledge you and to give you the credit that you deserve . Thank you for your unbelievable patience with me Lord .
Amen

Fantasy

Yesterday was a Pretty good day . We went to Key Vista park & just played around . The water was really high so the beach was pretty much under water . We did find some crabs & interesting rocks for little boys to investigate . There was also a peacock wandering around in the front of the park all day . I am pretty sure it must have come from a nearby home since peacocks are hardly indigenous to central Florida. It wasn't a bad day then we found out that a store near here had Key West shrimp for $2.99 lb so I went & got some & Johanna made her famous Spring Seafood Stew . It was (as always ) delicious & very filling . After that we went away to never never land & lived in peace & harmony for a thousand years. Oh yeah it was great .
Peace